ME 


OF 


ME 


A  BOOK  OF  REMEMBRANCE 


NEW  YORK 
THE  CENTURY  CO. 

1915 


Copyright,  1915,  by 
THE  CENTURY  Co. 


Published,  August,  1915 


To 

"LOLLY"  my  friend  who  was 
and  to  JEAN  my  friend  who  is 


2129291 


INTRODUCTION 

The  writing  of  this  book  seems  to  me  one  of  the 
most  astounding  literary  feats  I  have  ever  known. 
It  is  one  hundred  thousand  words  long;  it  was 
started  on  Thanksgiving  day  and  finished  before  New 
Year's.  The  actual  writing  occupied  two  weeks,  the 
revision  another  two.  The  reason  for  this  amazing 
celerity  lies  in  the  fact  that  it  is  pure  reporting;  the 
author  has  not  branched  out  into  any  byways  of  style, 
but  has  merely  told  in  the  simplest  language  possible 
what  she  actually  remembered.  The  circumstances  in 
which  the  book  was  written  are  interesting. 

The  author  had  been  wrenched  from  her  feverishly 
busy  life  to  undergo  an  operation  in  a  hospital;  four 
days  later  she  began  the  writing  of  this  book.  I  will 
quote  her  own  words: 

"It  seems  to  me  as  though  these  two  weeks  I  have 
just  passed  in  the  hospital  have  been  the  first  time  in 
which  I  have  had  a  chance  to  think  in  thirteen  years. 
As  I  lay  on  my  back  and  looked  at  the  ceiling,  the 
events  of  my  girlhood  came  before  me,  rushed  back 
with  such  overwhelming  vividness  that  I  picked  up  a 
pencil  and  began  to  write." 


INTRODUCTION 

I  cannot  imagine  just  what  the  general  reader's  at 
titude  toward  this  work  will  be.  I  myself,  reading  it 
in  the  light  of  the  knowledge  I  possess  of  the  life  of 
the  author,  look  upon  it  not  only  as  an  intensely  in 
teresting  human  document,  but  as  a  suggestive  socio 
logical  study.  It  is  an  illuminative  picture  of  what 
may  befall  a  working-girl  who,  at  the  age  of  seven 
teen,  gaily  ventures  forth  to  conquer  life  with  ten 
dollars  in  her  pocket.  You  may  object  that  many  of 
her  difficulties  were  brought  about  through  her  own 
initiative ;  that  she  ran  to  meet  them  open  armed.  This 
is,  no  doubt,  true,  but  you  must  consider  her  ignorance 
and  her  temperament.  It  was  her  naivete  and  generos 
ity  and  kindly  impulses  that  left  her  unarmed.  She 
was  unique  in  many  respects — in  her  peculiar  hered 
ity,  her  extreme  ability,  and  her  total  unacquainted- 
ness  with  the  world. 

I  have  known  the  author  for  a  number  of  years, 
and  I  know  that  the  main  outline  of  everything  she 
says  is  true,  though  the  names  of  people  and  places 
have  necessarily  been  changed  in  order  to  hide  their 
identity.  The  author  has  written  a  number  of  books 
that  have  had  a  wide  circulation.  The  aspirations  of 
the  little  girl  of  seventeen  have  been  realized ! 

JEAN  WEBSTER. 


ME 


ME 


IT  was  a  cold,  blizzardy  day  in  the  month  of 
March  when  I  left  Quebec,  and  my  weeping,  shiv 
ering  relatives  made  an  anxious,  melancholy  group 
about  my  departing  train.  I  myself  cried  a  bit,  with 
my  face  pressed  against  the  window ;  but  I  was  seven 
teen,  my  heart  was  light,  and  I  had  not  been  happy 
at  home. 

My  father  was  an  artist,  and  we  were  very  poor. 
My  mother  had  been  a  tight-rope  dancer  in  her  early 
youth.  She  was  an  excitable,  temperamental  creature 
from  whose  life  all  romance  had  been  squeezed  by  the 
torturing  experience  of  bearing  sixteen  children. 
Moreover,  she  was  a  native  of  a  far-distant  land,  and 
I  do  not  think  she  ever  got  over  the  feeling  of  being 
a  stranger  in  Canada. 

Time  was  when  my  father,  a  young  and  ardent  ad 
venturer  (an  English-Irishman)  had  wandered  far 
and  wide  over  the  face  of  the  earth.  The  son  of  rich 
parents,  he  had  sojourned  in  China  and  Japan  and 
India  in  the  days  when  few  white  men  ventured  into 
the  Orient.  But  that  was  long  ago. 

3 


4  ME 

This  story  is  frankly  of  myself,  and  I  mention  these 
few  facts  merely  in  the  possibility  of  their  proving  of 
some  psychological  interest  later;  also  they  may  ex 
plain  why  it  was  possible  for  a  parent  to  allow  a  young 
girl  of  seventeen  to  leave  her  home  with  exactly  ten 
dollars  in  her  purse  (I  do  not  think  my  father  knew 
just  how  much  money  I  did  have)  to  start  upon  a 
voyage  to  the  West  Indies! 

In  any  event,  the  fact  remains  that  I  had  overruled 
my  father's  weak  and  absentminded  objections  and 
my  mother's  exclamatory  ones,  and  I  had  accepted  a 
position  in  Jamaica,  West  Indies,  to  work  for  a  little 
local  newspaper  called  The  Lantern. 

It  all  came  about  through  my  having  written  at  the 
age  of  sixteen  a  crude,  but  exciting,  story  which  a 
kindly  friend,  the  editor  of  a  Quebec  weekly  paper, 
actually  accepted  and  published. 

I  had  always  secretly  believed  there  were  the  strains 
of  genius  somewhere  hidden  in  me ;  I  had  always  lived 
in  a  little  dream  world  of  my  own,  wherein,  beautiful 
and  courted,  I  moved  among  the  elect  of  the  earth. 
Now  I  had  given  vivid  proof  of  some  unusual  power! 
I  walked  on  air.  The  world  was  rose-colored;  nay, 
it  was  golden. 

With  my  story  in  my  hand,  I  went  to  the  office  of  a 
family  friend.  I  had  expected  to  be  smiled  upon  and 
approved,  but  also  lectured  and  advised.  My  friend, 
however,  regarded  me  speculatively. 

"  I  wonder,"  said  he,  "  whether  you  could  n't  take 


ME  5 

the  place  of  a  girl  out  in  Jamaica  who  is  anxious  to 
return  to  Canada,  but  is  under  contract  to  remain  there 
for  three  years." 

The  West  Indies!  I  had  heard  of  the  land  some 
where,  probably  in  my  school  geography.  I  think  it 
was  associated  in  my  mind  in  some  way  with  the  fairy- 
stories  I  read.  Nevertheless,  with  the  alacrity  and 
assurance  of  youth  I  cried  out  that  of  course  I 
would  go. 

"  It 's  a  long  way  off,"  said  my  friend,  dubiously, 
"  and  you  are  very  young." 

I  assured  him  earnestly  that  I  should  grow,  and  as 
for  the  distance,  I  airily  dismissed  that  objection  as 
something  too  trivial  to  consider.  Was  I  not  the 
daughter  of  a  man  who  had  been  back  and  forth  to 
China  no  fewer  than  eighteen  times,  and  that  during 
the  perilous  period  of  the  Tai-ping  Rebellion?  Had 
not  my  father  made  journeys  from  the  Orient  in  the 
old-fashioned  sailing-vessels,  being  at  sea  a  hundred- 
odd  days  at  a  time?  What  could  not  his  daugh 
ter  do? 

Whatever  impression  I  made  upon  this  agent  of 
the  West  Indian  newspaper  must  have  been  fairly 
good,  for  he  said  he  would  write  immediately  to  Mr. 
Campbell,  the  owner  of  The  Lantern,  who,  by  the 
way,  was  also  a  Canadian,  and  recommend  me. 

I  am  not  much  of  a  hand  at  keeping  secrets,  but  I 
did  not  tell  my  parents.  I  had  been  studying  short 
hand  for  some  time,  and  now  I  plunged  into  that 


6  ME 

harder  than  ever,  for  the  position  was  one  in  which  I 
could  utilize  stenography. 

It  was  less  than  two  weeks  later  when  our  friend 
came  to  the  house  to  report  that  the  West  Indian  edi 
tor  had  cabled  for  me  to  be  sent  at  once. 

I  was  the  fifth  girl  in  our  family  to  leave  home.  I 
suppose  my  father  and  mother  had  become  sadly  ac 
customed  to  the  departing  of  the  older  children  to 
try  their  fortunes  in  more  promising  cities  than  Que 
bec;  but  I  was  the  first  to  leave  home  for  a  land  as 
distant  as  the  West  Indies,  though  two  of  my  sisters 
had  gone  to  the  United  States.  Still,  there  remained 
a  hungry,  crushing  brood  of  little  ones  younger  than 
I.  With  what  fierce  joy  did  I  not  now  look  forward 
to  getting  away  at  last  from  that  same  noisy,  torment 
ing  brood,  for  whom  it  had  been  my  particular  and 
detested  task  to  care !  So  my  father  and  mother  put 
no  obstacle  in  the  way  of  my  going.  I  remember  pas 
sionately  threatening  to  "  run  away  "  if  they  did. 

My  clothes  were  thick  and  woolen.  I  wore  a  red 
knitted  toque,  with  a  tassel  that  wagged  against  my 
cheek.  My  coat  was  rough  and  hopelessly  Canadian. 
My  dress  a  shapeless  bag  belted  in  at  the  waist.  I 
was  not  beautiful  to  look  at,  but  I  had  a  bright,  eager 
face,  black  and  shining  eyes,  and  black  and  shining 
hair.  My  cheeks  were  as  red  as  a  Canadian  apple. 
I  was  a  little  thing,  and,  like  my  mother,  foreign- 
looking.  I  think  I  had  the  most  acute,  inquiring,  and 
eager  mind  of  any  girl  of  my  age  in  the  world. 


ME  7 

A  man  on  the  train  who  had  promised  my  father 
to  see  me  as  far  as  my  boat  did  so.  When  we  ar 
rived  in  New  York  he  took  me  there  in  a  carriage  — 
the  first  carriage  in  which  I  had  ever  ridden  in  my 
life! 

I  had  a  letter  to  the  captain,  in  whose  special  charge 
I  was  to  be,  that  my  Jamaica  employer  had  written. 
So  I  climbed  on  board  the  Atlas.  It  was  about  six 
in  the  morning,  and  there  were  not  many  people  about 
—  just  a  few  sailors  washing  the  decks.  I  saw,  how 
ever,  a  round-faced  man  in  a  white  cap,  who  smiled 
at  me  broadly.  I  decided  that  he  was  the  captain.  So 
I  went  up  to  him  and  presented  my  letter,  addressing 
him  as  "  Captain  Hollowell."  He  held  his  sides  and 
laughed  at  me,  and  another  man  —  this  one  was  young 
and  blond  and  very  good-looking ;  at  least  so  he  seemed 
to  the  eyes  of  seventeen  —  came  over  to  inquire  the 
cause  of  the  merriment.  Greatly  to  my  mortification, 
I  learned  from  the  new  arrival  that  the  man  I  had 
spoken  to  was  not  the  captain,  but  the  cook.  He  him 
self  was  Mr.  Marsden,  the  purser,  and  he  was  pre 
pared  to  take  care  of  me  until  Captain  Hollowell  ar 
rived. 

The  boat  would  not  sail  for  two  hours,  so  I  told 
Mr.  Marsden  that  I  guessed  I  'd  take  a  walk  in  New 
York.  He  advised  me  strenuously  not  to,  saying  that 
I  might  "  get  lost."  I  scorned  his  suggestion.  What, 
/  get  lost?  I  laughed  at  the  idea.  So  I  went  for  my 
"  walk  in  New  York." 


8  ME 

I  kept  to  one  street,  the  one  at  the  end  of  which  my 
boat  lay.  It  was  an  ugly,  dirty,  noisy  street, —  noisy 
even  at  that  early  hour, —  for  horrible-looking  trucks 
rattled  over  the  cobblestoned  road,  and  there  were 
scores  of  people  hurrying  in  every  direction.  Of  the 
streets  of  New  York  I  had  heard  strange,  wonderful, 
and  beautiful  tales;  but  as  I  trotted  along,  I  confess 
I  was  deeply  disappointed  and  astonished.  I  think  I 
was  on  Canal  Street,  or  another  of  the  streets  of  lower 
New  York. 

I  was  not  going  to  leave  the  United  States,  how 
ever,  without  dropping  a  bit  of  my  ten  dollars  behind 
me.  So  I  found  a  store,  in  which  I  bought  some  post 
cards,  a  lace  collar,  and  some  ribbon  —  pink.  When 
I  returned  to  the  boat  I  possessed,  instead  of  ten  dol 
lars,  just  seven.  However,  this  seemed  a  considerable 
sum  to  me,, and  I  assured  myself  that  on  the  boat  itself, 
of  course,  one  could  not  spend  money. 

I  was  standing  by  the  rail  watching  the  crowds  on 
the  wharf  below.  Every  one  on  board  was  saying 
good-by  to  some  one  else,  and  people  were  waving  and 
calling  to  one  another.  Everybody  seemed  happy  and 
excited  and  gay.  I  felt  suddenly  very  little  and  for 
lorn.  I  alone  had  no  one  to  bid  me  good-by,  to  wave 
to  me,  and  to  bring  me  flowers.  I  deeply  pitied  my 
self,  and  I  suppose  my  eyes  were  full  of  tears  when  I 
turned  away  from  the  rail  as  the  boat  pulled  out. 

The  blond  young  purser  was  watching  me,  and  now 
he  came  up  cheerfully  and  began  to  talk,  pointing  out 


ME  9 

things  to  me  in  the  har&or  as  the  boat  moved  along. 
He  had  such  nice  blue  eyes  and  shining  white  teeth, 
and  his  smile  was  quite  the  most  winning  that  I  had 
ever  seen.  Moreover,  he  wore  a  most  attractive  uni 
form.  I  forgot  my  temporary  woes.  He  brought 
me  his  "  own  special "  deck  chair, —  at  least  he  said  it 
was  his, —  and  soon  I  was  comfortably  ensconced  in 
it,  my  feet  wrapped  about  with  a  warm  rug  produced 
from  somewhere  —  also  his.  I  felt  a  sense  of  being 
under  his  personal  charge.  A  good  part  of  the  morn 
ing  he  managed  to  remain  near  me,  and  when  he  did 
go  off  among  the  other  passengers,  he  took  the  trouble 
to  explain  to  me  that  it  was  to  attend  to  his  duties. 

I  decided  that  he  must  have  fallen  in  love  with  me. 
The  thought  delightfully  warmed  me.  True,  nobody 
had  ever  been  in  love  with  me  before.  I  was  the  Ugly 
Duckling  of  an  otherwise  astonishingly  good-looking 
family.  Still,  I  was  sure  I  recognized  the  true  signs 
of  love  (had  I  not  in  dreams  and  fancies  already  been 
the  heroine  in  a  hundred  princely  romances?),  and  I 
forthwith  began  to  wonder  what  life  as  the  wife  of  a 
sailor  might  be  like. 

At  dinner-time,  however,  he  delivered  me,  with  one 
of  his  charming  smiles,  to  a  portly  and  important  per 
sonage  who  proved  to  be  the  real  captain.  My  place 
at  table  was  to  be  at  his  right  side.  He  was  a  red- 
faced,  jovial,  mighty- voiced  Scotchman.  He  called  me 
a  "  puir  little  lassie  "  as  soon  as  he  looked  at  me.  He 
explained  that  my  West  Indian  employer  (also  a 


io  ME 

Scotch-Canadian)  was  his  particular  friend,  and  that 
he  had  promised  to  take  personal  care  of  me  upon 
the  voyage.  He  hoped  Marsden,  in  his  place,  had 
looked  after  me  properly,  as  he  had  been  especially  as 
signed  by  him  to  do.  I,  with  a  stifling  lump  of  hurt 
vanity  and  pride  in  my  throat,  admitted  that  he  had. 

Then  he  was  not  in  love  with  me,  after  all! 

I  felt  cruelly  unhappy  as  I  stole  out  on  deck  after 
dinner.  I  disdained  to  look  for  that  special  deck 
chair  my  sailor  had  said  I  could  have  all  for  my  own, 
and  instead  I  sat  down  in  the  first  one  at  hand. 

Ugh!  how  miserable  I  felt!  I  suppose,  said  I  to 
myself,  that  it  was  I  who  was  the  one  to  fall  in 
love,  fool  that  I  was!  But  I  had  no  idea  one  felt  so 
wretched  even  when  in  love.  Besides,  with  all  my 
warm  Canadian  clothes,  I  felt  chilly  and  shivery. 

A  hateful,  sharp-nosed  little  man  came  poking 
around  me.  He  looked  at  me  with  his  eyes  snapping, 
and  coughed  and  rumbled  in  his  throat  as  if  getting 
ready  to  say  something  disagreeable  to  me.  I  turned 
my  back  toward  him,  pulled  the  rug  about  my  feet, 
closed  my  eyes,  and  pretended  to  go  to  sleep.  Then 
he  said: 

"  Say,  excuse  me,  but  you  've  got  my  chair  and 
rug." 

I  sat  up.  I  was  about  to  retort  that  "  first  come, 
first  served  "  should  be  the  rule,  when  out  on  deck 
came  my  friend  Marsden.  In  a  twinkling  he  ap 
peared  to  take  in  the  situation,  for  he  strode  quickly 


ME  ii 

over  to  me,  and,  much  to  my  indignation,  took  me  by 
the  arm  and  helped  me  to  rise,  saying  that  my  chair 
was  "  over  here." 

I  was  about  to  reply  in  as  haughty  and  rebuking  a 
tone  as  I  could  command  when  I  was  suddenly  seized 
with  a  most  frightful  surge  of  nausea.  With  my 
good-looking  blond  sailor  still  holding  me  by  the  arm, 
and  murmuring  something  that  sounded  both  laugh 
ing  and  soothing,  I  fled  over  to  the  side  of  the  boat. 


II 

FOR  four  days  I  never  left  my  state-room.  "  A 
sea-voyage  is  an  inch  of  hell,"  says  an  old 
proverb  of  my  mother's  land,  and  to  this  proverb  I 
most  heartily  assented. 

An  American  girl  occupied  the  "  bunk  "  over  mine, 
and  shared  with  me  the  diminutive  state-room.  She 
was  even  sicker  than  I,  and  being  sisters  in  great  mis 
ery,  a  sweet  sympathy  grew  up  between  us,  so  that 
under  her  direction  I  chewed  and  sucked  on  the  sourest 
of  lemons,  and  under  mine  she  swallowed  lumps  of 
ice,  a  suggestion  made  by  my  father. 

On  the  second  day  I  had  recovered  somewhat,  and 
so  was  able  to  wait  upon  and  assist  her  a  bit.  Also. 
I  found  in  her  a  patient  and  silent  listener  (Heaven 
knows  she  could  not  be  otherwise,  penned  up  as  she 
was  in  that  narrow  bunk),  and  I  told  her  all  about  the 
glorious  plans  and  schemes  I  had  made  for  my  fa 
mous  future;  also  I  brought  forth  from  my  bag  nu 
merous  poems  and  stories,  and  these  I  poured  into  her 
deaf  ears  in  a  voluble  stream  as  she  lay  shaking  and 
moaning  in  her  bunk. 

It  had  been  growing  steadily  warmer  —  so  warm,  in 
deed,  that  I  felt  about  the  room  to  ascertain  whether 
there  were  some  heating-pipes  running  through  it. 

12 


ME  13 

On  the  fourth  day  my  new  friend  sat  up  in  her 
bunk  and  passionately  went  "  on  strike."  She  said : 

"  Say,  I  wish  you  'd  quit  reading  me  all  that  stuff. 
I  know  it 's  lovely,  but  I  've  got  a  headache,  and  hon 
estly  I  can't  for  the  life  of  me  take  an  interest  in  your 
poems  and  stories." 

Deeply  hurt,  I  folded  my  manuscripts.  She  leaned 
out  of  her  berth  and  caught  at  my  arm. 

"  Don't  be  angry,"  she  said.  "  I  did  n't  mean  to 
hurt  you." 

I  retorted  with  dignity  that  I  was  not  in  the  slight 
est  degree  hurt.  Also  I  quoted  a  proverb  about  cast 
ing  one's  pearls  before  swine,  which  sent  her  into  such 
a  peal  of  laughter  that  I  think  it  effectually  cured  her 
of  her  lingering  remnants  of  seasickness.  She 
jumped  out  of  her  bunk,  squeezed  me  about  the  waist, 
and  said: 

"  You  're  the  funniest  girl  I  've  ever  met  —  a  whole 
vaudeville  act."  She  added,  however,  that  she  liked 
me,  and  as  she  had  her  arm  about  me,  I  came  down 
from  my  high  horse,  and  averred  that  her  affection 
was  reciprocated.  She  then  told  me  her  name  and 
learned  mine.  She  was  bookkeeper  in  a  large  depart, 
ment  store.  Her  health  had  been  bad,  and  she  had 
been  saving  for  a  long  time  for  this  trip  to  the  West 
Indies. 

We  decided  that  we  were  now  well  enough  to  go 
on  deck.  As  I  dressed,  I  saw  her  watching  me  with 
a  rather  wondering  and  curious  expression.  My 


14  ME 

navy-blue  serge  dress  was  new,  and  although  it  was 
a  shapeless  article,  the  color  at  least  was  becoming, 
and  with  the  collar  purchased  in  New  York,  I  felt 
that  I  looked  very  well.  I  asked  her  what  she  thought 
of  my  dress.  She  said  evasively: 

"  Did  you  make  it  yourself?" 

I  said : 

"  No ;  mama  did." 

"  Oh,"  said  she. 

I  did  n't  just  like  the  sound  of  that  "  Oh,"  so  I  asked 
her  aggressively  if  she  did  n't  think  my  dress  was  nice. 
She  answered: 

"  I  think  you  Ve  got  the  prettiest  hair  of  any  girl 
I  ever  knew." 

My  hair  did  look  attractive,  and  I  was  otherwise 
quite  satisfied  with  my  appearance.  What  is  more,  I 
was  too  polite  to  let  her  know  what  I  thought  of  her 
appearance.  Although  it  was  March,  she,  poor  thing, 
had  put  on  a  flimsy  little  muslin  dress.  Of  course  it 
was  suffocatingly  hot  in  our  close  little  state-room, 
but,  still,  that  seemed  an  absurd  dress  to  wear  on  a 
boat.  I  offered  to  lend  her  a  knitted  woolen  scarf 
that  mama  had  made  me  to  throw  over  her  shoulders, 
but  she  shook  her  head,  and  we  went  up  on  deck. 

To  my  unutterable  surprise,  I  found  a  metamor 
phosis  had  taken  place  on  deck  during  my  four  days' 
absence.  Every  one  appeared  to  be  dressed  in  thin 
white  clothes ;  even  the  officers  were  all  in  white  duck. 
Moreover,  the  very  atmosphere  had  changed.  It  was 


ME  15 

as  warm  and  sultry  as  midsummer,  and  people  were 
sipping  iced  drinks  and  fanning  themselves! 

Slowly  it  dawned  upon  me  that  we  were  sailing 
toward  a  tropical  land.  In  a  hazy  sort  of  way  I  had 
known  that  the  West  Indies  was  a  warm  country,  but 
I  had  not  given  the  matter  much  thought.  My  father, 
who  had  been  all  over  the  world,  had  left  my  outfit 
ting  to  mama  and  me  (we  had  so  little  with  which  to 
buy  the  few  extra  things  mama,  who  was  more  of  a 
child  than  I,  got  me!),  and  I  had  come  away  with 
clothes  fit  for  a  land  which  often  registered  as  low  as 
twenty- four  degrees  below  zero! 

My  clothes  scorched  me;  so  did  my  burning  shame. 
I  felt  that  every  one's  eyes  were  bent  upon  me. 

Both  Captain  Hollowell  and  Mr.  Marsden  greeted 
me  cordially,  expressing  delight  at  seeing  me  again, 
but  although  the  captain  said  (in  a  big,  booming  voice 
that  every  one  on  deck  could  hear)  that  I  looked  like 
a  nice,  blooming  peony,  I  sensitively  fancied  I  detected 
a  laugh  beneath  his  words. 

Tragedies  should  be  measured  according  to  their 
effects.  Trifles  prick  us  in  youth  as  sharply  as  the 
things  that  ought  to  count.  I  sensitively  suffered  in 
my  pride  as  much  from  the  humiliation  of  wearing 
my  heavy  woolen  clothes  as  I  physically  did  from  the 
burden  of  their  weight  and  heat.  I  was  sure  that  I 
presented  a  ridiculous  and  hideous  spectacle.  I  felt 
that  every  one  was  laughing  at  me.  It  was  insuffer 
able;  it  was  torture. 


16  ME 

As  soon  as  I  could  get  away  from  that  joking  cap 
tain,  who  would  keep  patting  me  on  the  head,  and  that 
purser,  who  was  always  smiling  and  showing  his  white 
teeth,  I  ran  down  to  my  room,  which  I  had  hoped  to 
see  as  little  of  as  possible  for  the  rest  of  the  voyage. 

I  sat  down  on  the  only  chair  and  began  to  cry.  The 
ugly  little  room,  with  its  one  miserable  window,  seemed 
a  wretched,  intolerable  prison.  I  could  hear  the  sough 
ing  of  the  waves  outside,  and  a  wide  streak  of  blue 
sky  was  visible  through  my  port-hole  window.  The 
moving  of  the  boat  and  the  thud  of  the  machinery 
brought  home  to  me  strongly  the  fact  that  I  was  being 
carried  resistlessly  farther  and  farther  away  from  the 
only  home  I  had  ever  known,  and  which,  alas!  I  had 
yearned  to  leave. 

It  was  unbearably  hot,  and  I  took  off  my  woolen 
dress.  I  felt  that  I  would  never  go  on  deck  again; 
yet  how  was  I  going  to  endure  it  down  here  in  this 
little  hole  ?  I  was  thinking  miserably  about  that  when 
my  room-mate  came  back. 

"  Well,  here  you  are!  "^he  exclaimed.  "  I  've  been 
looking  for  you  everywhere !  Now  what 's  the  mat 
ter?" 

"  N-nothing,"  I  said;  but  despite  myself  the  sob 
would  come. 

"  You  poor  kid !  "  she  said.  "  I  know  what 's  the 
matter  with  you.  I  don't  know  what  your  folks  were 
thinking  of  when  they  sent  you  off  to  the  West  Indies 
in  Canadian  clothes.  Are  they  all  as  simple  as  you 


ME  17 

there  ?  But  now  don't  you  worry.  Here,  I  Ve  got 
six  pretty  nice-looking  shirt-waists,  besides  my  dresses, 
and  you  're  welcome  to  any  of  them  you  want.  You  're 
just  about  my  size.  I  'm  thirty-four." 

''  Thirty- four!  "  I  exclaimed,  astonished  even  in  the 
midst  of  my  grief.  "  Why,  I  thought  you  were  only 
about  twenty." 

"  Bust !  Bust !  "  she  cried,  laughing,  and  got  her 
waists  out  and  told  me  to  try  them  on.  I  gave  her  a 
kiss,  a  big  one,  I  was  so  delighted;  but  I  insisted  that 
I  could  not  borrow  her  waists.  I  would,  however,  buy 
some  of  them  if  she  would  sell  them. 

She  said  that  was  all  right,  and  she  sold  me  three 
of  them  at  a  dollar-fifty  each.  They  fitted  me  finely. 
I  never  felt  happier  in  my  life  than  when  I  put  on  one 
of  those  American-made  shirt-waists.  They  were 
made  sailor-fashion,  with  wide  turnover  collars  and 
elbow  sleeves;  with  a  red  silk  tie  in  front,  and  with 
my  blue  cloth  skirt,  I  really  did  look  astonishingly 
nice,  and,  anyway,  cool  and  neat.  The  fact  that  I 
now  possessed  only  two  dollars  and  fifty  cents  in  the 
world  gave  me  not  the  slightest  worry,  and  when  I 
ran  out  of  my  room,  humming,  and  up  the  stairs  and 
bang  into  the  arms  of  Captain  Hollowell,  he  did  not 
say  this  time  that  I  looked  like  a  peony,  but  that,  "  By 
George !  "  I  looked  like  a  nice  Canadian  rose. 


Ill 

64T~*\O  you  know,"  said  my  room-mate  on  the  night 

\_J  before  we  reached  Jamaica,  "  that  that  four- 
fifty  you  paid  me  for  those  waists  just  about  covers 
my  tips." 

"  Tips  ?  "  I  repeated  innocently.     "  What  are  tips  ?  " 

She  gave  me  a  long,  amazed  look,  her  mouth  wide- 
open. 

"  Good  heavens !  "  at  last  she  said,  "  where  have  you 
lived  all  of  your  life?  " 

"  In  Quebec,"  I  said  honestly. 

"  And  you  never  heard  of  tips  —  people  giving  tips 
to  waiters  and  servants  ?  " 

I  grew  uncomfortably  red  under  her  amused  and 
amazed  glance.  In  the  seven  days  of  that  voyage  my 
own  extraordinary  ignorance  had  been  daily  brought 
home  to  me.  I  now  said  lamely: 

"  Well,  we  had  only  one  servant  that  I  can  ever  re 
member,  a  woman  named  Sung-Sung  whom  papa 
brought  from  China;  but  she  was  more  like  one  of 
our  family,  a  sort  of  slave.  We  never  gave  her  tips, 
or  whatever  you  call  it." 

Did  I  not  know,  pursued  my  American  friend,  that 
people  gave  extra  money  —  that  is,  "tips" — to  wait- 

18 


ME  19 

ers  at  restaurants  and  hotels  when  they  got  through 
eating  a  meal? 

I  told  her  crossly  and  truthfully  that  I  had  never 
been  in  a  hotel  or  restaurant  in  all  my  life.  She  threw 
up  her  hands,  and  pronounced  me  a  vast  object  of 
pity.  She  then  fully  enlightened  me  as  to  the  exact 
meaning  of  the  word  "  tips,"  and  left  me  to  calculate 
painfully  upon  a  bit  of  paper  the  division  of  two  dol 
lars  and  fifty  cents  among  five  people ;  to  wit,  steward 
esses,  cabin  boys,  waiters,  etc. 

I  did  n't  tell  her  that  that  was  the  last  of  my  money 
—  that  two-fifty.  However,  I  did  not  expend  any 
thought  upon  the  subject  of  what  was  to  become  of 
me  when  I  arrived  in  Jamaica  sans  a  single  cent. 

We  brought  our  bags  and  belongings  out  on  deck 
before  the  boat  docked  next  day.  Every  one  was 
crowded  against  the  rails,  watching  the  approaching 
land. 

A  crowd  seemed  to  be  swarming  on  the  wharves, 
awaiting  our  boat.  As  we  came  nearer,  I  was  amazed 
to  find  that  this  crowd  was  made  up  almost  entirely 
of  negroes.  We  have  few  negroes  in  Canada,  and  I 
had  seen  only  one  in  all  my  life.  I  remember  an  older 
sister  had  shown  him  to  me  in  church  —  he  was  pure 
black  —  and  told  me  he  was  the  "  Bogy  man,"  and 
that  he  'd  probably  come  around  to  see  me  that  night. 
I  was  six.  I  never  took  my  eyes  once  from  his  face 
during  the  service,  and  I  have  never  forgotten  that 
face. 


20  ME 

It  was,  therefore,  with  a  genuine  thrill  of  excite 
ment  and  fear  that  I  looked  down  upon  that  vast  sea 
of  upturned  black  and  brown  faces.  Never  will  I 
forget  that  first  impression  of  Jamaica.  Everywhere 
I  looked  were  negroes  —  men  and  women  and  chil 
dren,  some  half  naked,  some  with  bright  handker 
chiefs  knotted  about  their  heads,  some  gaudily  attired, 
some  dressed  in  immaculate  white  duck,  just  like  the 
people  on  the  boat. 

People  were  saying  good-by,  and  many  had  already 
gone  down  the  gang-plank.  Several  women  asked  me 
for  my  address,  and  said  they  did  not  want  to  lose  me. 
I  told  them  I  did  not  know  just  where  I  was  going. 
I  expected  Mr.  Campbell  to  meet  me. 

As  Mr.  Campbell  had  not  come  on  board,  however, 
and  as  Captain  Hollowell  and  Mr.  Marsden  seemed 
to  have  forgotten  my  existence  in  the  great  rush  of 
arrival,  I,  too,  at  last  descended  the  gang-plank.  I 
found  myself  one  of  that  miscellaneous  throng  of  col 
ored  and  white  people. 

A  number  of  white  men  and  women  were  hurrying 
about  meeting  and  welcoming  expected  passengers, 
who  were  soon  disposed  of  in  various  vehicles.  Soon 
not  one  of  the  boat's  passengers  remained,  even  my 
room-mate  being  one  of  a  party  that  climbed  aboard 
a  bus  marked,  "  The  Crystal  Springs  Hotel." 

I  was  alone  on  that  Jamaica  wharf,  and  no  one  had 
come  to  claim  me! 

It  was  getting  toward  evening,  and  the  sky  in  the 


ME  21 

west  was  as  red  as  blood.  I  sat  down  on  my  bag 
and  waited.  Most  of  the  people  left  on  the  dock  were 
laborers  who  were  engaged  in  unloading  the  ship's 
cargo.  Women  with  heavy  loads  on  their  heads,  their 
hands  on  their  shaking  hips,  and  chattering  in  a  high 
singsong  dialect  (I  didn't  recognize  it  for  English  at 
first!),  passed  me.  Some  of  them  looked  at  me  curi 
ously,  and  one,  a  terrifying,  pock-marked  crone,  said 
something  to  me  that  I  could  not  understand. 

I  saw  the  sun  slipping  down  in  the  sky,  but  it  was 
still  as  bright  and  clear  as  mid-day.  Sitting  alone  on 
that  Jamaica  wharf,  I  scarcely  saw  the  shadows  deep 
ening  as  I  looked  out  across  the  Caribbean  Sea,  which 
shone  like  a  jewel  under  the  fading  light.  I  forgot 
my  surroundings  and  my  anxiety  at  the  failure  of  my 
employer  to  meet  me;  I  felt  no  fear,  just  a  vague  sort 
of  enchantment  and  interest  in  this  new  land  I  had 
discovered. 

But  I  started  up  screaming  when  I  felt  a  hand  on 
my  shoulder,  and  looking  up  in  the  steadily  deepening 
twilight,  I  saw  a  smiling  face  approach  my  own,  and 
the  face  was  black! 

I  fled  toward  the  boat,  crying  out  wildly : . 

"Captain  Hollowell!     O  Captain  Hollowell!" 

I  left  my  little  bag  behind  me.  Fear  lent  wings  to 
my  feet,  and  I  kept  crying  out  to  Captain  Hollowell  as 
I  ran  up  that  gang-plank,  mercifully  still  down.  At 
the  end  of  it  was  my  dear  blond  purser,  and  right  into 
his  arms  unhesitatingly  I  ran.  He  kept  saying: 


22  ME 

"  Well !  well !  well !  "  and  he  took  me  to  Captain  Hol- 
lowell,  who  swore  dreadfully  when  he  learned  that  Mr. 
Campbell  had  not  met  me.  Then  my  purser  went  to 
the  dock  wharf  to  get  my  bag,  and  to  "  skin  the  hide 
off  that  damned  black  baboon  "  who  had  frightened 
me. 

I  ate  dinner  with  Captain  Hollowell  and  the  officers 
of  the  Atlas  that  night,  the  last  remaining  passenger 
on  the  boat.  After  dinner,  accompanied  by  the  cap 
tain  and  the  purser,  I  was  taken  by  carriage  to  the  of 
fice  of  The  Lantern. 

I  don't  know  what  Captain  Hollowell  said  to  Mr. 
Campbell  before  I  was  finally  called  in,  for  I  had  been 
left  in  the  outer  office.  Their  voices  were  loud  and 
angry,  and  I  thought  they  were  quarreling.  I  de 
voutly  hoped  it  was  not  over  me.  I  was  tired  and 
sleepy.  In  fact,  when  Captain  Hollowell  motioned  to 
me  to  come  in,  I  remember  rubbing  my  eyes,  and  he 
put  his  arm  about  me  and  told  me  not  to  cry. 

In  a  dingy  office,  with  papers  and  books  scattered 
about  in  the  most  bewildering  disorder,  at  a  long  desk- 
table,  likewise  piled  with  books  and  journals  and  pa 
pers,  sat  an  old  man  who  looked  exactly  like  the  pic 
tures  of  Ibsen.  He  was  sitting  all  crumpled  up,  as  it 
were,  in  a  big  arm-chair;  but  as  I  came  forward  he 
sat  up  straight.  He  stared  at  me  so  long,  and  with 
such  a*i  expression  of  amazement,  that  I  became  un 
easy  and  embarrassed.  I  remember  holding  on  tight 
to  Captain  Hollowell's  sleeve  on  one  side  and  Mr. 


ME  23 

Marsden's  on  the  other.  And  then  at  last  a  single 
sentence  came  from  the  lips  of  my  employer.  It  came 
explosively,  despairingly : 

"My  God!"  said  the  owner  of  The  Lantern. 

It  seems  that  our  Quebec  friend  had  been  assigned 
to  obtain  for  The  Lantern  a  mature  and  experienced 
journalist.  Mr.  Campbell  had  expected  a  woman 
of  the  then  approved,  if  feared,  type  of  bluestock 
ing,  and  behold  a  baby  had  been  dropped  into  his 
lap! 

The  captain  and  Marsden  had  departed.  I  sat  alone 
with  that  old  man  who  looked  like  Ibsen,  and  who 
stared  at  me  as  if  I  were  some  freak  of  nature.  He 
had  his  elbows  upon  his  desk,  and  his  chin  propped  up 
in  the  cup  of  his  hands.  He  began  to  ask  me  ques 
tions,  after  he  had  literally  stared  me  down  and  out 
of  countenance,  and  I  sat  there  before  him,  twisting 
my  handkerchief  in  my  hand. 

"  How  old  are  you?  " 

"  Seventeen.  I  mean  —  I  'm  going  on  eighteen." 
Eighteen  was,  in  fact,  eleven  months  off. 

"  Have  you  ever  worked  before?  " 

"  I  've  written  things." 

After  a  silent  moment,  during  which  he  glared  at 
me  more  angrily  than  ever,  he  demanded : 

"  What  have  you  written  ?  " 

"  Poetry,"  I  said,  and  stopped  because  he  said  again 
in  that  lost  voice,  "  My  God ! " 

"What  else?" 


24  ME 

| 

"  I  had  a  story  published  in  The  Star''  I  said. 
"  I  've  got  it  here,  if  you  'd  like  to  see  it." 

He  made  a  motion  of  emphatic  dissent. 

"  What  else  have  you  done  ?  " 

"  I  taught  myself  shorthand,"  I  said,  "  and  I  can 
take  dictation  as  fast  as  you  can  talk." 

He  looked  frankly  skeptical  and  in  no  wise  im 
pressed. 

"  How  can  you  do  that  if  you  've  had  no  experience 
as  a  stenographer  ?  " 

"  I  got  a  shorthand  book,"  I  said  eagerly.  "  It 's 
not  at  all  hard  to  teach  yourself  after  you  learn  the 
rudiments.  My  sister  showed  me  that.  She  's  secre 
tary  to  the  Premier  of  Canada.  As  soon  as  I  had 
learned  shorthand,  I  acquired  practice  and  speed  by 
going  to  church  and  prayer-meetings  and  taking  down 
sermons." 

After  a  moment  he  said  grudgingly: 

"  Not  a  bad  idea."  And  then  added,  "  What  do 
you  think  you  are  going  to  do  here  ?  " 

"  Write  for  your  paper,"  I  said  as  conciliatingly  as 
I  could. 

"What?"  he  inquired  curiously. 

"  Why  —  anything  —  poetry  — ' 

He  waved  his  hand  in  such  a  dismissing  manner 
that  I  got  up,  though  it  was  my  poetry,  not  I,  he  wished 
to  be  rid  of  just  then.  I  went  nearer  to  him. 

"  I  know  you  don't  want  me,"  I  said,  "  and  I  don't 
want  to  stay.  I'm  sorry  I  came.  I  wouldn't  if  I 


ME  25 

t. 
* 

had  known  that  this  was  a  hot,  beastly  old  country 
where  nearly  everybody  is  black.  If  you  '11  just  get 
me  back  to  the  boat,  I  know  Captain  Hollowell  will  let 
me  go  back  with  him,  even  if  I  have  n't  the  money  for 
my  fare." 

"  What  about  the  money  I  paid  for  you  to  come 
here  ?  "  he  snarled.  "  Think  I  'm  going  to  lose  that  ?  " 

I  did  not  answer  him.  I  felt  enervated,  homesick, 
miserable,  and  tired.  He  got  up  presently,  limped 
over  to  another  table, —  he  was  lame, —  poured  a  glass 
of  water,  brought  it  to  me  with  a  big  fan,  and  said 
gruffly,  "  Sit !  " 

The  act,  I  don't  know  why,  touched  me.  In  a  dim 
way  I  began  to  appreciate  his  position.  He  was  a 
lame  old  man  running  a  fiery,  two-sheet  little  news 
paper  in  this  tropical  land  far  from  his  native  Canada. 
There  was  no  staff,  and,  indeed,  none  of  the  ordinary 
appurtenances  of  a  newspaper  office.  He  employed 
only  one  able  assistant,  and  as  he  could  not  get  such 
a  person  in  Jamaica  and  could  not  afford  to  pay  a 
man's  salary,  being  very  loyal  to  Canada,  he  had  been 
accustomed  to  send  there  for  bright  and  expert  young 
women  reporters  to  do  virtually  all  the  work  of  run 
ning  his  newspaper.  Newspaper  women  are  not 
plentiful  in  Canada.  The  fare  to  Jamaica  is,  or  was 
then,  about  $55.  Mr.  Campbell  must  have  turned  all 
these  things  over  in  his  mind  as  he  looked  at  this  latest 
product  of  his  native  land,  a  green,  green  girl  of  seven 
teen,  whose  promise  that  she  would  "  look  older  next 


26  ME 

day,"  when  her  "  hair  was  done  up,"  carried  little  re 
assurance  as  to  her  intelligence  or  ability. 

He  did  a  lot  of  "  cussing "  of  our  common  friend 
in  Canada.  Finally  he  said  that  he  would  take  me 
over  to  the  Myrtle  Bank  Hotel,  where  accommoda 
tions  had  been  arranged  for  me,  and  we  could  talk  the 
matter  over  in  the  morning. 

While  he  was  getting  his  stick  and  hat,  the  latter 
a  green-lined  helmet,  I  could  n't  resist  looking  at  some 
of  his  books.  He  caught  me  doing  this,  and  asked  me 
gruffly  if  I  had  ever  read  anything.  I  said : 

"  Yes,  Dickens,  George  Eliot,  and  Sir  Walter  Scott ; 
and  I  've  read  Huxley  and  Darwin,  and  lots  of  books 
on  astronomy  to  my  father,  who  is  very  fond  of  that 
subject."  As  he  made  no  comment,  nor  seemed  at  all 
impressed  by  my  erudition,  I  added  proudly :  "  My 
father 's  an  Oxford  man,  and  a  descendant  of  the 
family  of  Sir  Isaac  Newton." 

There  was  some  legend  to  this  effect  in  our  family. 
In  fact,  the  greatness  of  my  father's  people  had  been 
a  sort  of  fairy-story  with  us  all,  and  we  knew  that  it 
was  his  marriage  with  mama  that  had  cut  him  off  from 
his  kindred.  My  Jamaica  employer,  however,  showed 
no  interest  in  my  distinguished  ancestry.  He  took  me 
roughly  by  the  arm,  and  half  leaning  upon,  half  lead 
ing  me,  hobbled  with  me  out  into  the  dark  street. 

It  was  about  nine  o'clock.  As  we  approached  the 
hotel,  which  was  only  a  short  distance  from  the  office 
of  The  Lantern,  it  pleased  me  as  a  happy  omen  that 


ME  27 

somewhere  within  those  fragrant,  moonlit  gardens  a 
band  began  to  play  most  beautifully. 

Mr.  Campbell  took  me  to  the  room  of  the  girl  whose 
place  I  was  to  take,  and  who  was  also  from  Quebec. 
She  had  already  gone  to  bed,  but  she  rose  to  let  me  in. 
Mr.  Campbell  merely  knocked  hard  on  the  door  and 
said: 

"  Here 's  Miss  Ascough.  You  should  have  met 
her,"  and  angrily  shoved  me  in,  so  it  seemed  to  me. 

Miss  Foster,  her  hair  screwed  up  in  curl-papers, 
after  looking  at  me  only  a  moment,  said  in  a  tired, 
complaining  voice,  like  that  of  a  sick  person,  that  I 
had  better  get  to  bed  right  away;  and  then  she  got 
into  bed,  and  turned  her  face  to  the  wall.  I  tried  to 
draw  her  out  a  bit  while  undressing,  but  to  all  my 
questions  she  returned  monosyllabic  answers.  I  put 
out  the  light,  and  crept  into  bed  beside  her.  The  last 
thing  she  said  to  me,  and  very  irritably,  was : 

"  Keep  to  your  own  side  of  the  bed." 

I  slept  fairly  well,  considering  the  oppressiveness 
of  the  heat,  but  I  awoke  once  when  something  buzzed 
against  my  face. 

"  What 's  that  ?  "  I  cried,  sitting  up  in  bed. 

She  murmured  crossly: 

"  Oh,  for  heaven's  sake  lie  down !  I  have  n't  slept 
a  wink  for  a  century.  You  '11  have  to  get  used  to 
Jamaica  bugs  and  scorpions.  They  ought  to  have 
screens  in  the  windows ! " 

After  that  I  slept  with  the  sheet  over  my  head. 


IV 

I  WAS  awakened  at  six  the  following  morning.  A 
strange,  singsong  voice  called  into  the  room: 

"  Marnin',  missee!     Heah 's  your  coffee." 

I  found  Miss  Foster  up  and  dressed.  She  was  sit 
ting  at  a  table  drinking  coffee.  She  put  up  the  shade 
and  let  the  light  in.  Then  she  came  over  to  the  bed, 
where  the  maid  had  set  the  tray.  I  was  looking  at 
what  I  supposed  to  be  my  breakfast.  It  consisted  of 
a  cup  of  black  coffee  and  a  single  piece  of  dry  toast. 

'  You  'd  better  drink  your  coffee,"  said  Miss  Foster, 
wearily.  "  It  will  sustain  you  for  a  while." 

I  got  a  good  look  at  her,  standing  by  my  bed.  The 
yellowness  of  her  skin  startled  me,  and  I  wondered 
whether  it  could  be  possible  that  she,  too,  was  "  col 
ored."  Then  I  remembered  that  she  was  from  my 
home.  Moreover,  her  eyes  were  a  pale  blue,  and  her 
hair  a  light,  nondescript  brown.  She  had  a  peevish 
expression,  even  now  while  she  made  an  effort  at 
friendliness.  She  sat  down  on  the  side  of  my  bed, 
and  while  I  drank  my  coffee  and  nibbled  my  piece  of 
toast  she  told  me  a  few  things  about  the  country. 

Jamaica,  she  said,  was  the  beastliest  country  on  the 
face  of  the  earth.  Though  for  a  few  months  its  cli- 

28 


ME  29 

mate  was  tolerable,  the  rest  of  the  year  it  was  almost 
unbearable.  What  with  the  crushing  heat  and  the 
dirty,  drizzling  rain  that  followed,  and  fell  without 
ceasing  for  months  at  a  time,  all  ambition,  all  strength, 
all  hope  were  slowly  knocked  out  of  one.  There  were 
a  score  of  fevers,  each  one  as  bad  as  the  others.  She 
was  suffering  from  one  now.  That  was  why  she  was 
going  home.  She  was  young,  so  she  said,  but  she 
felt  like  an  old  woman.  She  pitied  me,  she  declared, 
for  what  was  before  me,  and  said  Campbell  had  no 
right  to  bring  healthy  young  girls  from  Canada  with 
out  first  telling  them  what  they  were  coming  up  against. 

I  put  in  here  that  perhaps  I  should  fare  better.  I 
said: 

"  I  'm  almost  abnormally  healthy  and  strong,  you 
know,  even  if  I  look  thin.  I  'm  the  wiry  kind." 

She  sniffed  at  that,  and  then  said,  with  a  shrug: 

"  Oh,  well,  maybe  you  will  escape.  I  'm  sure  I  wish 
you  better  luck  than  mine.  But  one  thing 's  certain : 
you  '11  lose  that  Canadian  complexion  of  yours  all 
right." 

My  duties,  she  said,  would  be  explained  to  me  by 
Mr.  Campbell  himself,  though  she  was  going  to  stay 
over  a  day  or  two  to  help  break  me  in.  My  salary 
would  be  ten  dollars  a  week  and  free  board  and  lodg 
ing  at  the  Myrtle  Bank  Hotel.  I  told  her  of  the 
slighting  reception  I  had  received  at  the  hands  of  Mr. 
Campbell,  and  she  said : 

"  Oh,  well,  he  's  a  crank.     You  could  n't  please  him, 


30  ME 

no  matter  what  you  did."  Then  she  added :  "  I  don't 
see,  anyhow,  why  he  objected  to  you.  Brains  aren't 
so  much  needed  in  a  position  like  this  as  legs  and  a 
constitution  of  iron." 

As  the  day  advanced,  the  heat  encroached.  Miss 
Foster  sat  fanning  herself  languidly  by  the  window, 
looking  out  with  a  far-away  expression.  I  told  her 
about  my  clothes,  and  how  mortified  I  was  to  find 
them  so  different  from  those  of  the  others  on  the  boat. 
She  said: 

"  You  can  have  all  my  clothes,  if  you  want.  They 
won't  do  for  Canada." 

That  suggested  a  brilliant  solution  of  my  problem 
of  how  I  was  to  secure  immediately  suitable  clothes 
for  Jamaica.  I  suggested  that  as  she  was  going  to 
Canada,  she  could  have  mine,  and  I  would  take  hers. 
The  proposition  seemed  to  give  her  a  sort  of  grim 
amusement.  She  looked  over  my  clothes.  She  took 
the  woolen  underwear  and  heavy,  hand-knitted  stock 
ings  (that  Sung-Sung  had  made  for  an  older  brother, 
and  which  had  descended  to  me  after  two  sisters  had 
had  them!),  two  woolen  skirts,  my  heavy  overcoat, 
and  several  other  pieces. 

She  gave  me  a  number  of  white  muslin  dresses,-— 
they  seemed  lovely  to  me, —  an  evening  gown  with  a 
real  low  neck,  cotton  underwear,  hose,  etc. 

I  put  my  hair  up  for  the  first  time  that  morning. 
As  I  curled  it  a  bit,  this  was  not  difficult  to  do.  I  sim 
ply  rolled  it  up  at  the  back  and  held  the  chignon  in 


ME  31 

place  with  four  bone  hair-pins  that  she  gave  me.  I 
put  on  one  of  her  white  muslin  dresses  but  it  was  so 
long  for  me  that  we  had  to  make  a  wide  tuck  in  it. 
Then  I  wore  a  wide  Leghorn  hat,  the  only  trimming 
of  which  was  a  piece  of  cream-colored  mull  twisted 
like  a  scarf  about  the  crown. 

I  asked  Miss  Foster  if  I  looked  all  right,  and  was 
suitably  dressed,  and  she  said  grudgingly: 

"  Yes,  you  '11  do.  You  're  quite  pretty.  You  'd 
better  look  out." 

Asked  to  explain,  she  merely  shrugged  her  shoul 
ders  and  said : 

"  There  's  only  a  handful  of  white  women  here, 
you  know.  We  don't  count  the  tourists.  You  '11 
have  all  you  can  do  to  hold  the  men  here  at  arm's- 
length."  " 

This  last  prospect  by  no  means  bothered  me.  I  had 
the  most  decided  and  instinctive  liking  for  the  oppo 
site  sex. 

The  hotel  was  beautiful,  built  somewhat  in  the 
Spanish  style,  with  a  great  inner  court,  and  an  arcade 
that  ran  under  the  building.  Long  verandas  ran  out 
like  piers  on  each  side  of  the  court,  which  was  part  of 
the  wonderful  garden  that  extended  to  the  shores  of 
the  Caribbean. 

The  first  thing  I  saw  as  we  came  out  from  our  room 
upon  one  of  the  long-pier  verandas  was  an  enormous 
bird.  It  was  sitting  on  the  branch  of  a  fantastic  and 
incredibly  tall  tree  that  was  all  trunk,  and  then  burst 


32  ME 

into  great  fan-like  foliage  at  the  top.  Subsequently  I 
learned  that  this  was  a  cocoanut  tree. 

The  proprietor  of  the  hotel,  who  was  dark,  smiling, 
and  deferential,  came  up  to  be  introduced  to  me,  and 
I  said,  meaning  to  pay  a  compliment  to  his  country : 

"  You  have  fine-looking  birds  here." 

He  looked  at  me  sharply  and  then  snickered,  as  if 
he  thought  I  were  joking  about  something. 

"  That 's  a  scavenger,"  he  said.  "  There  are  hun 
dreds,  thousands  of  them  here  in  Jamaica.  Glad  you 
like  them." 

I  thought  it  an  ugly  name  for  a  bird,  but  I  said : 

"  It 's  a  very  interesting  bird,  I  think." 

Miss  Foster  pulled  me  along  and  said  sharply  that 
the  birds  were  vultures.  They  called  them  scavengers 
in  Jamaica  because  they  really  acted  as  such.  Every 
bit  of  dirt  and  filth  and  refuse,  she  declared  with  dis 
gust,  was  thrown  into  the  streets,  and  devoured  shortly 
by  the  scavengers.  If  a  horse  or  animal  died  or  was 
killed,  it  was  put  into  the  street.  Within  a  few  min 
utes  it  had  completely  disappeared,  the  scavengers  hav 
ing  descended  like  flies  upon  its  body.  She  darkly 
hinted,  moreover,  that  many  a  human  corpse  had  met 
a  similar  fate.  I  acquired  a  shuddering  horror  for  that 
"  interesting  bird  "  then  and  there,  I  can  tell  you,  and 
I  thought  of  the  unscreened  windows,  and  asked  Miss 
Foster  if  they  ever  had  been  known  to  touch  living 
things.  She  shrugged  her  shoulders,  which  was  not 
reassuring. 


ME  33 

Miss  Foster  took  me  into  the  hotel's  great  dining- 
room,  which  was  like  a  pleasant  open  conservatory, 
with  great  palms  and  plants  everywhere.  There  we 
had  breakfast,  for  it  seems  coffee  and  toast  were  just 
an  appetizer.  I  never  became  used  to  Jamaica  cook 
ing.  It  was  mushy,  hot,  and  sweet. 

After  breakfast  we  reported  at  The  Lantern,  where 
Mr.  Campbell,  looking  even  fiercer  in  the  day,  impa 
tiently  awaited  us.  He  wished  Miss  Foster  to  take 
me  directly  out  to  Government  House  and  teach  me 
my  duties  there,  as  the  Legislative  Council  was  then 
in  session.  He  mumbled  off  a  lot  of  instructions  to. 
Miss  Foster,  ignoring  me  completely.  His  apparent 
contempt  for  me,  and  his  evident  belief  that  there  was 
no  good  to  be  expected  from  me,  whetted  my  desire 
to  prove  to  him  that  I  was  not  such  a  fool  as  I  looked, 
or,  rather,  as  he  seemed  to  think  I  looked.  I  listened 
intently  to  everything  he  said  to  Miss  Foster,  but  even 
so  I  received  only  a  confused  medley  of  "Bills  —  at 
torney-general  —  Representative  So  and  So  —  Hon. 
Mr.  So  and  So,"  etc. 

I  carried  away  with  me,  however,  one  vivid  instruc 
tion,  and  that  was  that  it  was  absolutely  necessary  for 
The  Lantern  to  have  the  good-will  of  the  Hon.  Mr. 
Burbank,  whom  we  must  support  in  everything.  It 
seemed,  according  to  Mr.  Campbell,  that  there  was 
some  newspaper  libel  law  that  was  being  pressed  in 
the  House  that,  if  passed,  would  bring  the  Jamaica 
press  down  to  a  pusillanimous  condition. 


34 

Mr.  Burbank  was  to  fight  this  bill  for  the  newspa 
pers.  He  was,  in  fact,  our  representative  and  cham 
pion.  The  Lantern,  in  return,  was  prepared  to  sup 
port  him  in  other  measures  that  he  was  fathering. 
Miss  Foster  and  I  were  to  remember  to  treat  him  with 
more  than  common  attention.  I  did  not  know,  of 
course,  that  this  meant  in  our  newspaper  references 
to  him,  and  I  made  a  fervent  vow  personally  to  win  the 
favor  of  said  Burbank. 

We  got  into  a  splendid  little  equipage,  upholstered 
in  tan  cloth  and  with  a  large  tan  umbrella  top,  which 
was  lined  with  green. 

We  drove  for  several  miles  through  a  country  re 
markable  for  its  beautiful  scenery.  It  was  a  land  of 
color.  It  was  like  a  land  of  perpetual  spring  —  a 
spring  that  was  ever  green.  I  saw  not  a  single  shade 
that  was  dull.  Even  the  trunks  of  the  gigantic  trees 
seemed  to  have  a  warm  tone.  The  flowers  were 
startlingly  bright  —  yellow,  scarlet,  and  purple. 

We  passed  many  country  people  along  the  road. 
They  moved  with  a  sort  of  languid,  swinging  amble, 
as  if  they  dragged,  not  lifted,  their  flat  feet.  Women 
carried  on  their  heads  enormous  bundles  and  some 
times  trays.  How  they  balanced  them  so  firmly  was 
always  a  mystery  to  me,  especially  as  most  of  them 
either  had  their  hands  on  their  hips,  or,  more  extraor 
dinary,  carried  or  led  children,  and  even  ran  at  times. 
Asses,  loaded  on  each  side  with  produce,  ambled  along 
as  draggingly  as  the  natives. 


ME  35 

Miss  Foster  made  only  three  or  four  remarks  dur 
ing  the  entire  journey.  These  are  her  remarks.  They 
are  curious  taken  altogether: 

"  This  carriage  belongs  to  Mr.  Burbank.  He  sup 
plies  all  the  vehicles,  by  the  way,  for  the  press." 

"  Those  are  the  botanical  gardens.  Jamaica  has 
Mr.  Burbank  to  thank  for  their  present  excellent  con 
dition.  Remember  that." 

"  We  are  going  by  the  Burbank  plantation  now. 
He  has  a  place  in  Kingston,  too,  and  a  summer  home 
in  the  mountains." 

"If  we  beat  that  newspaper  libel  law,  you'll  have 
a  chance  to  write  all  the  funny  things  and  rhymes  you 
want  about  the  mean  sneaks  who  are  trying  to  push  it 
through." 

Even  during  the  long  drive  through  the  green  coun 
try  I  had  been  insensibly  affected  by  the  ever-growing 
heat.  In  the  long  chamber  of  Government  House, 
where  the  session  was  to  be  held,  there  seemed  not  a 
breath  of  air  stirring.  It  was  insufferably  hot,  though 
the  place  was  virtually  empty  when  we  arrived.  I  had 
a  shuddering  notion  of  what  it  would  be  like  when  full. 

Miss  Foster  was  hustling  about,  getting  "  papers  " 
and  "  literature  "of  various  kinds,  and  as  the  legis 
lators  arrived,  she  chatted  with  some  of  them.  She 
had  left  me  to  my  own  devices,  and  I  did  not  know 
what  to  do  with  myself.  I  was  much  embarrassed,  as 
every  one  who  passed  into  the  place  took  a  look  at  me. 
We  were  the  only  two  girls  in  the  House. 


36  ME 

There  was  a  long  table  in  the  middle  of  the  room, 
at  which  the  members  of  Parliament  and  the  elected 
members  had  their  seats,  and  there  was  a  smaller  table 
at  one  side  for  the  press.  I  had  remained  by  the  door, 
awaiting  Miss  Foster's  instructions.  The  room  was 
rapidly  beginning  to  fill.  A  file  of  black  soldiers 
spread  themselves  about  the  room,  standing  very  fine 
and  erect  against  the  walls.  At  the  council  table,  on 
one  side,  were  the  Parliament  members,  Englishmen, 
every  one  of  whom  wore  the  conventional  monocle. 
On  the  other  side  were  the  elected  members,  who  were, 
without  an  exception,  colored  men.  I  was  musing 
over  this  when  a  very  large,  stout,  and  handsome  per 
sonage  (he  was  a  personage!)  entered  ponderously, 
followed  by  several  younger  men.  Every  one  in  the 
room  rose,  and  until  he  took  his  seat  (in  a  big  chair 
on  a  little  elevated  platform  at  the  end  of  the  room) 
they  remained  standing.  This  was  his  Excellency  Sir 
Henry  Drake,  the  Governor-General  of  Jamaica. 
The  House  was  now  in  session. 

By  this  time  I  experienced  a  natural  anxiety  to  know 
what  was  to  become  of  me.  Surely  I  was  not  sup 
posed  to  stand  there  by  the  door.  Glancing  across  at 
the  press  table,  I  presently  saw  Miss  Foster  among 
the  reporters.  She  was  half  standing,  and  beckoning 
to  me  to  join  her.  Confused  and  embarrassed,  I 
passed  along  at  the  back  of  one  end  of  the  council 
table,  and  was  proceeding  in  the  direction  of  the  press 


ME  37 

table,  when  suddenly  the  room  reverberated  with  loud 
cries  from  the  soldiers  of,  "  Order !  order !  order !  " 

I  hesitated  only  a  moment,  ignorant  of  the  fact  that 
that  call  was  directed  against  me,  and,  as  I  paused,  I 
looked  directly  into  the  purpling  face  of  the  Governor 
of  Jamaica.  He  had  put  on  his  monocle.  His  face 
was  long  and  preternaturally  solemn,  but  there  was  a 
queer,  twisted  smile  about  his  mouth,  and  I  swear  that 
he  winked  at  me  through  that  monocle,  which  fell  into 
his  hand.  I  proceeded  to  my  seat,  red  as  a  beet. 

"  Great  guns ! "  whispered  Miss  Foster,  dragging 
me  down  beside  her,  "  you  walked  in  front  of  the 
governor!  You  should  have  gone  behind  his  chair. 
What  will  Mr.  Campbell  say  when  he  knows  you  were 
called  to  order  the  first  day !  A  fine  reflection  on  The 
Lantern!"  She  added  the  last  sentence  almost  bit 
terly. 

What  went  on  at  that  session  I  never  in  the  world 
could  have  told.  It  was  all  like  an  incomprehensible 
dream.  Black  men,  the  elected  members,  rose,  and 
long  and  eloquently  talked  in  regard  to  some  bill. 
White  men  (government)  rose  and  languidly  re 
sponded,  sometimes  with  a  sort  of  drawling  good 
humor,  sometimes  satirically.  I  began  to  feel  the  ef 
fect  of  the  oppressive  atmosphere  in  a  way  I  had  not 
yet  experienced.  An  unconquerable  impulse  to  lay 
my  head  down  upon  the  table  and  go  to  sleep  seized 
upon  me,  and  I  could  scarcely  keep  my  eyes  open. 


38  ME 

At  last  my  head  did  fall  back  against  the  chair;  my 
eyes  closed.  I  did  not  exactly  faint,  but  I  succumbed 
slightly  to  the  heat.  I  heard  a  voice  whispering  at 
my  ear,  for  the  proceedings  went  on,  as  if  it  were  a 
common  thing  for  a  woman  to  faint  in  Government 
House. 

"  Drink  this!  "  said  the  voice,  and  I  opened  my  eyes 
and  looked  up  into  a  fair,  boyish  face  that  was  bend 
ing  over  mine.  I  drank  that  cool  Jamaica  kola,  and 
recovered  myself  sufficiently  to  sit  up  again.  Said 
my  new  friend: 

"  It  '11  be  cooler  soon.  You  '11  get  used  to  the  cli 
mate,  and  if  I  were  you,  I  wouldn't  try  to  do  any 
work  to-day." 

I  said: 

"  I  've  got  to  learn.  Miss  Foster  sails  to-morrow, 
and  after  that—" 

"  I  '11  show  you  after  that,"  he  said,  and  smiled 
reassuringly. 

At  one  there  was  an  adjournment  for  luncheon.  I 
then  became  the  center  of  interest,  and  was  introduced 
by  Miss  Foster  to  the  members  of  the  press.  Jamaica 
boasted  three  papers  beside  ours,  and  there  were  rep 
resentatives  at  the  Parliament's  sessions  from  other 
West  Indian  islands.  I  was  also  introduced  to  sev 
eral  of  the  members,  both  black  and  white. 

I  went  to  luncheon  with  Miss  Foster  and  two  mem 
bers  of  Parliament  (white)  and  three  reporters,  one 
of  them  the  young  man  who  had  given  me  the  kola, 


ME  39 

and  whose  name  was  Verley  Marchmont.  He  was  an 
Englishman,  the  younger  son  in  a  poor,  but  titled, 
family.  We  had  luncheon  at  a  little  inn  hard  by,  and 
while  there  I  made  three  engagements  for  the  week. 
With  one  of  the  men  I  was  to  go  to  a  polo  match 
(Jamaica  had  a  native  regiment  whose  officers  were 
English),  with  another  I  was  to  attend  a  ball  in  a 
lighthouse,  and  young  Marchmont,  who  was  only 
about  eighteen,  was  to  call  upon  me  that  evening. 

At  the  end  of  the  afternoon  session,  which  was  not 
quite  so  wearing,  as  it  had  grown  cooler,  I  was  intro 
duced  by  Miss  Foster  to  the  governor's  secretary, 
Lord  George  Fitzpatrick,  who  had  been  smiling  at  me 
from  behind  the  governor's  back  most  of  the  day.  By 
him  I  was  introduced  to  the  governor,  who  seemed  to 
regard  me  as  a  more  or  less  funny  curiosity,  if  I  am 
to  judge  from  his  humorous  expression.  Lord  George 
also  introduced  me  to  other  government  members,  and 
he  asked  me  if  I  liked  candies.  I  said  I  did.  He 
asked  me  if  I  played  golf  or  rode  horseback.  I  said 
I  did  n't,  but  I  could  learn,  and  he  said  he  was  a  great 
teacher. 

By  this  time  I  thought  I  had  met  every  one  con 
nected  with  the  House,  when  suddenly  I  heard  some 
one  —  I  think  it  was  one  of  the  reporters  —  call 
out: 

"  Oh,  all  right,  Mr.  Burbank.     I  '11  see  to  it." 

Miss  Foster  was  drawing  me  along  toward  the  door. 
It  was  time  to  go.  Our  carriage  was  waiting  for  us. 


40  ME 

As  we  were  going  out,  I  asked  her  whether  I  had  yet 
met  Mr.  Burbank,  and  she  said  she  supposed  so. 

"  I  don't  remember  meeting  him,"  I  persisted,  "  and 
I  want  very  specially  to  meet  Mr.  Burbank." 

On  the  steps  below  us  a  man  somewhat  dudishly 
attired  in  immaculate  white  duck,  and  wearing  a  green- 
lined  helmet,  turned  around  and  looked  up  at  us.  His 
face  was  almost  pure  black.  His  nose  was  large  and 
somewhat  hooked.  I  have  subsequently  learned  that 
he  was  partly  Hebrew.  He  had  an  enormous  mouth, 
and  teeth  thickly  set  with  gold.  He  wore  gold-rimmed 
glasses  with  a  chain,  and  these  and  his  fine  clothes 
gave  a  touch  of  distinction  to  his  appearance.  At 
least  it  made  him  stand  out  from  the  average  colored 
man.  As  I  spoke,  I  saw  him  look  at  me  with  a  curi 
ous  expression;  then  smiling,  he  held  out  his  big 
hand. 

"  I  am  the  Hon.  Mr.  Burbank,"  he  said. 

I  was  startled  to  find  that  this  man  I  had  been  plan 
ning  to  cultivate  was  black.  I  do  not  know  why,  but 
as  I  looked  down  into  that  ingratiating  face,  I  was 
filled  with  a  sudden  panic  of  almost  instinctive  fear, 
and  although  he  held  out  his  hand  to  me,  I  did  not  take 
it.  For  that  I  was  severely  lectured  by  Miss  Foster 
all  the  way  back.  She  reminded  me  that  I  could  not 
afford  to  snub  so  powerful  a  Jamaican  as  Burbank, 
and  that  if  I  had  the  slightest  feeling  of  race  preju 
dice,  I  had  better  either  kill  it  at  once  or  clear  out  of 
Jamaica.  She  said  that  socially  there  was  absolutely 


ME  41 

no  difference  between  the  white  and  colored  people  in 
Jamaica. 

As  a  matter  of  fact,  I  had  literally  never  even  heard 
the  expression  "  race  prejudice  "  before,  and  I  was  as 
far  from  feeling  it  as  any  person  in  the  world.  It 
must  be  remembered  that  in  Canada  we  do  not  en 
counter  the  problem  of  race.  One  color  there  is  as 
good  as  another.  Certainly  people  of  Indian  extrac 
tion  are  well  thought  of  and  esteemed,  and  my  own 
mother  was  a  foreigner.  What  should  I,  a  girl  who 
had  never  before  been  outside  Quebec,  and  whose  ex 
perience  had  been  within  the  narrow  confines  of  home 
and  a  small  circle,  know  of  race  prejudice? 

Vaguely  I  had  a  feeling  that  all  men  were  equal  as 
men.  I  do  not  believe  it  was  in  me  to  turn  from  a 
man  merely  because  of  his  race,  so  long  as  he  himself 
was  not  personally  repugnant  to  me.  I  myself  was 
dark  and  foreign-looking,  but  the  blond  type  I  adored. 
In  all  my  most  fanciful  imaginings  and  dreams  I  had 
always  been  golden-haired  and  blue-eyed. 


I  GOT  on  better  with  Mr.  Campbell  after  Miss  Fos 
ter  went.  He  told  me  it  was  necessary  for  us  to 
keep  on  the  right  side  of  Mr.  Burbank,  who  was  one 
of  the  greatest  magnates  and  philanthropists  of  Ja 
maica,  but  he  took  occasion  to  contradict  some  of 
Miss  Foster's  statements.  It  was  not  true,  he  said, 
that  there  was  no  social  distinction  between  black  and 
white  in  Jamaica.  That  was  the  general  opinion  of 
tourists  in  Jamaica,  who  saw  only  the  surface  of 
things,  but  as  a  matter  of  fact,  though  the  richest 
people  and  planters  were  of  colored  blood;  though 
they  were  invited  to  all  the  governor's  parties  and  the 
various  official  functions;  though  they  were  in  vast 
evidence  at  polo  and  cricket  matches ;  though  many  of 
them  were  talented  and  cultivated,  nevertheless,  there 
was  a  fine  line  drawn  between  them  and  the  native 
white  people  who  counted  for  anything.  This  he 
wished  me  to  bear  in  mind,  so  that  while  I  should 
always  act  in  such  a  way  as  never  in  the  slightest  to 
hurt  or  offend  the  feelings  of  the  colored  element, 
whose  good-will  was  essential  to  The  Lantern,  I  must 
retain  my  dignity  and  stoop  to  no  familiarity  which 
would  bring  me  and  The  Lantern  into  disrepute  with 

42 


ME  43 

the  white  element,  whose  good-will  was  equally  es 
sential. 

I  think  in  less  than  a  week  my  employer  began 
grudgingly  to  approve  of  me;  in  about  two  weeks  we 
were  friends.  His  eyes  no  longer  glared  at  me 
through  his  thick  glasses.  Once  when  I  timidly  prof 
fered  one  of  my  "  poems,"  those  same  fierce  eyes  actu 
ally  beamed  upon  me.  What  is  more,  he  published 
the  poem! 

Of  course  it  was  chiefly  my  work  that  won  me  favor 
with  Mr.  Campbell.  I  came  back  every  day  from  Gov 
ernment  House  with  accurate  and  intelligent  reports 
of  the  debates.  I  wonder  what  Mr.  Campbell  would 
have  said  to  me  had  he  known  that  nearly  all  my  first 
reports  were  written  for  me  by  young  Verley  March- 
mont  of  The  Daily  Call,  The  Lantern's  deadliest  rival ! 
For  the  life  of  me,  I  never  could  grasp  the  details  of 
the  debates  clearly  enough  to  report  them  coherently, 
and  so  young  Marchmont  obligingly  "  helped "  me. 
However,  these  debates  were  only  a  part  of  my  work, 
though  at  this  time  they  constituted  the  chief  of  my 
duties. 

For  a  young  person  in  a  hot  country  I  was  kept 
extremely  busy.  Even  after  my  day's  work  was  over 
I  had  to  bustle  about  the  hotel  and  dig  up  society  notes 
and  stories,  or  I  had  to  attend  meetings,  functions,  and 
parties  of  various  kinds. 

One  morning  after  I  had  been  on  The  Lantern  about 
a  week,  Mr.  Campbell  handed  me  a  list  of  my  duties 


44  ME 

as  an  employee  of  The  Lantern.     Perhaps  you  would 
like  to  know  exactly  what  they  were : 

1.  To  attend  and  report  the  debates  of  the  Legis 
lative  Council  when  in  session. 

2.  To  report  City  Council  proceedings. 

3.  To  report  court  cases  of  interest  to  the  public. 

4.  To  keep  posted  on  all  matters  of  interest  to  Great 
Britain  and  Jamaica. 

5.  To  make  calls  upon  and  interview  at  intervals 
His   Excellency  the   Governor-General,   the   Colonial 
Secretary,  the  Commander  of  the  Forces,  the  Attor 
ney-General,  and  other  Government  officials. 

6.  To  interview  elected  members  when  matters  of 
interest  demand  it. 

7.  To  interview  prominent  Americans  or  those  who 
are  conspicuous  on  account  of  great  wealth. 

8.  To  report  political  speeches. 

9.  To  report  races,  cricket  matches,  polo,  etc. 

10.  To  represent  The  Lantern  at  social  functions. 

11.  To  visit  stores,  factories,  etc.,  and  to  write  a 
weekly  advertising  column. 

12.  To  prepare  semi-weekly  a  bright  and  enter 
taining  woman's  column,  into  which  must  be  skilfully 
woven  the  names  of  Jamaica's  society  women. 

13.  To  review  books  and  answer  correspondence. 

14.  To  correct  proof  in  the  absence  of  the  proof 
reader. 

15.  To  edit  the  entire  paper  when  sickness  or  ab 
sence  of  the  editor  prevents  him  from  attending. 


ME  45 

Mr.  Campbell  watched  my  face  keenly  as  I  read 
that  list,  and  finally,  when  I  made  no  comment,  he 
prompted  me  with  a  gruff,  "  Well  ?  "  To  which  I 
replied,  with  a  smile : 

"  I  think  what  you  want,  Mr.  Campbell,  is  a  mental 
and  physical  acrobat." 

"  Do  I  understand  from  that,"  he  thundered,  "  that 
you  cannot  perform  these  necessary  duties  ?  " 

"  On  the  contrary,"  I  returned  coolly,  "  I  think  that 
I  can  perform  them  all,  one  at  a  time;  but  you  have 
left  out  one  important  item." 

"Well,  what?" 

"  Poetry,"  I  said. 

My  answer  tickled  him  immensely,  and  he  burst  into 
loud  laughter. 

"  Got  any  about  you  ?  "  he  demanded.  "  I  believe 
you  have  it  secreted  all  over  you." 

I  said: 

"  I  've  none  of  my  own  this  morning,  but  here  's 
a  fine  little  verse  I  wish  you  'd  top  our  editorial  page 
with,"  and  I  handed  him  the  following : 

For  the  cause  that  lacks  assistance ; 
For  the  wrong  that  needs  resistance; 
For  the  future  in  the  distance, 
And  the  good  that  we  can  do ! 

With  such  a  motto,  we  felt  called  upon  to  be  pug 
nacious  and  virtuous,  and  all  of  that  session  of  Par 
liament  our  little  sheet  kept  up  a  peppery  fight  for  the 
rights  of  the  people. 


46  ME 

Mr.  Campbell  said  that  I  looked  strong  and  impu 
dent  enough  to  do  anything,  and  when  I  retorted  that 
I  was  not  the  least  bit  impudent,  but,  on  the  contrary, 
a  dreamer,  he  said  crossly: 

"If  that 's  the  case,  you  '11  be  incompetent." 

But  I  was  a  dreamer,  and  I  was  not  incompe 
tent. 

It  was  all  very  well,  however,  to  joke  with  Mr. 
Campbell  about  these  duties.  They  were  pretty  hard 
just  the  same,  and  I  was  kept  rushing  from  morning 
till  night.  There  was  always  a  pile  of  work  waiting 
me  upon  my  return  from  Government  House,  and 
I  could  see  that  Mr.  Campbell  intended  gradually  to 
shift  the  major  part  of  the  work  entirely  upon  me. 

The  unaccustomed  climate,  the  intense  heat,  and  the 
work,  which  I  really  loved  —  all  contributed  to  make 
me  very  tired  by  evening,  when  my  duties  were  by  no 
means  ended. 

Miss  Foster's  warning  that  I  should  have  to  keep 
the  men  at  arm's-length  occasionally  recurred  to  me, 
but  I  dare  say  she  exaggerated  the  matter.  It  is  true 
that  considerable  attention  was  directed  at  me  when 
I  first  came  to  Jamaica,  and  I  received  no  end  of 
flowers  and  candies  and  other  little  gifts;  but  my  work 
was  so  exacting  and  ceaseless  that  it  occupied  all  of 
my  time.  I  could  do  little  more  than  pause  a  moment 
or  two  to  exchange  a  word  or  joke  with  this  or  that 
man  who  sought  flirtations  with  me.  I  was  always  in 
a  hurry.  Rushing  along  through  the  hotel  lobby  or 


ME  47 

parlors  or  verandas,  I  scarcely  had  time  to  get  more 
than  a  confused  impression  of  various  faces. 

There  was  a  ball  nearly  every  night,  and  I  always 
had  to  attend,  for  a  little  while,  anyway ;  but  I  did  not 
exactly  mingle  with  the  guests.  I  never  danced, 
though  lots  of  men  asked  me.  I  would  get  my  list 
of  guests  and  the  description  of  the  women's  dresses, 
etc.,  write  my  column,  and  despatch  it  by  boy  to  The 
Lantern,  and  I  would  go  to  bed  while  the  music  was 
still  throbbing  through  the  hotel.  Often  the  guests 
were  dancing  till  dawn. 

Now  I  come  to  Dr.  Manning.  He  was  the  one  man 
in  the  hotel  who  persistently  sought  me  and  endeavored 
to  make  love  to  me.  He  was  an  American,  one  of 
a  yachting  party  cruising  in  the  Caribbean.  I  was  not 
attracted  to  him  at  all,  and  as  far  as  I  could,  I  avoided 
him;  but  I  could  not  come  out  upon  the  verandas  or 
appear  anywhere  about  the  hotel  without  his  seeming 
to  arise  from  somewhere,  and  come  with  his  flattering 
smiles  and  jokes.  His  hair  was  gray,  and  he  had  a 
pointed,  grizzled  beard.  He  was  tall,  and  carried 
himself  like  a  German  officer. 

He  was  always  begging  me  to  go  to  places  with  him, 
for  walks,  drives,  or  boat-trips,  etc.,  and  finally  I  did 
accept  an  invitation  to  walk  with  him  in  the  botanical 
gardens,  which  adjoined,  and  were  almost  part  of  our 
own  grounds. 

That  evening  was  a  lovely  one,  with  a  great  moon 
overhead,  and  the  sea  like  a  vast  glittering  sheet  of 


48  ME 

quicksilver.  The  Marine  Band  was  playing.  People 
were  dancing  in  the  ball-room  and  on  the  verandas 
and  out  in  a  large  pagoda  in  the  gardens.  Down  along 
the  sanded  paths  we  passed  numerous  couples  strolling, 
the  bare  shoulders  of  the  women  gleaming  like  ivory 
under  the  moonlight.  The  farther  we  strolled  from 
the  hotel,  the  darker  grew  the  paths.  Across  the  white 
backs  of  many  of  the  women  a  black  sleeve  was  passed. 
Insensibly  I  felt  that  in  the  darkness  my  companion 
was  trying  to  see  my  face,  and  note  the  effect  upon 
me  of  these  "  spooners."  But  he  was  not  the  first 
man  I  had  walked  with  in  the  Jamaica  moonlight. 
Verley  Marchmont  and  I  had  spent  a  few  brief  hours 
from  our  labors  in  the  gardens  of  the  hotel. 

Dr.  Manning  kept  pressing  nearer  to  me.  Officiously 
and  continuously,  he  would  take  my  arm,  and 
finally  he  put  his  about  my  waist.  I  tried  to  pull  it 
away,  but  he  held  me  firmly.  Then  I  said: 

'  There  are  lots  of  people  all  around  us,  you  know. 
If  you  don't  take  your  arm  down,  I  shall  scream  for 
help." 

He  took  his  arm  down. 

After  a  space,  during  which  we  walked  along  in 
silence,  I  not  exactly  angry,  but  irritated,  he  began  to 
reproach  me,  accusing  me  of  disliking  him.  He  said 
he  noticed  that  I  was  friendly  with  every  one  else, 
but  that  when  he  approached  me  my  face  always  stiff 
ened.  He  asked  if  I  disliked  him,  and  I  replied  that 
I  did  not,  but  that  other  men  did  not  look  at  or  speak 


ME  49 

to  me  as  he  did.  He  laughed  unbelievingly  at  that, 
and  exclaimed: 

"  Come,  now,  are  you  trying  to  make  me  believe 
that  the  young  men  who  come  to  see  you  do  not  make 
love  to  you?  " 

I  said  thoughtfully: 

"  Well,  only  one  or  two  come  to  see  me,  and  — 
no  —  none  of  them  has  yet.  I  suppose  it's  because 
I  'm  always  so  busy ;  and  then  I  'm  not  pretty  and  rich 
like  the  other  girls  here." 

"  You  are  pretty,"  he  declared,  "  and  far  more  in 
teresting  than  any  other  girl  in  the  hotel.  I  think  you 
exceedingly  captivating." 

For  that  compliment  I  was  truly  grateful,  and  I 
thanked  him  for  saying  it.  Then  he  said : 

"Let  me  kiss  you  just  once,  won't  you?"  Again 
he  put  his  arm  about  me,  and  this  time  I  had  to  strug 
gle  considerably  to  release  myself.  When  he  let  me 
go,  he  said  almost  testily: 

"  Don't  make  such  a  fuss.  I  'm  not  going  to  force 
you,"  and  then  after  a  moment,  "  By  the  way,  why  do 
you  object  to  being  kissed?  "  just  as  if  it  were  unusual 
for  a  girl  to  object  to  that. 

"  I  '11  tell  you  why,"  I  said  tremulously,  for  it  is 
impossible  for  a  young  girl  to  be  unmoved  when  a 
man  tries  to  kiss  her,  "  because  I  want  to  be  in  love 
with  the  first  man  who  kisses  me." 

"  And  you  cannot  care  for  me?  " 

I  shook  my  head. 


50  ME 

"Why?" 

"  Because  you  are  an  old  man,"  I  blurted  out 

He  stopped  in  the  path,  and  I  could  feel  him  bris 
tling  with  amazement  and  anger.  Somewhat  of  a 
fop  in  dress,  he  had  always  carried  himself  in  the  gay 
manner  of  a  man  much  younger  than  he  probably  was. 
His  voice  was  very  nasty : 

"What?" 

I  repeated  what  I  had  said : 

"  You  are  an  old  man." 

"What  on  earth  makes  you  think  that?"  he  de 
manded. 

"  Because  your  hair  is  gray,"  I  stammered,  "  and 
because  you  look  at  least  forty." 

At  that  he  broke  into  a  loud  chuckle. 

"  And  you  think  forty  old?  " 

I  nodded.  For  a  long  moment  he  was  silent,  and 
then  suddenly  he  took  my  arm,  and  we  moved  briskly 
down  the  path.  We  came  to  one  of  the  piers,  and  he 
assisted  me  up  the  little  stone  steps.  In  silence  we 
went  out  to  the  end  of  the  pier.  There  was  a  little 
rustic  inclosure  at  the  end,  covered  with  ivy  from 
some  sort  of  tree  that  seemed  to  grow  out  of  the 
water.  We  sat  down  for  a  while  and  looked  out 
across  the  sea.  Everything  was  very  dark  and  still. 
Presently  he  said : 

"  What  would  you  do  if  I  were  to  take  you  into  my 
arms  by  force  now  ?  " 

"  I  would  scream,"  I  said  childishly. 


ME  51 

"  That  would  n't  do  you  much  good,  for  I  could 
easily  overpower  you.  You  see,  there  is  not  a  soul 
anywhere  near  us  here." 

I  experienced  a  moment's  fear,  and  stood  up,  when 
he  said  in  a  kind  and  humorous  way : 

"  Sit  down,  child;  I  'm  not  going  to  touch  you.  I 
merely  said  that  to  see  what  you  would  do.  As  a  mat 
ter  of  fact,  I  want  to  be  your  friend,  your  very  par 
ticular  friend,  and  I  am  not  going  to  jeopardize  my 
chances  by  doing  something  that  would  make  you  hate 
me.  Do  sit  down." 

Then  as  I  obeyed,  he  asked  me  to  tell  him  all  about 
myself.  It  was  not  that  I  either  trusted  or  liked  him, 
but  I  was  very  lonely,  and  something  in  the  quiet 
beauty  of  our  surroundings  affected  me,  I  suppose. 
So  long  as  he  did  not  make  love  to  me,  I  found  him 
rather  attractive.  So  I  told  him  what  there  was  to 
tell  of  my  simple  history  up  to  this  time,  and  of  my 
ambitions. 

He  said  a  girl  like  me  deserved  a  better  fate  than  to 
be  shut  up  in  this  country ;  that  in  a  few  weeks  the  hot 
season  would  set  in,  and  then  I  would  probably  find 
life  unbearable,  and  surely  have  some  fever.  He  ad 
vised  me  very  earnestly,  therefore,  not  to  remain  here, 
but  suggested  that  I  go  to  America.  There,  he  said, 
I  would  soon  succeed,  and  probably  become  both  fa 
mous  and  rich.  His  description  of  America  quick 
ened  my  fancy,  and  I  told  him  I  should  love  to  go 
there,  but,  unfortunately,  even  if  I  could  get  away 


52  ME 

from  this  position,  and  managed  to  pay  my  fare  to 
America,  I  did  not  know  what  I  would  do  after  ar 
riving  there  virtually  penniless. 

When  I  said  that,  he  turned  and  took  both  my  hands 
impulsively  and  in  a  nice  fatherly  way  in  his,  and 
said: 

"  Why,  look  here,  little  girl,  what 's  the  matter  with 
your  coming  to  work  for  me  ?  I  have  a  huge  practice, 
and  will  need  a  secretary  upon  my  return.  Now,  what 
do  you  say  ?  " 

I  said: 

"  I  say,  '  Thank  you,'  and  I  '11  remember." 

At  the  hotel  he  bade  me  good  night  rather  perfunc 
torily  for  a  man  who  had  recently  tried  to  kiss  a  girl, 
but  I  lay  awake  some  time  thinking  about  what  he 
had  said  to  me. 

I  suppose  every  girl  tosses  over  in  her  mind  the 
thought  of  that  first  kiss  that  shall  come  to  her.  In 
imagination,  at  least,  I  had  already  been  kissed  many 
many  times,  but  the  ones  who  had  kissed  me  were  not 
men  or  boys.  They  were  strange  and  bewildering 
heroes,  princes,  kings,  knights,  and  great  nobles. 
Now,  here  was  a  real  man  who  had  wanted  to  kiss 
me.  I  experienced  no  aversion  to  him  at  the  thought ; 
only  a  cool  sort  of  wonder  and  a  flattering  sense  of 
pride. 


VI 

IT  was  a  cruel  coincidence  that  the  dreadful  thing 
that  befell  me  next  day  should  have  followed  at 
a  time  when  my  young  mind  was  thus  dreamily  en 
grossed. 

The  day  had  been  a  hard  one,  and  I  know  not  why, 
but  I  could  not  concentrate  my  mind  upon  the  pro 
ceedings.  I  felt  inexpressibly  stupid,  and  the  voices 
of  the  legislators  droned  meaninglessly  in  my  ears. 
As  I  could  not  follow  the  debates  intelligently,  I  de 
cided  that  I  would  stay  a  while  after  the  council  had 
adjourned,  borrow  one  of  the  reporters'  notes,  and 
patch  up  my  own  from  them. 

So,  with  a  glass  of  kola  at  my  elbow,  and  Verley 
Marchmont's  notes  before  me,  I  sat  at  work  in  the 
empty  chamber  after  every  one,  I  supposed,  had  gone, 
though  I  heard  the  attendants  and  janitors  of  the 
place  at  work  in  the  gallery  above.  Young  March- 
mont  waited  for  me  outside. 

A  quiet  had  settled  down  over  the  place,  and  for 
a  time  I  scribbled  away  upon  my  pad.  I  do  not  know 
how  long  I  had  worked  —  not  more  than  ten  or  fifteen 
minutes  —  when  I  felt  some  one  come  up  behind  me, 
and  a  voice  that  I  recognized  from  having  heard  it 
often  in  the  House  during  the  session  said : 

53 


54  ME 

"  May  I  speak  to  you  a  moment,  Miss  Ascough  ?  " 

I  looked  up,  surprised,  but  not  alarmed.  Mr.  Bur- 
bank  was  standing  by  my  chair.  There  was  something 
in  his  expression  that  made  me  move  my  chair  back  a 
little,  and  I  began  gathering  up  my  papers  rapidly. 
I  said  politely,  however : 

"  Certainly,  Mr.  Burbank.  What  can  The  Lan 
tern  do  for  you  ?  " 

I  sat  facing  the  table,  but  I  had  moved  around  so 
that  my  shoulder  was  turned  toward  him.  In  the  lit 
tle  silence  that  followed  I  felt  his  breath  against  my  ear 
as  he  leaned  on  the  table  and  propped  his  chin  upon 
his  hand,  so  that  his  face  came  fairly  close  to  mine. 
Before  he  spoke  I  had  shrunk  farther  back  in  my 
chair. 

He  said,  with  a  laugh  that  was  an  odd  mixture  of 
embarrassment  and  assurance: 

"  I  want  nothing  of  The  Lantern,  but  I  do  want 
something  of  you.  I  want  to  ask  you  to  —  er  — 
marry  me.  God !  how  I  love  you !  " 

If  some  one  had  struck  me  hard  and  suddenly  upon 
the  head,  I  could  not  have  experienced  a  greater  shock 
than  the  words  of  that  negro  gave  me.  All  through 
the  dreaming  days  of  my  young  girlhood  one  lovely 
moment  had  stood  out  like  a  golden  beam  in  my  im 
agination  —  my  first  proposal.  Perhaps  all  girls  do 
not  think  of  this;  but  /  did,  I  who  lived  upon  my 
fancies.  How  many  gods  and  heroes  had  I  not  cre 
ated  who  had  whispered  to  me  that  magical  question? 


ME  55 

And  now  out  of  that  shining,  beautiful  throng  of  im 
aginary  suitors,  what  was  this  that  had  come?  A 
great  black  man,  the  "  bogy  man "  of  my  childhood 
days! 

Had  I  been  older,  perhaps  I  might  have  managed 
that  situation  in  some  way.  I  might  even  have  spoken 
gently  to  him ;  he  believed  he  was  honoring  me.  But 
youth  revolts  like  some  whipped  thing  before  stings 
like  this,  and  I  —  I  was  so  hurt,  so  terribly  wounded, 
that  I  remember  I  gasped  out  a  single  sob  of  rage. 
Covering  my  face  with  my  hands,  I  stood  up.  Then 
something  happened  that  for  a  moment  robbed  me  of 
all  my  physical  and  mental  powers. 

Suddenly  I  felt  myself  seized  in  a  pair  of  powerful 
arms.  A  face  came  against  my  own,  and  lips  were 
pressed  hard  upon  mine. 

I  screamed  like  one  gone  mad.  I  fought  for  my 
freedom  from  his  arms  like  a  possessed  person.  Then 
blindly,  with  blood  and  fire  before  my  eyes  and  burn 
ing  in  my  heart,  I  fled  from  that  terrible  chamber.  I 
think  I  banged  both  my  head  and  hands  against  the 
door,  for  later  I  found  that  my  forehead  and  hands 
were  swollen  and  bruised.  Out  into  the  street  I  rushed. 

I  heard  Verley  Marchmont  call  to  me.  I  saw  him 
like  a  blur  rise  up  in  my  path,  but  behind  him  I  fancied 
was  that  other  —  that  great  animal  who  had  kissed  me. 

On  and  on  I  ran,  my  first  impulse  being  to  escape 
from  something  dreadful  that  was  pursuing  me.  I 
remember  I  had  both  my  hands  over  my  mouth.  I 


56  ME 

felt  that  it  was  unclean,  and  that  rivers  and  rivers 
could  not  wash  away  that  stain  that  was  on  me. 

I  think  it  was  Marchmont's  jerking  hold  upon  my 
arm  that  brought  me  to  a  sense  of  partial  awakening. 

"  Miss  Ascough,  what  is  the  matter?  What  is  the 
matter?  "  he  was  saying. 

I  looked  up  at  him,  and  I  started  to  speak,  to  tell 
him  what  had  happened  to  me,  and  then  suddenly  I 
knew  it  was  something  I  could  tell  no  one.  It  loomed 
up  in  my  child's  imagination  as  something  filthy. 

"  I  can't  tell  you,"  I  said. 

"  Did  something  frighten  you?     What  is  it,  dear?  " 

I  remember,  in  all  my  pain  and  excitement,  that  he 
called  me  "  dear,"  that  fair-haired  young  Englishman ; 
and  like  a  child  unexpectedly  comforted,  it  brought  the 
sobs  stranglingly  to  my  throat. 

"  Come  and  get  into  the  carriage,  then,"  he  said. 
"  You  are  ill.  Your  hands  and  face  are  burning. 
I  'm  afraid  you  have  fever.  You  'd  better  get  home  as 
quickly  as  possible." 

The  driver  of  our  carriage,  who  had  followed,  drew 
up  beside  us;  but  even  as  I  turned  to  step  into  the 
carriage,  suddenly  I  remembered  what  Miss  Foster  had 
said  that  first  day : 

'  This  carriage  is  owned  by  Mr.  Burbank.  He  sup 
plies  all  the  carriages  for  the  press." 

"  I  can't  ride  in  that! "  I  cried. 

"  You  Ve  got  to,"  said  Marchmont.  "  It 's  the  last 
one  left  except  Mr.  Burbank's  own." 


ME  57 

"  I  'm  going  to  walk  home,"  I  said. 

I  was  slowly  recovering  a  certain  degree  of  self- 
possession.  Nevertheless,  my  temples  were  throbbing ; 
my  head  ached  splittingly.  I  was  not  crying,  but  gasp 
ing  sobs  kept  seizing  me,  such  as  attack  children  after 
a  tempestuous  storm  of  tears. 

"  You  can't  possibly  walk  home,"  declared  March- 
mont.  "It  is  at  least  four  and  a  half  miles,  if  not 
more." 

"  I  am  going  to  walk  just  the  same,"  I  said.  "  I 
would  rather  die  than  ride  in  that  carriage." 

He  said  something  to  the  driver.  The  latter  started 
up  his  horses,  and  drove  slowly  down  the  road.  Then 
Marchmont  took  my  arm,  and  we  started. 

That  interminable  walk  in  the  fearful  Jamaica  heat 
and  sun  recurs  sometimes  to  me  still,  like  a  hectic 
breath  of  hateful  remembrance.  The  penetrating  sun 
beat  its  hot  breath  down  upon  our  backs.  The  sand 
beneath  our  feet  seemed  like  living  coals,  and  even 
when  we  got  into  the  cooler  paths  of  the  wooded 
country,  the  closeness  and  oppressive  heaviness  of  the 
atmosphere  stifled  and  crushed  me. 

At  intervals  the  driver  of  that  Burbank  carriage 
would  draw  up  beside  us  on  the  road,  and  Marchmont 
would  entreat  me  to  get  in ;  but  always  I  refused,  and  a 
strength  came  to  me  with  each  refusal. 

Once  he  said : 

"If  you  would  let  me,  I  could  carry  you." 

I  looked  up  at  his  anxious  young  face.     His  clothes 


58  ME 

were  thicker  than  mine,  and  he  had  a  number  of  books 
under  his  arm.  He  must  have  been  suffering  from  the 
heat  even  as  I  was,  but  he  was  ready  to  sacrifice  him 
self  for  what  he  must  have  thought  was  a  sick  whim 
on  my  part.  He  was  nothing  but  a  boy,  very  little 
older  than  I ;  but  he  was  of  that  plugging  English  type 
which  sticks  at  a  task  until  it  is  accomplished.  The 
thought  of  his  carrying  me  made  me  laugh  hysterically, 
and  he,  thinking  I  was  feeling  better,  again  urged  me 
to  get  into  the  carriage,  but  in  vain. 

We  met  many  country  people  on  the  road,  and  he 
bought  from  one  a  huge  native  umbrella.  This  he 
hoisted  over  my  head ;  I  think  it  did  relieve  us  some 
what.  But  the  whole  of  me,  even  to  my  fingers,  now 
seemed  to  be  tingling  and  aching.  There  was  a  buz 
zing  and  ringing  in  my  head.  I  was  thirsty.  We 
stopped  at  a  wayside  spring,  and  an  old  woman  lent 
me  her  tin  cup  for  a  drink.  Marchmont  gave  her  a 
coin,  and  she  said  in  a  high,  whining  voice : 

"  Give  me  another  tuppence,  Marster,  and  I  '11  tell 
missee  a  secret." 

He  gave  her  the  coin,  and  then  she  said : 

"  Missee  got  the  fever.  She  better  stand  off  'n  dat 
ground." 

"  For  God's  sake !  "  he  said  to  me,  "  let  me  put  you 
in  the  carriage !  " 

'  You  would  not  want  to,  if  you  knew,"  I  said,  and 
my  voice  sounded  in  my  own  ears  as  if  it  came  from 
some  distance. 


ME  59 

On  and  on  we  tramped.  Never  were  there  five  such 
miles  as  those. 

Many  a  time  since  I  have  walked  far  greater  dis 
tances.  I  have  covered  five  and  six  miles  of  links, 
carrying  my  own  golf-clubs.  I  've  climbed  up  and 
down  hills  and  valleys,  five,  ten,  and  more  miles,  and 
arrived  at  my  destination  merely  healthily  tired  and 
hungry. 

But  five  miles  under  a  West  Indian  sun,  in  a  land 
where  even  the  worms  and  insects  seemed  to  wither 
and  dry  in  the  sand ! 

It  was  about  four-forty  when  we  left  Government 
House;  it  was  seven  when  we  reached  the  hotel.  I 
was  staggering  as  we  at  last  passed  under  the  great 
arcade  of  the  Myrtle  Bank.  Though  my  eyes  were 
endowed  with  sight,  I  saw  nothing  but  a  blurred  con 
fusion  of  shadows  and  shapes. 

Mr.  Marchmont  and  another  man  —  I  think  the 
manager  of  the  hotel  —  took  me  to  my  room,  and  some 
one  —  I  suppose  the  maid  —  put  me  to  bed.  I 
dropped  into  a  heavy  sleep,  or,  rather,  stupor,  almost 
immediately. 

The  following  day  a  maid  told  me  that  every  one 
in  the  hotel  was  talking  about  me  and  the  sick  condi 
tion  in  which  I  had  returned  to  the  hotel,  walking! 
Every  one  believed  I  was  down  with  some  bad  fever 
and  had  lost  my  mind,  and  there  was  talk  of  quaran 
tining  me  somewhere  until  my  case  was  properly 
diagnosed.  I  sent  a  boy  for  Mr.  Campbell. 


60  ME 

He  came  over  at  once.  Grumbling  and  muttering 
something  under  his  breath,  he  stumped  into  my  room, 
and  when  he  saw  I  was  not  sick  in  bed,  as  report  had 
made  me,  he  seemed  to  become  angry  rather  than 
pleased.  He  cleared  his  throat,  ran  his  hand  through 
his  hair  till  it  stood  up  straight  on  his  head,  and  glared 
at  me  savagely. 

"What's  the  matter  with  you?"  he  demanded. 
"Why  did  you  not  report  at  the  office  last  evening? 
Are  you  sick  or  is  this  some  prank?  What 's  this  I  've 
been  hearing  about  you  and  that  young  cub  of  The 
Call?" 

"  I  don't  know  what  you  Ve  been  hearing,"  I  said, 
"  but  I  want  to  tell  you  that  I  'm  not  going  to  stay  here 
any  longer.  I  'm  going  home." 

"  What  do  you  mean  by  that  ?  "  he  shouted  at  me. 

"  You  asked  me  what  happened  to  me  ?  "  I  said  ex 
citedly.  "  I  '11  tell  you." 

And  I  did.  When  I  was  through,  and  sat  sob- 
bingly  picking  and  twisting  my  handkerchief  in  my 
hands,  he  said  explosively : 

"  Why  in  the  name  of  common  sense  did  you  remain 
behind  in  that  place?" 

"  I  told  you  I  wanted  to  go  over  my  notes.  I  had 
not  been  able  to  report  intelligently  the  proceedings,  as 
I  felt  ill." 

"  Don't  you  know  better  than  to  stay  alone  in  any 
building  where  there  are  likely  to  be  black  men  ?  " 

No,  I  did  not  know  better  than  that. 


ME  61 

And  now  began  a  heated  quarrel  and  duel  between 
us.  I  wanted  to  leave  Jamaica  at  once,  and  this  old 
Scotchman  desired  to  keep  me  there.  I  had  become  a 
valuable  asset  to  The  Lantern.  But  I  was  determined 
to  go.  After  Mr.  Campbell  left  I  sought  out  Dr.  Man 
ning.  He  had  offered  to  help  me  if  I  went  to  Amer 
ica.  To  America,  then,  I  would  go. 

Dr.  Manning  watched  my  face  narrowly  as  I  talked 
to  him.  I  told  him  of  the  experience  I  had  had,  and 
he  said: 

"  Now,  you  see,  I  warned  you  that  this  was  no  place 
for  a  girl  like  you." 

"  I  know  it  is  n't,"  I  said  eagerly,  "  and  so  I  'm  go 
ing  to  leave.  I  want  to  take  the  first  boat  that  sails 
from  Jamaica.  One  leaves  for  Boston  next  Friday, 
and  I  can  get  passage  on  that.  I  want  to  know 
whether  you  meant  what  you  said  the  other  night  about 
giving  me  a  position  after  I  get  there." 

"  I  certainly  did,"  he  replied.  "  I  live  in  Richmond, 
and  when  you  get  to  Boston,  telegraph  me,  and  I  will 
arrange  for  you  to  come  right  on.  I  myself  am  leav 
ing  to-night.  Have  you  enough  money  ?  " 

I  said  I  had,  though  I  had  only  my  fare  and  a  little 
over. 

"  Well,"  he  said,  "  if  you  need  more  when  you  reach 
Boston,  telegraph  me,  and  I  '11  see  that  you  get  it  at 
once." 

"  This  relieves  me  of  much  anxiety,"  I  said.  "  And 
I  'm  sure  I  don't  know  how  to  thank  you." 


62  ME 

He  stood  up,  took  my  hand,  and  said: 

"  Perhaps  you  won't  thank  me  when  you  see  what  a 
hard-worked  little  secretary  you  are  to  be." 

Then  he  smiled  again  in  a  very  fatherly  way,  patted 
my  hand,  and  wished  me  good-by. 

I  now  felt  extremely  happy  and  excited.  Assured 
of  a  position  in  America,  I  felt  stronger  and  more  re 
solved.  I  put  on  my  hat  and  went  over  to  The  Lantern 
office.  After  another  quarrel  with  Mr.  Campbell,  I 
emerged  triumphant.  He  released  me  from  my  con 
tract. 

That  evening  Verley  Marchmont  called  upon  me, 
and  of  course  I  had  to  tell  him  I  was  leaving  Jamaica, 
a  piece  of  information  that  greatly  disheartened  him. 
,We  were  on  one  of  the  large  verandas  of  the  hotel. 
The  great  Caribbean  Sea  was  below  us,  and  above,  in 
that  marvelous,  tropical  sky,  a  sublime  moon  looked 
down  upon  us. 

"  Nora,"  said  Verley,  "  I  think  I  know  what  hap 
pened  to  you  yesterday  in  Government  House,  and  if 
I  were  sure  that  I  was  right,  I  'd  go  straight  out  and 
half  kill  that  black  hound." 

I  said  nothing,  but  I  felt  the  tears  running  down  my 
face,  so  sweet  was  it  to  feel  that  this  fine  young  Eng 
lishman  cared.  He  came  over  and  knelt  down  beside 
my  chair,  like  a  boy,  and  he  took  one  of  my  hands  in 
his.  All  the  time  he  talked  to  me  he  never  let  go  my 
hand. 

"  Did  that  nigger  insult  you  ?  "  he  asked. 


ME  63 

I  said: 

"  He  asked  me  to  marry  him." 

Verley  snorted. 

"Anything  else?" 

A  lump  came  up  stranglingly  in  my  throat. 

"  He  —  kissed  —  me !  "  The  words  came  with 
difficulty. 

"Damn  him!"  cried  young  Verley  Marchmont, 
clenching  his  hands. 

There  was  a  long  silence  between  us  after  that. 
He  had  been  kneeling  all  this  time  by  my  chair,  and  at 
last  he  said : 

"  I  don't  blame  you  for  leaving  this  accursed  hole, 
and  I  wish  I  were  going  with  you.  I  wish  I  were  not 
so  desperately  poor.  Hang  it  all !  "  he  added,  with  a 
poor  little  laugh.  "  I  don't  get  much  more  than  you 
do." 

"  I  don't  care  anything  about  money,"  I  said.  "  I 
like  people  for  themselves." 

"  Do  you  like  me,  Nora  ?  "  He  had  never  called  me 
Nora  till  this  night. 

I  nodded,  and  he  kissed  my  hand. 

"  Well,  some  day  then  I  '11  go  to  America,  too,  and 
I  '11  find  you,  wherever  you  may  be." 

I  said  chokingly,  for  although  I  was  not  in  love  with 
this  boy,  still  I  liked  him  tremendously,  and  I  was 
sentimental : 

"  I  don't  believe  we  '11  ever  meet  again.  We  're  just 
'  Little  ships  passing  in  the  night.' ' 


64  ME 

Marchmont  was  the  only  person  to  see  me  off.  He 
called  for  me  at  the  hotel,  arranged  all  the  details  of 
the  moving  of  my  baggage,  and  then  got  a  hack  and 
took  me  to  the  boat.  He  had  a  large  basket  with  him, 
which  I  noticed  he  carried  very  carefully.  When  we 
went  to  my  state-room,  he  set  it  down  on  a  chair,  and 
said  with  his  bright,  boyish  laugh : 

"  Here  's  a  companion  for  you.  Every  time  you 
hear  him,  I  want  you  to  think  of  me." 

I  heard  him  almost  immediately;  a  high,  question 
ing  bark  came  out  that  package  of  mystery.  I  was 
delighted.  A  dear  little  dog — fox  terrier,  the  whit 
est,  prettiest  dog  I  had  ever  seen.  Never  before  in 
my  life  had  I  had  a  pet  of  any  kind ;  never  have  I  had 
once  since.  I  lifted  up  this  darling  soft  little  dog  — 
he  was  nothing  but  a  puppy  —  and  as  I  caressed  him, 
he  joyfully  licked  my  face  and  hands.  Marchmont  said 
he  was  a  fine  little  thoroughbred  of  a  certain  West  In 
dian  breed.  His  name,  he  said,  was  to  be  "  Verley," 
after  my  poor  big  "  dog  "  that  I  was  leaving  behind. 

"  Are  you  pleased  with  him?  "  he  asked. 

"  I  'm  crazy  about  him,"  I  replied. 

"  Don't  you  think  I  deserve  some  reward,  then  ?  " 
he  demanded  softly. 

I  said : 

"What  do  you  want?" 

'  This,"  he  said,  and,  stooping,  kissed  me. 

I  like  to  think  always  that  that  was  my  first  real  kiss. 


VII 

THE  trip  home  was  uneventful,  and,  on  account 
of  Verley,  spent  for  the  most  part  in  my  state 
room.  The  minute  I  left  the  room  he  would  start 
to  whine  and  bark  so  piercingly  and  piteously  that  of 
course  I  got  into  trouble,  and  was  obliged  either  to 
take  him  with  me  or  stay  with  him. 

I  used  to  eat  my  meals  with  Verley  cuddled  in  my 
lap,  thrusting  up  his  funny,  inquiring  little  nose,  and 
eating  the  morsels  I  surreptitiously  gave  him  from 
my  plate,  much  to  the  disgust  of  some  of  the  pas 
sengers  and  the  amusement  of  others. 

Once  they  tried  to  take  Verley  from  me, —  some  of 
the  ship's  people, —  but  I  went  to  the  captain,  a  friend 
of  Captain  Hollowell,  about  whom  I  talked,  and  I 
pleaded  so  fervently  and  made  such  promises  that  when 
I  reached  the  tearful  stage  he  relented,  and  let  me  keep 
my  little  dog. 

I  had  an  address  of  a  Boston  lodging-house,  given 
me  by  a  woman  guest  of  the  Myrtle  Bank.  A  cab 
took  me  to  this  place,  and  I  was  fortunate  in  securing  a 
little  hall  room  for  three  dollars  a  week.  There  was  a 
dining-room  in  the  basement  of  a  house  next  door 
where  for  three  dollars  and  fifty  cents  I  could  get  meal- 

65 


66  ME 

tickets  enough  for  a  week.  My  landlady  made  no  ob 
jection  to  Verley,  but  she  warned  me  that  if  the  other 
lodgers  objected,  or  if  Verley  made  any  noise,  I  'd 
have  to  get  rid  of  him.  She  gave  me  a  large  wooden 
box  with  straw  in  it.  This  was  to  be  his  bed.  I 
did  n't  dare  tell  her  that  Verley  slept  with  me.  He 
used  to  press  up  as  closely  to  my  back  as  it  was  pos 
sible  to  get,  and  with  his  fore  paws  and  his  nose  rest 
ing  against  my  neck,  he  slept  finely.  So  did  I.  I  kept 
him  as  clean  as  fresh  snow.  I  had  tar  soap,  and  I 
scrubbed  him  every  day  in  warm  water,  and  I  also 
combed  his  little  white  coat.  If  I  found  one  flea  on 
him,  I  killed  it. 

The  first  day  I  went  into  the  dining-room  next  door 
with  little  Verley  at  my  heels,  every  one  turned  round 
and  looked  at  him,  he  was  such  a  pretty,  tiny  little 
fellow,  and  so  friendly  and  clean.  The  men  whistled 
and  snapped  their  fingers  at  him.  He  ran  about  from 
table  to  table,  making  friends  with  every  one,  and  be 
ing  fed  by  every  one. 

I  was  given  a  seat  at  a  table  where  there  was  just 
one  other  girl.  Now  here  occurred  one  of  the  co 
incidences  in  my  life  that  seem  almost  stranger  than 
fiction.  The  girl  at  the  table  was  reading  a  newspaper 
when  I  sat  down,  and  I  did  not  like  to  look  at  her  at 
once;  but  presently  I  became  aware  that  she  had  low 
ered  her  paper,  and  then  I  glanced  up.  An  exclama 
tion  escaped  us  simultaneously,  and  we  jumped  to  our 
feet. 


ME  67 

"  Nora !  "  she  screamed. 

"Marion!"  I  cried. 

She  was  one  of  my  older  sisters ! 

As  soon  as  we  recognized  each  other,  we  burst  out 
hysterically  laughing  and  crying.  Excited  words  of 
explanation  came  tumbling  from  our  lips. 

"  What  are  you  doing  here  ?  " 

"What  are  you?" 

"  Why  are  n't  you  in  Jamaica  ?  " 

"^Why  are  n't  you  in  Quebec?  " 

I  soon  explained  to  Marion  how  I  came  to  be  in  Bos 
ton,  and  then,  crying  and  eating  at  the  same  time, 
she  told  me  of  her  adventures.  They  were  less  ex 
citing,  but  more  romantic,  than  mine.  She  had  left 
Quebec  on  account  of  an  unhappy  love-affair.  She 
had  quarreled  with  the  young  man  to  whom  she  was 
engaged,  and  "  to  teach  him  a  les.son,  and  because, 
anyway,  I  hate  him,"  she  had  run  away.  She  had  been 
in  Boston  only  one  day  longer  than  I.  She  said  she 
had  been  looking  for  work  for  two  days,  but  only  one 
kind  had  been  offered  her  thus  far.  I  asked  her  what 
that  was.  Her  eyes  filled  with  tears,  and  she  said  bit 
terly,  that  of  an  artist's  model. 

Marion  could  paint  well,  and  papa  had  taught  her 
considerably.  It  was  her  ambition,  of  course,  to  be 
an  artist.  In  Quebec  she  had  actually  had  pupils,  and 
made  a  fair  living  teaching  children  to  draw  and  paint 
on  china.  But  here  in  Boston  she  stood  little  chance 
of  getting  work  like  that.  Nevertheless,  she  had  gone 


68  ME 

the  rounds  of  the  studios,  hoping  to  find  something  to 
do  as  assistant  and  pupil.  Nearly  every  artist  she 
had  approached,  however,  had  offered  to  engage  her 
as  a  model. 

Marion  was  an  unusually  pretty  girl  of  about 
twenty-two,  with  an  almost  perfect  figure,  large, 
luminous  eyes,  which,  though  fringed  with  black  lashes, 
were  a  golden-yellow  in  color;  hair,  black,  long,  and 
glossy;  small  and  charmingly  shaped  hands  and  feet; 
and  a  perfectly  radiant  complexion.  In  fact,  she  had 
all  the  qualities  desirable  in  a  model.  I  did  not  wonder 
that  the  artists  of  Boston  wanted  to  paint  her.  I 
urged  her  to  do  the  work,  but  poor  Marion  felt  as  if 
her  best  dreams  were  about  to  be  shattered.  She,  who 
had  cherished  the  hope  of  being  an  artist,  shrank  from 
the  thought  of  being  merely  a  model.  However,  she 
had  scarcely  any  money.  She  said  she  would  not  mind 
posing  in  costume;  but  only  one  of  the  artists  had 
asked  her  to  do  that,  a  man  who  wanted  to  use  her  in 
"  Oriental  studies." 

In  her  peregrinations  among  the  studios  she  had 
come  across  other  girls  who  were  making  a  profession 
of  posing,  and  one  of  them  had  taken  her  to  a  large 
art  school,  so  that  she  could  see  exactly  what  the  work 
was.  This  girl,  Marion  said,  simply  stripped  herself 
"  stark  naked,"  and  then  went  on  before  a  large  room 
ful  of  men  and  women.  Marion  was  horrified  and 
ashamed,  but  her  friend,  a  French  girl,  had  laughed 
and  said: 


ME  69 

"  Que  voulez-vous?     It  ees  nutting." 

She  told  Marion  that  she  had  felt  just  as  she  did  at 
first;  that  all  models  experienced  shame  and  embar 
rassment  the  first  time.  The  plunge  was  a  hard  thing; 
and  to  brace  the  girl  up  for  the  ordeal,  the  model  was 
accustomed  to  take  a  drink  of  whisky  before  going  on. 
After  that  it  was  easy.  Marion  was  advised  to  do 
this. 

"Just  tek  wan  good  dreenk,"  said  the  French  girl; 
"  then  you  get  liddle  stupid.  After  zat  it  doan'  mat 
ter." 

Marion  remarked  hysterically  that  whisky  might  not 
make  her  stupid.  She  might  be  disposed  to  be  hilari 
ous,  and  in  that  event  what  would  the  scandalized  class 
do? 

However,  Marion  was  hopeful,  and  she  expected  to 
get  the  costume  work  with  the  artist  mentioned  before. 

As  for  me,  just  as  I  advised  Marion  to  take  this 
easy  work  that  was  offered  her,  so  she  most  strenuously 
advised  me  not  to  waste  my  time  looking  for  work  in 
Boston,  but  to  go  on  to  Richmond,  where  a  real  posi 
tion  awaited  me. 

It  is  curious  how  natural  it  is  for  poor  girls  to  slip 
along  the  path  of  least  resistance.  We  wanted  to  help 
each  other,  and  yet  each  advised  the  other  to  do  some 
thing  that  upon  more  mature  thought  might  have  been 
inadvisable;  for  both  courses  held  pitfalls  of  which 
neither  of  us  was  aware.  However,  we  seized  what 
was  nearest  to  our  hand. 


70  ME 

Marion  got  the  work  to  pose  in  Oriental  studies 
next  day,  and  I,  who  had  telegraphed  Dr.  Manning,  re 
ceived  by  telegraph  order  money  for  my  fare.  I  at 
once  set  out  for  Richmond,  and  I  did  not  see  my  sister 
again  for  nearly  five  years.  I  left  her  crying  at  the 
station. 


VIII 

THEY  would  not  let  me  keep  my  little  dog  with 
me  on  the  train,  although  I  had  smuggled  him 
into  my  Pullman  in  a  piece  of  hand  baggage;  but  in 
the  morning  he  betrayed  us.  Naughty,  excitable, 
lonely  little  Verley!  The  conductor's  heart,  unlike 
that  sea-captain's,  was  made  of  stone.  Verley  was 
banished  to  the  baggage-car.  However,  I  went  with 
him,  and  I  spent  all  of  that  day  with  my  dog  among 
the  baggage,  not  even  leaving  him  to  get  something  to 
eat;  for  I  had  brought  sandwiches. 

There  were  a  number  of  other  dogs  there  oesides 
Verley,  and  they  kept  up  an  incessant  barking.  One 
of  the  trainmen  got  me  a  box  to  sit  on,  and  I  took  my 
little  pet  on  my  lap.  The  trainmen  were  very  kind  to 
me.  They  told  me  they  'd  feed  Verley  well  and  see 
that  he  got  plenty  of  water;  but  I  would  not  leave  him. 
I  said  I  thought  it  was  shameful  of  that  conductor  to 
make  me  keep  my  little  dog  there.  The  men  assured 
me  it  was  one  of  the  rules  of  the  road,  and  that  they 
could  make  no  exception  in  my  case.  They  pointed 
out  several  other  dogs,  remarkable  and  savage-look 
ing  hounds,  which  belonged  to  a  multi-millionaire,  so 

71 


72  ME 

they  said,  and  I  could  see  for  myself  that  even  he  was 
obliged  to  have  them  travel  this  way. 

While  the  men  were  reassuring  me,  a  very  tall  man 
came  into  the  car  and  went  over  to  these  hounds. 
They  were  making  the  most  deafening  noises.  They 
were  tied,  of  course,  but  kept  leaping  out  on  their 
chains,  and  I  was  afraid  they  would  break  loose,  and 
perhaps  attack  and  rend  my  little  Verley. 

The  tall  man  gave  some  instructions  to  a  man  who 
seemed  to  be  in  charge  of  the  hounds,  and  after  patting 
the  dogs'  heads  and  scratching  their  ears,  he  started 
to  leave  the  car,  when  he  chanced  to  see  me,  and 
stopped  to  look  at  Verley. 

Before  I  even  saw  his  face  there  was  something 
about  his  personality  that  affected  me  strangely,  for 
though  I  had  been  talking  freely  with  the  men  in  the 
baggage-car,  I  suddenly  felt  unconscionably  shy.  He 
had  a  curious,  drawling  voice  that  I  have  since  learned 
to  know  as  Southern.  He  said: 

"  Is  that  your  little  dog?  " 

1  nodded,  and  looked  up  at  him. 

I  saw  a  man  of  between  thirty-five  and  forty.  (I 
have  since  learned  he  was  forty-one.)  His  face  was 
clean-shaven,  and  while  not  exactly  wrinkled,  was 
lined  on  the  forehead  and  about  the  mouth.  It  was 
lean  and  rather  haggard-looking.  His  lips  were  thin, 
and  his  steel-gray  eyes  were,  I  think,  the  weariest  and 
bitterest  eyes  I  have  ever  seen,  though  when  he  smiled 
I  felt  strangely  drawn  to  him,  even  that  first  time. 


ME  73 

He  was  dressed  in  a  light  gray  suit,  and  it  looked  well 
on  him,  as  his  hair  at  the  temples  was  of  the  same 
color.  As  my  glance  met  his  curious  smile,  I  remem 
ber  that,  embarrassed  and  blushing,  I  dropped  my  eyes 
to  his  hands,  and  found  that  they  impressed  me  almost 
as  much  as  his  face.  It  is  strange  how  one  may  be 
so  moved  by  another  at  the  first  meeting!  At  once 
I  had  a  feeling,  a  sort  of  subtle  premonition,  you  might 
call  it,  that  this  man  was  to  loom  large  in  my  life  for 
all  the  rest  of  my  days. 

Stooping  down,  he  patted  Verley  as  he  lay  on  my 
lap,  but  as  he  did  so,  he  kept  looking  at  me  with  a 
half-teasing,  half-searching  glance.  I  felt  flustered, 
embarrassed,  ashamed,  and  angry  with  myself  for  feel 
ing  so  much  confusion. 

"  What 's  your  dog's  name?  "  he  asked. 

He  was  opening  and  shutting  his  hand  over  Ver- 
ley's  mouth.  The  dog  was  licking  his  hand  as  if  he 
liked  him. 

"  Verley,"  I  replied. 

"  Verley !  That 's  a  pretty  name.  Who 's  he 
named  for?" 

"  The  young  Englishman  who  gave  him  to  me,"  I 
said. 

"I  see!" 

He  laughed  as  if  I  had  confided  something  to  him. 
I  said  ingenuously: 

"  He  's  a  real  thoroughbred,"  and  that  caused  him 
to  smile  again. 


74  ME 

He  had  turned  Verley  over  on  my  lap,  and  was 
dancing  his  fingers  over  the  dog's  gaping  mouth,  but 
he  still  kept  looking  at  me,  with,  I  thought,  a  half- 
interested,  half-amused  expression. 

"  He  's  a  fine  little  fellow,"  he  said.  "  Where  is 
he  going?  " 

"To  Richmond." 

"To  Richmond!" 

That  seemed  greatly  to  surprise  him,  and  he  asked 
why  I  was  going  to  that  city,  and  if  I  knew  any  one 
there.  I  said  that  I  knew  Dr.  Manning;  that  I  had 
met  him  in  the  West  Indies,  and  he  had  promised  me 
a  position  as  his  secretary. 

By  this  time  he  had  let  Verley  alone,  and  was  star 
ing  at  me  hard.  After  a  moment  he  said : 

"Do  you  know  Dr.  Manning  well?" 

"  No ;  but  he  has  been  kind  enough  to  offer  me  the 
position,"  I  replied.  He  seemed  to  turn  this  over  in 
his  mind,  and  then  he  said: 

"  Put  your  little  dog  back  in  his  box,  and  suppose 
you  come  along  and  have  dinner  with  me." 

I  did  not  even  think  of  refusing.  Heedless  of  the 
frantic  cries  of  my  poor  little  dog,  I  followed  this 
stranger  into  the  dining-car. 

I  don't  know  what  we  ate.  I  do  know  it  was  the 
first  time  I  had  ever  had  clams.  I  did  not  like  them 
at  all,  and  asked  him  what  they  were.  He  seemed 
highly  amused.  He  had  a  way  of  smiling  reluctantly. 
It  was  just  as  if  one  stirred  or  interested  him  against 


ME  75 

his  will,  and  a  moment  after  his  face  would  somehow 
resume  its  curiously  tired  expression.  Also  I  had 
something  to  drink, —  I  don't  know  what, —  and  it 
came  before  dinner  in  a  very  little  glass.  Needless 
to  say,  it  affected  me  almost  immediately,  though  I  only 
took  two  mouth  fuls,  and  then  made  such  a  face  that 
again  he  laughed,  and  told  me  I  'd  better  let  it  alone. 

It  may  have  been  because  I  was  lonely  and  eager 
for  some  one  I  could  talk  to,  but  I  think  it  was  simply 
that  I  fell  under  the  impelling  fascination  of  this  man 
from  the  first.  Anyhow,  I  found  myself  telling  him 
all  of  my  poor  little  history:  where  I  had  come  from; 
the  penniless  condition  in  which  I  had  arrived  in  Ja 
maica  ;  my  work  there ;  the  people  I  had  met ;  and  then, 
yes,  I  told  him  that  very  first  day  I  met  him,  of  that 
horrible  experience  I  had  had  in  the  Government 
House. 

While  I  talked  to  him,  he  kept  studying  me  in  a 
musing  sort  of  way,  and  his  face,  which  perhaps  might 
have  been  called  a  hard  or  cold  one,  softened  rather 
beautifully,  I  thought,  as  he  looked  at  me.  He  did 
not  say  a  word  as  I  talked,  but  when  I  came  to  my 
experience  with  Burbank,  he  leaned  across  the  table 
and  watched  me,  almost  excitedly.  When  I  was 
through,  he  said  softly: 

"  Down  South  we  lynch  a  nigger  for  less  than  that," 
and  one  of  his  long  hands,  lying  on  the  table,  clenched. 

Although  we  were  now  through  dinner,  and  I  had 
finished  my  story,  he  made  no  move  to  leave  the  table, 


76  ME 

but  sat  there  watching  me  and  smoking,  with  neither 
of  us  saying  anything.  Finally  I  thought  to  my 
self: 

"  I  suppose  he  is  thinking  of  me  as  Mr.  Campbell 
and  Sir  Henry  Drake  and  other  people  have  —  as 
something  queer  and  amusing,  and  perhaps  he  is  laugh 
ing  inside  at  me."  I  regretted  that  I  had  told  him 
about  myself  one  minute,  and  the  next  I  was  glad  that 
I  had.  Then  suddenly  I  had  an  eloquent  desire  to 
prove  to  him  that  really  there  was  a  great  deal  more 
to  me  than  he  supposed.  Down  in  my  heart  there 
was  the  deep-rooted  conviction,  which  nothing  in  the 
world  could  shake,  that  I  was  one  of  the  exceptional 
human  beings  of  the  world,  that  I  was  destined  to  do 
things  worth  while.  People  were  going  to  hear  of  me 
some  day.  I  was  not  one  of  the  commonplace  crea 
tures  of  the  earth,  and  I  intended  to  prove  that  vividly 
to  the  world.  But  at  that  particular  moment  my  one 
desire  was  to  prove  it  to  this  man,  this  stranger  with 
the  brooding,  weary  face.  So  at  last,  awkwardly  and 
timidly,  and  blushing  to  my  temples  and  ears,  and 
daring  scarcely  to  look  at  him,  I  said : 

"  If  you  like,  I  '11  read  you  one  of  my  poems." 

The  gravity  of  his  face  softened.  He  started  to 
smile,  and  then  he  said  very  gravely : 

"  So  you  write  poetry,  do  you  ?  " 

I  nodded. 

"  Go  ahead,"  he  said. 

I  dipped  into  my  pocket-book,  and  brought  forth  my 


ME  77 

last  effusion.  As  I  read,  he  brought  his  hand  to  his 
face,  shading  it  in  such  a  way  that  I  could  not  see  it, 
and  when  I  had  finished,  he  was  silent  for  so  long  that 
I  did  not  know  whether  I  had  made  an  impression 
upon  him  or  whether  he  was  amused,  as  most  people 
were  when  I  read  my  poems  to  them.  I  tremblingly 
folded  my  paper  and  replaced  it  in  my  bag;  then  I 
waited  for  him  to  speak.  After  a  while  he  took  his 
hand  down.  His  face  was  still  grave,  but  away  back 
in  his  eyes  there  was  the  kindliest  gleam  of  interest. 
I  felt  happy  and  warmed  by  that  look.  Then  he  said 
something  that  sent  my  heart  thudding  down  low 
again. 

"  Would  n't  you  like  to  go  to  school  ?  "  said  he. 

"  I  did  go  to  school,"  I  said. 

"  Well,  I  mean  to  —  er  —  school  to  prepare  you  for 
college." 

The  question  hurt  me.  It  was  a  visible  criticism  of 
my  precious  poem.  Had  that,  then,  revealed  my  pa 
thetic  condition  of  ignorance?  I  said  roughly,  for  I 
felt  like  crying: 

"  Of  course  college  is  out  of  the  question  for  me. 
I  have  to  earn  my  living;  but  I  expect  to  acquire  an 
education  gradually.  One  can  educate  herself  by 
reading  and  thinking.  My  father  often  said  that,  and 
he 's  a  college  man  —  an  Oxford  graduate." 

"  That 's  true,"  said  the  man  rather  hurriedly,  and 
as  if  he  regretted  what  he  had  just  said,  and  wished 
to  dismiss  the  subject  abruptly:  "  Now  I  'm  going  to 


78  ME 

take  you  back  to  your  seat.  We  '11  be  in  Richmond 
very  shortly  now." 

We  got  up,  but  he  stopped  a  minute,  and  took  a  card 
from  his  pocket.  He  wrote  something  on  it,  and  then 
gave  it  to  me. 

"  There,  little  girl,  is  my  name  and  address,"  he 
said.  "If  there  ever  comes  a  time  when  you  —  er  — 
need  help  of  any  kind,  will  you  promise  to  come  to 
me?" 

I  nodded,  and  then  he  gave  me  a  big,  warm  smile. 

When  I  was  quite  alone,  and  sure  no  one  was  watch 
ing  me,  I  took  out  his  card  and  examined  it.  "  Roger 
Avery  Hamilton  "  was  his  name.  Judge  of  my  sur 
prise,  when  I  found  the  address  he  had  written  under 
his  name  was  in  the  very  city  to  which  I  was  going  — 
Richmond ! 

I  arrived  about  eight-thirty  that  evening.  Dr.  Man 
ning  was  at  the  train  to  meet  me.  He  greeted  me 
rather  formally,  I  thought,  for  a  man  who  had  been 
so  pronounced  in  his  attentions  in  Jamaica. 

As  he  was  helping  me  into  his  carriage,  Mr.  Hamil 
ton  passed  us,  with  other  men. 

'  You  forgot  your  dog,"  he  said  to  me,  smiling,  and 
handed  me  a  basket,  in  which,  apparently,  he  had  put 
my  Verley.  I  had  indeed  forgotten  my  poor  little 
dog!  I  thanked  Mr.  Hamilton,  and  he  lifted  his  hat, 
and  bade  us  good  night. 

Dr.  Manning  turned  around  sharply  and  looked 
after  him.  They  had  exchanged  nods. 


ME  79 

"How  did  you  get  acquainted  with  that  chap?" 
he  asked  me.  I  was  now  in  the  carriage,  and  was  set 
tling  Verley  in  his  basket  at  my  feet. 

"  Why,  he  spoke  to  me  on  the  train,"  I  said. 

"  Spoke  to  you  on  the  train ! "  repeated  the  doctor, 
sharply.  "  Are  you  accustomed  to  make  acquaint 
ances  in  that  way  ?  " 

My  face  burned  with  mortification,  but  I  managed 
to  stammer: 

"  No,  I  never  spoke  to  any  one  before  without  an 
introduction." 

He  had  climbed  in  now  and  was  about  to  take  up 
the  reins  when  Verley,  at  our  feet,  let  out  a  long, 
wailing  cry. 

"  I  '11  have  to  throw  that  beast  out,  you  know,"  he 
said  unpleasantly. 

"  Oh,  no !  Please,  please  don't  throw  my  little  dog 
out !  "  I  begged  as  he  stooped  down.  "  It 's  a  beauti 
ful  little  dog,  a  real  thoroughbred.  It 's  worth  a  lot 
of  money." 

My  distress  apparently  moved  him,  for  he  sat  up 
and  patted  me  on  the  arm  and  said : 

"  It 's  all  right,  then.     It 's  all  right." 

The  doctor  again  began  to  question  me  about  Mr. 
Hamilton,  and  I  explained  how  he  became  interested 
in  my  dog ;  but  I  did  not  tell  him  about  my  dining  with 
him. 

"  You  ought  to  be  more  careful  to  whom  you  speak," 
he  said.  "  For  instance,  this  man  in  particular  hap- 


8o  ME 

pens  to  be  one  of  the  fastest  men  in  Richmond.  He 
has  a  notorious  reputation." 

I  felt  very  miserable  when  I  heard  that,  especially 
when  I  recalled  how  I  had  talked  intimately  about 
myself  to  this  man;  and  then  suddenly  I  found  my 
self  disbelieving  the  doctor.  I  felt  sure  that  he  had 
slandered  Mr.  Hamilton,  and  my  dislike  for  him 
deepened.  I  wished  that  I  had  not  come  to  Rich 
mond. 

Dr.  Manning's  house  was  large  and  imposing.  It 
stood  at  a  corner  on  a  very  fine  street.  A  black  girl 
opened  the  door. 

"  You  will  meet  Mrs.  Manning  in  the  morning," 
said  the  doctor  to  me,  and  then,  turning  to  the  girl : 
"  'Mandy,  this  is  Miss  Ascough.  She  is  coming  to 
live  with  us  here.  Take  her  up  to  her  room."  To 
me  he  said,  "  Good  night."  With  a  perfunctory  bow, 
he  was  turning  away,  when  he  seemed  to  recall  some 
thing,  and  said :  "  By  the  way,  'Mandy,  tell  Toby  to 
put  the  dog  he  '11  find  in  the  buggy  in  the  stable." 

I  started  to  plead  for  Verley,  but  the  doctor  had 
disappeared  into  his  office.  A  lump  rose  in  my  throat 
as  I  thought  of  my  little  dog,  and  again  I  wished  that 
I  had  not  come  to  this  place.  The  doctor  seemed  a 
different  man  to  the  one  I  had  known  in  the  West 
Indies,  and  although  I  had  resented  his  flattery  of  me 
there,  the  curt,  authoritative  tone  he  had  used  to  me 
here  hurt  me  as  much. 

Curiously  enough,  though  I  had  not  thought  about 


ME  81 

the  matter  previously,  nor  had  he  told  me,  I  was  not 
surprised  to  find  that  he  was  married. 

My  room  was  on  the  top  floor.  It  was  a  very  large 
and  pretty  chamber,  quite  the  best  room  I  had  ever 
had,  for  even  the  hotel  room,  which  had  seemed  to  me 
splendid,  was  bare  and  plain  in  comparison. 

'Mandy  was  a  round-faced,  smiling,  strong-looking 
girl  of  about  eighteen.  Her  hair  was  screwed  up  into 
funny  little  braids  that  stuck  up  for  all  the  world  like 
rat-tails  on  her  head.  She  had  shiny  black  eyes,  and 
big  white  teeth.  She  called  me  "  chile,"  and  said : 

"  I  hopes  you  sleep  well,  honey  chile." 

She  said  her  room  was  just  across  the  hall,  and  if 
I  wanted  anything  in  the  night,  I  was  to  call  her. 

My  own  room  was  very  large,  and  it  was  mostly  in 
shadow.  Now,  all  my  life  I  've  had  the  most  un 
reasonable  and  childish  fear  of  "  being  in  the  dark 
alone."  I  seldom  went  to  bed  without  looking  under 
it,  behind  bureaus,  doors,  etc.,  and  I  experienced  a 
slight  sense  of  fear  as  'Mandy  was  about  to  depart. 

"  Is  n't  there  any  one  on  this  floor  but  us  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  No ;  no  one  else  sleeps  up  here,  chile,"  said 
'Mandy ;  "  but  Dr.  Manning  he  hab  he  labriterry  there, 
and  some  time  he  work  all  night." 

The  laboratory  was  apparently  adjoining  my  room, 
and  there  was  a  door  leading  into  it.  I  went  over  and 
tried  it  after  'Mandy  went.  It  was  locked. 

I  took  my  hair  down,  brushed  and  plaited  it,  and 
then  I  undressed  and  said  my  prayers  (I  still  said 


82  ME 

them  in  those  days),  and  got  into  bed.  I  was  tired 
after  the  long  journey,  and  I  fell  asleep  at  once. 

I  am  a  light  sleeper,  and  the  slightest  stir  or  move 
ment  awakens  me.  That  night  I  awoke  suddenly,  and 
the  first  thing  I  saw  was  a  light  that  came  into  the 
room  from  the  partly  opened  door  of  the  doctor's 
laboratory,  and  standing  in  my  room,  by  the  doorway, 
was  a  man.  I  recognized  him,  though  he  was  only 
a  silhouette  against  the  light. 

The  shock  of  the  awakening,  and  the  horrible  re 
alization  that  he  was  already  crossing  the  room,  held 
me  for  a  moment  spellbound.  Then  my  powers  re 
turned  to  me,  and  just  as  I  had  fled  from  that  negro 
in  Jamaica,  so  now  I  ran  from  this  white  man. 

My  bed  was  close  to  the  door  that  opened  into  the 
hall.  That  was  pitch-dark,  but  I  ran  blindly  across  it, 
found  'Mandy's  door,  and  by  some  merciful  provi 
dence  my  hand  grasped  the  knob.  I  called  to  her : 

"'Mandy!" 

She  started  up  in  bed,  and  I  rushed  to  her. 

"  Wha'  's  matter,  chile  ?  "  she  cried. 

I  was  sobbing  with  fright  and  rage. 

"  I  'm  afraid,"  I  told  her. 

"What  you  'fraid  of?" 

"  Oh,  I  don't  know.  I  'm  afraid  to  sleep  alone,"  I 
said.  "  Please,  please,  let  me  stay  with  you." 

"  Ah  '11  come  and  sleep  on  the  couch  in  your  room," 
she  said. 

"  No,  no,  I  won't  go  back  to  that  room." 


ME  83 

"  It  ain't  ha'nted,  chile,"  declared  'Mandy. 
"  Oh,  I  know  it  is  n't,"  I  sobbed ;  "  but,  O  'Mandy, 
I'm  afraid!" 


IX 

NEXT  morning  'Mandy  went  back  with  me  to  my 
room.  There  was  no  one  in  it.  For  a  mo 
ment  the  thought  came  to  me  that  perhaps  I  had  suf 
fered  from  a  nightmare.  My  clothes,  everything,  I 
found  exactly  as  I  had  left  them.  I  went  over  to  the 
door  opening  from  my  room  into  the  laboratory,  and 
then  I  knew  that  I  had  not  erred:  the  door  was  un 
locked.  I  saw  'Mandy  watching  me,  and  I  think  she 
guessed  the  truth,  for  she  said: 

"  You  need  n't  be  'fraid  no  more,  chile.  I  goin'  to 
sleep  with  you  every  night  now." 

"  No,  'Mandy,"  I  said ;  "  I  can't  stay  here  now. 
I  've  got  to  get  away  somehow." 

"  Dat  's  all  right,  chile,"  she  said.  "  Jus'  you  tek 
you  HT  bag  and  slip  out  right  now.  No  one  's  stirring 
in  dis  house  yet.  You  won't  be  missed  till  after  you 
sure  am  gone." 

I  was  sitting  on  the  side  of  the  bed,  feverishly  turn 
ing  the  matter  over  in  my  mind. 

"  I  wish  I  could  do  that,"  I  said,  "  but  I  have  no 
place  to  go,  and  I  have  no  money." 

'Mandy  comforted  me  as  best  she  could,  and  told 
me  to  wait  till  after  breakfast,  when  I  'd  feel  better; 
then  I  could  talk  to  the  doctor  about  it,  and  perhaps 

84 


ME  85 

he'd  give  me  some  money;  and  if  he  wouldn't,  said 
the  colored  girl,  shrewdly,  "you  tell  him  you  goin' 
ask  his  wife." 

I  felt  I  could  not  do  that.  I  would  have  to  find 
some  other  solution.  One  thing  was  certain,  how 
ever,  I  could  no  more  stay  here  than  I  could  in  Ja 
maica.  There  are  times  in  my  life  when  I  have  been 
whipped  and  scorched,  and  nothing  has  healed  me  save 
to  get  away  quickly  from  the  place  where  I  have  suf 
fered.  I  felt  like  that  in  Jamaica.  I  felt  like  that 
now.  There  came  another  time  in  my  life  when  I 
uprooted  my  whole  being  from  a  place  I  loved,  and 
yet  where  it  would  have  killed  me  to  remain. 

The  doctor  met  me  in  the  lower  hall  as  I  came  down 
stairs.  His  manner  was  affable  and  formal,  and  he 
said  he  would  take  me  to  his  wife.  I  found  myself 
unable  to  look  him  in  the  face,  for  I  felt  his  glance 
would  be  hateful. 

Mrs.  Manning  was  in  bed,  propped  up  with  pillows. 
At  first  glance  she  seemed  an  old  woman.  Her  pale, 
parched  face  lay  like  a  shadow  among  her  pillows,  and 
her  fine,  silvery  hair  was  like  an  exquisite  aureole. 
She  had  dark,  restless,  seeking  eyes,  and  her  expres 
sion  was  peevish,  like  that  of  a  complaining  child.  As 
I  came  in,  she  raised  herself  to  her  elbow,  and  looked 
curiously  at  me  and  then  at  the  doctor,  who  said : 

'  This  is  Miss  Ascough,  dear.  She  is  to  be  my  new 
secretary." 

She  put  out  a  thin  little  hand,  which  I  took  impetu- 


86  ME 

ously  in  my  own,  and,  I  know  not  why,  I  suddenly 
wanted  to  cry  again.  There  was  something  in  her 
glance  that  hurt  me.  I  had  for  her  that  same  over 
whelming  pity  that  I  had  felt  for  Miss  Foster  in  Ja 
maica  —  a  pity  such  as  one  involuntarily  feels  toward 
one  who  is  doomed.  She  murmured  something,  and 
I  said,  "  Thank  you,"  though  I  did  not  understand 
what  she  had  said.  Then  the  doctor  shook  up  her  pil 
lows  and  settled  her  back  very  carefully  among  them, 
and  he  kissed  her,  and  she  clung  to  him.  I  realized 
that,  incredible  as  it  seemed,  here  where  I  had  expected 
it  least  there  was  love. 

After  breakfast,  which  I  had  with  the  doctor,  who 
read  the  morning  paper  throughout  the  meal,  waited 
on  by  'Mandy,  he  took  me  down  to  his  offices,  two 
large  adjoining  rooms  on  the  ground  floor,  in  one 
wing  of  the  house.  One  room  was  used  as  a  recep 
tion-room,  the  other  as  the  doctor's  own.  Showing 
me  through  the  offices,  he  had  indicated  the  desk  at 
which  I  was  to  sit  in  the  reception-room  before  I  sum 
moned  the  courage  to  tell  him  I  had  decided  to  go. 
When  I  faltered  this  out,  he  turned  clear  around,  and 
although  an  exclamation  of  astonishment  escaped  him, 
I  knew  that  he  was  acting.  I  felt  sure  that  he  had 
been  waiting  for  me  to  say  something  about  the  previ 
ous  night. 

'*  You  certainly  cannot  realize  what  you  are  saying, 
Miss  Ascough.  Why  should  you  leave  a  position  be 
fore  trying  it?" 


ME  87 

I  looked  steadily  in  his  face  now,  and  I  was  no 
longer  afraid  of  him.  I  was  only  an  ignorant  girl  of 
seventeen,  and  he  was  a  man  of  the  world  past  forty. 
I  was  friendless,  had  no  money,  and  was  in  a  strange 
country.  He  was  a  man  of  power,  and,  I  suppose, 
even  wealth.  This  was  the  city  where  he  was  re 
spected  and  known.  Nevertheless,  I  said  to  him: 

"  If  I  work  for  a  man,  I  expect  to  be  paid  for  my 
actual  labor.  That 's  a  contract  between  us.  After 
that,  I  have  my  personal  rights,  and  no  man  can  step 
over  these  without  my  consent." 

They  were  pretty  big  words  for  a  young  girl,  and 
I  am  proud  of  them  even  now.  I  can  see  myself  as 
I  faced  that  man  defiantly,  though  I  knew  I  had  barely 
enough  money  in  my  purse  upstairs  to  buy  a  few 
meals. 

"  I  do  not  understand  you,"  said  the  doctor,  pulling 
at  his  beard.  "  I  shall  be  obliged  if  you  will  make 
yourself  clearer." 

"  I  will,  then,"  I  said.  "  Last  night  you  came  into 
my  room." 

For  a  long  time  he  did  not  say  a  word,  but  appeared 
to  be  considering  the  matter. 

"  I  beg  your  pardon  for  that,"  he  said  at  last,  "  but 
I  think  my  explanation  will  satisfy  you.  I  did  not 
know  that  that  room  was  the  one  my  wife  had  as 
signed  to  you.  I  had  been  accustomed  to  occupy  it 
myself  when  engaged  at  night  upon  laboratory  work. 
I  was  as  mortified  as  you  when  I  discovered  my  un- 


88  ME 

fortunate  mistake  last  night,  and  I  very  much  regret 
the  distress  it  gave  you." 

No  explanation  could  have  been  clearer  than  that, 
but  looking  at  the  man,  I  felt  a  deep-rooted  conviction 
that  he  lied. 

"  Come  now,"  he  said  cheerfully,  "  suppose  we  dis 
miss  this  painful  subject.  Let  us  both  forget  it." 
He  held  out  his  hand,  with  one  of  his  "  fatherly  " 
smiles.  I  reluctantly  let  him  take  mine,  and  I  did  not 
know  what  to  do  or  say.  He  took  out  his  watch  and 
looked  at  it. 

"  I  have  a  number  of  calls  to  make  before  my  noon 
hour,"  he  said,  "  but  I  think  I  can  spare  an  hour  to 
explain  your  duties  to  you." 

They  were  simple  enough,  and  in  other  circum 
stances  I  should  have  liked  such  a  position.  I  was  to 
receive  the  patients,  send  out  bills,  and  answer  the 
correspondence,  which  was  light.  I  had  one  other 
duty,  and  that  he  asked  me  to  do  now.  There  was 
something  wrong  with  his  eyes,  and  it  was  a  strain 
upon  them  for  him  to  read.  So  part  of  my  work  was 
to  read  to  him  an  hour  in  the  morning  and  one  or  two 
in  the  evening. 

There  was  a  long  couch  in  the  inner  office,  and  after 
he  had  selected  a  book  and  brought  it  to  me,  he  lay 
down  on  the  couch,  with  a  green  shade  over  his  eyes, 
and  bade  me  proceed.  The  book  was  Rousseau's 
"  Confessions." 

In  ordinary  circumstances  the  book  would  have  held 


ME  89 

my  interest  at  once,  but  now  I  read  it  without  the 
slightest  sense  of  understanding,  and  the  powerful  sen 
tences  came  forth  from  my  lips,  but  passed  through 
heedless  ears.  I  had  read  only  two  chapters  when  he 
said  that  that  would  do  for  to-day.  He  asked  me  to 
bring  from  the  top  of  his  desk  a  glass  in  which  was 
some  fluid  and  an  eye-dropper.  He  requested  me  to 
put  two  drops  in  each  of  his  eyes. 

As  he  was  lying  on  his  back  on  the  couch,  I  had  to 
lean  over  him  to  do  this.  I  was  so  nervous  that  the 
glass  shook  in  my  hand.  Judge  of  my  horror  when, 
in  squeezing  the  little  rubber  bulb,  the  glass  part  fell 
off  and  dropped  down  upon  his  face. 

I  burst  out  crying,  and  before  I  knew  it,  he  was 
sitting  up  on  the  couch  and  comforting  me,  with  his 
arms  about  my  waist.  I  freed  myself  and  stood  up. 
He  said : 

"  There,  there,  you  are  a  bit  hysterical  this  morning. 
You  '11  feel  better  later." 

He  began  moving  about  the  office,  collecting  some 
things,  and  putting  them  into  a  little  black  bag.  Toby 
knocked,  and  called  that  the  buggy  was  ready.  As 
the  doctor  was  drawing  on  his  gloves  he  said : 

"  Now,  Miss  Ascough,  suppose  you  make  an  effort 
to  —  er  accustom  yourself  to  things  as  they  are  here. 
I  'm  really  not  such  a  bad  sort  as  you  imagine,  and  I 
will  try  to  make  you  very  comfortable  and  happy  if 
you  will  let  me." 

I  did  not  answer  him.     I  sat  there  twisting  my 


9cr  ME 

handkerchief  in  my  hands,  and  feeling  dully  that  I 
was  truly  the  most  miserable  girl  in  the  world.  As 
the  doctor  was  going  out,  he  said : 

"  Do  cheer  up !  Things  are  not  nearly  as  bad  as 
they  seem." 

Maybe  they  were  not,  but,  nevertheless,  the  stub 
born  obsession  persisted  in  my  mind  that  I  must  some 
how  get  away  from  that  place.  How  I  was  going  to 
do  that  without  money  or  friends,  I  did  not  know. 
And  if  I  did  leave  this  place,  where  could  I  go? 

I  thought  of  writing  home,  and  then,  even  in  my 
distress,  I  thought  of  papa,  absent-minded,  impractical 
dreamer.  Could  I  make  him  understand  the  situa 
tion  I  was  in  without  telling  him  my  actual  experi 
ence?  I  felt  a  reluctance  to  tell  my  father  or  mother 
that.  It 's  a  fact  that  a  young  girl  will  often  talk 
with  strangers  about  things  that  she  will  hesitate  to 
confide  to  her  own  parents.  My  parents  were  of  the 
sort  difficult  to  approach  in  such  a  matter.  You  see, 
I  was  one  of  many,  and  my  father  and  mother  were  in 
a  way  even  more  helpless  than  their  children.  It  was 
almost  pathetic  the  way  in  which  they  looked  to  us, 
as  we  grew  up,  to  take  care  of  ourselves  and  them. 
Besides,  it  would  take  two  days  for  a  letter  to  reach 
my  home,  and  another  two  days  for  the  reply  to  reach 
me,  and  where  could  my  poor  father  raise  the  money 
for  my  fare  ?  No,  I  would  not  add  to  their  distresses. 

I  went  up  to  my  room,  after  the  doctor  was  gone, 
and  I  aimlessly  counted  my  money.  I  had  less  than 


ME  91 

three  dollars.  I  was  putting  it  back  into  my  bag,  with 
the  papers,  trinkets,  cards,  and  the  other  queer  things 
that  congregate  in  a  girl's  pocketbook,  when  Mr.  Ham 
ilton's  card  turned  up  on  my  lap. 

I  began  to  think  of  him.  I  sat  there  on  the  side  of 
my  bed  in  a  sort  of  dreaming  trance,  recalling  to  my 
mind  that  charmed  little  journey  in  the  company  of 
this  man.  Every  word  he  had  said  to  me,  the  musing 
expression  of  his  face,  and  his  curious,  grudging  smile 
—  I  thought  of  all  this.  It  was  queer  how  in  the 
midst  of  my  trouble  I  could  occupy  my  mind  like  this 
with  thoughts  of  a  stranger.  I  remembered  that  Dr. 
Manning  had  said  he  was  a  notorious  man.  I  did 
not  believe  that.  I  thought  of  that  kindly  look  of  in 
terest  in  his  tired  face  when  he  had  asked  me  if  I 
wanted  to  go  to  school,  and  then  electrically  recurred 
to  me  his  last  words  on  the  train  when  he  had  given 
to  me  his  card, —  that  if  I  ever  needed  help,  would  I 
come  to  him? 

I  needed  help  now.  I  needed  it  more  than  any  girl 
ever  needed  it  before.  Of  that  I  felt  truly  convinced. 
This  doctor  was  a  villain.  There  was  something  bad 
and  covetous  about  his  very  glance.  I  had  felt  that 
in  Jamaica.  It  was  impossible  for  me  to  remain  alone 
with  him  in  his  house;  for  I  should  be  virtually  alone, 
since  his  wife  was  a  paralytic. 

Hurriedly  I  packed  my  things,  shoving  everything 
back  into  my  suitcase,  and  then  I  put  on  my  hat.  In 
the  doctor's  office  I  found  the  telephone-book.  I 


92  ME 

looked  up  the  name  of  Hamilton.  Yes,  it  was  there. 
It  seemed  to  me  a  miraculous  thing  that  he  really  was 
there  in  that  telephone-book  and  that  he  actually  was 
in  this  city. 

I  called  the  number,  and  somebody,  answering, 
asked  whom  I  wished  to  speak  to,  and  I  said  Mr. 
Roger  Avery  Hamilton. 

"Who  is  it  wants  him?"  I  was  asked. 

"  Just  a  friend,"  I  replied. 

"  You  will  have  to  give  your  name.  Mr.  Hamilton 
is  in  a  conference,  and  if  it  is  not  important,  he  cannot 
speak  to  you  just  now." 

"  It  is  important,"  I  said.  "  He  would  want  to 
speak  to  me,  I  know." 

There  was  a  long  pause,  and  central  asked  me  if  I 
was  through,  and  I  said  frantically: 

"No,  no;  don't  ring  off." 

Then  a  moment  later  I  heard  his  voice,  and  even 
over  the  telephone  it  thrilled  me  so  that  I  could  have 
wept  with  relief  and  joy. 

"Yes?" 

"  Mr.  Hamilton,  this  is  Miss  Ascough." 

"  Miss  Ascough?" 

;<  Yes ;  I  met  you  on  the  train  coming  from  Bos 
ton." 

"  Oh,  yes,  the  little  girl  with  the  dog,"  he  said. 

His  voice,  more  than  his  words,  warmed  me  with 
the  thought  that  he  had  not  forgotten  me,  and  was 
even  pleased  to  hear  from  me  again. 


ME  93 

"  You  said  if  I  ever  needed  help — " 

I  broke  off  there,  and  he  said  slowly: 

"I  —  see.     Where  are  you?  " 

I  told  him. 

"  Can  you  leave  there  right  away  ?  " 

I  said  I  could,  but  that  I  did  not  know  my  way 
about  the  city. 

He  asked  me  to  meet  him  in  half  an  hour  at  the  St. 

R Hotel,  and  directed  me  explicitly  what  car  to 

take  to  get  there,  telling  me  to  write  it  down.  I  was 
to  have  'Mandy  put  me  on  this  car,  and  I  must  be  sure 
to  tell  the  conductor  to  let  me  off  at  this  hotel.  The 
car  stopped  in  front  of  it. 

I  wrote  a  note  to  Dr.  Manning  before  going.  I 
said  I  was  sorry  to  leave  in  this  way,  but  despite  what 
he  had  said,  I  could  not  trust  him.  I  added  that  I 
was  so  unhappy  I  had  decided  the  best  thing  for  me 
to  do  was  to  go  at  once.  I  left  the  note  with  'Mandy, 
whom  I  kissed  good-by,  something  I  had  never 
dreamed  I  could  do,  kiss  a  black  girl!  All  the  way 
on  the  car  I  was  desperately  afraid  the  conductor 
would  not  let  me  off  at  the  right  place,  and  I  asked 
him  so  often  that  finally,  in  exasperation,  he  refused 
to  answer  me.  When  we  at  last  reached  there,  he 
wrathfully  shouted  the  name  of  the  hotel  into  the  car, 
though  he  did  not  need  to  cry,  "  Step  lively !  " 


X 

MR.  HAMILTON  was  waiting  for  me  outside 
the  hotel.  He  gave  my  bag  to  a  boy,  who  pro 
duced  it  later,  and  then'  took  me  to  a  corner  of  the 
drawing-room.  Almost  at  once  he  said : 

"  I  expected  to  hear  from  you,  but  not  so  soon." 

"  You  were  expecting?  "  I  said.     "  Why?  " 

"  Well,"  he  said  rather  reluctantly,  "  I  had  a  hunch 
you  would  not  stay  there  long.  Just  what  happened  ?  " 

I  told  him. 

He  kept  tapping  with  his  fingers  on  the  table  beside 
him  and  looking  at  me  curiously.  When  I  was 
through,  he  said : 

"Well,  we're  a  pretty  bad  lot,  aren't  we?" 

I  said  earnestly : 

"  You  're  not ! "  which  remark  made  him  laugh  in 
a  rather  mirthless  sort  of  way,  and  he  said : 

"  You  don't  know  me,  my  child."  Then,  as  if  to 
change  the  subject :  "  But  now,  what  do  you  want  to 
do  ?  Where  do  you  want  to  go  ?  " 

"  I  'd  like  to  go  to  some  big  city  in  America,"  I 
said.  "  I  think,  if  I  got  a  chance,  I  'd  succeed  as  a 
poet  or  author." 

"  Oh,  that 's  your  idea,  is  it?  "  he  asked  half  good- 
humoredly,  half  rather  cynically.  I  nodded. 

94 


ME  95 

"  Well,  what  big  city  have  you  decided  upon  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know.  You  see,  I  know  very  little  about 
the  States." 

"  How  about  New  York  or  Chicago  ?  " 

"  Which  is  the  nearest  to  you  ?  "  I  asked,  timidly. 

He  laughed  outright  at  that. 

"  Oh,  so  you  expect  to  see  me,  do  you?  " 

"  I  want  to,"  I  said.  "  You  will  come  to  see  me, 
won't  you  ? " 

"  We  '11  see  about  it,"  he  said  slowly.  "  Then  it 's 
Chicago?  I  have  interests  there."  I  nodded. 

"  And  now,"  he  went  on,  "  how  much  money  do 
you  need  ?  " 

That  question  hurt  me  more  than  I  suppose  he 
would  have  believed.  Certainly  I  would  need  money 
to  go  to  Chicago,  but  I  hated  to  think  of  taking  any 
from  him.  I  felt  like  a  beggar.  Young,  poor,  ig 
norant  as  I  was,  even  then  I  had  an  acute  feeling  of 
reluctance  to  permit  any  sordid  considerations  to  come 
between  this  man  and  me.  I  was  so  long  in  answering 
him  that  he  said  lightly: 

"Well,  how  many  thousands  or  millions  of  shekels 
do  you  suppose  it  will  take  to  support  a  little  poetess  in 
Chicago  ?  " 

I  said: 

"  You  don't  have  to  support  poetesses  if  they  are 
the  right  sort.  All  I  want  is  enough  money  to  carry 
me  to  Chicago.  I  '11  get  work  of  some  kind  then." 

"Well,   let's   see,"   he   said.     "I'll   get  you  your 


96  ME 

ticket,  and  then  you  'd  better  have,  say,  a  hundred  dol 
lars  to  start  with." 

"  No!  no!  "  I  cried  out.  "  I  couldn't  use  a  whole 
hundred  dollars." 

"What?" 

"  I  never  had  that  much  money  in  my  life,"  I  said. 
"  I  should  n't  know  what  to  do  with  it." 

He  laughed  shortly. 

"  You  '11  know  all  right,"  he  said,  "  soon  after  you 
get  to  Chicago."  Then  he  added  almost  bitterly, 
"  You  '11  be  writing  to  me  for  more  within  a  week." 

"Oh,  Mr.  Hamilton,  I  won't  do  that!  I'll  never 
take  any  more  from  you  —  honestly  I  won't." 

"  Nonsense ! "  he  returned  lightly.  "  And  now 
come  along.  You  have  time  for  a  bite  of  luncheon 
before  your  train  leaves." 

He  ordered  very  carefully  a  meal  for  us,  and  took 
some  time  to  decide  whether  I  should  have  something 
to  drink  or  not.  He  kept  tapping  the  pencil  on  the 
waiter's  pad  and  looking  at  me  speculatively,  and  at 
last  he  said : 

"  No,  I  guess  not  this  time." 

So  I  got  nothing  to  drink. 

It  was  a  fine  luncheon,  and  for  the  first  time  I  had 
soft-shell  crabs;  also  for  the  first  time  I  tasted,  and 
liked,  olives.  Mr.  Hamilton  seemed  to  take  a  grim 
sort  of  pleasure  in  watching  me  eat.  I  don't  know 
why,  I  'm  sure,  unless  it  was  because  I  frankly  did  not 
know  what  most  of  the  dishes  were,  and  I  was  help- 


ME  97 

lessly  ignorant  as  to  which  was  the  right  fork  or  knife 
to  use  for  this  or  that  dish.  I  think  I  ate  my  salad 
with  my  oyster-fork,  and  I  am  sure  I  used  my  meat- 
knife  for  my  butter.  All  these  intricate  things  have 
always  bothered  me,  and  they  do  still. 

I  suppose  my  eyes  were  still  considerably  swollen 
from  the  crying  I  had  done,  and,  besides,  I  had  slept 
very  little  after  that  awakening.  Mr.  Hamilton  made 
me  tell  him  all  over  again,  and  in  minute  detail,  just 
what  happened,  and  when  I  told  him  how  I  cried  the 
rest  of  the  night  in  'Mandy's  arms,  he  said : 

"  Yes,  I  can  see  you  did,"  which  made  me  say 
quickly,  I  was  so  anxious  to  look  my  best  before  him : 

"  I  look  a  fright,  I  know." 

Whereupon  he  slowly  looked  at  me  and  said,  with 
a  suggestion  of  a  smile: 

"  You  look  pretty  good  to  me,"  and  that  compen 
sated  for  everything. 

He  gave  me  the  hundred  dollars  while  we  were  in 
the  dining-room,  and  advised  me,  with  a  slight  smile, 
to  hide  it  in  "  the  usual  place." 

I  asked  innocently  where  that  was. 

"  No  one  told  you  that  yet  ?  "  he  asked  teasingly, 
and  when  I  shook  my  head,  he  laughed  and  said : 

"  What  a  baby  you  are !  Why,  put  it  in  your  stock 
ing,  child." 

I  turned  fiery  red,  not  so  much  from  modesty,  but 
from  mortification  at  my  ignorance  and  his  being 
forced  to  tell  me.  What  is  more,  I  had  kept  money 


98  ME 

there  before,  and  I  remember  the  girl  on  the  boat  going 
to  Jamaica  had,  too;  but  I  did  not  suppose  men  knew 
girls  did  such  things. 

On  the  way  to  the  station,  as  he  sat  beside  me  in  the 
carriage,  I  tried  to  thank  him,  and  told  him  how  much 
I  appreciated  what  he  was  doing  for  me.  I  said  that 
I  supposed  he  had  done  good  things  like  this  for  lots 
of  other  unfortunate  girls  like  me  (oh,  I  hoped  that 
he  had  not!),  and  that  I  never  could  forget  it. 

He  said  lightly: 

"  Oh,  yes,  you  will.     They  all  do,  you  know." 

From  this  I  inferred  that  there  were  "  other  girls," 
and  that  depressed  me  so  that  I  was  tongue-tied  for 
the  rest  of  the  journey. 

We  found,  despite  the  hotel's  telephoning,  that  it 
was  impossible  for  me  to  get  a  lower  berth.  I  am 
sure  I  did  n't  care  whether  I  had  a  lower  or  upper. 
So,  as  he  said  he  wanted  me  to  have  a  comfortable 
journey,  he  had  taken  a  little  drawing-room  for  me. 
I  did  'nt  know  what  that  meant  till  I  got  on  the  train. 
Then  I  saw  I  was  to  have  a  little  car  all  to  myself. 
The  grandeur  of  this  rather  oppressed  me;  I  do  not 
know  why.  Nevertheless,  it  was  an  added  proof  of 
his  kindness,  and  I  stammered  my  thanks.  He  had 
come  on  the  train  with  me,  and  was  sitting  in  the 
seat  opposite  me,  just  as  if  he,  too,  were  going. 
The  nearer  it  approached  the  time  for  the  train  to 
leave,  the  sadder  I  felt.  Perhaps,  I  thought,  I  should 
never  see  him  again.  Perhaps  he  looked  upon  me 


ME  99 

simply   as   a   poor   little   beggar   whom   he   had   be 
friended. 

It  may  be  that  some  of  my  reflections  were  mirrored 
on  my  face,  for  he  suddenly  asked  me  what  I  was 
thinking  about,  and  I  told  him. 

"  Nonsense !  "  he  said.  He  had  a  way  of  dismissing 
things  with  "  Nonsense !  " 

He  got  up  and  walked  up  and  down  the  little  aisle 
a  moment,  pulling  at  his  lower  lip  in  a  way  he  had, 
and  watching  me  all  the  time.  I  was  huddled  up  on 
the  seat,  not  exactly  crying,  but  almost.  Presently 
he  said: 

"  Just  as  if  it  mattered  whether  you  ever  saw  me 
again  or  not.  After  you  've  been  in  Chicago  a  while, 
you  '11  only  think  of  me,  perhaps,  as  a  convenient  old 
chap  —  a  sort  of  bank  to  whom  you  can  always  apply 
for — "  he  paused  before  saying  the  word,  and  then 
brought  it  out  hard  — "  money." 

"  Please  don't  think  that  of  me !  "  I  cried. 

"  I  don't  think  it  of  you  in  particular,  but  of  every 
one,"  he  said.  "  Women  are  all  alike.  For  that  mat 
ter,  men,  too.  Money  is  their  god  —  money,  dirty 
money !  That 's  what  men,  and  women,  exist  for. 
They  marry  for  money.  They  live  for  it.  Good 
God!  they  die  for  it!  You  can  have  a  man's  wife  or 
anything  else,  but  touch  his  money,  his  dirty  money — 
He  threw  out  his  hands  expressively.  He  had  been 
talking  disjointedly,  and  as  if  the  subject  was  one  that 
fascinated  him,  and  yet  that  he  hated.  "  You  see," 


ioo  ME 

he  said,  "  I  know  what  I  am  talking  about,  because 
that 's  about  all  any  one  has  ever  wanted  of  me  —  my 
money." 

I  made  a  little  sound  of  protest.  I  was  not  crying, 
badly  as  I  felt,  but  my  face  was  burning,  and  I  felt 
inexpressibly  about  that  money  of  his  that  I,  too,  had 
taken.  He  went  on  in  the  jerking,  bitter  way  he  had 
been  speaking: 

"  Just  now  you  think  that  such  things  do  not  count. 
That 's  because  you  are  so  young.  You  '11  change 
quickly  enough;  I  predict  that.  I  can  read  your  fate 
in  your  young  face.  You  love  pretty  things,  and  were 
made  to  have  them.  Why  not?  Some  one  is  going 
to  give  them  to  you,  just  as  Dr.  Manning  —  and,  for 
that  matter,  I  myself  —  would  have  given  them  to  you 
here  in  Richmond.  I  don't  doubt  in  Chicago  there  will 
be  many  men  who  will  jump  at  the  chance." 

He  made  a  queer,  shrugging  gesture  with  his  shoul 
ders,  and  then  swung  around,  looked  at  me  hard,  and 
as  if  almost  he  measured  me.  Then  his  face  slightly 
softened,  and  he  said: 

"  Don't  look  so  cut  up.  I  'm  only  judging  you  by 
the  rest  of  your  sex." 

I  said: 

"  I  'm  going  to  prove  to  you  that  I  'm  different. 
You  will  see." 

He  sat  down  opposite  me  again,  and  took  one  of  my 
hands  in  his. 

"  How  will  you  prove  it,  child  ?  "  he  said. 


ME  101 

"  I  '11  never  take  another  cent  from  you,"  I  said, 
"  and  I  '11  give  you  back  every  dollar  of  this  hundred 
you  have  lent  me  now." 

"  Nonsense !  "  he  said,  and  flushed,  as  if  he  regretted 
what  he  had  been  saying. 

"  Anyway,"  I  went  on,  "  you  're  mistaken  about  me. 
I  don't  care  so  much  about  those  things  —  pretty 
clothes  and  things  like  that.  I  like  lots  of  other  things 
better.  You,  for  instance.  I  —  I  —  like  you  better 
than  all  the  money  in  the  world." 

"Nonsense!"  he  said  again. 

He  still  had  my  hand  in  his,  and  he  had  turned  it 
over,  and  was  looking  at  it.  Presently  he  said : 

"  It 's  a  sweet,  pretty  little  hand,  but  it  badly  needs 
to  be  manicured." 

"  What 's  that  ?  "  I  asked,  and  he  laughed  and  set 
my  hands  back  in  my  lap. 

"  Now  I  must  be  off.  Send  me  your  address  as 
soon  as  you  have  one.  Think  of  me  a  little,  if  you 
can." 

Think  of  him!  I  knew  that  I  was  destined  to  think 
of  nothing  else.  I  told  him  so  in  a  whisper,  so  that 
he  had  to  bend  down  to  hear  me,  but  he  merely  laughed 
—  that  short  unbelieving,  reluctant  laugh,  and  said 
again  twice: 

"  Good-by,  good-by." 

I  followed  him  as  far  as  the  door,  and  when  he 
turned  his  back  toward  me,  and  I  thought  he  could  not 
see  me,  I  kissed  his  sleeve;  but  he  did  see  me, —  in 


IO2  ME 

the  long  mirror  on  the  door,  I  suppose, —  and  he  jerked 
his  arm  roughly  back  and  said  brusquely : 

"  You  must  n't  do  things  like  that !  " 

Then  he  went  out,  and  the  door  shut  hard  between 
us. 

I  said  to  myself: 

"  I  will  die  of  starvation,  I  will  sleep  homeless  in 
the  streets,  I  will  walk  a  thousand  miles,  if  need  be, 
in  search  of  work,  rather  than  take  money  from  him 
again.  Some  one  has  hurt  him  through  his  money, 
and  he  believes  we  are  all  alike ;  but  I  will  prove  to  him 
that  I  indeed  am  different." 

A  sense  of  appalling  loneliness  swept  over  me.  If 
only  a  single  person  might  have  been  there  with  me  in 
my  little  car!  If  I  had  but  the  smallest  companion! 
All  of  a  sudden  I  remembered  my  little  dog.  My  im 
mediate  impulse  was  to  get  directly  off  the  train,  and 
I  rushed  over  to  the  door,  and  out  upon  the  platform. 
He  was  down  below,  looking  up  at  the  window  of  my 
compartment;  but  he  saw  me  as  I  came  out  on  the 
platform  and  started  to  descend.  At  the  same  moment 
the  train  gave  that  first  sort  of  shake  which  precedes 
the  starting,  and  I  was  thrown  back  against  the  door. 
He  called  to  me : 

'  Take  care !     Go  back  inside !  " 

The  train  was  now  moving,  and  I  was  holding  to  the 
iron  bar. 

"  Oh,  Mr.  Hamilton,"  I  cried,  "  I  've  forgotten  Ver- 
ley !  I  've  forgotten  my  little  dog !  " 


ME  103 

He  kept  walking  by  the  train,  and  now,  as  its  speed 
increased,  he  was  forced  to  run.  He  put  his  hand  to 
his  mouth  and  called  to  me : 

"  I  '11  bring  him  to  you,  little  girl.  Don't  you 
worry !  " 

Worry ! 

I  went  back  to  my  seat,  and  all  that  afternoon  I  did 
not  move.  The  shining  country  slipped  by  me,  but  I 
saw  it  not.  I  was  like  one  plunged  in  a  deep,  golden 
dream.  There  was  a  pain  in  my  heart,  but  it  was 
an  ecstatic  one,  and  even  as  I  cried  softly,  soundlessly, 
something  within  me  sang  a  song  that  seemed  im 
mortal. 


XI 

I  SAW  Chicago  first  through  a  late  May  rain  —  a 
mad,  blowing,  windy  rain.  The  skies  were  over 
cast  and  gray.  There  was  a  pall  like  smoke  over 
everything,  and  through  the  downpour,  looking  not 
fresh  and  clean  from  the  descending  streams,  but  dingy 
and  sullen,  as  if  unwillingly  cleansed,  the  gigantic 
buildings  shot  up  forbiddingly  into  the  sky. 

Such  masses  of  humanity!  I  was  one  of  a  sweep 
ing  torrent  of  many,  many  atoms.  People  hurried  this 
way  and  that  way  and  every  way.  I  rubbed  my  eyes, 
for  the  colossal  city  and  this  rushing,  crushing  mob, 
that  pushed  and  elbowed,  bewildered  and  amazed  me. 

I  did  not  know  what  to  do  when  I  stepped  off  the 
train  and  into  the  great  station.  For  a  time  I  wan 
dered  aimlessly  about  the  room,  jostled  and  pushed  by 
a  tremendous  crowd  of  people,  who  seemed  to  be  pour 
ing  in  from  arriving  trains.  It  must  have  been  about 
eight  in  the  morning. 

All  the  seats  in  the  waiting-room  were  taken,  and 
after  a  while  I  sat  down  on  my  suitcase,  and  tried  to 
plan  out  just  what  I  should  do. 

I  had  a  hundred  dollars,  a  fabulous  sum,  it  seemed 
to  me.  With  it  I  presumed  I  could  live  wherever  I 

104 


ME  105 

chose,  and  in  comparative  luxury.  But  that  hundred 
dollars  was  not  mine,  and  I  had  a  passionate  determina 
tion  to  spend  no  more  of  it  than  I  should  actually 
need.  I  wanted  to  return  it  intact  to  the  man  who 
had  given  it  to  me. 

As  I  had  lain  in  my  berth  on  the  train  I  had  vowed 
that  he  should  not  hear  from  me  till  I  wrote  to  return 
his  money.  "  Dirty  money,"  he  had  called  it,  but  to 
me  anything  that  was  his  was  beautiful.  I  planned 
the  sort  of  letter  I  should  write  when  I  inclosed  this 
money.  By  that  time  I  should  have  secured  a  remark 
able  position.  My  stories  and  my  poems  would  be 
bought  by  discerning  editors,  and  I  —  ah  me !  the  ex 
travagant  dreams  of  the  youthful  writer!  What  is 
there  he  is  not  going  to  accomplish  in  the  world? 
What  heights  he  will  scale !  But,  then,  what  comfort, 
what  sublime  compensation  for  all  the  miserable  reali 
ties  of  life,  there  is  in  being  capable  of  such  dreams! 
That  alone  is  a  divine  gift  of  the  gods,  it  seems  to  me. 

But  now  I  was  no  longer  dreaming  impossible 
dreams  in  my  berth.  I  was  sitting  in  that  crowded 
Chicago  railway  station,  and  I  was  confronted  with 
the  problem  of  what  to  do  and  where  to  go. 

It  would  of  course  be  necessary  for  me  to  get  a 
room  the  first  thing;  but  I  did  not  know  just  where 
I  should  look  for  that.  I  thought  of  going  out  into 
the  street  and  looking  for  "  furnished-room "  signs, 
and  then  I  thought  of  asking  a  policeman.  I  was  de 
bating  the  matter  rather  stupidly,  I  'm  afraid,  for  the 


io6  ME 

crowds  distracted  me,  when  a  woman  came  up  and 
spoke  to  me. 

She  had  a  plain,  kind  face  and  wore  glasses.  A 
large  red  badge,  with  gilt  letters  on  it,  was  pinned  on 
her  breast. 

"  Are  you  waiting  for  some  one?  "  she  asked. 

"  No,"  I  answered. 

"  A  stranger?  "  was  her  next  question. 

"  Yes." 

"  Just  come  to  Chicago  ?  " 

"  Yes.     I  just  arrived." 

"Ah,  you  have  friends  or  relatives  here?" 

I  told  her  I  did  not  know  any  one  in  Chicago.  What 
was  I  doing  here,  then,  she  asked  me,  and  I  replied 
that  I  expected  to  work.  She  asked  at  what,  and  I 
replied : 

"  As  a  journalist." 

That  brought  a  rather  surprised  smile.  Then  she 
wanted  to  know  if  I  had  arranged  for  a  room  some 
where,  and  I  told  her  that  that  was  just  what  I  was 
sitting  there  thinking  about  —  wondering  where  I 
ought  to  go. 

"  Well,  I  've  just  got  you  in  time,  then,"  she  said, 
with  a  pleasant  smile.  "  You  come  along  with  me. 
I  'm  an  officer  of  the  Young  Women's  Christian  As 
sociation."  She  showed  me  her  badge.  "  We  '11  take 
care  of  you  there." 

I  went  with  her  gladly,  you  may  be  sure.  She  led 
me  out  to  the  street  and  up  to  a  large  carriage,  which 


ME  107 

had  Y.  W.  C.  A.  in  big  letters  on  it.  I  was  very  for 
tunate. 

Unlike  New  York's  Y.  W.  C.  A.,  which  is  in  an 
ugly  down-town  street,  Chicago's  is  on  Michigan  Ave 
nue,  one  of  its  finest  streets,  and  is  a  splendid  building. 

I  was  taken  to  the  secretary  of  the  association,  a 
well-dressed  young  woman  with  a  bleak,  hard  face. 
She  looked  me  over  sternly,  and  the  first  thing  she 
said  was : 

"Where  are  your  references?" 

I  took  Mr.  Campbell's  letter  of  recommendation 
from  my  pocket-book,  and  handed  it  to  her : 

It  was  as  follows: 

To  Whom  it  may  Concern: 

The  bearer  of  this,  Miss  Nora  Ascough,  has  been  on  the 
staff  of  The  Lantern  for  some  time  now,  but  unfortunately 
the  tropical  climate  of  Jamaica  is  not  suited  to  her  constitu 
tion.  In  the  circumstances  she  has  to  leave  a  position  for 
which  her  skill  and  competency  eminently  qualify  her. 

As  a  stenographer,  amanuensis,  and  reporter  I  can  give  her 
the  highest  praise.  She  has  for  the  entire  session  of  the 
local  legislature  reported  the  proceedings  with  credit  to 
herself  and  The  Lantern,  notwithstanding  she  was  a  stranger 
to  her  surroundings,  the  people,  and  local  politics.  These 
are  qualities  that  can  find  no  better  recommendation.  I 
confidently  recommend  her  to  any  one  requiring  a  skilled 
amanuensis  and  reporter. 

I  was  justifiably  proud  of  that  reference,  which 
Mr.  Campbell  had  unexpectedly  thrust  upon  me  the 
day  I  left  Jamaica.  I  broke  down  when  I  read  it,  for 


io8  ME 

I  felt  I  did  not  deserve  it.  The  secretary  of  the  Y. 
W.  C.  A.,  however,  said  in  her  unpleasant  nasal  voice 
as  she  turned  it  over  almost  contemptuously  in  her 
hand: 

"  Oh,  this  won't  do  at  all.  It  is  n't  even  an  Amer 
ican  reference,  and  we  require  a  reference  as  to  your 
character  from  some  minister  or  doctor." 

Now,  on  the  way  to  the  association  the  lady  who 
had  brought  me  had  told  me  that  this  place  was  self- 
supporting,  that  the  girls  must  remember  they  were 
not  objects  of  charity;  but,  on  the  contrary,  that  they 
paid  for  everything  they  got,  the  idea  of  the  association 
being  to  make  no  money  from  the  girls,  but  simply 
to  pay  expenses.  In  that  way  the  girls  were  enabled 
to  board  there  at  about  half  the  price  of  a  boarding- 
house.  Under  these  circumstances  I  could  not  but  in 
wardly  resent  the  tone  of  this  woman,  and  it  seemed 
to  me  that  these  restrictions  were  unjust  and  prepos 
terous.  Of  course  I  was  not  in  a  position  to  protest, 
so  I  turned  to  my  friend  who  had  brought  me  from  the 
station. 

"  What  shall  I  do?  "  I  asked  her. 

"  Can't  you  get  a  reference  from  your  minister, 
dear?"  she  asked  sympathetically.  Why,  yes,  I 
thought  I  could.  I  'd  write  to  Canon  Evans,  our  old 
minister  in  Quebec.  My  friend  leaned  over  the  desk 
and  whispered  to  the  secretary,  who  appeared  to  be 
very  busy,  and  irritated  at  being  disturbed. 

All  public  institutions,   I  here  assert,  should  have 


ME  109 

as  their  employees  only  people  who  are  courteous, 
pleasant,  and  kind.  One  of  the  greatest  hardships  of 
poverty  is  to  be  obliged  to  face  the  autocratic  mar 
tinets  who  seem  to  guard  the  doorways  of  all  such 
organizations.  There  is  something  detestable  and  of 
fensive  in  the  frozen,  impatient,  and  often  insulting 
manner  of  the  women  and  men  who  occupy  little  posi 
tions  of  authority  like  this,  and  before  whom  poor 
working-girls  —  and,  I  suppose,  men  —  must  always 

go- 
She  looked  up  from  her  writing  and  snapped: 
"  You  know  our  rules  as  well  as  I  do,  Miss  But 
ton." 

"  Well,  but  she  says  she  can  get  a  minister's  refer 
ence  in  a  few  days,"  said  my  friend. 

"  Let  her  come  here  then,"  said  the  secretary  as 
she  blotted  the  page  on  which  she  was  writing.  How 
I  hated  her,  the  cat! 

"  But  I  want  to  get  her  settled  right  away,"  pro 
tested  my  friend. 

How  I  loved  her,  the  angel! 

"  Speak  to  Mrs.  Dooley  about  it,  then,"  snapped  the 
secretary. 

As  it  happened,  Mrs.  Dooley  was  close  at  hand. 
She  was  the  matron  or  superintendent,  and  was  a  big 
splendid-looking  woman,  who  moved  ponderously,  like 
a  steam-roller.  She  gave  one  look  at  me  only  and  said 
loudly  and  belligerently: 
"Sure.  Let  her  in!" 


no  ME 

The  secretary  shrugged  then,  and  took  my  name  and 
address  in  Quebec.  Then  she  made  out  a  bill,  say 
ing: 

"  It 's  five  dollars  in  advance." 

I  was  greatly  embarrassed  to  be  obliged  to  admit 
that  my  money  was  in  my  stocking.  Mrs.  Dooley 
laughed  at  that,  my  friend  looked  pained,  and  the  sec 
retary  pierced  me  with  an  icy  glare.  She  said : 

"  Nice  girls  don't  keep  their  money  in  places  like 
that." 

It  was  on  the  tip  of  my  tongue  to  retort  that  I  was 
not  "  nice,"  but  I  bit  my  tongue  instead.  My  friend 
gave  me  the  opportunity  to  remove  my  "  roll,"  and  I 
really  think  it  made  some  impression  on  these  officers 
of  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.,  for  the  secretary  said : 

"If  you  can  afford  it,  you  can  have  a  room  to  your 
self  for  six  a  week." 

I  said : 

"  No,  I  can't.     This  money  is  not  mine." 

The  elevator  "  boy  "  was  a  girl  —  a  black  girl. 

We  went  up  and  up  and  up.  My  heart  was  in  my 
mouth,  for  I  had  never  been  in  an  elevator  before. 
Never  had  I  been  in  a  tall  building  before.  We  did  not 
have  one  in  Quebec  when  I  was  there.  We  got  off 
at  the  top  floor.  Oh,  me!  how  that  height  thrilled 
me,  and,  I  think,  frightened  me  a  little!  On  the  way 
to  the  room,  my  friend  —  though  I  had  learned  her 
name,  I  always  like  to  refer  to  her  as  "  my  friend." 
Ah,  I  wonder  whether  she  is  still  looking  for  and  pick- 


ME  in 

ing  up  poor  little  homeless  girls  at  railway  stations !  — 
said : 

"  You  know,  dear,  we  have  to  be  careful  about  ref 
erences  and  such  things.  Otherwise  all  sorts  of  un 
desirable  girls  would  get  in  here." 

"  Well,  I  said,  "  I  don't  see  why  a  girl  who  has  a 
reference  from  a  minister  is  any  more  desirable  than 
one  who  has  not." 

"  No,  perhaps  not,"  she  said ;  "  but  then,  you  see, 
we  have  to  use  some  sort  of  way  of  judging.  We  do 
this  to  protect  our  good  girls.  This  is  frankly  a  place 
for  good  girls,  and  we  cannot  admit  girls  who  are  not. 
By  and  by  you  '11  appreciate  that  yourself.  We  '11  be 
protecting  you,  don't  you  see  ?  " 

I  did  n't,  but  she  was  so  sweet  that  I  said  I  did. 


XII 

OH,  such  a  splendid  room!  At  least  it  seemed  so 
to  me,  who  had  seen  few  fine  rooms.  It  was  so 
clean,  even  dainty.  The  walls  and  ceiling  were  pink 
calcimine,  and  some  one  had  twisted  pink  tissue-paper 
over  the  electric  lights.  I  did  n't  discover  that  till 
evening,  and  then  I  was  delighted.  No  beautiful, 
costly  lamps,  with  fascinating  and  ravishing  shades, 
have  ever  moved  me  as  my  first  taste  of  a  shaded  col 
ored  light  in  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.  did. 

Our  home  in  Quebec  had  been  bare  of  all  these 
charming  accessories,  and  although  my  father  was  an 
artist,  poor  fellow,  I  remember  he  used  to  paint  in  the 
kitchen,  with  us  children  all  about  him,  because  that 
was  the  only  warm  room  in  the  house.  In  our  poor 
home  the  rooms  were  primitive  and  bare.  Papa  used 
to  say  that  bare  rooms  were  more  tolerable  than  rooms 
littered  with  "  trash,"  and  since  we  could  not  afford 
good  things,  it  was  better  to  have  nothing  in  the  place 
but  things  that  had  an  actual  utility.  I  think  he  was 
wrong.  There  are  certain  pretty  little  things  that 
may  be  "  trash,"  but  they  add  to  the  attractiveness  of 
a  home. 

112 


ME  113 

Though  papa  was  an  artist,  there  were  no  pictures 
at  all  on  our  walls,  as  my  older  sisters  used  to  take 
his  paintings  as  fast  as  he  made  them,  and  go,  like 
canvassers,  from  house  to  house  and  sell  them  for  a 
few  dollars.  Yet  my  father,  as  a  young  man,  had 
taken  a  gold  medal  at  an  exhibition  at  the  Salon. 
Grandpapa,  however,  had  insisted  that  no  son  of  his 
should  follow  the  "  beggarly  profession  of  an  artist," 
and  papa  was  despatched  to  the  Far  East,  there  to  ex 
tend  the  trade  of  my  grandfather,  one  of  England's 
greatest  merchant  princes.  When  misfortune  over 
took  my  father  later,  and  his  own  people  turned 
against  him,  when  the  children  began  to  arrive  with 
startling  rapidity,  then  my  father  turned  to  art  as  the 
means  of  securing  for  us  a  livelihood. 

One  of  my  sisters  was  known  in  Quebec  as  the  "  lit 
tle  lace  girl."  She  sold  from  door  to  door  the  lace 
that  she  herself  made.  Marion  followed  in  her  steps 
with  papa's  paintings.  Other  sisters  had  left  home, 
and  some  were  married.  I  was  the  one  who  had  to 
mind  the  children, —  the  little  ones;  they  were  still 
coming, —  and  I  hated  and  abhorred  the  work.  I  re 
member  once  being  punished  in  school  because  I  wrote 
this  in  my  school  exercise : 

"  This  is  my  conception  of  hell :  a  place  full  of  howl 
ing,  roaring,  fighting,  shouting  children  and  babies. 
It  is  supreme  torture  to  a  sensitive  soul  to  live  in  such 
a  Bedlam.  Give  me  the  bellowings  of  a  madhouse  in 
preference.  At  least  there  I  should  not  have  to  dress 


U4  ME 

and  soothe  and  whip  and  chide  and  wipe  the  noses  of 
the  crazy  ones." 

Ah,  I  wish  I  could  have  some  charming  memories  of 
a  lovely  home !  That 's  a  great  deal  to  have.  It  is 
sad  to  think  of  those  we  love  as  in  poor  surroundings. 

I  suppose  there  are  people  in  the  world  who  would 
smile  at  the  thought  of  a  girl's  ecstatic  enthusiasm  over 
a  piece  of  pink  paper  on  an  electric  light  in  a  room  in 
the  Chicago  Y.  W.  C.  A.  Perhaps  I  myself  am  now 
almost  snob  enough  to  laugh  and  mock  at  my  own 
former  ingenuousness.  That  room,  nevertheless, 
seemed  genuinely  charming  to  me.  There  were  two 
snow-white  beds,  an  oak  bureau,  oak  chairs,  oak  table, 
a  bright  rug  on  the  floor,  and  simple  white  curtains  at 
the  window.  At  home  I  slept  in  a  room  with  four  of 
my  little  brothers  and  sisters.  I  hate  to  think  of  that 
room.  As  fast  as  I  picked  up  the  scattering  clothes, 
others  seemed  to  accumulate.  Why  do  children  soil 
clothes  so  quickly! 

There  was  even  a  homey  look  about  my  room  in 
the  Y.  W.  C.  A.,  for  there  were  several  good  prints 
on  the  wall,  photographs  on  the  mantel  and  the  bureau, 
a  bright  toilet  set  on  the  bureau,  and  a  work-basket  on 
the  table.  From  these  personal  things  I  speculated 
upon  the  nature  of  my  room-mate  to  be,  and  I  decided 
she  was  "  nice."  One  thing  was  certain,  she  was  ex 
ceedingly  neat,  for  all  her  articles  were  arranged  with 
almost  old-maid  primness.  I  determined  to  be  less 
careless  with  my  own  possessions. 


ME  115 

After  unpacking  my  things,  and  hiding  my  money, — 
right  back  in  my  stocking,  despite  what  the  secretary 
had  said !  —  I  went  down-stairs  again,  as  I  had  been 
told  a  large  reading-room,  parlor,  reception-rooms,  etc., 
were  on  the  ground  floor. 

The  night  before  I  had  planned  a  definite  campaign 
for  work.  I  intended  to  go  the  rounds  of  the  news 
paper  offices.  I  would  present  to  the  editors  first  my 
card,  which  Mr.  Campbell  had  had  specially  printed 
for  me,  with  the  name  of  our  paper  in  the  corner,  show 
Mr.  Campbell's  reference,  and  then  leave  a  number  of 
my  own  stories  and  poems.  After  that,  I  felt  sure, 
one  or  all  of  the  editors  of  Chicago  would  be  won  over. 
You  perceive  I  had  an  excellent  opinion  of  my  ability 
at  this  time.  I  wish  I  had  it  now.  It  was  more  a 
conviction  then  —  a  conviction  that  I  was  destined  to 
do  something  worth  while  as  a  writer. 

In  the  reading-room,  where  there  were  a  score  of 
other  girls,  I  found  not  only  paper,  pencils,  pens,  but 
all  the  newspapers  and  journals.  Nearly  all  the  girls 
were  looking  at  the  papers,  scanning  the  advertising 
columns.  I  got  an  almanac,  —  we  had  one  in  Jamaica 
that  was  a  never- failing  reference-book  to  me, —  and 
from  it  I  obtained  a  list  of  all  the  Chicago  papers,  with 
the  names  of  the  proprietors  and  editors.  I  intended 
to  see  those  editors  and  proprietors.  It  took  me  some 
time  to  make  up  this  list,  and  by  the  time  I  was  through 
it  was  the  luncheon  hour. 

I  followed  a  moving  throng  of  girls  into  a  great  clean 


n6  ME 

dining-room,  with  scores  of  long  tables,  covered  with 
white  cloths.  There  were  all  sorts  of  girls  there, 
pretty  girls,  ugly  girls,  young  girls,  old  girls,  shabby 
girls,  and  richly  dressed  girls.  In  they  came,  all  chat 
ting  and  laughing  and  seeming  so  remarkably  care-free 
and  happy  that  I  decided  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.  must  be  a 
great  place,  and  there  I  would  stay  forever,  or  at  any 
rate  until  I  had  won  Mr.  Hamilton. 

You  perceive  now  that  I  intended  to  court  this  man 
and,  what  is  more,  to  win  him,  just  as  I  intended  to 
conquer  Fate,  and  achieve  fame  in  this  city.  How  can 
I  write  thus  lightly,  when  I  felt  so  deeply  then !  Ah, 
well,  the  years  have  passed  away,  and  we  can  look 
back  with  a  gleam  of  humor  on  even  our  most  sacred 
desires. 

It  was  a  decent,  wholesome  meal,  that  Y.  W.  C.  A. 
luncheon.  All  the  girls  at  my  table  seemed  to  know 
one  another,  and  they  joked  and  "  swapped  "  stories 
about  their  "  fellows  "  and  "  bosses,"  and  told  of  cer 
tain  adventures  and  compliments,  etc.  I  attracted 
very  little  notice,  though  a  girl  next  to  me  —  she 
squinted  —  asked  me  my  name.  I  suppose  they  were 
used  to  strangers  among  them.  New  girls  came  and 
went  every  day. 

All  the  same,  I  did  feel  lonely.  All  these  girls  had 
positions  and  friends  and  beaux.  I  ardently  hoped  that 
I,  too,  would  be  working  soon.  A  great  many  of 
them,  however,  were  not  working-girls  at  all,  but  stu 
dents  of  one  thing  or  another  in  Chicago  who  had 


ME  117 

taken  advantage  of  the  cheapness  of  the  place  for 
boarding  purposes.  By  right  they  should  not  have 
been  there,  as  the  association  was  supposed  to  board 
only  self-supporting  girls.  However,  they  got  in  upon 
one  excuse  or  another,  and  I  think  the  other  girls  were 
rather  glad  than  otherwise  to  have  them  there.  They 
were  of  course  well  dressed  and  well  mannered,  and 
they  lifted  the  place  a  bit  above  the  average  working- 
girl's  home.  Curiously  enough,  there  were  few  shop 
or  factory  girls  there.  Most  of  the  girls  were  stenogra 
phers  and  bookkeepers. 

When  I  went  up  to  my  room  after  luncheon,  I  found 
a  girl  washing  her  face  in  the  basin.  She  looked  up, 
with  her  face  puffed  out  and  the  water  dripping  from 
it,  and  she  sang  out  in  all  her  dampness : 

"Hello!" 

She  proved,  of  course,  to  be  my  room-mate.  Her 
name  was  Estelle  Mooney.  She  was  not  good-look 
ing,  but  was  very  stylish  and  had  a  good  figure.  Then, 
her  hair  appeared  such  a  wonderful  fabric  that  really 
one  could  scarcely  notice  anything  else  about  her.  It 
was  a  mass  of  rolls  and  coils  and  puffs,  and  it  was  the 
most  extraordinary  shade  of  glittering  gold  that  I 
have  ever  seen.  I  could  not  imagine  how  she  ever  did 
it  up  like  that  —  till  I  saw  her  take  it  off !  Well,  that 
hair,  false  though  it  was,  entirely  dominated  her  face. 
It  was  stupendous,  remarkable.  However,  it  was  the 
fashion  at  that  time  to  wear  one's  hair  piled  gi 
gantically  upon  one's  head,  and  every  one  had  switches 


u8  ME 

and  rolls  and  rats  galore  —  every  one  except  me.  I 
had  a  lot  of  hair  of  my  own.  It  came  far  down  below 
my  waist,  and  was  pure  black  in  color.  It  waved  just 
enough  to  look  well  when  done  up.  Canadian  girls 
all  have  good  heads  of  hair.  I  never  saw  an  Ameri 
can  girl  with  more  than  a  handful.  Still,  they  make  it 
look  so  fine  that  it  really  does  not  matter  —  till  they 
take  it  down  or  off. 

My  room-mate  chewed  gum  constantly,  and  the  back 
of  our  bureau  was  peppered  with  little  dabs  that  she, 
by  the  way,  told  me  to  "  please  let  alone."  As  if  I  'd 
have  touched  her  old  gum !  I  laughed  at  the  idea  then ; 
I  can  still  laugh  at  the  remembrance. 

Estelle  was  a  character,  and  she  talked  so  uniquely 
that  for  once  in  my  life  I  listened,  tongue-tied  and 
secretly  enchanted.  Never  had  I  heard  such  speech. 
With  Estelle  to  room  with,  why  had  I  not  been  born  a 
female  George  Ade!  But,  then,  I  soon  discovered 
that  nearly  all  American  girls  (the  working-girls  at 
least)  used  slang  fluently  in  their  speech,  and  it  did 
not  take  me  long  to  acquire  a  choice  vocabulary  of  my 
own. 

Estelle  had  to  return  to  her  office  by  one,  so  she 
could  snatch  only  a  moment's  conversation  with  me, 
and  she  talked  with  hair-pins  in  her  mouth,  and  while 
sticking  pins,  bone  knobs,  and  large  rhinestone  pins 
and  combs  into  that  brilliant  mass  of  hair  that  domi 
nated  her.  On  top  of  this  she  finally  set  a  great  work 
of  art,  in  the  shape  of  an  enormous  hat.  Its  color 


ME  119 

scheme  was  striking,  and  set  rakishly  upon  Estelle's 
head,  it  certainly  did  look  "  fetching  "  and  stylish. 

Now,  this  girl,  with  all  her  slang  and  gaudy  attire, 
was  earning  fifteen  dollars  a  week  as  a  stenographer 
and  type-writer.  She  not  only  supported  herself  in 
"  ease  and  comfort,"  as  she  herself  put  it,  but  she  con 
tributed  three  dollars  a  week  to  her  family  —  she 
hailed  from  Iowa,  despite  her  name  —  and  she  saved 
two  dollars  a  week.  Also  she  was  engaged.  She 
showed  me  her  ring.  I  envied  her  not  so  much  for 
the  ring  as  for  the  man.  I  should  have  loved  to  be  en 
gaged.  She  said  if  it  was  n't  for  the  fact  that  her 
"  fellow "  called  every  evening,  she  'd  take  me  out 
with  her  that  night ;  and  perhaps  if  Albert  did  n't  ob 
ject  too  much,  she  would,  anyhow.  Albert  must  have 
objected,  for  she  did  not  take  me. 

Albert  worked  in  the  same  office  as  Estelle.  He  got 
twelve  dollars  a  week;  but  Estelle  planned  that  if  they 
married,  Albert,  who  was  the  next  in  line,  would  take 
her  place.  He  was  bound  to  rise  steadily  in  the  firm, 
according  to  Estelle.  As  they  did  not  intend  to  marry 
for  two  or  three  years,  she  expected  to  have  consider 
able  saved  by  then,  especially  as  Albert  was  also  sav 
ing.  I  liked  Estelle  from  the  first,  and  she  liked  me. 
I  always  got  on  well  with  her,  though  she  used  to 
look  at  me  suspiciously  whenever  she  took  a  piece  of 
gum  from  the  back  of  the  bureau,  as  if  she  wondered 
whether  I  had  been  at  work  upon  it  in  her  absence. 

I  don't  know  how  I  found  my  way  about  the  city 


I2O  ME 

that  afternoon,  but  I  declare  that  there  was  not  a 
single  newspaper  office  in  Chicago  at  which  I  did  not 
call.  I  went  in  with  high  hopes,  and  I  sent  in  my  card 
to  proprietor  and  editor,  and  coldly  stared  out  of 
countenance  the  precocious  office  boys,  patronizing, 
pert,  pitying,  impudent,  or  indifferent,  who  in  every 
instance  barred  my  way  to  the  holy  of  holies  within. 
In  not  one  instance  did  I  see  a  proprietor  of  a  paper. 
No  deeply  impressed  editor  came  rushing  forth  to  bid 
me  enter.  In  most  of  the  offices  I  was  turned  away 
with  the  cruel  and  laconic  message  of  the  office  boy 
of  "  Nothing  doing." 

In  two  cases  "  cub  "  reporters  —  I  suppose  they  were 
that,  for  they  looked  very  little  older  than  the  office 
boys  —  came  out  to  see  me,  but  although  they  paid 
flattering  attention  to  the  faltering  recitation  of  my  ex 
periences  as  a  reporter  in  Jamaica,  West  Indies,  they, 
too,  informed  me  there  was  "  nothing  doing,"  though 
they  took  my  address.  As  far  as  that  goes,  so  did  the 
office  boys.  One  of  the  reporters  asked  me  if  I  'd 
like  to  go  out  to  dinner  with  him  some  night.  I  said 
no;  I  was  not  looking  for  dinners,  but  for  a  posi 
tion. 

I  was  very  tired  when  I  reached  "  home."  I  went 
up  to  my  room  to  think  the  matter  over  alone,  for  the 
reading-room  and  the  halls  were  crowded  with  girls. 
Estelle,  however,  had  returned  from  work.  She  had 
taken  off  all  her  puffs  and  rats,  and  looked  so  funny 
with  nothing  but  her  own  hair  that  I  wanted  to  laugh, 


ME  121 

but  turned  away,  as  I  would  not  have  hurt  her  feelings 
for  worlds. 

"  Hello ! "  she  cried  as  I  came  in.  "  Dead  tired, 
ain't  you?" 

How  can  a  firm  employ  a  stenographer  who  says 
"ain't"? 

She  offered  me  a  piece  of  gum  —  unchewed.  I  took 
it  and  disconsolately  went  to  work. 

"  Got  soaked  in  the  eye,  did  n't  you?  "  she  inquired 
sympathetically. 

I  nodded.     I  knew  what  she  meant  by  that. 

"  Well,  you  '11  get  next  to  something  soon,"  said 
Estelle.  "  What 's  your  line?  " 

I  started  to  say  "  journalism."  In  Canada  we  never 
say  "  newspaper  work."  Journalism  seems  a  politer 
and  more  dignified  term.  To  Estelle  I  said,  "  I  write," 
thinking  that  that  would  be  clear ;  but  it  was  not.  She 
thought  I  meant  I  wrote  letters  by  hand,  and  she  said 
at  once: 

"  Say,  if  I  were  you,  I  'd  learn  type-writing.  You 
can  clip  off  ten  words  on  the  machine  to  one  you  can 
write  by  hand,  and  it 's  dead  easy  to  get  a  job  as  a 
type-writer.  Gee!  I  don't  see  how  you  expect  to  get 
anything  by  writing!  That's  out  of  date  now,  girl. 
Say,  where  do  you  come  from,  anyhow  ?  " 

Unconsciously,  Estelle  had  given  me  an  idea.  Why 
should  I  not  learn  type-writing?  I  was  an  expert 
at  shorthand,  and  if  I  could  teach  myself  that, 
I  could  also  teach  myself  type-writing.  If  a  girl  like 


122  ME 

Estelle  could  get  fifteen  dollars  a  week  for  work  like 
that,  what  could  not  I,  with  my  superior  education  — 

Heavens  and  earth !  compared  with  Estelle  I  called 
myself  "  educated,"  I  whose  mind  was  a  dismal  abyss 
of  appalling  ignorance! 

A  type-writer,  then,  I  determined  to  be.  It  was  a 
come-down;  but  I  felt  sure  I  would  not  need  to  do  it 
for  long.  Estelle  generously  offered  to  have  a  type 
writer  sent  to  our  room  (three  dollars  a  month  for  a 
good  machine),  and  she  said  she  would  show  me  how 
to  use  it.  In  a  few  weeks,  she  said,  I  would  be  ready 
for  a  position. 

A  few  weeks!  I  intended  to  go  to  work  at  once. 
I  had  a  hundred  dollars  to  pay  back.  Already  I  had 
used  five  of  it.  If  I  stayed  here  a  few  weeks  without 
working,  it  would  rapidly  disappear.  Then,  even  when 
I  did  get  a  position,  suppose  they  gave  me  only  a  be 
ginner's  salary,  how  could  I  do  more  than  pay  my 
board  from  that?  The  possibility  of  getting  that  hun 
dred  dollars  together  again  would  then  be  remote,  re 
mote.  And  if  I  could  not  get  it,  how,  then,  was  I  to 
see  him  again? 

I  would  stick  to  my  first  resolve.  I  would  not  write 
to  him  until  I  could  send  him  back  that  money  —  that 
dirty  money.  I  felt  that  it  stood  between  us  like  a 
ghost. 

I  wonder  if  many  girls  suffer  from  this  passionate 
sensitiveness  about  money.  Or  was  I  exceptional? 
He  has  said  so,  and  yet  I  wonder. 


ME  123 

I  was  determined  to  get  work  at  once.  I  would 
learn  and  practise  type-writing  at  night,  but  I  would 
not  wait  till  I  had  learned  it,  but  look  for  work  just 
the  same  through  the  day.  Secretly  I  thought  to  my 
self  that  if  Estelle  took  three  weeks  in  which  to  learn 
the  type-writer,  as  she  said  she  did,  I  could  learn  it  in 
two  days.  That  may  sound  conceited,  but  you  do  not 
know  Estelle.  I  take  that  back.  I  misjudged  Estelle. 
Ignorant  and  slangy  she  may  have  been,  but  she  was 
sharp-witted,  quick  about  everything,  and  so  cheerful 
and  good-humored  that  I  do  not  wonder  she  was  able  to 
keep  her  position  for  four  or  five  years.  In  fact,  for 
the  kind  of  house  she  was  in  —  a  clothing  firm  — 
she  was  even  an  asset,  for  she  "  jollied  "  the  customers 
and  at  times  even  took  the  place  of  a  model.  She  said 
she  was  "  a  perfect  thirty-six,  a  Veenis  de  Mylo." 

Conceit  carries  youth  far,  and  if  I  had  not  had  that 
confidence  in  myself,  I  should  not  have  been  able  to 
do  what  I  did. 

All  next  day  I  tramped  the  streets  of  Chicago,  an 
swering  advertisements  for  "experienced"  (mark 
that!)  stenographers  and  type-writers.  I  was  deter 
mined  never  to  be  a  "  beginner."  I  would  make  a 
bluff  at  taking  a  position,  and  just  as  I  had  made  good 
with  Mr.  Campbell,  so  I  felt  I  should  make  good  in  any 
position  I  might  take.  I  could  not  afford  to  waste  my 
time  in  small  positions,  and  I  argued  that  I  would  prob 
ably  lose  them  as  easily  as  the  better  positions.  So  I 
might  as  well  start  at  the  top. 


XIII 

I  HATE  to  think  of  those  nightmare  days  that  fol 
lowed.  It  seemed  to  me  that  a  hundred  thou 
sand  girls  answered  every  advertisement.  I  stood  in 
line  with  hundreds  of  them  outside  offices  and  shops 
and  factories  and  all  sorts  of  places.  I  stood  or  sat 
(when  I  could  get  a  seat)  in  crowded  outer  offices 
with  scores  of  other  girls,  all  hungrily  hoping  for  the 
"job"  which  only  one  of  us  could  have. 

Then  I  began  to  go  from  office  to  office,  selecting  a 
building,  and  going  through  it  from  the  top  to  the 
bottom  floor.  Sometimes  I  got  beyond  the  appraising 
office  boys  and  clerks  of  outer  offices,  and  sometimes  I 
was  turned  away  at  the  door. 

I  have  known  what  it  is  to  be  pitied,  chaffed,  in 
sulted,  "jollied";  I  have  had  coarse  or  delicate  com 
pliments  paid  me;  I  have  been  cursed  at  and  ordered 
to  "clear  out — "  oh,  all  the  crucifying  experiences 
that  only  a  girl  who  looks  hard  for  work  knows ! 

I  've  had  a  fat  broker  tell  me  that  a  girl  like  me 
did  n't  need  to  work ;  I  Ve  had  a  pious-looking  hypo 
crite  chuck  me  under  the  chin,  out  of  sight  of  his 
clerks  in  the  outer  offices.  I  've  had  a  man  make  me 
a  cold  business  proposition  of  ten  -dollars  a  week  for 

124 


ME 


125 


my  services  as  stenographer  and  type-writer,  and  ten 
dollars  a  week  for  my  services  as  something  else. 
I  've  had  men  brutally  touch  me,  and  when  I  have  re 
sented  it,  I  have  seen  them  spit  across  the  room  in  my 
direction,  and  some  have  cursed  me. 

And  I  have  had  men  slip  into  my  hand  the  price  of 
a  meal,  and  then  apologize  when  they  saw  they  had 
merely  hurt  me. 

.When  the  day  was  done,  I  've  wearily  climbed 
aboard  crowded  cars  and  taken  my  stand,  packed  be 
tween  a  score  of  men  and  women,  or  clung  to  straps 
or  doors,  and  I  have  envied  those  other  people  on  the 
car,  because  I  felt  that  most  of  them  were  returning 
from  work,  while  I  was  looking  for  it. 

And  then  I  've  gone  back  to  my  room  in  the  Y.  W. 
C.  A.,  hurrying  to  get  there  before  the  chattering, 
questioning  Estelle,  and  counted  over  my  ever-dimin 
ishing  hundred  dollars,  and  lain  down  upon  my  bed, 
feverishly  to  think  ever  and  only  of  him!  Oh,  how 
far,  far  away  now  he  always  seemed  from  me! 

Sometimes,  if  I  came  in  early  enough,  and  if  I  were 
not  too  desperately  tired,  I  would  write  things.  Odds 
and  ends  —  what  did  I  not  write?  Wisps  of  thoughts, 
passionate  little  poems  that  could  not  bear  analysis; 
and  then  one  day  I  wrote  a  little  story  of  my  mother's 
land.  I  had  never  been  there,  and  yet  I  wrote  easily 
of  that  quaint,  far  country,  and  of  that  wandering 
troupe  of  jugglers  and  tight-rope  dancers  of  which  my 
own  mother  had  been  one. 


126  ME 

A  week  passed  away,  and  still  I  had  found  no  work. 
What  was  worse,  I  had  no  way  of  learning  type-writ 
ing,  even  with  the  machine  before  me;  for  Estelle, 
despite  her  promises,  went  out  every  night  with  Albert. 
She  had  merely  shown  me  one  morning  how  to  put 
the  paper  on  and  move  the  carriage  back  and  forth. 
I  used  to  sit  before  that  type-writer  and  peck  at  the 
type,  but  my  words  ran  into  one  another,  and  some 
times  the  letters  were  jumbled  together. 

I  now  knew  a  few  of  the  girls  in  the  house  to  speak 
to  slightly,  but  I  hesitated  to  ask  any  of  them  to  show 
me  something  that  perhaps  I  ought  to  pay  to  learn ; 
for  I  did  not  want  to  spend  the  money  for  that.  So 
I  waited  for  Estelle  to  keep  her  promise. 

Sometimes  I  would  approach  a  group  of  girls,  with 
the  intention  of  asking  one  of  them  to  come  with  me 
up  to  my  room,  and  then  when  she  was  there,  ask  her 
about  the  type-writer;  but  the  girls  at  the  Y.  W.  C.  A. 
were  always  occupied  in  one  way  or  another  in  the 
evening,  and  a  great  many  of  them,  like  myself,  were 
looking  for  work. 

They  used  to  cluster  together  in  the  lower  halls  and 
reading-room  and  talk  over  their  experiences.  Snorts 
of  indignation,  peals  of  laughter,  strenuous  words  of 
advice  —  all  these  came  in  a  stream  from  the  girls. 
You  'd  hear  one  girl  tell  an  experience,  and  another 
would  say,  "  I  tell  you  what  /  'd  have  done :  I  'd  have 
slapped  him  in  the  face ! "  Or  again,  a  girl  would 
say,  "  I  just  gave  him  one  look  that  petrified  him." 


ME  127 

From  all  of  which  I  gathered  that  my  own  experiences 
while  looking  for  work  were  common  ones.  Alas ! 
most  of  us  had  passed  the  stage  where  we  "  smacked  " 
or  "  slapped  "  a  man  in  the  face  or  "  petrified  "  him 
with  a  stare  when  he  insulted  us.  What  was  the  use? 
I  had  got  so  that  I  would  take  a  nasty  proposition  from 
a  man  with  a  shrug  and  a  smile,  and  walk  out  gamely. 

I  dare  say  there  are  people  who  cannot  believe  men 
are  so  base.  Well,  we  girls  who  work  see  them  at 
their  worst,  remember,  and  sometimes  we  see  them  at 
their  best.  There  are  men  so  fine  and  great  in  the 
business  world  that  they  compensate  for  all  the  con 
temptible  wolves  who  prey  upon  creatures  weaker  and 
poorer  than  they  are. 

I  did  not  have  time  in  those  days  to  notice  much  that 
happened  in  the  house,  and  yet  small  riots  and  strikes 
were  on  all  sides  of  us.  Girls  were  protesting  about 
this  or  that.  I  remember  one  of  the  chief  grievances 
was  having  to  attend  certain  amateur  theatrical  per 
formances  given  by  patronesses  of  the  association. 
We  poor  girls  were  obliged  to  sit  through  these  abor 
tive  efforts  at  amusing  us.  Most  of  us,  as  Estelle  said, 
could  have  "  put  it  all  over "  these  alleged  actors. 
Then,  not  all  of  the  girls  cared  to  attend  the  religious 
services  and  prayer  meetings.  It  was  a  real  hardship 
to  be  obliged  to  sit  through  these  when  one  would  have 
much  preferred  to  remain  in  one's  room.  The 
ten-o'clock  rule  was  the  hardest  of  all.  At  that  hour 
all  lights  went  out.  We  were  supposed  to  be  in  bed 


128  ME 

unless  we  had  permission  to  remain  out  later.  Ve 
hement  protests  against  this  rule  were  daily  hurled  at 
the  powers  that  were,  but  in  vain.  The  girls  asserted 
that  as  there  were  no  private  parlors  in  which  to  see 
their  company,  they  were  obliged  to  go  out,  and  it  was 
cruel  to  make  it  obligatory  to  be  in  so  early. 

So,  you  see,  pleasant  as  in  many  ways  the  association 
was,  it  had  its  drawbacks.  Even  I,  who  was  charmed 
with  the  place,  and  grateful  for  the  immediate  shelter 
it  gave  me,  revolted  after  I  had  been  working  some 
time. 

One  day  a  statue  of  General  Logan  was  to  be  un 
veiled  opposite  our  place,  and  a  great  parade  was  to 
mark  the  occasion.  Naturally  the  windows  of  our 
house  that  faced  the  avenue  were  desirable  and  ad 
mirable  places  from  which  not  only  to  see  the  parade, 
but  to  watch  the  unveiling  exercises.  Promptly  the 
patrons  and  patronesses  descended  upon  us,  and  our 
windows  were  demanded.  We  girls  were  told  we 
would  have  to  give  up  our  rooms  for  that  afternoon 
and  go  to  the  roof. 

I  '11  tell  you  what  one  girl  did.  When  the  fine  party 
that  was  to  occupy  her  room  knocked  upon  her  door, 
she  called,  "Come  in!"  and  when  they  entered,  they 
found  the  young  person  in  bed.  She  declined  to  get 
up. 

Threats,  coaxings,  the  titterings  and  explosive 
laughter  of  the  association's  "honored  guests"  (they 
were  of  both  sexes)  fell  upon  deaf  ears.  She  de- 


ME  129 

clined  to  get  up,  and  dared  any  one  of  them  to  force 
her  up,  She  said  she  had  paid  for  that  room,  and  she, 
and  no  one  else,  was  going  to  occupy  it  that  day. 
That  girl  was  I.  I  suppose  I  would  have  been  put 
out  of  the  place  for  that  piece  of  unheard-of  defiance 
but  for  the  fact  that  one  of  the  patronesses  undertook 
to  champion  me.  She  said  I  was  perfectly  right,  and 
as  she  was  a  most  important  patroness,  I  was  not  dis 
turbed,  though  I  received  a  severe  lecture  from  Miss 
Secretary. 

Taken  on  the  whole,  however,  it  was  a  good  place. 
We  had  a  fine  gymnasium  and  even  a  room  for  dan 
cing.  There  were  always  lectures  of  one  kind  or  an 
other,  and  if  a  girl  desired,  she  could  acquire  a  fair 
education. 

At  the  end  of  my  second  week,  and  while  I  was  still 
looking  for  a  place,  I  made  my  first  real  girl  friend 
and  chum.  I  had  noticed  her  in  the  dining-room,  and 
she,  so  she  said,  had  specially  selected  me  for  con 
sideration.  She  called  upon  me  one  evening  in  my 
room.  Of  course  she  was  pretty,  else  I  am  afraid  I 
should  not  have  been  attracted  to  her.  Pretty  things 
hypnotize  me.  She  was  several  years  older  than  I, 
and  was  what  men  call  a  "  stunning-looking "  girl. 
She  was  tall,  with  a  beautiful  figure,  which  she  always 
showed  to  advantage  in  handsome  tailor-made  suits. 
Her  complexion  was  fair,  and  she  had  laughing  blue 
eyes.  She  was  the  wittiest  and  prettiest  and  most  dis 
tinguished-looking  girl  in  the  house.  I  forgot  to  de- 


130  ME 

scribe  her  hair.  It  was  lovely,  shining,  rippling  hair, 
the  color  of  "  Kansas  corn,"  as  one  of  her  admirers 
once  phrased  it. 

Estelle  was  out  that  evening,  and  while  I  was  for 
lornly  picking  at  my  type-writer,  some  one  tapped  at 
my  door,  and  then  Lolly  —  her  name  was  Laura,  but  I 
always  called  her  Lolly — put  her  head  in. 

She  said: 

"  Anybody  but  yourself  at  home?  "  and  when  I  said 
no,  she  came  in,  and  locked  the  door  behind  her.  She 
was  in  a  pink  dressing-gown  so  pretty  that  I  could  not 
take  my  eyes  from  it.  I  had  never  had  a  dressing- 
gown. 

Lolly  stretched  herself  out  on  my  bed,  brought  forth 
a  package  of  cigarettes,  a  thing  absolutely  forbidden  in 
the  place,  offered  me  one,  and  lit  and  began  to  smoke 
one  herself.  To  be  polite,  I  took  her  cigarette  and 
tried  to  smoke  it ;  but  she  burst  into  merry  laughter  at 
my  effort,  because  I  blew  out  instead  of  drawing  in. 
However,  I  did  my  best. 

Of  course,  like  girls,  we  chatted  away  about  our 
selves,  and  after  I  had  told  her  all  about  myself,  Lolly 
in  turn  told  me  her  history. 

It  seems  she  was  the  daughter  of  a  prominent  Texas 
politician  whose  marriage  to  a  stepmother  of  whom 
Lolly  heartily  disapproved  had  induced  her  to  leave 
home.  She  was  trying  to  make  a  "  sort  of  a  liveli 
hood,"  she  called  it,  as  a  reporter  for  the  newspapers. 

When  she  said  this  carelessly,  I  was  so  surprised 


ME  131 

and  delighted  that  I  jumped  on  the  bed  beside  her,  and 
in  a  breath  I  told  her  that  that  was  the  work  I  had 
done,  and  now  wanted  to  do.  She  said  that  there 
"  was  n't  much  to  it,"  and  that  if  she  were  I,  she  'd 
try  to  get  something  more  practical  and  dependable. 
She  said  she  had  a  job  one  day  and  none  the  next. 
At  the  present  time  she  was  on  the  Inter  Ocean,  and 
she  had  been  assigned  to  "  cover  "  the  Y.  W.  C.  A. 
(she  called  it  "  The  Young  Women's  Cussed  Associa 
tion  ")  and  dig  up  some  stories  about  the  "  inmates  " 
and  certain  abuses  of  the  officials.  She  said  she  'd 
have  a  fine  "  story  "  when  she  got  through. 

How  I  envied  her  for  her  work !  Hoping  she  might 
help  me  secure  a  similar  position,  I  read  to  her  my 
latest  story.  She  said  it  was  "  not  bad,"  but  still  ad 
vised  me  to  get  a  stenographer's  place  in  preference. 
She  said  there  were  five  thousand  and  ninety-nine 
positions  for  stenographers  to  one  for  women  report 
ers,  and  that  if  I  got  a  good  place,  I  would  find  time  to 
write  a  bit,  anyway.  In  that  way  I  'd  get  ahead  even 
better  than  if  I  had  some  precarious  post  on  a  news 
paper,  as  the  space  rates  were  excessively  low.  She 
said  that  she  herself  did  not  make  enough  to  keep 
body  and  soul  together,  but  that  she  had  a  small  in 
come  from  home.  She  said  her  present  place  was  not 
worth  that,  and  she  blew  out  a  puff  of  smoke  from  her 
pretty  lips.  Any  day  she  expected  that  her  "  head 
would  roll  off,"  as  she  had  been  "  falling  down " 
badly  on  stories  lately. 


132  ME 

In  her  way  Lolly  was  as  slangy  as  Estelle,  but  there 
was  a  subtle  difference  between  their  slangs.  Lolly 
was  a  lady.  I  do  not  care  for  the  word,  but  gentle 
woman  somehow  sounds  affected  here.  Estelle  was 
not.  Yet  Lolly  was  a  cigarette  fiend,  and,  according 
to  her  own  wild  tales,  had  had  a  most  extraordinary 
career. 

Lolly  had  the  most  charming  smile.  It  was  as 
sunny  as  a  child's,  and  showed  a  row  of  the  prettiest 
of  teeth.  She  was  impulsive,  and  yet  at  times  ex 
ceedingly  moody. 

I  told  her  I  thought  she  was  quite  the  prettiest  girl 
in  the  place,  whereupon  she  gave  me  a  squeeze  and 
said: 

"  What  about  yourself?  " 

Then  she  wanted  to  know  what  I  did  with  myself 
all  the  time.  I  said : 

"  Why,  I  look  for  work  all  day." 

"But  at  night?" 

Dh,  I  just  stayed  in  my  room  and  tried  to  write  or 
to  practise  on  the  type-writer. 

"  Pooh!  "  said  Lolly,  "you  '11  die  of  loneliness  that 
way.  Why  don't  you  get  a  sweetheart?  " 

I  suppose  my  face  betrayed  me,  for  she  said : 

"  Got  one  already,  have  you  ?  " 

"  No,  indeed,"  I  protested. 

'  Then  why  don't  you  get  one  ?  " 

"  You  talk,"  I  said,  "as  if  sweethearts  were  to  be 
picked  up  any  day  on  the  street." 


ME  133 

"  So  they  are,  as  far  as  that  goes,"  said  Lolly. 
'''  You  just  go  down  the  avenue  some  night  and  see 
for  yourself." 

That  really  shocked  me. 

<:  If  you  mean  make  up  to  a  strange  man,  I  would  n't 
do  a  thing  like  that,  would  you  ?  " 

"  Oh,  yes,"  said  Lolly,  "  if  I  felt  like  it.  As  it  is 
now,  however,  I  have  too  many  friends.  I  've  got  to 
cut  some  of  them  out.  But  when  I  first  came  here, 

I  was  so  d lonely" — she  used  swear- words  just 

like  a  man — "  that  I  went  out  one  night  determined 
to  speak  to  the  first  man  who  got  on  the  car  I 
took." 

"Well?" 

Lolly  threw  back  her  head  and  laughed,  blowing  her 
smoke  upward  as  she  did  so. 

"  He  was  a  winner  from  the  word  go,  my  dear. 
Most  of  the  girls  get  acquainted  with  men  that  way. 
Try  it  yourself." 

No,  I  said  I  would  n't  do  that.  It  was  too  "  com 
mon." 

"  Pooh !  "  said  Lolly,  "  Lord  knows  I  was  brought 

up  by  book  rule.  I  was  the  bell  of  D ,  but  now 

I  'm  just  a  working-girl.  I  've  come  down  to  brass 
tacks.  What  a  fool  I  'd  be  to  follow  all  the  con 
ventional  laws  that  used  to  bind  me.  Then,  too,  I  'm 
a  Bohemian.  Ever  hear  of  that  word?"  she  inter 
rupted  herself  to  ask. 

I  nodded. 


134  ME 

Mama  used  to  call  papa  that  when  she  was  angry 
with  him. 

"  Well,"  said  Lolly,  "  I  'm  the  bona-fide  Bohemian 
article.  My  family  think  I  'm  the  limit.  What  do 
you  think?  " 

"  I  think  you  are  trying  to  shock  me,"  I  said. 

"Well,  have  I?" 

"  No,  not  a  bit." 

"  Then  you  're  the  only  girl  in  the  house  I  have  n't," 
she  said  with  relish.  "  You  know,  I  'm  in  pretty  bad 
here,  a  sore  spot  in  the  body  politic.  Out  I  'd  go  this 
blessed  minute  if  it  was  n't  for  the  fact  that  they  're 
all  afraid  of  me  —  afraid  I  '11  show  'em  up  scorch- 
ingly." 

"  Would  you  do  that?  "  I  asked. 

"  Watch  me !  "  said  Lolly,  laughing. 

The  lights  went  out,  and  then  she  swore.  She  had 
to  scramble  about  on  the  bed  to  find  her  cigarettes. 
When  she  was  going  out,  she  said : 

"  Oh,  by  the  way,  if  you  like,  I  '11  give  you  a  card 
to  a  fellow  out  in  the  stock-yards.  You  go  out  there 
to-morrow  and  see  him.  He  may  have  something  for 
you." 

Have  I,  I  wonder,  in  this  first  rough  picture  of 
Lolly  done  her  an  injustice?  If  so,  I  hasten  to  change 
the  effect.  Lolly  was  a  true  adventurer;  I  dare  not 
say  adventuress,  for  that  has  a  nasty  sound.  I  won 
der  why,  when  adventurer  sounds  all  right.  Though 
at  heart  she  was  pure  gold,  though  her  natural  in- 


ME  135 

stincts  were  refined  and  sweet,  she  took  a  certain 
reckless  pleasure  in,  as  it  were,  dancing  along  through 
life  with  a  mocking  mask  held  ever  before  her.  For 
instance,  she  took  an  almost  diabolic  delight  in  paint 
ing  herself  in  black  colors.  She  would  drawl  off  one 
startling  story  after  another  about  herself  as  with 
half -closed  eyes,  through  the  smoke,  she  watched  my 
face  to  judge  of  the  effect  of  her  recital.  Sometimes 
she  would  laugh  heartily  at  the  end  of  her  confidences, 
and  then  again  she  would  solemnly  assert  that  every 
word  was  true. 

The  morning  after  her  first  visit  she  woke  me  up 
early  and,  although  Estelle  grumbled,  came  airily  into 
our  room  and  got  into  bed  with  me. 

A  queer  sort  of  antagonism  existed  between  Lolly 
and  Estelle,  which  I  never  quite  understood  at  the 
time,  though  perhaps  I  do  now.  Lolly,  with  her  reck 
less,  handsome  stylishness  and  dash  represented  the 
finished  product  of  what  poor  Estelle  tried  to  be.  To 
make  a  crude  sort  of  comparison,  since  Estelle  herself 
worked  in  a  clothing  house  and  used  clothing-house 
figures  of  speech,  it  was  as  if  Lolly  were  a  fine  imported 
model  and  Estelle  the  pathetic,  home-made  attempt  at 
a  copy.  She  had  copied  the  outlines,  but  not  the 
subtle  little  finishing  touches.  Lolly,  moreover,  was 
acutely,  amusedly  aware  of  this,  and  she  took  a  wicked 
and  heartless  delight  in  teasing  and  gibing  at  Estelle 
with  words  fully  as  slangy  as  Estelle's  own,  but  which 
fairly  stung  with  their  keenness  and  caustic  wit. 


136  ME 

I  could  understand  why  Estelle  hated  Lolly,  but  I 
never  could  understand  Lolly's  contempt  for  Estelle. 
She  always  dismissed  her  as  "  Trash,  Nora,  trash !  " 

So  now  Estelle  turned  over  in  bed  and  snorted  loud 
and  long  as  Lolly  got  into  mine. 

Lolly  said : 

"  George !  how  the  hoi-polloi  do  snore !  " 

Estelle  lifted  her  head  from  the  pillow,  to  show 
she  was  not  sleeping,  and,  as  she  would  have  put  it, 
"  petrified  "  Lolly  with  one  long,  sneering,  contempt 
uous  look. 

Lolly  had  come  in,  in  fact,  on  an  errand  of  mercy 
toward  me,  to  whom  she  had  taken  a  sudden  fancy 
very  much  reciprocated  by  me.  She  said  she  wanted 
me  to  go  out  to  the  stock-yards  as  early  as  possible,  as 
she  understood  this  man  she  knew  there  wanted  a 
stenographer  right  away.  His  name,  she  said,  was 
Fred  O'Brien,  and  she  gave  me  a  card  which  read, 
"  Miss  Laura  Hope,  the  Inter  Ocean."  On  the  back 
she  had  written : 

"  Introducing  Miss  Nora  Ascough." 

I  was  delighted.  It  was  like  having  another  refer 
ence.  I  asked  her  about  this  Mr.  O'Brien.  She  said, 
with  a  smile  and  significantly,  that  she  had  met  him  on 
a  recent  expedition  to  the  yards  in  an  inquiring  mood 
for  the  Inter  Ocean  in  regard  to  the  pigs'-hair  depart 
ment,  of  which  he  was  then  manager. 

"Pigs'  hair!" 

I  had  never  heard  of  such  a  thing,  and  Lolly  burst 


ME  137 

into  one  of  her  wildest  peals  of  laughter,  which  made 
Estelle  sit  up  savagely  in  bed. 

"  You  '11  be  the  death  of  me  yet,"  said  Lolly. 

That  was  all  the  explanation  she  gave  me,  but  all 
the  way  to  the  stock-yards,  and  as  I  was  going  through 
them,  I  kept  wondering  what  on  earth  pigs'  hair  could 
be.  I  must  say  I  did  not  look  forward  with  any  de 
gree  of  delight  to  working  in  the  pigs'-hair  depart 
ment. 


XIV 

HAVE  you  ever  ridden  through  the  Chicago  stock 
yards  on  a  sunny  day  in  the  month  of  June? 
If  you  have,  you  are  not  likely  to  forget  the  experi 
ence. 

As  I  rode  with  about  twenty  or  thirty  other  girls  in 
the  bus,  all  apparently  perfectly  contented  and  happy, 
I  thought  of  some  of  my  father's  vivid  stories  of  old 
Shanghai,  the  city  of  smells. 

I  shall  not  describe  the  odors  of  the  Chicago  stock 
yards.  Suffice  it  to  say  that  they  are  many,  varied, 
and  strong,  hard  to  bear  at  first,  but  in  time,  like  every 
thing  else,  one  becomes  acclimated  to  them,  as  it  were. 
I  have  heard  patriotic  yards  people,  born  and  reared  in 
that  rarefied  atmosphere,  declare  that  they  "  like  it." 
And  yet  the  institution  is  one  of  the  several  wonders 
of  the  world.  It  is  a  miraculous,  an  astounding,  a 
mighty  organization. 

Again,  as  on  that  first  day  in  Chicago,  at  the  rail 
way  station,  I  was  one  of  many  atoms  pouring  into 
buildings  so  colossal  that  they  seemed  cities  in  them 
selves.  I  followed  several  of  the  stenographers  — 
only  the  stenographers  rode  in  the  busses ;  the  factory 
girls  of  the  yards  walked  through,  as  did  the  men  — 

138 


ME  139 

up  a  few  flights  of  stairs,  and  came  to  a  vast  office 
where,  I  believe,  something  like  three  thousand  clerks 
are  employed  on  one  floor.  Men,  women,  girls,  and 
boys  were  passing  along,  like  puppet  machines,  each  to 
his  own  desk  and  chair. 

The  departments  were  partitioned  off  with  oak  rail 
ings.  There  was  a  manager  and  a  little  staff  of  clerks 
for  every  department,  and,  oh!  the  amazing  number 
of  departments!  During  all  the  months  I  worked 
there  I  never  knew  the  names  of  more  than  half  the 
departments,  and  when  I  come  to  think  of  what  was 
on  the  other  floors,  in  other  buildings,  the  great  fac 
tories,  where  thousands  were  employed,  I  feel  bewil 
dered  and  stupendously  impressed. 

To  think  of  the  stock-yards  as  only  a  mighty  butcher 
shop  is  a  great  mistake.  It  is  better  to  think  of  them 
as  a  sort  of  beneficent  feeder  and  provider  of  hu 
manity,  not  merely  because  of  the  food  they  pour  out 
into  the  world,  but  for  the  thousands  to  whom  they 
give  work. 

I  heard  much  of  the  abuses  there,  of  the  hateful 
actions  of  many  of  the  employers;  but  one  loses  sight 
of  these  things  in  contemplating  the  great  general 
benefit  of  this  astounding  place.  Of  course  I,  in  the 
offices,  saw  perhaps  only  the  better  and  cleaner  side 
of  the  yards,  and  therefore  I  cannot  tell  what  went  on 
elsewhere. 

I  asked  a  boy  for  Mr.  O'Brien,  and  he  said : 

"  Soap  department." 


140  ME 

I  went  along  the  main  railing,  inquiring  for  the 
soap  department,  and  a  sharp-eyed  youth  (in  the 
pickled  snouts  department)  with  a  pencil  on  his  ear, 
undertook  to  take  me  to  O'Brien. 

As  I  passed  along  with  him,  I  found  myself  the 
attacked  of  many  eyes.  A  new  girl  is  always  an  ob 
ject  of  interest  and  speculation  in  the  yards.  I  tried 
to  look  unconcerned  and  unaware,  an  impossibility, 
especially  as  some  of  the  clerks  coughed  as  I  went  by, 
some  grinned  at  me,  one  winked,  and  one  softly  whis 
tled.  I  felt  ashamed  and  silly,  and  a  fierce  sort  of 
pity  for  myself  that  I  should  have  to  go  through  this. 

"  Lady  for  you,  Fred,"  at  last  sang  out  my  escort 
as  we  approached  an  inclosure,  and  then  smiling,  he 
opened  a  little  gate,  and  half  pushed,  half  led,  me  in. 

I  found  myself  at  the  elbow  of  a  long,  lanky  young 
man  who  was  doubled  over  in  such  a  position  that  his 
spine  looked  humped  up  in  the  middle.  He  had  a 
large  box  before  him,  in  which  were  a  lot  of  pieces  of 
soap,  and  he  kept  picking  up  pieces  and  examining 
them,  sometimes  smelling  them.  There  was  one  other 
person  in  the  inclosure,  or  department,  and  he  was  a 
very  red-haired,  freckle-faced  boy  of  about  twelve. 

For  some  time  the  long,  lanky  young  man  did  not 
even  look  up,  but  continued  to  examine  the  soap.  I 
was  beginning  to  think  he  was  ignorant  of  my  pres 
ence  at  his  elbow  when  he  said,  without  taking  his 
nose  out  of  the  box,  and  shifting  his  unlighted  cigar 
from  one  side  of  his  mouth  to  the  other,  in  a  snarling 


ME  141 

sort  of  voice,  like  the  inquiring  bark  of  a  surly  dog: 

"  Wa-al,  what  d'  yer  want?  " 

"  A  position  as  stenographer,"  I  answered  promptly. 

He  straightened  up  in  his  seat  at  that,  and  took  a 
look  at  me.  His  cheek-bones  were  high  and  lumpy; 
he  had  a  rather  pasty-colored  skin,  sharp-glancing 
eyes,  and  a  humorous  mouth.  It  was  a  homely  face, 
yet,  curiously  enough,  not  unattractive,  and  there  was 
something  straightforward  about  it.  He  wore  his  hat 
on  the  back  of  his  head,  and  he  did  not  remove  it  in 
honor  of  me.  After  scrutinizing  me  in  one  quick 
glance,  in  which  I  felt  he  had  taken  in  all  my  weak 
nesses  and  defects,  he  said  in  a  les.s-snarling  tone: 

"Sit  down." 

I  sat. 

Lolly's  card  I  timidly  proffered.  He  took  it,  stared 
at  it  with  an  astonished  expression,  and  then  snorted 
so  loudly  it  made  me  think  of  Estelle,  and  I  felt  a 
quaking  fear  that  Lolly's  card  was  a  poor  recom 
mendation.  He  spat  after  that  snort,  looked  at  me 
again,  and  said: 

"Well,  I  like  her  nerve!" 

Of  course,  as  I  was  not  aware  of  just  what  he  meant 
by  that  (I  subsequently  learned  that  Lolly  had  gone 
to  work  for  O'Brien  supposedly  as  a  stenographer,  and 
then  had  written  up  and  exposed  certain  conditions  in 
the  yards),  I  stared  at  him  questioningly,  and  he  re 
peated  with  even  more  eloquent  emphasis: 

"Well,  I  like  her  nerve!     It  beats  the  Dutch!" 


142  ME 

Then  he  chuckled,  and  again  scrutinized  me. 

"That  all  the  reference  you  got?"  he  asked. 

I  produced  Mr.  Campbell's,  and  as  I  watched  him 
read  it  with  a  rather  puzzled  expression,  I  hastily  pro 
duced  Canon  Evans's  reference  as  to  my  character, 
which  my  father  had  sent  me  for  the  Y.  W.  C.  A. 
O'Brien  handed  the  letters  back  to  me  without  com 
ment,  but  he  kept  Lolly's  card,  putting  it  carefully 
away  in  his  card-case,  and  chuckling  as  he  did  so. 

"  What  do  you  know  ? "  at  last  he  said  to  me. 
"  Good  stenographer,  are  you?  " 

"  Yes,  very  good,"  I  eagerly  assured  him. 

"  Humph !  How  much  salary  do  you  expect  to 
get?" 

"  I  got  ten  a  week  in  the  West  Indies,"  I  said.  I 
never  even  thought  that  that  "  free  board  "  at  the  hotel 
amounted  to  something,  too.  Ten  dollars  was  my 
salary,  and  so  I  said  ten. 

He  hugged  his  chin  reflectively,  studying  me,  and 
after  a  moment  he  said : 

"  I  was  n't  expecting  to  take  any  one  on  for  a  day 
or  two,  but  so  long  as  you  're  here,  and  come  so  highly 
recommended," —  and  he  grinned, — "  you  may  stay. 
Salary  fifteen  per." 

"  Oh,  thank  you!  "  I  said  so  fervency  that  he  got 
angrily  red,  and  turned  away. 

The  red-haired  office  boy,  who  had  been  acutely  lis 
tening  to  the  conversation,  now  came  up  to  me  and 
pertly  asked  me  if  I  was  engaged.  Which  insolent 


ME  143 

question  I  at  first  declined  to  answer.  When  I  real 
ized  that  he  did  not  mean  engaged  to  be  married,  but 
engaged  for  the  position,  then  I  said,  with  scarlet  face, 
that  I  was. 

"  Red  Top,"  as  they  called  him,  then  showed  me 
my  desk,  next  to  Mr.  O'Brien's,  filled  my  ink-wells, 
brought  me  pens,  pencils,  and  note-books.  I  was  in 
wardly  congratulating  myself  that  there  was  no  sign 
of  a  type-writer  when  the  boy  pulled  up  the  lid  of  my 
desk,  and,  lo !  there  was  a  fine,  glistening  machine. 

I  suppose  some  girls  really  take  a  sort  of  pride  in 
their  machine,  just  as  a  trainer  does  in  his  horse.  I 
confess  that  I  felt  no  fond  yearnings  toward  mine, 
and  while  I  was  debating  how  in  the  world  I  was  ever 
going  to  copy  the  letters,  Mr.  O'Brien  pulled  out  a 
slat  on  my  desk,  leaned  over,  and  began  to  dictate. 
All  the  time  he  was  dictating  he  was  chewing  tobacco, 
stopping  once  in  a  while  to  spit  in  a  cuspidor  at  his 
feet,  and  watching  my  face  out  of  the  corner  of  his 
eye.  This  was  a  sample  of  the  letters  I  took,  and  you 
can  judge  of  my  feelings  as  I  wrote: 

Messrs.  So  and  So. 
Gentlemen : 

I   send  you   F.O.B.   five  hundred  broken  babies,   three 
hundred  cracked  babies,  one  thousand  perfect  ones,  etc. 

Broken  babies,  cracked  babies,  perfect  ones!  What 
sort  of  place  was  this,  anyway?  The  pigs'  hair  de 
partment  was  mystifying  and  horrifying  enough,  and 


144  ME 

I  had  heard  that  sausages  were  made  from  dogs  and 
horses;  but  a  trade  in  babies  —  cracked  and  broken! 

I  suppose  my  face  must  have  betrayed  my  wonder 
and  perhaps  horror,  for  O'Brien  suddenly  choked, 
though  I  don't  know  whether  he  was  laughing  or 
coughing,  but  he  made  a  great  noise.  Then  he  said, 
clearing  his  throat : 

"Got  all  that?" 

I  nodded. 

"  That 's  all,"  he  said,  and  turned  back  to  his  soap 
box.  There  was  nothing  for  me  to  do  now  but  to 
type-write  those  letters.  I  stared  at  that  machine 
blindly,  and  to  put  off  the  evil  moment,  I  tried  to 
engage  my  "  boss  "  in  conversation  while  pretending 
to  dust  the  machine. 

"  Mr.  O'Brien,  have  —  have  you  many  babies 
here?"  I  asked. 

"  Thousands,"  he  returned. 

"  It  must  be  like  a  hospital,"  said  I. 

He  grunted.  I  've  often  thought  that  O'Brien  de 
lighted  to  put  stenographers  through  that  "  baby  " 
joke,  but  I  don't  suppose  any  other  girl  was  ever  quite 
so  gullible  as  I. 

"  I  'd  like  to  see  some  of  them,"  I  said. 

'  You  're  looking  at  them  now,"  said  he. 

I  looked  about  me,  but  I  saw  no  babies.  O'Brien 
was  digging  down  in  the  box.  Suddenly  he  tossed  up 
a  handful  of  odd-shaped  pieces  on  his  desk.  Then 
I  understood.  They  were  all  in  the  shape  of  babies  — 


ME  145 

Wool-Soap  babies!  O'Brien,  with  his  tobacco  in  his 
cheek,  thought  it  a  good  joke  on  me. 

I  stuck  the  paper  into  the  type-writer,  and  then  I 
began  slowly  to  write,  pecking  out  each  letter  with  my 
index-finger.  I  felt  rather  than  saw  O'Brien  slowly 
turning  round  in  his  seat,  and  though  I  dared  not  look 
up,  I  felt  both  his  and  Red  Top's  amazed  eyes 
on  my  slowly  moving  fingers.  Suddenly  O'Brien 
stood  up. 

"  Well,  upon  my  word,"  said  he,  "  you  sure  are  a 
twin  of  that  friend  of  yours!  I  like  your  nerve!" 

I  sat  still  in  my  seat,  just  staring  at  the  type,  and  a 
fearful  lump  came  up  in  my  throat  and  almost  choked 
me.  I  could  not  see  a  thing  for  the  tears  that  came 
welling  up  despite  myself,  but  I  held  them  back 
fiercely. 

Suddenly  O'Brien  snapped  out  in  his  most  angry 
and  snarling  tone: 

"  Say,  who  are  you  staring  at,  anyway  ?  " 

I  thought  he  meant  me,  and  I  started  to  protest  that 
I  was  merely  looking  at  the  type,  when  I  heard  the  feet 
of  Red  Top  shuffle,  and  he  said,  oh,  so  meekly  and 
respectfully : 

"  Yes,  sir ;  I  ain't  staring  at  her,  sir." 

I  was  relieved,  anyway,  of  a  part  of  the  pressure, 
for  the  office  boy  was  now  busy  at  some  files.  I  found 
enough  courage  at  last  to  look  at  O'Brien.  He  was 
studying  me.  as  if  I  were  some  strange  curiosity  that 
both  amused  and  amazed  him. 


146  ME 

"  You  're  a  nice  one,  are  n't  you,"  said  he,  "  to  take 
a  job  at  fifteen  per  as  an  experienced  and  expert 
stenographer  and  — " 

I  said  quickly : 

"  I  am  an  expert  stenographer.  It 's  just  the  type 
writing  I  can't  do,  and,  oh!  if  you'll  only  give  me  a 
chance,  I  '11  learn  it  in  a  few  days,  honestly  I  will. 
I  'm  cleverer  than  most  girls,  really  I  am.  I  taught 
myself  shorthand,  and  I  can  type-writing,  too.  I  '11 
practise  every  night,  and  if  you  '11  just  try  me  for  a 
few  days,  I  '11  work  so  hard  —  and  you  won't  be 
sorry ;  I  'm  sure  you  won't." 

I  got  this  all  off  quickly  and  warmly. 

To  this  day  I  do  not  know  what  impulse  moved 
Fred  O'Brien  to  decide  that  he  wanted  me  as  his 
stenographer.  His  was  an  important  department,  and 
he  could  have  had  as  good  a  stenographer  as  fifteen 
dollars  a  week  will  get,  and  that 's  a  fair  salary  for 
work  of  that  kind.  Here  was  I,  palpably  a  green  girl, 
who  could  not  type  a  line!  No  man's  voice  ever 
sounded  nicer  than  that  gruff  young  Irishman's  when 
he  said  that  I  could  stay,  that  for  the  first  week  I  could 
do  the  letters  by  hand ;  but  I  was  to  practise  every  op 
portunity  I  got,  and  I  could  help  him  a  lot  if  I  would 
write  the  letters  without  making  it  necessary  for  him 
to  dictate  them. 

In  justification  of  my  boast  to  O'Brien  that  I  would 
"  make  good,"  let  me  say  that  I  stayed  in  his  depart 
ment  all  the  time  I  was  at  the  yards,  and  this  is  the 


ME  147 

reference  he  gave  me  when  he  himself  left  to  take 
charge  of  the  New  York  office: 

To  Whom  it  may  Concern : 

This  is  to  certify  that  Miss  Nora  Ascough,  wko  has  been 
in  my  employ  for  the  past  few  months  as  stenographer  and 
typewriter,  is  an  A  No.  I  Crack-a-Jack. 

Smith  &  Co.     Per,   Fred  O'Brien,  Mgr. 

Some  one  once  said  of  me  that  I  owed  my  success  as 
a  writer  mainly  to  the  fact  that  I  used  my  sex  as  a 
means  to  help  me  climb.  That  is  partly  true  not  only 
in  the  case  of  my  writing,  but  of  my  work  as  a 
stenographer.  I  have  been  pushed  and  helped  by  men 
who  liked  me,  but  in  both  cases  I  made  good  after  I 
was  started. 

I  think  it  would  have  broken  my  heart  not  to  have 
"  made  good  "  to  Fred  O'Brien  after  he  had  trusted 
me  in  this  way.  This  man,  the  first  I  worked  for  in 
America,  was  probably  the  best  friend  I  ever  had  or 
will  have.  I  do  not  mean  so  much  while  I  worked 
for  him,  but  later  in  my  life. 

I  have  spoken  of  the  mild  sensation  I  made  as  I 
walked  down  that  main  aisle.  All  through  the  day, 
in  whatever  direction  I  looked,  I  encountered  inter 
ested  eyes  bent  upon  me.  Some  were  those  of  girls 
like  myself,  some  office  boys,  a  number  of  department 
managers,  and  nearly  all  the  clerks  in  my  vicinity. 
Some  craned  their  necks  to  get  a  glimpse  of  me,  some 
came  officiously  to  talk  to  O*Brien.  Thus  it  was  an 


i48  ME 

embarrassing  day  for  me,  especially  at  luncheon-hour, 
when  I  did  not  know  quite  what  to  do.  Then  a  girl 
from  another  department  came  over  and  asked  me  to 
go  to  luncheon  with  her.  She  said  that  her  "  boss," 
whose  name  was  Hermann,  and  who  was  a  chum  of 
O'Brien,  had  bade  her  look  out  for  me. 

She  pointed  Hermann  out  to  me  as  we  passed  along, 
and  he  seized  his  hat,  and  came  after  us;  but  as  he 
was  passing  our  department,  O'Brien  seized  him,  and, 
looking  back,  I  saw  them  both  laughing,  and  I  felt 
sure  O'Brien  was  telling  him  about  me. 

Hermann  was  about  twenty-five.  He  had  a  stiff 
thatch  of  yellow  hair  which  he  brushed  up  straight, 
and  which  stood  up  just  like  bristles  on  his  head.  He 
had  wide-awake  eyes,  and  looked  like  a  human  inter 
rogation-point,  dressed  very  dudishly,  and  flirted  right 
and  left  with  all  the  girls.  Though  born  in  America, 
and  wiry  and  active,  nevertheless  there  was  the  stamp 
of  "  Made  in  Germany  "  everywhere  upon  him.  Later 
in  the  afternoon  he  stuck  so  insistently  about  our  de 
partment  that  O'Brien  finally  introduced  us,  and  then 
said  with  a  grin : 

"  Now  clear  out.     You  got  what  you  wanted." 

Two  or  three  departments  to  the  left  of  me  I  had 
noticed  a  very  blond,  plumpish,  rather  good-looking 
young  man,  who  watched  me  unceasingly  throughout 
the  day,  but,  whenever  I  looked  at  him,  would  blush, 
just  like  a  girl,  and  look  down  and  fuss  with  papers 
oh  his  desk.  Well,  about  the  middle  of  the  after- 


ME  149 

noon,  and  while  O'Brien  was  away  from  the  depart 
ment,  a  boy  came  over  and  laid  a  note  on  my  desk. 
It  was  folded  ingeniously,  twisted  into  a  sort  of  bow- 
knot,  and  it  was  addressed,  "  Stenographer,  Soap 
Dept." 

I  thought  it  was  some  instruction  from  O'Brien, 
especially  as  the  boy  said : 

"Any  answer?" 

I  unfolded  the  note,  and  this  is  what  I  read : 

I  'm  stuck  on  you.    Will  you  keep  company  with  me  ? 

I  had  to  laugh,  though  I  knew  my  furiously  red 
swain  was  watching  me  anxiously. 

"  Any  answer?  "  again  asked  the  boy.  I  wrote  on 
a  piece  of  paper  the  one  word,  "  Maybe." 

People  who  have  called  me  clever,  talented,  etc., — 
oh,  all  women  writers  get  accused  of  such  things !  — 
have  not  really  reckoned  with  a  certain  weak  and  silly 
side  of  my  character.  If  as  I  proceed  with  this  chron 
icle  I  shock  you  with  the  ease  and  facility  with  which 
I  encouraged  and  accepted  and  became  constantly 
engaged  to  men,  please  set  it  down  to  the  fact  that  I 
always  felt  an  inability  to  hurt  by  refusing  any  one 
who  liked  me  enough  to  propose  to  me.  I  got  into 
lots  of  trouble  for  this, —  call  it  moral  lack  in  me, — 
but  I  could  not  help  it  at  the  time.  Why,  it 's  just 
the  same  way  that  I  once  felt  in  a  private  Catholic 
hospital,  and  little  Sister  Mary  Eulalia  tried  to  con 
vert  me.  Out  of  politeness  and  because  I  loved  her, 


150  ME 

I  was  within  an  ace  of  acknowledging  her  faith,  or  any 
other  faith  she  might  choose. 

If  you  could  have  seen  the  broad  smile  of  satisfac 
tion  that  wreathed  the  face  of  my  first  stock-yards 
"  mash,"  you,  in  my  place,  would  not  have  regretted 
that  little  crumb  of  hope  that  I  had  tossed  him.  Yet 
I  had  no  more  intention  of  "  keeping  company  "  with 
him  that  I  had  of  flying. 

It  pleases  me  much  to  record  that  on  this  my  first 
day  in  the  yards  I  received  three  "  mash  "  notes,  which 
one  of  the  girls  later  told  me  "  was  going  it  some  for 
fair." 

My  second  note  was  a  pressed  flower,  accompanied 
by  these  touching  lines: 

The  rose  is  red ;  the  violet 's  blue, 
Honey  's  sweet,  and  so  are  you  ! 
And  so  is  he,  who  sends  you  this, 
And  when  we  meet  we  '11  have  a  kiss. 

I  don't  know  who  sent  me  this,  but  I  suspected  an 
office  boy  in  a  neighboring  department. 

My  third  note  came  just  about  an  hour  before  leav 
ing.  It  was  from  Hermann,  and  in  a  sealed  envelop. 
It  was  as  follows : 

How  about  "Buffalo  Bill"  to-night? 

O'Brien  leaned  over  me  as  I  opened  the  note,  de 
liberately  took  it  from  me,  and  read  it.  As  he  did  so, 
Hermann  stealthily  pelted  him  with  tightly  chewed 


ME  151 

wads  of  paper,  though,  from  his  hunched-over  posi 
tion  at  his  desk,  no  one  would  have  suspected  who 
was  throwing  those  pellets.  I  saw  him,  however,  and 
he  winked  at  me  as  if  I  were  in  a  conspiracy  with  him, 
and  as  much  as  to  say : 

"  We  '11  fix  him." 

O'Brien,  his  cigar  moving  from  one  side  of  his 
mouth  to  the  other,  answered  the  note  for  me. 

"  Nothing  doing,"  was  his  laconic  response  to  Her 
mann's  invitation,  and  he  despatched  it  by  Red  Top. 
He  let  me  out  with  the  five-thirty  girls  instead  of  the 
six,  and  he  said : 

"  Now  step  lively,  and  if  you  let  Hermann  catch  up 
with  you,  I  '11  fire  you  in  the  morning." 

I  went  flying  down  the  aisle  with  my  heart  as  light 
as  a  feather.  Next  to  being  in  love,  there  is  nothing 
finer  in  the  world,  for  a  working-girl,  than  to  have  a 
good  "  job  "  and  to  know  that  some  one  is  "  stuck  " 
on  you. 


XV 

MY  type-writing  was  practised  under  difficulties, 
for  girls  kept  coming  in  and  out  of  my  room, 
and  Lolly,  who  was  there  nearly  every  evening,  taught 
me.  By  this  time  I  was  getting  acquainted  with  a 
great  many  of  the  girls  in  the  house,  and  for  some 
reason  or  other  I  was  popular.  The  "  good  "  girls 
wanted  me  to  join  this  or  that  Christian  Society  or 
Endeavor  Club,  and  the  "  bad  "  girls  —  alleged  by  the 
good  ones  to  be  bad  —  were  always  urging  me  to 
"  come  on  out  and  have  a  good  time." 

In  those  days  Lolly  was  my  chum.  We  were  al 
ways  together,  much  to  Estelle's  disgust.  Every 
evening  Lolly  would  come  into  my  room  unless  she 
had  an  engagement,  and,  heavens!  men  came  after 
Lolly  like  flies  to  the  honey-pot.  With  a  box  of  ciga 
rettes  and  a  magazine,  or  one  of  my  own  stories,  all 
of  which  she  was  revising  for  me,  she  would  curl  up 
on  my  bed  while  I  worked.  Sometimes  I  practised 
till  ten  o'clock,  when  the  lights  would  go  out. 

After  a  long,  if  not  hard,  day  in  the  yards  —  and 
even  if  one  did  not  work  at  all,  the  incessant  move 
ment  and  buzz  of  the  great  work  factory  was  ex 
hausting —  and  two  or  three  hours  of  type-writing 

152 


ME  153 

practice  at  night,  you  may  be  sure  I  was  pretty  tired 
when  finally  I  crept  into  bed. 

Then  for  some  time  thereafter  I  would  lie  wide 
awake.  Like  a  kaleidoscopic  panorama,  the  scenes 
of  my  day's  work  would  slide  in  and  out  of  my 
mind,  then  slowly  pass  away,  as  the  figures  in  a 
strange  dance.  Visions  would  then  come  to  me  — 
the  wavering,  quaint  persons  and  plots  of  the  stories 
I  would  write.  Dreams,  too,  came  of  the  days  when 
I  would  be  famous  and  rich,  and  all  my  dear  people 
would  be  lifted  up  from  want.  My  poems  would  be 
on  every  one's  tongue,  my  books  in  every  home.  And 
I  saw  myself  facing  a  great  audience,  and  bowing  in 
acknowledgment  of  their  praise  of  my  successful  play. 

A  few  years  later,  when  the  name  of  a  play  of 
mine  flashed  in  electric  letters  on  Broadway,  and  the 
city  was  papered  with  great  posters  of  the  play,  I 
went  up  and  down  before  that  electric  sign,  just  to 
see  if  I  could  call  up  even  one  of  the  fine  thrills  I  had 
felt  in  anticipation.  Alas !  I  was  aware  only  of  a  sad 
excitement,  a  sense  of  disappointment  and  despair.  I 
realized  that  what  as  an  ignorant  little  girl  I  had 
thought  was  fame  was  something  very  different. 
What  then  I  ardently  believed  to  be  the  divine  sparks 
of  genius,  I  now  perceived  to  be  nothing  but  a 
mediocre  talent  that  could  never  carry  me  far.  My 
success  was  founded  upon  a  cheap  and  popular  device, 
and  that  jumble  of  sentimental  moonshine  that  they 
called  my  play  seemed  to  me  the  pathetic  stamp  of 


i54  ME 

my  inefficiency.  Oh,  I  had  sold  my  birthright  for  a 
mess  of  potage! 

We  arrive  at  a  stage  of  philosophic  despair  when 
we  calmly  recognize  our  limitations;  but  long  before 
we  know  them,  what  wild  dreams  are  those  that  thrill, 
enthrall,  and  torment  us!  Well,  the  dreams  at  least 
were  well  worth  while. 

I  was  now  part  of  a  vast,  moving  world  of  work, 
and,  strangely  enough,  I  was,  in  a  way,  contented. 
It  takes  very  little  to  make  the  average  normal  girl 
contented.  Take  the  girls  who  worked  as  I  did. 
Given  fair  salaries  and  tolerable  conditions  under 
which  to  work,  they  were  for  the  most  part  light- 
hearted  and  happy.  You  had  only  to  look  at  groups 
of  them  about  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.  to  realize  that.  Not 
that  most  of  us  did  not  have  some  little  burden  to 
carry;  a  few  of  us  cherished  wistful  ambitions  be 
yond  our  sphere,  and  all  of  us,  I  think,  had  our  ro 
mances. 

In  the  yards  there  was  probably  one  girl  to  every 
three  or  four  hundred  men.  They  were  obliged  to 
pay  good  salaries,  moreover,  as  many  girls  hesitated 
to  go  away  out  there  to  work,  and  the  aristocrats  of 
our  profession  balked  at  the  sights  and  smells  of  the 
yards.  Anyhow,  the  firm  for  which  I  worked  treated 
us  well.  Special  busses  brought  us  to  and  from  the 
yards.  Excellent  dressing-rooms  and  luncheon- 
rooms  were  assigned  to  us,  and  we  were  always  treated 
with  courtesy. 


ME  155 

We  girls  were  all  appraised  when  we  entered,  and 
soon  afterwards  were  assigned  certain  places  in  the 
estimation  of  the  men  of  the  yards.  That  is  to  say, 
a  girl  was  "  good,"  "  bad,"  a  "  worker,"  a  "  frost,"  or 
a  "  peach." 

The  "good"  girls  were  treated  with  respect;  the 
"  bad  "  girls  made  "  dates  "  for  dinners  with  the  vari 
ous  "  bosses,"  had  fine  clothes,  jewels,  were  loud,  and 
had  privileges ;  the  "  frosts  "  were  given  a  wide  berth. 
They  \vere  the  girls  who  were  always  on  the  defensive 
with  the  men,  expecting  and  looking  for  insults  and 
taking  umbrage  on  the  slightest  provocation.  The 
"  workers  "  were  of  course  the  backbone  of  our  pro 
fession.  They  received  high  salaries  and  rose  to  po 
sitions  almost  as  good  as  the  men's.  Boys  and  men 
stepped  lively  for  them,  and  took  their  orders  unblink- 
ingly.  Finally,  the  title  of  "  peach "  was  bestowed 
upon  the  girls  whom  the  men  decided  were  pretty  and 
approved  of  in  other  ways.  If  one  was  in  the 
"  peach "  class,  she  was  persistently  courted  by  all 
well-meaning  or  bad-meaning  men  who  could  get  near 
her.  She  was  a  belle  of  the  yards. 

Under  which  head  I  came,  I  never  knew.  I  think  I 
was  the  strange  gosling  that  had  sprung  up  somehow 
in  this  nest,  and  no  one  knew  quite  where  I  should  be 
assigned.  There  was  a  wavering  disposition  at  first 
to  put  me  in  the  "  peach  "  class,  but  I  rather  think  I 
degenerated  within  a  few  weeks  to  the  "  worker " 
class,  for  Fred  O'Brien  early  acquired  the  habit  of 


156  ME 

leaving  most  of  the  details  of  our  department  entirely 
to  me. 

Twenty- four  men  asked  me  to  "  go  out  "  with  them 
the  first  week  I  was  there.  I  kept  a  note  of  this,  just 
to  amuse  myself  and  O'Brien,  who  was  vastly  inter 
ested  in  the  sensation  he  fatuously  believed  I  was  cre 
ating.  He  took  a  comical  pride  in  my  "  success  " ! 
Ah,  dear  Fred !  No  one,  not  even  I,  was  ever  prouder 
of  my  later  "  success  "  than  he.  Every  day  he  would 
ask  me,  "  Well,  who  's  asking  you  out  to-night  ?  "  and 
I  would  show  him  my  "  mash  "  notes,  most  of  which 
he  confiscated,  later,  I  suspect,  to  torment  their  au 
thors. 

The  men  out  here  did  not  ask  if  they  could  call 
upon  a  girl.  Their  way  of  becoming  better  ac 
quainted,  or  "  going  after  "  a  girl,  as  they  called  it, 
was  to  invite  her  to  "  go  out "  with  them,  meaning 
for  a  ride,  to  the  theaters,  the  parks,  restaurants,  or 
other  places  of  amusement.  I  never  "  went  out  "  with 
any  of  the  men  of  the  yards  except  O'Brien  and  Her 
mann,  who  had  been  acting  like  a  clown  for  my  spe 
cial  benefit  by  coming  over  to  our  department  every 
day,  and  talking  a  lot  of  nonsense,  telling  jokes,  and 
sending  me  countless  foolish  notes,  until  at  last  O'Brien 
took  pity  on  him,  and  said  they  would  call  upon  me 
one  night. 

That  was  an  illuminating  occasion.  "  Fellows " 
were  few  and  far  between  who  called  at  the  Y.  W. 
C.  A.,  and  every  girl  who  possessed  a  "  steady  "  was 


ME  157 

marked.  Whenever  a  new  "  fellow "  appeared 
there,  he  was  the  object  of  the  united  curiosity  of  a 
score  of  girls,  who  hung  about  the  halls  and  the  par 
lors  to  get  a  look  at  him. 

Now,  Hermann  called  upon  me  in  great  state.  Much 
to  my  surprise  and  Lolly's  hilarious  joy,  he  came  in 
silk  hat  and  frock  coat,  with  a  gold-topped  cane.  I 
hardly  knew  him,  when  I  descended  in  my  own  best, 
a  white  polka-dotted  Swiss  dress,  with  a  pink  sash, 
and  found  him  sitting  erect  and  with  evident  discom 
fort  on  the  edge  of  a  sofa  in  the  parlor,  the  admired 
target  of  a  score  of  eyes,  all  feminine.  He  was  mak 
ing  a  manful  effort  to  appear  at  his  ease,  and  unaware 
of  the  sensation  he  had  made.  Men  with  silk  hats, 
you  must  know,  do  not  call  every  day  upon  girls  at 
the  Y.  W.  C.  A.  It  was  plain  to  be  seen  that  the  poor 
fellow  was  suffering  a  species  of  delicious  torture. 
In  the  hall,  within  direct  sight  of  the  sofa,  Lolly  was 
leaning  against  the  wall,  and  looking  her  wickedest 
and  prettiest.  She  had  already  tormented  and  teased 
me  unmercifully  about  my  "  first  beau." 

Hermann  rose  gallantly  as  I  entered,  and  he  bowed, 
as  I  did  not  know  he  could  bow,  over  my  hand,  shak 
ing  it  in  the  then  approved  and  fashionable  high  man 
ner;  but  I  could  not  resist  a  little  giggle  as  I  heard 
Lolly  chokingly  cough  in  the  hall,  and  I  knew  she  was 
taking  it  all  in. 

"  O'Brien  's  waiting  for  us  outside,"  said  Hermann. 
"  Would  n't  come  in.  Acted  just  like  a  man  with  a 


158  ME 

sore  tooth.  Ever  seen  a  man  with  a  sore  tooth,  Miss 
Ascough  ?  " 

No,  I  had  never  had  that  pleasure,  I  told  him. 

"  Well,"  said  Hermann,  "  the  man  with  a  sore 
tooth  groans  all  day  and  night,  and  makes  every  one 
about  him  suffer.  Then  first  thing  in  the  A.  M.  he 
hikes  off  to  the  nearest  dentist.  He  gives  one  look  at 
the  sign  on  the  dentist's  door,  and  that 's  enough  for 
him :  he  's  cured.  Christian  Science,  you  see.  Now, 
that 's  how  it  is  with  O'Brien  to-night.  He  was  dead 
stuck  on  coming  along,  but  got  stage- fright  when  he 
saw  the  girls." 

"  You  were  n't  afraid  of  us,  were  you,  Mr.  Her 
mann  ?  "  said  I,  admiringly  and  flatteringly. 

"Me?  What,  me  afraid  of  girls?  Sa-ay,  I  like 
that!"  and  Hermann  laughed  at  the  idea  as  if  it 
amused  him  vastly.  "  Tell  you  what  you  do.  Get 
another  girl ;  there  's  a  peach  looking  in  at  us  now  — 
don't  look  up.  She 's  the  blonde,  with  the  teeth. 

What  do  you  say  to  our  all  going  over  to  the  S 

Gardens  for  a  lobster  supper,  huh  ?  " 

Now,  the  peach,  of  course,  was  Lolly,  who,  with 
her  dimples  all  abroad  and  her  fine  white  teeth  show 
ing,  was  plainly  on  view  at  the  door,  and  had  already 
worked  havoc  in  the  breast  of  the  sentimental  Her 
mann. 

O'Brien  did  n't  like  the  idea  of  the  S Gardens. 

He  said  it  was  "  too  swift  "  for  me,  though  he  brutally 
averred  it  might  do  for  Hermann  and  Lolly.  Lolly 


ME  159 

and  he  sparred  all  the  time,  just  as  did  Lolly  and  Es- 
telle.  He  said,  moreover,  that  it  would  not  do  at  all 
for  us  to  be  seen  together,  and  we  would  be  sure  to 

run  across  some  yards  people  at  the  S Gardens. 

If  he  were  seen  out  with  his  stenographer,  every 
tongue  in  the  office  would  be  wagging  about  it  next 
day. 

So  he  suggested  that  we  take  a  long  car  ride,  and 
get  off  at  L Park,  where  there  was  a  good  res 
taurant,  and  we  could  get  something  to  eat  and  drink 
there.  Fred  and  I  paired  off  together,  and  Hermann, 
who  had  been  utterly  won  away  from  me  by  Lolly, 
who  was  flirting  with  him  and  teasing  him  outrage 
ously,  brought  up  behind  us  as  we  started  for  the  cars. 
After  he  had  explained  to  me  why  we  should  not  be 
seen  together,  O'Brien  said,  with  an  air  of  great  care 
lessness  : 

"  Now,  look  a-here,  girl,  I  don't  want  you  to  get 
it  into  your  head  that  I  'm  stuck  on  you,  for  I  'm  not ; 
but  I  like  you,  and  if  you  don't  pull  my  leg  too  hard, 
I  '11  take  you  out  with  me  all  you  want." 

"  Pull  your  leg!  "  I  repeated,  shocked.  I  had  never 
heard  that  expression  before.  American  slang  was 
still  a  source  of  mystification,  delight,  and  wonder  to 
me.  Lolly  heard  my  horrified  exclamation,  and 
moved  up,  laughing  her  merriest. 

"  Limb  's  the  polite  term,"  she  corrected  Fred. 

"  Eh  ?  "  said  he.  Then  as  he  saw  I  did  not  really 
understand,  he  explained  to  me  what  he  meant. 


160  ME 

"Oh,"  said  I,  "you  needn't  worry  about  me.  If 
you  don't  believe  that  I  care  nothing  about  money, 
look  at  this." 

There  were  a  few  coins  in  my  pocketbook.  I 
poured  them  into  my  hand,  and  deliberately  and  im 
pulsively  I  tossed  them  out  into  the  road.  I  am  sure 
I  don't  know  why  I  did  such  a  senseless  thing  as  that. 
It  was  just  the  impulse  of  a  silly  moment. 

The  subjects  we  two  girls  and  boys  discussed  were 
varied  and  many,  but  always  by  persistent  degrees 
they  seemed  to  swing  back  to  the  yards,  wherein  of 
course  the  interests  of  our  escorts  naturally  centered. 
The  boys  entertained  us  with  tales  of  the  men  and 
even  cattle  of  this  "  city,"  as  they  called  it.  There 
was  a  black  sheep  called  "  Judas  Iscariot "  who  led 
the  other  sheep  to  slaughter,  and  was  always  rewarded 
with  a  special  piece  of  meat.  There  was  a  big  black 
pig  that  wandered  about  the  offices  of  a  neighboring 
firm,  and  was  the  mascot  of  that  office. 

There  was  a  man  who  had  been  born  in  the  yards, 
married  in  the  yards,  and  whose  heir  had  recently 
been  born  there.  And  so  forth. 

I  got  into  trouble  at  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.  for  the  first 
time  that  night.  We  had  forgotten  to  ask  permission 
to  be  out  after  ten,  and  it  was  after  eleven  by  the  time 
we  got  back.  The  door  girl  let  us  in,  but  took  our 
names,  and  we  were  reported  next  day.  I  was  let  off 
with  a  reprimand  from  the  secretary,  but  Lolly  had  a 
stormy  time  of  it  with  this  unpleasant  personage,  upon 


ME  161 

whom,  I  am  happy  to  say,  she  never  failed  to  inflict 
deserved  punishment.  It  seems  Lolly  was  an  old  of 
fender,  and  she  was  accused  of  "  leading  Miss  As- 
cough  astray."  I,  by  the  way,  was  now  in  high  favor 
with  the  secretary,  though  I  never  liked  her,  and  I 
never  forgave  her  for  that  first  day.  Also  I  had  seen 
many  girls  turned  away,  sometimes  because  they  did 
not  have  the  money  to  pay  in  advance,  and  sometimes 
because  they  had  no  references.  My  heart  used  to 
go  out  to  them,  as  with  drooping  shoulders  these  for 
lorn  little  waifs  who  had  applied  for  shelter  were 
turned  from  the  very  doors  that  should  have  opened 
for  them. 

That  night  as  we  felt  our  way  in  the  dark  through 
the  unlighted  halls  to  our  rooms,  Lolly,  swearing  audi 
bly  and  picturesquely,  said  she  was  "  darned  tired  " 
of  this  "  old  pious  prison,"  and  as  she  now  had  all 
the  "  dope  "  she  wanted  upon  the  place,  she  was  going 
to  get  out,  and  she  asked  me  to  go  with  her.  I  said 
that  I  would. 


XVI 

I  WORKED  for  five  weeks  in  the  stock-yards  be 
fore  I  could  make  up  the  deficit  in  my  hundred 
dollars  caused  by  those  first  three  weeks  of  idleness 
and  the  consequent  expenses  of  my  board.  I  am  very 
bad  at  figures.  I  still  calculate  with  my  fingers. 
Every  night,  however,  I  counted  my  little  hoard,  and 
I  had  it  all  reckoned  up  on  paper  how  soon  I  would 
have  that  hundred  intact  again. 

Out  of  my  fifteen  a  week  I  had  to  allow  five  dol 
lars  for  my  board,  and  so  much  for  luncheon,  car 
fare,  and  the  little  articles  I  added  to  my  wardrobe. 
I  used  about  eight  dollars  a  week  on  myself  and  I 
sent  home  two.  That  left  me  only  five  a  week,  and 
as  I  had  used  twenty-five  of  the  hundred  before  I  got 
my  position,  it  took  me  over  five  weeks  to  make  it  up. 
As  each  week  my  little  pile  grew  larger,  the  more  ex 
cited  I  became  in  anticipation  of  that  moment  when 
I  could  write! 

I  would  lie  awake  composing  the  wonderful  letter 
that  would  accompany  that  hundred  dollars,  but  when 
the  sixth  Saturday  (pay-day)  actually  came,  and  I 
had  at  last  the  money,  I  found  myself  unable  to  pen 
the  glowing  letter  of  my  dreams.  This  was  the  letter 

162 


ME  163 

I  finally  sent,  and  unless  he  read  between  the  lines, 
goodness  knows  it  was  a  model  of  businesslike  brevity, 
showing  the  undoubted  influence  of  the  Smith  &  Co. 
approved  type  of  correspondence : 

Y.  W.  C.  A. 

Chicago,  111.,  Aug.  8-19. 
Roger  Avery  Hamilton,  Esq. 

Dear  Sir: 

I  send  you  herewith  inclosed  the  sum  of  one  hundred  dol 
lars,  being  in  full  the  amount  recently  lent  by  you  to, 

Very  faithfully  yours, 

NORA  ASCOUGH. 

It  was  with  a  bursting  heart  that  I  folded  that  cold 
and  brief  epistle.  Then  I  laid  it  on  top  of  that  elo 
quent  pile  of  bills  — "  dirty  money."  Just  before  I 
did  up  the  package,  the  ache  within  me  grew  so  in 
tense  that  I  wrote  on  the  envelop: 

"  Please  come  to  see  me  now." 

I  made  a  tight  little  package  of  the  money  and  let 
ter,  and  I  sent  it  off  by  registered  mail.  I  knew  noth 
ing  about  post-office  orders  or  checks.  So  the  money 
went  to  him  just  like  that. 

Now  my  life  really  changed.  On  the  surface  things 
went  on  as  ever.  I  progressed  with  my  type-writing. 
I  "  made  good "  at  the  office.  The  routine  of  the 
daily  work  in  the  yards  was  brightened  by  various 
little  humorous  incidents  that  occurred  there.  For 
instance,  one  of  the  firm,  a  darling  old  man  of  seventy, 
took  a  great  fancy  to  me,  and  every  day  he  would 


164  ME 

come  down  the  main  aisle  of  the  office  with  a  fresh 
flower  in  his  hand,  and  lay  it  on  my  desk  as  he  passed. 
Not  bad  for  an  old  "pork-packer,"  was  it?  Every 
one  teased  me  about  him,  and  so  did  he  himself.  He 
called  me  "  black-eyes,"  and  said  I  was  his  "  girl." 
Other  men  gave  me  flowers,  too,  but  I  prized  that  one 
of  Mr.  Smith's  more  than  the  others.  Also  I  had 
enough  candy  given  to  me,  upon  my  word,  to  feed  me, 
and  I  could  have  "  gone  out "  every  night  in  the  week, 
had  I  wanted  to;  but,  as  I  have  said,  this  was  only 
part  of  my  life  now — my  outer  life.  The  life  that 
I  conjured  up  within  me  was  about  to  come  to  reality, 
and  no  one  knew  anything  about  it,  not  even  Lolly. 

She  had  been  very  much  engaged  in  "  educating  " 
Hermann,  who  was  madly  in  love  with  her.  Lolly 
accepted  his  adoration  with  amused  delight.  She 
considered  him  a  "  character,"  but  she  never  took  him 
seriously. 

As  the  days  passed  away,  the  fever  within  me  never 
waned.  Though  I  went  about  my  work  as  ever,  my 
mind  was  away,  and  I  was  like  one  whose  ear  is  to 
the  ground,  waiting,  waiting. 

But  he  did  not  come,  and  the  weeks  rolled  away, 
and  two  months  passed. 

One  night  a  man  from  Lolly's  home  came  to  call 
upon  her.  His  name  was  Marshall  Chambers.  He 
was  one  of  those  big-shouldered,  smooth-faced,  ath 
letic-looking  men  who  make  a  powerful  impression 
upon  girls.  According  to  Lolly,  he  was  a  wealthy 


ME  165 

banker  whom  she  had  known  during  her  father's  ad 
ministration  as  mayor  of  her  home  town.  I  knew 
as  soon  as  I  saw  them  together  that  my  poor  Lolly 
was  deeply  in  love  with  him,  and  I  felt  at  once  a  sense 
of  overwhelming  antagonism  and  dislike  toward  him. 
I  cannot  explain  this,  for  he  was  specially  attentive  to 
me,  and  although  Lolly  and  he  had  not  seen  each  other 
for  some  time,  he  insisted  that  I  should  accompany 
them  to  dinner  at  R 's. 

When  we  went  to  our  rooms  to  dress,  Lolly  asked 
me  what  I  thought  of  this  man,  and  I  said : 

"  I  like  Hermann  better.     He  's  honest." 

That  remark  in  ordinary  circumstances  would  have 
sent  Lolly  into  one  of  her  merry  peals  of  laughter, — 
she  always  laughed  about  Hermann, —  but  she  gave 
me  a  queer  look  now,  her  cigarette  suspended  in  her 
hand.  Her  face  was  flushed,  and  her  eyes  were  so 
brilliant  they  looked  like  turquoises. 

"  You  're  dead  right,"  she  said  solemnly. 

But  a  moment  later  she  was  her  old  self  again.  I 
was  putting  on  a  little  white  dress  when  Lolly  swung 
me  round  and  examined  me. 

"  Here,  you  can't  go  to  R 's  in  duds  like  these," 

she  said.  "  Wait  a  minute." 

She  disappeared  into  her  own  room,  and  came  back 
with  her  arms  full  of  dresses;  Lolly  had  beautiful 
clothes.  I  suppose  her  tailored  suits  would  have 
looked  ludicrous,  as  she  was  larger  than  I,  but 
a  little  cream-colored  chiffon  frock,  trimmed  with  pearl 


1 66  ME 

beads,  was  very  becoming  to  me.  She  also  lent  me 
an  evening  cap,  and  a  red  rose  (artificial)  for  my 
waist. 

"  Now  look  at  yourself,"  said  she,  "  and  after  this 
don't  let  me  catch  you  mooning  in  your  room  at  night. 
Get  out  and  show  yourself.  You  '11  only  be  young 
once." 

Lolly  was  in  blue,  the  color  of  her  eyes,  and  she 
looked,  as  always,  "  stunning."  Beside  her,  I  'm 
afraid,  I  appeared  very  insignificant,  for  Lolly  was  a 
real  beauty.  I  never  went  anywhere  with  her  but 
people  —  men  and  women,  too  —  would  stare  at  her, 
and  turn  around  for.  a  second  look.  People  stared  at 
me,  too,  but  in  a  different  sort  of  way,  as  if  I  inter 
ested  them  or  they  were  puzzled  to  know  my  nation 
ality.  I  would  have  given  anything  to  look  less  for 
eign.  My  darkness  marked  and  crushed  me,  I  who 
loved  blondness  like  the  sun. 

Mr.  Chambers  did  everything  very  splendidly.  He 
had  a  carriage  to  take  us  to  dinner,  and  he  was  ex 
tremely  gallant  in  his  manner  to  both  Lolly  and  me, 
just  as  attentive,  I  thought  wistfully,  as  if  we  were 
society  girls,  and  not  poor  girls  of  the  Y.  W.  C.  A. 
Lolly  and  he  talked  a  good  deal  in  an  undertone,  and 
although  they  did  not  ignore  me,  I  was  left  out  of  most 
of  their  conversation.  I  did  not  mind  this.  I  was 
happy  to  lean  back  in  that  carriage,  and  indulge  in  my 
own  fine  dreams. 

I  should  have  enjoyed  the  dinner  more  if  our  host 


ME  167 

had  been  some  one  other  than  this  man  Chambers.  He 
made  me  uncomfortable  and  secretly  angry  by  looking 
at  me  in  a  meaning  sort  of  way  when  Lolly  did  not 
see  him.  I  felt  as  if  he  were  trying  to  establish  some 
sort  of  intimacy  with  me  behind  Lolly's  back.  He 
sat  beside  Lolly,  and  I  opposite  them,  and  he  would 
lean  back  in  his  seat,  inclined  toward  Lolly,  and  over 
her  shoulder  he  would  make  his  bold  eyes  at  me.  No, 
I  did  not  like  that  man,  and  I  avoided  his  glances  as 
much  as  I  could.  But  Lolly,  my  poor  Lolly,  seemed 
infatuated  with  him,  and  all  her  pretty  banter  and 
chaff  had  departed.  She  scarcely  ate  anything,  but 
played  nervously  with  her  food,  and  she  would  look 
at  him  in  such  a  way  that  I  wanted  both  to  shake  her 
and  to  cry  for  her. 

But  this  is  my  story,  not  Lolly's,  though  hers  per 
haps  would  make  a  better  tale  than  mine. 

Chambers  said  he  could  tell  one's  fortune  from  one's 
palm,  and  that  he  would  like  to  see  mine.  Lolly  said : 

"  Nora  carries  her  fortune  in  her  head." 

"  And  you,"  I  said,  "  in  your  face." 

He  reached  over  the  table  for  my  hands,  and  Lolly 
said : 

"  Let  him,  Nora.  Sometimes  he  makes  pretty  good 
guesses." 

Chambers  began  to  reel  off  a  fine  fairy-story,  which 
he  said  was  to  be  my  fortune.  We  were  all  laughing, 
Lolly  leaning  over,  and  making  merry  and  mocking 
interpolations,  and  I  eagerly  drinking  in  every  word, 


1 68  ME 

and,  though  I  laughed,  believing  most  of  it,  when  sud 
denly  I  had  a  queer,  nervous  feeling  that  some  one 
other  than  ourselves  was  listening  to  us  and  was  watch 
ing  my  face.  There  is  something  in  telepathy.  I  was 
afraid  to  look  up,  and  my  heart  began  to  beat  in  a 
frightened  way,  for  I  knew,  even  before  I  had  turned 
my  head,  that  he  was  somewhere  there  in  the  room 
with  us.  And  then  I  saw  him  directly  behind  Mar 
shall  Chambers.  Their  chairs,  back  to  back,  were 
almost  touching,  but  he  had  turned  about  in  his  seat,  so 
that  he  was  looking  directly  at  me,  and  I  shall  never 
forget  the  expression  of  his  face.  It  was  as  though 
he  had  made  some  discovery  that  aroused  both  his 
amusement  and  contempt. 

What  had  I  done  that  he  should  look  at  me  like  that  ? 
I  wanted  to  go  to  him,  to  beg  him  to  speak  to  me ;  but 
some  one  with  him  —  a  woman,  I  think,  for  curiously 
enough,  I  was  capable  of  seeing  only  him,  and  noted 
not  at  all  his  companions  —  said  something  to  him, 
and  he  moved  his  chair  till  his  back  was  turned  toward 
me.  I  felt  like  some  dumb  thing  unjustly  punished. 

Lolly  said: 

"What's  the  matter,  Nora?  You  look  as  if  you 
had  seen  a  ghost." 

I  suppose  my  face  had  blanched,  for  I  was  shiver 
ing,  and  I  wanted  to  cover  my  face  with  my  hands 
and  to  cry  and  cry. 

"  Oh,  Lolly,"  I  said,  "  I  want  to  go  home!  " 

Chambers  took  me  by  the  arm,  and  we  passed,  like 


ME  169 

people  in  a  dream,  between  the  tables  —  ah !  past  where 
he  was  sitting,  and  out  into  the  street  and  then  home ! 

The  following  morning  I  was  passing  languidly  by 
the  secretary's  desk,  in  the  main  office,  when  she  called 
to  me : 

"  Miss  Ascough,  you  will  have  to  ask  your  men 
visitors  to  call  earlier  in  the  evening  if  they  wish  to 
see  you.  You  know  our  rules." 

"  My  men  visitors  ?  "  I  repeated  stupidly. 

"Yes,"  she  returned  sharply;  "a  gentleman  called 
here  last  night  at  nearly  nine-thirty.  Of  course  we 
refused  to  permit  him  to  see  you." 

"  Oh,"  I  said  faintly,  for  before  I  had  looked  at 
that  little  card  I  knew  who  had  at  last  come  to  see  me. 
I  went  out  with  his  card  held  blindly  in  my  hand,  and 
all  that  day,  whenever  my  work  paused  or  slackened, 
I  found  myself  vaguely  wondering  why  he  had  called 
so  late,  and  I  felt  a  dumb  sense  of  helpless  rage  to 
ward  that  hateful  secretary  who  had  turned  him  away. 


XVII 

LOLLY  came  flying  into  my  room  just  a  little  while 
before  eight  that  evening,  with  her  cheeks  red 
and  her  eyes  sparkling.  She  had  dined  down  town 
with  Marshall  Chambers,  and  they  had  come  back  to 
get  me  to  go  to  the  theater  with  them. 

"  Hurry  up,  Nora ! "  she  cried.  "  Get  dressed ! 
Marshall  has  seats  for  Sothern  and  Harned  in  '  The 
Sunken  Bell.'  " 

Up  to  this  time  I  had  never  been  inside  a  theater. 
I  had  come  to  America  in  late  May.  It  was  now  the 
beginning  of  September,  and  the  theaters  were  just 
opening.  Of  course  I  had  never  been  to  a  play  of 
any  sort  at  home,  except  some  little  church  affairs. 
So,  unhappy  as  I  was,  I  dressed  in  Lolly's  pretty 
chiffon  dress,  and  we  went  down  to  join  Mr.  Cham 
bers,  who  was  waiting  for  us  in  the  parlor.  On  the 
way  down  in  the  elevator,  Lolly  had  handed  me  a 
number  of  advertisements  of  rooms  and  flats  that  she 
had  cut  from  the  papers,  and  while  she  was  drawing 
on  her  gloves  in  the  lower  hall  and  I  was  glancing 
through  these,  a  page  called  my  name,  and  said  a  gen 
tleman  was  waiting  for  me  inside. 

As  I  went  into  the  parlor,  Marshall  Chambers  stood 
up,  held  out  his  hand,  and  said  something  to  me;  but 

170 


ME  171 

I  scarcely  saw  him,  and  I  know  I  did  not  answer  him. 
I  saw,  in  fact,  nothing  in  the  world  save  Roger  Ham 
ilton,  who  had  come  across  the  room  to  me,  and,  with 
an  odd  air  almost  of  proprietorship,  had  taken  me 
quietly  from  Chambers. 

Without  saying  a  word  to  each  other,  we  sat  for 
some  time  in  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.,  with  girls  coming  and 
going.  I  glanced  only  once  at  his  face,  and  then  I 
looked  away,  for  I  could  not  bear  his  expression.  It 
was  like  that  of  the  previous  night.  It  was  as  if  he 
examined  me  critically,  cruelly,  not  only  my  face,  but 
even  my  clothes  and  my  gloved  hands.  Presently  he 
said  in  a  low  voice: 

"  There  are  too  many  people  here.  We  shall  have 
to  go  out  somewhere." 

I  found  myself  walking  with  him  down  Michigan 
Avenue.  We  said  nothing  as  we  walked,  but  pres 
ently  we  came  to  a  little  park,  and  found  a  bench 
facing  the  lake,  and  there  we  sat,  I  staring  out  at  the 
water,  and  he  looking  at  me.  After  a  while  he  said: 

"  Who  was  your  friend  of  last  night?" 

I  said: 

"  Her  name  is  Lolly  Hope." 

"  I  mean  the  man." 

"  He  is  her  friend,"  I  said.  "  I  never  met  him  till 
last  night." 

It  was  pretty  dark,  and  I  could  not  see  his  face,  but 
insensibly  I  felt  him  lean  toward  me  to  look  at  mine ; 
and  then  he  said  in  a  low  voice: 


172  ME 

"Are  you  sure  of  that?" 

"  Why,  yes,"  I  said.  "  I  don't  know  the  man  at 
all.  Did  you  think  that  I  did?  "  He  did  not  answer 
me,  and  I  added,  "  Was  it  because  of  him  you  did  not 
speak  to  me  last  night  ?  " 

"  I  did  bow  to  you,"  he  said,  and  then  added  re 
luctantly,  "  though  I  can't  say  I  admired  the  looks  of 
your  party." 

I  said: 

"  I  did  n't  even  see  the  people  with  you,  and  it 
would  n't  have  made  any  difference  to  me  who  they 
were." 

He  put  his  arm  along  the  back  of  the  bench  behind 
me,  but  not  touching  me. 

"  Where  did  you  get  the  clothes  you  had  on  —  the 
dress  you're  wearing  now?"  he  asked  in  a  strained 
voice. 

"  Lolly  lent  them  to  me,"  I  said.  "  She  said  mine 
were  not  fine  enough." 

After  a  pause  he  moved  nearer  to  me,  and  I  thought 
he  was  going  to  put  his  arm  about  me,  but  he  did  not. 
He  said  in  a  low  voice : 

'*  You  can  have  all  the  fine  clothes  you  want." 

"I  wish  I  could,"  I  returned,  sighing;  "but  one 
can't  dress  very  beautifully  on  the  salary  I  get." 

"  What  do  you  get  ? "  he  asked,  and  I  told  him. 
Then  he  wanted  me  to  tell  him  all  about  myself  — 
just  what  I  had  been  doing,  whom  I  had  met,  what 
men,  and  to  leave  out  nothing.  I  don't  know  why, 


ME  173 

but  he  seemed  to  think  something  extraordinary  had 
happened  to  me,  for  he  repeated  several  times: 

"  Tell  me  everything,  every  detail.  I  want  to 
know." 

So  I  did. 

I  told  him  of  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.  woman  who  had 
met  me;  of  my  failure  with  the  newspaper  offices;  of 
my  long  hunt  for  work;  of  the  insults  and  propositions 
men  had  made  to  me;  of  my  work  at  the  yards;  and  of 
O'Brien,  my  "  boss,"  who  had  taken  me  on  trust  and 
had  been  so  good  to  me. 

He  never  interrupted  me  once,  nor  asked  me  a  single 
question,  but  let  me  tell  him  everything  in  my  own 
way.  Then  when  I  was  through,  he  took  his  arm 
down,  put  his  hands  together,  and  leaned  over,  with 
his  elbows  on  his  knees,  staring  out  before  him.  After 
a  while  he  said : 

"  Do  you  mean  to  tell  me  you  like  living  at  this  — 
er  —  Y.  W.  C.  A.  ?  " 

I  nodded. 

"  And  you  are  contented  to  work  at  the  Union  Stock 
Yards?" 

"  No,  I  don't  say  that;  but  it 's  a  stepping-stone  to 
better  things,  don't  you  see?  It 's  a  living  for  me  for 
the  present,  and  perhaps  by  and  by  I  '11  sell  some  of 
my  poems  and  stories,  and  then  I  '11  be  able  to  leave 
the  yards." 

He  turned  sharply  in  his  seat,  and  I  felt  him  staring 
at  me. 


174  ME 

"  When  on  earth  do  you  get  time  to  write,  if  you 
work  all  day  from  nine  till  five-thirty?  " 

"  Sometimes  I  get  up  very  early,"  I  said,  "  at  five 
or  six,  and  then  I  write  a  bit;  and  unless  the  girls 
bother  me  at  night,  I  have  a  chance  then,  too,  though 
I  wish  the  lights  did  n't  go  out  at  ten." 

"  But  you  will  kill  yourself  working  in  that  way." 

"  No,  I  won't,"  I  declared  eagerly.  "  I  'm  awfully 
strong,  and,  then,  writing  isn't  work,  don't  you  see? 
It 's  a  real  pleasure,  after  what  I  Ve  had  to  do  all  day, 
really  it  is,  a  sort  of  balm  almost." 

"  But  you  can't  keep  that  up.  I  don't  want  you  to. 
I  want  you  to  go  to  school,  to  begin  all  over  again. 
If  you  can,  you  must  forget  these  days.  I  want  you 
to  blot  them  out  from  your  mind  altogether." 

I  thought  of  that  question  he  had  asked  me  on  the 
train  when  I  had  read  to  him  my  poem :  "  Would  n't 
you  like  to  go  to  school  ?  "  Now,  indeed,  neither  my 
pride  nor  my  vanity  was  piqued.  I  could  even  smile 
at  his  tone  of  authority.  He  was  so  sure  I  would 
obey  him;  but  I  was  not  going  to  let  him  do  anything 
in  the  world  for  me  unless  he  could  say  to  me  what 
I  was  able  to  say  to  him. 

"  Well?"  after  a  moment  he  prompted  me. 

"  No,  Mr.  Hamilton,"  I  said,  "  I  am  not  going  to 
school.  I  cannot  afford  to." 

"  I  will  send  you,"  he  said. 

:<  You  cannot  do  that  if  I  refuse  to  go." 

"  Why  should  you  refuse?  "  he  said. 


ME  175 

"  Because  it  would  cost  you  money  —  dirty  money," 
I  said. 

"  Nonsense !  "  He  said  that  angrily  now.  "  I 
want  you  to  go." 

"  Thank  you ;  but,  nevertheless,  I  am  not  going." 

He  sat  up  stiffly,  and  I  could  feel  his  frown  upon 
me.  He  shot  out  his  words  at  me  as  if  he  wished 
each  one  to  hit  me  hard : 

"  You  are  an  ignorant,  untrained,  undisciplined  girl. 
If  you  wish  to  accomplish  the  big  things  you  plan,  you 
will  have  to  be  educated.  Here  is  your  chance." 

"  I  'm  sorry,  but  I  '11  have  to  get  along  the  best  way 
I  can." 

"  You  are  stubborn,  pig-headed,  foolish.  Don't 
you  want  to  be  educated  ?  Are  you  satisfied  with  your 
present  illiterate  condition?" 

"  I  can't  afford  to  be,"  I  said. 

"  But  if  I  am  willing  — " 

I  broke  in: 

"  I  took  nearly  six  weeks  to  earn  the  money  to  pay 
you  back.  I  told  you  I  'd  never  take  another  cent 
from  you,  and  I  never  will." 

"Why  not?" 

"  Because  I  want  you  to  know  that  I  care  nothing, 
nothing  at  all  —  nothing,  nothing,  about  your  money, 
that  you  said  every  one  else  wanted.  /  only  care  for 
you.  I  do." 

I  had  run  along  headlong  with  my  speech,  and  now 
I  was  afraid  of  what  I  had  said. 


176  ME 

He  did  not  say  a  word  after  that,  and  presently  I 
added  shakily : 

"  Don't  you  see  that  I  can't  let  you  help  me  again 
unless  you  care  for  me  as  I  do  for  you?  Don't  you 
see  that?" 

He  poked  at  the  gravel  with  his  cane,  and  after  a 
moment  he  said  very  gently : 

"  I  see  that  you  are  a  very  foolish  little  girl." 

"  You  mean  because  I  —  care  for  you?  "  I  asked. 

"  Because  you  've  made  yourself  believe  you  do," 
he  said. 

"I  do,"  I  said  earnestly.  "I  haven't  thought  of 
anything  else  except  you." 

"  Nonsense !  You  must  n't  get  sentimental  about 
me.  Let 's  talk  of  something  else.  Have  you  been 
writing  anything  lately  ?  " 

I  told  him  of  the  stories  I  was  writing  about  my 
mother's  land,  and  he  said: 

"  But  you  Ve  never  been  there,  child." 

"  I  know,"  I  said ;  "  but,  then,  I  have  an  instinctive 
feeling  about  that  country.  A  blind  man  can  find  his 
way  over  paths  that  he  intuitively  feels.  And  so  with 
me.  I  feel  as  if  I  knew  everything  about  that  land, 
and  when  I  sit  down  to  write  —  why,  things  just 
come  pouring  to  me,  and  I  can  write  anything  then." 

I  could  feel  his  slow  smile,  and  then  he  said : 

"  I  believe  you  can.  I  don't  doubt  that  you  will 
accomplish  all  that  you  hope  to.  You  are  a  wonderful 
girl." 


ME  177 

He  stood  up,  and  held  out  his  hand  to  help  me,  say 
ing  we  had  better  be  returning  now,  as  he  expected  to 
take  a  train  at  eleven.  My  heart  sank  to  think  that 
his  visit  was  to  be  so  short,  and  I  felt  a  passionate  re 
gret  that  there  was  nothing  I  could  do  or  say  that 
would  keep  him  longer. 

As  we  were  walking  down  the  avenue,  he  put  the 
hand  nearest  me  behind  his  back,  and  with  the  other 
swung  his  cane  slightly.  He  seemed  to  be  thinking 
all  the  time. 

I  asked  him  whether  he  was  going  to  come  and  see 
me  again,  and  he  said  quickly : 

"  If  you  do  what  I  tell  you." 

"You  mean  about  the  school?"  I  asked. 

"  No-o.  We'll  let  that  go  for  the  present;  but 
you  've  got  to  get  out  of  both  that  er  —  institution  — " 

"The  Y.  W.  C.  A.?"  I  queried,  surprised. 

"  Yes,  your  precious  Y.  W.  C.  A." 

He  was  talking  in  a  low  and  rather  guarded  voice, 
as  if  anxious  that  no  one  passing  should  hear  us. 

"  I  want  you  to  get  bright,  pretty  rooms.  You  '11 
feel  better  and  work  better  in  attractive  surroundings." 

"  I  did  intend  to  move,  anyway,"  I  said.  "  Lolly 
and  I  were  planning  to  look  for  rooms  to-morrow." 

He  said  quickly: 

"  I  would  n't  go  with  her.  Get  a  place  of  your 
own." 

"  Well,  but,  you  see,  together  we  can  get  a  better 
room  for  less  money,"  I  explained. 


178  ME 

He  made  an  impatient  sound,  as  if  the  discussion 
of  expense  provoked  him. 

"  Get  as  nice  a  place  as  you  can,  child,"  he  said, 
and  added  growlingly,  "If  you  don't,  I  '11  not  come  to 
see  you  at  all." 

"  All  right,"  I  said;  "  I  '11  get  a  nice  place." 

"  And  now  about  your  position  — " 

"  It 's  not  bad,"  I  asseverated.  "  Fred  's  awfully 
good  to  me." 

"Fred?" 

"Yes;  he's  my  boss  —  Fred  O'Brien." 

"You  call  him  Fred?" 

"  Yes ;  every  one  does  at  the  yards." 

"  Humph !  I  think  it  would  be  an  excellent  plan 
for  you  to  leave  those  yards  just  about  as  expedi- 
tiously  as  you  can." 

"  But  I  can't.  Why,  I  might  not  be  able  to  get  an 
other  position.  Just  look  how  I  tramped  about  for 
weeks  before  I  got  that." 

He  stopped  abruptly  in  the  street. 

"  Don't  you  know,  if  you  stay  in  a  place  like  that, 
every  bit  of  poetry  and  —  er  —  charm  —  and  fineness 
in  you,  and  every  other  worth-while  quality  that  you 
possess,  will  be  literally  beaten  out  of  you?  Why, 
that  is  no  place  for  a  girl  like  you.  Now  you  get  a 
pretty  room  —  several,  if  you  wish  —  and  then  go  to 
work  and  write  —  write  your  poetry  and  stories  and 
anything  you  want." 

"  But,  Mr.  Hamilton,  I  can't  afford  to  do  that." 


ME  179 

He  switched  his  cane  with  a  sort  of  savage  impa 
tience. 

"  Nonsense !  "  he  said.  "  You  can  afford  to  have 
anything  you  want.  I  '11  give  you  anything  —  any 
thing  you  want." 

He  repeated  this  sweepingly,  almost  angrily,  and 
after  a  moment  I  said : 

"  Well,  why  should  you  do  this  for  me?  " 

I  was  saying  to  myself  that  I  would  let  him  do 
anything  for  me  if  he  did  it  because  he  cared  for  me. 
If  not,  I  could  take  nothing  from  him.  I  waited  in 
a  sort  of  agony  for  his  answer.  It  came  slowly,  as  if 
he  were  carefully  choosing  his  words : 

"  I  want  to  do  it,"  he  said,  "  because  I  am  interested 
in  you;  because  it  pleases  me  to  help  a  girl  like  you; 
because  I  believe  you  are,  as  I  have  said,  a  wonderful 
girl,  an  exceptionally  gifted  girl,  and  I  want  to  give 
you  a  chance  to  prove  it." 

"  Oh !  "  I  tried  to  speak  lightly,  but  I  wanted  to  sob. 
His  belief  in  my  talent  gave  me  no  pride.  I  vastly  pre 
ferred  him  to  care  for  me  personally.  "  Thank  you," 
I  said,  "  but  I  can't  let  you  give  me  a  room  and  sup 
port  me  any  more  than  I  can  let  you  send  me  to 
school." 

We  had  now  reached  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.  I  could  see 
the  door  girl  watching  us  through  the  glass.  It  was 
after  ten,  and  I  had  to  go  in.  I  held  out  my  hand, 
and  he  took  it  reluctantly  and  immediately  let  it  go. 
His  manner  plainly  showed  that  I  had  offended  him. 


i8o  ME 

"  Don't  think,"  I  said,  "  because  I  can't  let  you  help 
me  that  I  'm  not  grateful  to  you,  for  I  am." 

"  Gratitude  be  damned !  "  he  said. 

Estelle  and  I  had  a  little  stock  of  candles,  and  when 
the  lights  went  out  before  we  were  in  bed,  we  used 
to  light  one.  I  had  trouble  finding  one  in  the  dark 
that  night,  and  I  tripped  over  the  rocking-chair  and 
hurt  my  ankle.  Estelle  sat  up  in  petulant  wrath. 

"  Say,  what 's  biting  you  lately,  anyhow  ?  "  she  de 
manded.  "Getting  gay  in  your  old  age,  are  you?" 
she  inquired. 

"  You  shut  up !  "  I  said  crossly,  nursing  my  ankle. 
"  I  believe  you  hide  those  candles,  anyway." 

"  I  sure  do,"  retorted  Estelle.  "If  you  think  I  'm 
going  to  let  your  swell  friend  burn  my  little  glimmers, 
you  've  got  one  more  guess  coming." 

By  my  "swell  friend"  she  meant  Lolly. 

She  got  out  of  bed,  however,  felt  under  the  bureau, 
and  produced  and  lighted  a  candle.  Then  she  exam 
ined  and  rubbed  my  ankle,  and,  grumbling  and  mut 
tering  things  about  Lolly,  helped  me  undress  and  into 
bed.  When  I  supposed  she  had  dropped  off  asleep, 
she  sat  up  suddenly  in  bed. 

"  Say,  I  'd  like  to  ask  you  something.  Have  you 
got  a  steady?"  she  said. 

"No,  Estelle;  I  wish  I  had,"  I  replied  mournfully. 

"  Well,"  said  Estelle,  "  you  sure  are  going  the  way 
about  nit  to  get  one.  You  let  them  swell  guys  alone 
that  come  nosing  around  you.  Say,  do  you  know  / 


ME  181 

thought  you  were  in  for  a  nice,  steady  fellow 
when  I  seen  Pop-eyes  " —  Pop-eyes  was  her  term  for 
Hermann  — "  hanging  round  here.  Then  I  seen  Miss 
Hope  " —  with  a  sneer  — "  had  cut  you  out.  Say,  I  'd 
'a'  like'  to  have  handed  her  one  for  that.  .Who  was 
the  swell  took  you  out  last  night  ?  " 

"  His  name  's  Chambers.     He  's  Lolly's  friend." 

"  And  who  was  the  man  to  see  you  to-night  ? 
Looked  to  me  as  if  he  were  stuck  on  you." 

I  sat  up  in  bed  excitedly. 

"Oh,  Estelle,  did  it?" 

"  Humph !  I  was  right  there  next  to  you,  on  the 
next  sofa  with  Albert,  but,  gee !  you  did  n't  see  noth 
ing  but  him,  and  he  was  looking  at  you  like  he  'd  eat 
you  up  if  you  give  him  half  a  chance." 

I  sighed. 

"  I  gave  him  a  chance  all  right,"  I  said  mourn 
fully. 

"And  nothing  doing?"  asked  Estelle,  sympathet 
ically. 

"  No  —  nothing  doing,  Estelle,"  I  said. 

"Well,  what  do  you  care?"  said  my  room-mate, 
determined  to  comfort  me.  "  Say,  what  does  any 
girl  want  with  an  old  grand-pop  like  him,  anyway?" 

I  laughed,  I  don't  know  why.  Somehow,  I  was  glad 
that  Mr.  Hamilton  was  old.  Oh,  yes,  forty  seems  old 
to  seventeen. 


XVIII 

I  DON'T  know  whether  it  was  the  effect  of  Mr. 
Hamilton's  visit  or  not,  but  I  was  not  so  con 
tented  after  that.  Things  about  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.  that 
I  had  not  noticed  before  now  irritated  me. 

A  great  many  unjust  requirements  were  made  of 
the  girls.  It  was  not  fair  to  make  us  attend  certain 
sermons.  Goodness  knows,  we  were  tired  enough 
when  we  got  home,  and  most  of  us  just  wanted  to  go  to 
our  rooms;  and  if  we  did  desire  entertainment  or  re 
laxation,  we  wanted  to  choose  it  for  ourselves.  I  be 
lieve  some  of  these  old  rules  are  not  enforced  to-day. 

Then  that  ten  o'clock  rule !  Really  it  was  a  shame ! 
Just  fancy  writing  feverishly  upon  some  beautiful  (to 
me  it  was  beautiful)  story  or  poem,  and  all  of  a  sud 
den  the  lights  going  out!  That  was  maddening,  and 
sometimes  I  swore  as  Lolly  did,  and  I  cried  once  when 
I  had  reached  a  place  in  my  story  that  I  simply  had 
to  finish,  and  I  tried  to  do  it  in  the  dark. 

So  I  was  determined  to  move,  and  Lolly  went  about 
looking  for  rooms  for  us.  I  told  her  I  'd  like  any 
thing  she  got. 

Meanwhile  life  in  the  yards  began  to  "  get  upon  my 
nerves."  I  never  before  knew  that  I  had  nerves;  but 

182 


ME  183 

I  knew  it  now.  No  one,  not  even  a  girl  of  the 
abounding  health  and  spirits  I  then  enjoyed,  could 
work  eight  hours  a  day  at  a  type-writer  and  two  or 
three  hours  writing  at  night,  and  be  in  love  besides, 
and  not  feel  some  sort  of  strain. 

And  I  was  in  love.  I  don't  suppose  any  girl  was 
ever  more  utterly  and  hopelessly  in  love  than  I  was 
then.  No  matter  what  I  was  doing  or  where  I  was, — 
even  when  I  wrote  my  stories, —  he  was  always  back 
there  in  my  mind.  It  was  almost  as  though  he  had 
hypnotized  me. 

Loving  is,  I  suppose,  a  sort  of  bliss.  One  can  get 
a  certain  amount  of  real  joy  and  excitement  out  of 
loving;  but  it's  pretty  woeful  when  one  must  love 
alone,  and  that  was  my  case.  You  see,  though  I 
knew  I  had  made  a  kind  of  impression  upon  Mr.  Ham 
ilton,  or,  as  he  himself  put  it,  he  was  "  interested  "  in 
me,  still  he  certainly  was  not  in  love  with  me,  and  I 
had  little  or  no  hope  now  of  making  him  care  for  me. 

I  realized  that  he  belonged  to  a  different  social 
sphere.  He  was  a  rich,  powerful  man,  of  one  of  the 
greatest  families  in  America,  and  I  —  I  was  a  work 
ing-girl,  a  stenographer  of  the  stock-yards.  Only  in 
novels  or  a  few  sensational  newspaper  stories  did  mil 
lionaires  fall  in  love  with  and  marry  poor,  ignorant 
working-girls,  and  then  the  working-girl  was  sure  to 
be  a  beauty.  I  was  not  a  beauty.  Some  people  said 
I  was  pretty,  but  I  don't  think  I  was  even  that.  I  had 
simply  the  fresh  prettiness  that  goes  hand  in  hand 


1 84  ME 

with  youth,  and  youth  gallops  away  from  us  like  a  race 
horse,  eager  to  reach  the  final  goal.  No,  I  was  not 
pretty.  I  looked  odd,  and  when  I  began  to  wear  fine 
clothes,  I  must  have  appeared  very  well,  for  I  had  all 
sorts  of  compliments  paid  to  me.  I  was  told  that  I 
looked  picturesque,  interesting,  fascinating,  distin 
guished,  lovely,  and  even  more  flattering  things  that 
were  not  true.  It  showed  what  clothes  will  do. 

I  was  not,  however,  wearing  fine  clothes  at  this 
time.  My  clothes  were  of  the  simplest  —  sailor  shirt 
waist,  navy-blue  cloth  skirt,  and  a  blue  sailor  hat  with 
a  rolled-up  brim.  That  was  how  I  dressed  until  the 
night  Lolly  lent  me  some  of  her  finery. 

My  only  hope  lay  in  pulling  myself  up  by  my  tal 
ent.  If  I  achieved  fame,  that,  perhaps,  I  felt,  would 
put  me  on  a  level  with  this  man.  But  fame  seemed 
as  elusive  and  as  far  away  as  the  stars  above  me. 

Then,  his  insistence  that  I  should  be  educated  and 
his  statement  that  I  was  illiterate  made  me  pause  in 
my  thought  to  take  reckoning  of  myself.  If,  indeed, 
my  ignorance  was  so  patent  that  it  was  revealed  in  my 
mere  speech,  how,  then,  could  I  hope  to  achieve  any 
thing?  I  felt  very  badly  about  that,  and  when  I  read 
over  some  of  my  beloved  poems,  instead  of  their  giv 
ing  me  the  former  pride  and  delight,  I  felt,  instead,  a 
deep-seated  grief  and  dissatisfaction,  so  that  I  tore 
them  up,  and  then  wept  just  as  if  I  had  destroyed  some 
living  thing. 

Yes,  I  was  very  unhappy.     I  kept  at  my  work,  doing 


ME  185 

it  efficiently;  but  the  place  now  appeared  hideous  and 
abhorrent  to  me,  and  every  day  I  asked  myself : 

"  How  much  longer  can  I  bear  it?" 

I  remember  leaving  my  desk  one  day,  going  to  the 
girls'  dressing-room,  and  just  sitting  down  alone  and 
crying,  without  knowing  just  what  I  was  crying  about 
-  I  who  cried  so  little ! 

I  suppose  things  would  have  gone  from  bad  to 
worse  for  me  but  for  two  things  that  happened  to  dis 
tract  me. 

We  moved,  Lolly  and  I.  I  can't  say  that  our  rooms 
were  as  attractive  and  clean-looking  as  the  ones  we 
had  at  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.,  and  of  course  they  cost  more. 
Still,  they  were  not  bad.  We  had  two  small  rooms. 
Originally  one  large  room,  a  partition  had  made  it  into 
two.  By  putting  a  couch  in  the  outer  room,  we  made 
a  sitting-room,  and  were  allowed  to  have  our  com 
pany  there.  Whichever  one  was  up  the  last  with  com 
pany  was  to  sleep  on  the  couch. 

Lolly  made  the  rooms  very  attractive  by  putting 
pretty  covers  over  the  couch  and  table,  and  college 
flags  that  some  men  gave  her  on  the  wall,  with  a  lot 
of  pictures  and  photographs.  The  place  looked  very 
cozy,  especially  at  night,  but  somehow  I  missed  the 
cleanly  order  of  my  room  of  the  Y.  W.  C.  A. 

I  wrote  a  letter  to  Mr.  Hamilton  and  gave  him  our 
new  address.  I  could  not  resist  telling  him  that  I 
had  been  very  unhappy;  that  I  realized  he  was  right, 
and  that  I  could  never  go  very  far  when  my  equipment 


i86  ME 

in  life  was  so  pitifully  small.  However,  I  added  hope 
fully  that  I  intended  to  read  a  lot  that  winter,  and  that 
Lolly  and  I  were  going  to  join  the  library.  I  could 
take  a  book  with  me  to  work.  There  were  many  in 
tervals  during  the  day  when  I  could  read  if  I  wished 
to ;  in  the  luncheon  hour,  for  instance,  and  on  the  cars 
going  to  and  from  work.  One  could  always  snatch  a 
moment.  Did  n't  he  think  I  would  improve  myself 
much  by  reading? 

He  did  not  answer  me,  but  a  few  days  later  three 
large  boxes  of  books  came  to  the  house  for  me. 

Lolly  and  I  were  overjoyed.  We  had  a  great  time 
getting  shelves  for  the  books  and  setting  them  up.  We 
had  Balzac,  Dumas,  Flaubert,  Gautier,  Maupassant, 
Carlyle's  "  French  Revolution,"  and  the  standard 
works  of  the  English  authors.  Also  we  had  the  En 
cyclopaedia  Britannica.  I  was  so  happy  about  those 
books  that  my  depression  dropped  from  me  in  a  mo 
ment.  I  felt  that  if  my  little  arms  could  have  em 
braced  the  world,  I  should  have  encircled  it.  It  was 
not  merely  the  delight  of  possessing  books  for  the 
first  time  in  my  life,  but  because  he  had  chosen  and 
sent  them  to  me. 

The  second  thing  that  came  up  to  divert  me  from 
a  tendency  to  melancholia  at  this  time  happened  at  the 
yards  immediately  after  that. 

One  day  O'Brien  did  not  come  to  work  till  about 
five  in  the  afternoon.  As  soon  as  he  came  in  I  no 
ticed  that  there  was  something  wrong  with  him.  His 


ME  187 

hat  was  tipped  over  one  eye,  and  his  mouth  had  a 
crooked  slant  as  he  moved  his  cigar  from  side  to  side. 
Without  noticing  me,  he  took  his  seat,  and  slightly 
turned  his  back  toward  me.  I  chanced  just  then  to 
catch  Hermann's  eye.  He  made  a  sign  to  me.  I 
could  not  understand  at  first  what  he  meant  till  he 
lifted  an  empty  glass  from  his  desk,  held  it  to  his 
lips,  and  then  pretended  to  drain  it.  Then  I  knew : 
Fred  had  been  drinking. 

I  suppose  I  ought  not  to  have  spoken  to  a  man  in 
his  condition,  but  I  think  for  the  first  time  in  my  life 
there  swept  over  me  a  great  wave  of  maternal  feeling 
toward  this  big  uncouth  boy  who  had  been  so  good  to 
me.  I  said : 

"Fred!" 

He  turned  around  slightly,  and  looked  at  me  through 
bleary  eyes.  His  lips  were  dirty  and  stained  with 
tobacco,  and  the  odor  that  came  from  him  made  me 
feel  ill.  His  voice,  however,  was  steady,  and  he  had 
it  under  control. 

"  Nora,"  he  said,  "  I  'm  soused." 

"  You  'd  better  go  home,"  I  whispered,  for  I  was 
afraid  he  would  get  into  trouble  if  one  of  the  firm 
were  to  see  him.  "  I  '11  finish  your  work  for  you.  I 
know  just  how." 

"  I  'm  not  going  home  till  you  do,"  said  Fred. 
"  I  'm  going  with  you.  You'll  take  care  of  me,  won't 
you,  Nora?" 

"  O  Fred,"  I  said,  "  please  do  go  home ! " 


i88  ME 

"  I  tell  you  I  'm  going  with  you.  I  want  to  tell  you 
all  about  myself.  I  never  told  you  before.  Got  to 
tell  you  to-night." 

"  I  'd  rather  hear  it  to-morrow  night." 

"  Don't  care  what  you  'd  rather.  I  'm  going  to  tell 
you  to-night,"  persisted  Fred,  with  the  irritable  quer- 
ulousness  of  a  child. 

"  But  I  go  out  on  the  bus  with  the  girls,"  I  said. 
"  And  that  leaves  at  5  130." 

"Tha"s  true,"  said  Fred.  "Tell  you  what  I'll 
do.  I  '11  start  off  now,  and  I  '11  meet  you  at  the  end 
of  the  yards  when  the  bus  comes  out.  See?  " 

I  nodded.  Fred  settled  his  hat  more  crookedly  on 
his  head,  and,  with  an  unlighted  cigar  twisting  loosely 
in  his  mouth,  went  staggering  down  the  aisle. 

Hermann  came  over  to  my  desk,  and  when  I  told 
him  what  Fred  had  said,  he  advised  me  to  slip  off  the 
bus  quickly  and  make  a  run  for  the  nearest  car.  He 
said  if  Fred  "got  a  grip"  on  me,  he'd  never  let  go 
"  till  he  had  sobered  up." 

I  asked  Hermann  how  long  that  would  take,  and 
he  said : 

"  Well,  sometimes  he  goes  on  a  long  drunk,  for 
weeks  at  a  time.  It  depends  on  who  is  with  him.  If 
he  can  get  any  one  to  drink  with  him,  he  '11  keep  on 
and  on,  once  he  's  started.  Once  a  prize-fighter  just 
got  a  hold  of  him  and  punched  him  into  sensibility, 
and  he  did  n't  touch  a  drop  for  a  year  afterward.  He 
can,  if  he  tries,  sober  up  in  a  few  hours.  He  goes 


ME  189 

months  without  touching  a  thing,  and  then  all  of  a 
sudden  he  reverts." 

Hermann  then  told  me  that  Fred  had  once  been  jilted 
by  a  girl  in  Milwaukee,  and  that  had  started  him  to 
drinking. 

As  the  bus  took  us  through  the  yards,  I  thought 
how  terrible  and  sad  it  was  for  a  man  who  was  in 
such  a  condition  to  be  left  to  his  own  devices.  It  was 
just  as  if  one  left  a  helpless  baby  to  mind  himself, 
or  threw  a  poor  sick  person  out  upon  the  street,  ex 
pecting  him  to  be  cured  without  treatment.  What  was 
drink  but  a  disease,  anyhow?  And  I  said  to  myself 
that  I  wished  I  were  a  prize-fighter.  Fred  had  been 
good  to  me.  I  come  of  a  race,  on  my  mother's  side, 
which  does  not  easily  forget  kindnesses,  and  somehow 
I  could  think  of  nothing  save  how  Fred  had  treated 
me  that  first  day,  and  had  given  me  a  chance  when  no 
one  else  would. 

So  when  I  stepped  from  the  bus,  and  Fred  came 
lurching  toward  me,  I  simply  had  not  the  heart  to 
break  away  from  him.  All  the  girls  were  watching 
us,  and  some  of  the  men  tried  to  draw  Fred  aside  by 
the  arm. 

He  became  wildly  excited,  and  said  he  could  "  lick 
any  son  of  a  gun  in  the  Union  Stock- Yards." 

One  of  the  men  told  me  to  "  beat  it "  while  they 
took  care  of  Fred;  but  Fred  did  look  so  helpless  and 
so  inexpressibly  childish  as  he  cried  out  his  defiance, 
and  as  I  was  mortally  afraid  that  they  might  get  fight- 


ME 

ing  among  themselves,  and,  anyhow,  though  drunk, 
he  was  not  offensive,  I  said : 

"  I  '11  take  him  home.     I  'm  not  afraid  of  him." 

Some  of  them  laughed,  and  some  protested ;  but  I 
did  n't  care  anything  about  any  of  them  except  Fred, 
and  I  helped  him  on  an  open  car  that  went  near  our 
house. 

I  took  him  to  our  rooms,  and  there  Lolly  tried  to 
sober  him  by  making  him  black  coffee,  and  Hermann, 
who  came,  too, —  he  had  kept  right  up  with  Fred  and 
me, —  said  he  'd  take  care  of  Fred  while  Lolly  and  I 
got  our  dinner.  We  took  our  meals  out. 

When  we  got  back, —  it  was  about  eight  then, — 
there  was  Fred  sitting  on  the  door-step.  Hermann 
was  trying  to  drag  him  to  his  feet,  but  he  would  n't 
move,  and  he  kept  saying :  "  Nora  's  going  to  take 
care  of  me.  S-she  's  m'  stenographer,  you  know." 

Hermann  explained  that  our  landlady  had  ordered 
them  out,  as  Fred  had  begun  to  sing  after  we  went. 
Hermann  wanted  Lolly  and  me  to  go  into  the  house, 
and  he  said  he  'd  take  care  of  Fred,  even  if  he  had 
to  "  land  him  in  a  cell "  to  do  it.  He  said  that  in 
such  a  nasty  way  that  poor  Fred  began  to  cry  that  he 
had  n't  a  friend  in  the  world,  and  that  made  me  feel 
so  badly  that  I  told  him  that  I  was  his  friend,  and 
that  I  'd  take  good  care  that  Hermann  did  n't  put  him 
in  a  cell.  Then  I  had  an  inspiration. 

I  suggested  that  we  all  take  a  long  street-car  ride 
and  that  the  open  air  might  clear  his  head,  and  if  it 


ME  191 

did  n't,  we  could  get  off  at  some  park  and  walk  around. 
Fred  exclaimed  that  walking  was  the  one  thing  that 
always  "  woke  "  him  up. 

Lolly  said: 

"  Not  for  me !  "  and  went  into  the  house. 

So  Hermann  and  I,  with  Fred  between  us,  made  for 
the  nearest  car.  I  got  in  first,  then  Fred,  and  then 
as  Hermann  was  getting  on,  Fred  seized  his  hat  and 
threw  it  out  into  the  road.  A  wind  caught  it,  and 
Hermann  had  to  chase  after  it.  While  he  was  doing 
this,  Fred  pulled  the  bell-rope,  and  the  car  started. 

We  rode  to  the  end  of  the  line,  Fred  behaving  very 
well.  Here  we  got  off,  and  we  went  into  the  park. 
I  asked  Fred  how  he  was  feeling,  and  he  said  "  tip 
top,"  and  that  he  would  be  all  right  after  walking 
about  a  bit. 

We  walked! 

At  first  Fred  was  garrulous  in  a  wandering  sort  of 
way,  and  he  tried  to  tell  me  about  the  girl  who  had 
jilted  him.  He  said  he  had  never  liked  a  girl  since 
except  me,  and  then  he  pulled  himself  up  abruptly  and 
said : 

"  But  don't  think  I  'm  stuck  on  you,  because  I  ain't. 
I  got  stuck  on  one  girl  in  my  life,  and  that  was  enough 
for  me." 

"Of  course  you  're  not,"  I  said  soothingly,  "  and 
I  'm  not  stuck  on  you,  either.  We  're  just  good  pals, 
aren't  we?" 

"  Best  ever,"  said  Fred,  drowsily. 


192  ME 

Then  for  a  long  time  —  my!  it  seemed  hours  and 
hours  —  we  just  tramped  about  the  park.  Curiously 
enough,  I  did  n't  feel  a  bit  tired ;  but  by  and  by  I 
could  tell  by  the  way  he  walked  that  Fred  was  just 
about  ready  to  drop  from  exhaustion.  He  had  been 
up  drinking  all  the  previous  night  and  all  the  day.  So 
presently  I  found  a  bench  under  a  big  tree,  and  I  tried 
to  make  him  sit  down ;  but  nothing  would  do  but  that 
he  must  lie  down  at  full  length  on  the  bench,  with  his 
head  on  my  lap.  He  dropped  off  almost  immediately 
into  a  sound  sleep  or  stupor,  breathing  heavily  and 
noisily. 

I  don't  know  how  long  we  were  there.  I  grew 
numb  with  the  weight  of  his  heavy  head  upon  my 
knee.  A  policeman  came  along  and  asked  me  what 
we  were  doing.  I  told  him  truthfully  that  Fred  had 
been  drinking,  and  was  now  asleep,  and  I  asked  him, 
please  not  to  wake  him.  He  called  Fred  my  "  man," 
and  said  we  could  stay  there.  We  did  stay  there. 
Nothing  I  believe  could  have  awakened  Fred.  As  for 
me,  well,  I  made  up  my  mind  that  I  was  "  in  for  it." 
I  thought  of  trying  to  go  to  sleep  with  my  head  against 
the  back  of  the  seat,  but  it  was  too  low.  So  I  had  to 
sit  up  straight. 

It  was  a  still,  warm  night  in  September,  with 
scarcely  a  breeze  stirring.  I  could  see  the  giant 
branches  of  the  trees  on  all  sides  of  us.  They  shot 
up  like  ghostly  sentinels.  Even  the  whispering  leaves 
seemed  scarcely  to  stir. 


ME  193 

I  saw  the  stars  in  a  wide  silver  sky,  staring  and 
winking  down  upon  us  all  through  that  long  night. 
I  looked  up  at  them,  and  thought  of  my  father,  and 
I  thought  of  that  great  ancestor  of  mine  who  had 
been  an  astronomer,  and  had  given  to  the  world  some 
of  its  chief  knowledge  of  the  heavens  above  us.  It 
would  be  strange,  I  whimsically  thought,  if  somewhere 
up  there  among  the  stars,  he  was  peering  down  at  me 
now  on  this  microscopic  earth;  for  it  was  microscopic 
in  the  great  scheme  of  the  universe,  my  father  had 
once  said. 

To  sit  up  all  night  long  in  a  quiet,  beautiful  park, 
under  a  star-spotted  sky,  with  a  drunken  man  asleep 
on  your  lap,  after  all,  that  is  not  the  worst  of  fates. 
7  know,  because  I  have  done  it,  and  I  tell  you  there 
have  been  less  happy  nights  than  that  in  my  life. 

As  we  rush  along  in  the  whirligig  of  life,  we  girls 
who  must  work  so  hard  for  our  daily  bread,  we  get 
so  little  time  in  which  to  think.  For  one  cannot  think 
save  disjointedly,  while  working.  Now  I  had  a  long 
chance  for  all  my  thoughts,  and  they  came  crowding 
upon  me.  I  thought  of  my  little  brothers  and  sisters, 
and  I  wistfully  longed  that  I  might  see  them  again 
while  they  were  still  little.  I  thought  of  my  sister 
Marion,  whom  I  had  left  in  Boston.  Had  she  fared 
as  well  as  I  ?  She  had  written  me  two  or  three  times, 
and  her  letters  were  cheerful  enough,  but  just  as  I 
told  her  in  my  letters  nothing  of  my  struggles,  so  she 
told  me  nothing  of  hers.  Yet  I  read  between  the 


194  MB 

lines,  and  I  knew  —  it  made  my  heart  ache,  that 
knowledge  —  that  Marion  was  having  an  even  more 
grim  combat  with  Fate  than  I;  I  was  better  equipped 
than  she  to  earn  a  living.  For  one's  mere  physical 
beauty  is,  after  all,  a  poor  and  dangerous  asset.  And 
Marion  was  earning  her  living  by  her  beauty.  She 
was  a  professional  model,  getting  fifty  cents  an  hour. 

I  thought  of  other  sisters,  one  of  whom  had  passed 
through  a  tragic  experience,  and  another  —  the  eldest, 
a  girl  with  more  real  talent  than  I  —  who  had  been 
a  pitiful  invalid  all  her  days.  She  is  dead  now,  that 
dear  big  sister  of  mine,  and  a  monument  marks  her 
grave  in  commemoration  of  work  she  did  for  my 
mother's  country. 

It  seemed  as  if  our  heritage  had  been  all  struggle. 
None  of  us  had  yet  attained  what  the  world  calls  suc 
cess.  We  were  all  straining  and  leaping  up  frantically 
at  the  stars  of  our  ancestor;  but  they  still  stared 
aloofly  at  us,  like  the  impenetrable  Sphinx. 

It  seemed  a  great  pity  that  I  was  not,  after  all,  to 
be  the  savior  of  the  family,  and  that  my  dreams  of 
the  fame  and  fortune  that  not  alone  should  lift  me  up, 
but  all  my  people,  were  built  upon  a  substance  as 
shifting  as  sand  and  as  shadowy  as  mist.  For,  if 
what  Mr.  Hamilton  had  said  was  true,  there  was, 
alas !  no  hope  in  me.  Perhaps  I  was  doomed  to  be 
the  wife  of  a  man  like  the  fat,  blond  clerk  at  the  yards, 
or  even  of  Fred.  To  think  now  of  Mr.  Hamilton  as 
a  possible  husband  was  to  do  so  with  a  cynical  jeer 


ME  195 

at  my  own  past  ingenuousness.  Since  that  visit  of 
his,  I  had  been  awakened,  as  it  were,  to  the  clear 
knowledge  that  this  man  could  never  be  to  me  what  I 
had  so  fondly  dreamed.  Well! 

I  don't  know  when  the  stars  began  to  fade.  They 
just  seemed  to  wink  out  one  by  one  in  the  sky,  and  it 
grew  gray  and  haggard,  as  it  does  just  before  the 
dawn.  Even  in  the  dark  the  birds  began  to  call  to 
one  another,  and  when  the  first  pale  streak  from  the 
slowly  rising  sun  crept  stealthily  out  of  the  east,  these 
winged  little  creatures  dropped  to  earth  in  search  of 
food,  and  a  small,  soft,  inquiring-eyed  squirrel  jumped 
right  in  the  path  before  me,  and  stood  with  uplifted 
tail  and  pricked-up  head,  as  if  to  question  my  pres 
ence  there. 

Perhaps  it  was  the  whistling  chatter  of  the  birds 
that  awoke  Fred.  He  said  I  called  to  him,  but  he 
was  mistaken. 

He  was  lying  on  his  back,  his  head  upturned  on  my 
lap,  and  suddenly  he  opened  his  eyes  and  stared  up 
at  me.  Then  slowly  he  sat  up,  and  he  leaned  for 
ward  on  the  bench  and  covered  his  face  with  his 
hands.  I  thought  he  was  crying,  but  presently  he  said 
to  me  in  a  low,  husky  voice : 

"  How  long  have  we  been  here  ?  "  and  I  said : 

"All  night,  Fred." 

"  Nora  Ascough,  you  're  a  dead-game  sport ! "  he 
answered. 


XIX 

IT  may  sound  strange,  but  I  really  felt  very  little 
the  worse  for  that  long  night's  vigil.  I  went 
home,  took  a  cold  bath,  had  breakfast  in  a  near-by 
restaurant  (one  of  those,  ten,  twenty,  twenty-five-cent 
places),  and  went  to  work  just  the  same  as  ever. 
What  is  more,  I  had  a  specially  hard  day  at  the  yards, 
for  of  course  Fred  was  not  there,  and  I  had  to  do  a 
good  part  of  his  work. 

Frank  Hermann  wanted  to  know  just  how  I  got 
away  from  Fred,  and  I  told  him  just  what  had  hap 
pened.  He  said  admiringly : 

"  Gee !  you  're  one  corker,  Nora !  " 

"  Fred  gave  me  my  job,"  I  said,  but  I  may  as  well 
add  that  I  felt  rather  proud.  Not  every  girl  can  be 
called  a  "  dead-game  sport  "  and  a  "  corker." 

Hermann  said  he  had  told  the  men  about  the  place 
who  had  seen  me  go  home  with  Fred  that  he  had 
joined  us,  and  later  had  himself  taken  Fred  home.  I 
felt  grateful  to  Hermann  for  that.  Personally  I 
cared  very  little  what  these  stock-yard  people  thought 
of  me.  Still  it  was  good  of  Frank  to  undertake  to 
protect  me.  He  was  a  "  good  sort,"  I  must  say. 

One  of  the  girls  in  the  bus  said  as  we  were  going 
home  that  evening  that  I  looked  "  fagged  out,"  so  I 

196 


ME  197 

suppose  I  had  begun  to  show  the  effects  of  the  night; 
but  I  was  not  aware  of  any  great  fatigue  until  I  got 
on  the  street  car.  All  the  seats  were  taken,  and  I 
had  to  stand  in  a  crush  all  the  way  home,  holding  to  a 
strap.  I  was  glad  enough  to  get  home,  I  can  tell  you. 

I  thought  Lolly  was  in  when  I  saw  the  light  in  my 
room,  and  that  surprised  me,  because  her  hours  were 
very  irregular.  She  seldom  came  home  for  dinner, 
and  often  worked  at  night. 

I  suppose  it  was  the  surprise  and  shock  of  finding 
him  there,  and,  of  course,  my  real  state  of  weakness, 
but  I  nearly  fainted  when  I  saw  Mr.  Hamilton  in  my 
room.  His  back  was  turned  to  the  door  when  I  went 
in,  as  he  was  looking  at  the  books  he  had  sent  me. 
Then  he  turned  around  and  said : 

"  Well,  how  's  the  wonderful  girl?  " 

I  could  n't  answer  him,  and  I  must  have  looked  very 
badly,  for  he  came  over  to  me  quickly,  took  both 
my  hands,  and  drew  me  down  to  the  couch  beside  him. 
Then  he  said  roughly: 

"  You  see,  you  can't  stand  work  like  this.  You  're 
all  trembling  and  pale." 

I  said  hysterically: 

"  I  'm  trembling  because  you  are  here,  and  I  'm 
pale  because  I  'm  tired,  and  I  'm  tired  because  I  've 
been  up  all  night  long." 

"  What !  "  he  exclaimed. 

I  nodded. 

"  Oh,  yes.     Fred   was  drunk,  and  he  wanted  me 


198  ME 

with  him;  so  I  walked  with  him  in  L Park,  and 

then  he  fell  asleep  on  a  bench  with  his  head  on  my 
lap." 

He  jumped  to  his  feet,  and  looking  up,  I  saw  his 
face.  It  was  so  black  with  astounded  fury  that  I 
thought  he  was  going  to  strike  me;  but  I  was  not 
afraid  of  him.  I  felt  only  a  sudden  sense  of  wonder 
and  pain.  His  voice,  though  low,  had  a  curious  sound 
of  suppressed  rage. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  tell  me  that  you  have  been  out 
all  night  with  that  man  ?  " 

I  looked  into  his  face,  and  then  I  nodded,  without 
speaking.  He  gave  me  a  hard  look,  and  then  he 
laughed  shortly,  brutally. 

"  So  you  are  that  sort,  are  you?  "  he  said. 

"  Yes,"  I  returned  defiantly,  "  I  am  that  sort. 
Fred  was  good  to  me.  He  took  me  on  trust.  If  I 
had  left  him  last  night,  he  might  have  gone  on  drink 
ing,  or  a  policeman  would  have  arrested  him.  You 
can't  imagine  the  state  he  was  in  —  just  like  a  help 
less  child." 

While  I  was  speaking  he  kept  staring  at  me.  I  was 
so  nervous  that  I  wrenched  my  hands  together. 
And  then  I  saw  his  face  change,  just  as  if  it  were 
broken,  and  in  place  of  that  hard,  sneering  expression 
there  came  that  beautiful  look  that  I  had  seen  on 
his  face  that  day  on  the  train  when  he  had  asked  me  if 
I  would  like  to  go  to  school. 

He  came  over  and  sat  down  again  beside  me  on 


ME  199 

the  couch.  He  took  my  hands  in  his,  and  held  them 
as  if  he  were  warming  them.  Then  I  put  my  face 
against  his  arm  and  began  to  cry.  He  did  n't  say 
a  word  to  me  for  the  longest  time.  Then  he  asked 
me  very  gently  to  tell  him  all  over  again  just  what 
happened.  So  I  did.  He  wanted  to  know  if  Fred 
had  said  anything  offensive  to  me,  or  if  he  had  been 
familiar  or  tried  to  kiss  me.  I  said,  "  No ;  Fred  is 
not  that  kind."  If  he  had  been,  he  asked  me,  what 
would  I  have  done?  I  didn't  know,  I  told  him. 

"  You  'd  have  permitted  him  to  ?  "  he  demanded 
sharply,  and  I  said  I  didn't  think  I  would;  but  then, 
of  course,  one  could  n't  tell  what  a  drunken  man  might 
do.  He  said  that  that  was  the  whole  point  of  the 
matter,  and  that  I  could  see  for  myself  that  I  had 
done  a  very  foolish  and  dangerous  thing. 

By  this  time  he  was  walking  up  and  down.  After 
a  while,  when  he  had  gotten  over  his  excitement  and 
wrath  about  Fred,  he  shook  up  all  the  sofa  pillows  on 
the  couch,  and  made  me  lie  down.  When  I  sat  up, 
he  lifted  up  my  feet,  and  put  them  on  the  couch,  too. 
So  I  had  to  lie  down,  and  I  was  so  tired  and  happy 
that  he  was  there,  and  cared,  that  I  would  have  done 
anything  he  ordered  me  to.  Then  he  drew  up  a  chair 
beside  me,  and  began  to  talk  again  on  the  subject  of 
my  going  to  school.  Goodness!  I  had  thought  that 
matter  was  settled.  But,  no;  he  had  the  persistency 
of  a  bull-dog  in  matters  about  which  he  cared. 

He  said  it  was  nonsense  for  me  to  be  expending  my 


2oo  ME 

strength  like  this,  when  I  ought  to  be  studying  and 
developing  myself.  He  said  association  at  my  age 
meant  everything;  that  I  had  the  impressionable  tem 
perament  of  the  artist,  and  was  bound  either  to  be 
benefited  or  hurt  by  the  people  with  whom  I  asso 
ciated. 

I  let  him  go  on,  because  I  loved  to  hear  him  talk, 
anyway,  even  though  he  was  so  cross  about  it.  He 
kept  frowning  at  me,  as  if  he  were  administering  a 
scolding,  and  driving  the  fist  of  his  right  hand  into 
the  palm  of  his  left  in  a  way  he  had  when  talking. 
When  he  was  through,  I  said : 

"If  I  go  to  school,  will  you  come  to  see  me,  like 
this?" 

"Of  course  I  '11  come  to  see  you,"  he  said.  "  Not 
-like  this  exactly;  but  I  shall  make  it  a  point  of 
coming  to  see  you." 

"  Well,  would  I  be  alone  with  you  ever?"  I  asked. 

He  said,  yes,  sometimes,  but  that  I  ought  to  know 
what  boarding-schools  were  like.  I  smiled  up  at  him 
at  that,  and  he  frowned  down  at  me,  and  I  said : 

"  I  'd  rather  live  like  this,  with  all  my  besotted  ig 
norance,  and  have  you  come  to  see  me,  and  be  with 
me  all  alone,  just  like  this,  than  go  to  the  finest  board 
ing-school  in  the  world." 

He  said,  "  Nonsense !  "  but  he  was  touched,  for  he 
did  n't  say  anything  more  about  my  going  to  school 
then.  Instead,  he  began  to  urge  me  to  leave  my 
position  at  the  yards.  ^When  I  said  I  could  n't  do  that, 


ME  20 1 

he  grew  really  angry  with  me.  I  think  he  would  have 
gone  then,  for  he  picked  up  his  hat;  but  I  told  him  I 
had  n't  had  any  dinner.  Neither,  of  course,  had  he, 
as  I  had  come  in  about  six-thirty.  So  then  I  made 
him  wait  while  I  dressed,  and  he  took  me  out  to  din 
ner. 

There  were  a  number  of  restaurants  near  where  I 
lived,  but  he  knew  of  a  better  place  down-town;  so 
we  went  there,  by  carriage,  instead.  On  the  way  he 
asked  me  where  I  got  the  suit  I  had  on,  and  I  told 
him.  Then  he  wanted  to  know  what  I  paid  for  it,  and 
I  told  him  $12.  It  was  a  good  little  blue  serge  suit, 
and  I  had  a  smart  hat  to  go  with  it.  In  fact,  I  was 
beginning  to  dress  better,  and  more  like  American 
girls.  I  asked  him  if  he  liked  my  suit.  He  said 
roughly : 

"  No,"  and  then  he  added,  "  it 's  too  thin."  After 
a  moment  he  said: 

"  I  'm  going  to  buy  you  decent  clothes  first  of  all." 

I  had  a  queer  feeling  that  so  long  as  I  took  nothing 
from  this  man,  I  should  retain  his  respect.  It  was 
a  stubborn,  persistent  idea.  I  could  not  efface  from 
my  mind  his  bitter  words  of  that  day  on  the  train,  and 
I  wanted  above  all  things  to  prove  to  him  that  I  cared 
for  him  only  for  himself  and  not  for  the  things  I 
knew  he  could  give  me  and  wanted  to  give  me.  I 
never  knew  a  man  so  anxious  to  give  a  woman  things 
as  was  Mr.  Hamilton  to  do  things  for  me  from  the 
very  first.  So  now  I  told  him  that  I  could  n't  let  him 


202  ME 

get  clothes  for  me.  That  made  him  angrier  than 
ever,  and  he  would  n't  speak  to  me  all  the  rest  of  the 
way.  While  we  were  having  dinner  (he  had  ordered 
the  meal  without  reference  to  me  at  all,  but  just  as  if 
he  knew  what  I  should  like),  he  said  in  that  rough  way 
he  often  assumed  to  me  when  he  was  bent  upon  having 
his  way  about  something: 

"  You  want  me  to  take  you  with  me  when  I  come 
to  Chicago,  don't  you  —  to  dinner,  theaters,  and  other 
places  ?  " 

I  nodded.  I  did  want  to  go  with  him,  and  I  was 
tremendously  proud  to  think  that  he  wanted  to  take 
me. 

"Very  well,  then,"  he  said;  "you'll  have  to  dress 
properly." 

I  could  n't  find  any  answer  to  that,  but  I  inwardly 
vowed  that  I  would  spend  every  cent  I  made  above 
my  board  on  clothes. 

I  think  he  was  sorry  for  having  spoken  unkindly 
to  me,  because  he  ceased  to  urge  me  about  the  school, 
my  position,  my  lodgings,  which  he  did  not  like  at 
all,  and  now  my  clothes.  He  made  me  tell  him  all 
over  again  for  the  third  or  fourth  time  about  last 
night.  He  kept  asking  me  about  Fred,  almost  as  if 
he  were  trying  to  trap  me  with  questions,  till  finally 
I  grew  so  hurt  by  some  of  his  questions  that  I 
would  n't  answer  him.  Then  again  he  changed  the 
subject,  and  wanted  to  know  what  I  had  been  writing. 
That  was  a  subject  on  which  he  knew  I  would  chatter 


ME  203 

fluently,  and  I  told  him  how  I  had  actually  dared  to 
submit  my  latest  to  a  mighty  publication  in  New  York. 
He  said  he  wished  he  were  the  editor.  I  said : 

"  Would  you  take  my  stories  ?  " 

"  You  better  believe  I  would,"  he  said. 

"Why?" 

"  Well,  why  do  you  suppose?  " 

"  Because  you  think  my  stories  are  good  or  because 
you  like  me  —  which?  " 

He  laughed,  and  told  me  to  finish  my  coffee. 

I  said: 

"  You  must  like  me  some,  else  you  would  n't  have 
cared  about  Fred." 

He  tried  to  frown  at  me  for  that,  but  instead 
laughed  outright,  and  said  if  it  gave  me  any  satisfac 
tion  to  believe  that,  to  go  on  believing  it. 

My  happiness  was  dashed  when  he  said  he  had  to 
return  to  Richmond  on  the  eleven  o'clock  train.  I 
had  been  secretly  hoping  he  would  remain  in  Chicago 
a  few  days.  When  I  faltered  out  this  hope,  he  said 
rather  shortly: 

"  I  can  only  run  down  here  occasionally  for  a  day 
or  a  few  hours  at  a  time.  My  affairs  keep  me  in 
Richmond." 

Little  things  exhilarate  me  and  make  me  happy,  and 
little  things  depress  me  and  make  me  sad.  So  while 
I  was  light-hearted  a  moment  before,  I  felt  blue  at  the 
thought  of  his  going.  I  said  to  myself  that  this  was 
how  it  would  always  be.  He  would  always  come,  and 


2O4  ME 

he  would  always  go,  and  I  wondered  if  a  day  would 
ever  come  when  he  would  ask  me  to  go  with  him. 

He  saw  that  I  was  depressed,  and  began  to  talk 
teasingly : 

"  Do  you  know,"  he  said  —  we  were  now  at  the 
steps  of  my  boarding-house  — "  that  you  are  a  very 
fickle  little  person?  " 

"I?    Why  I  'm  foolishly  faithful,"  I  declared. 

"  I  say  you  are  fickle,"  he  asserted  with  mock  seri 
ousness.  "  Now  I  know  one  chap  that  you  used  to 
think  the  world  and  all  about,  but  whom  you  have 
completely  forgotten.  The  poor  little  fellow  came  to 
me,  and  told  me  all  about  it  himself." 

I  could  n't  think  whom  in  the  world  he  could  mean, 
and  thought  he  was  just  joking,  when  he  said : 

"  So  you  've  forgotten  all  about  your  little  dog, 
have  you?  " 

"  Verley ! " 

"  Yes,  Verley." 

"  Oh,  you  've  seen  him  ?  " 

I  think  it  gave  him  all  kinds  of  satisfaction  to 
answer  me  as  he  did. 

"  I  Ve  got  him.  He  's  mine  now  —  ours,  shall  we 
say?" 

"  Oh,  did  Dr.  Manning  give  him  to  you?  " 

He  laughed. 

"  Not  much.     He  sold  him  to  me." 

"  He  had  no  right  to  do  that.  Verley  was  my 
dog." 


ME  205 

"  But  you  owed  Dr.  Manning  for  your  fare  from 
Boston." 

"  That 's  true.     Did  he  tell  you  that?  " 

"  No,  but  I  knew  it,  and  I  did  n't  like  the  idea  of 
your  owing  anything  to  any  one  except  —  me,"  and 
he  gave  me  one  of  his  warmest  smiles  when  he  said 
that.  "  I  did  not  see  the  doctor  myself,  but  a  friend 
arranged  the  matter  for  me.  By  the  way,  he  owes 
you  a  considerable  little  sum  over  the  amount  he  paid 
for  your  fare  from  Boston,  though  we  are  not  going 
to  bother  collecting  it.  We  '11  let  it  go." 

".What  do  you  mean?" 

"  It  seems  he  considered  the  dog  a  very  expensive 
article.  I  paid  him  three  hundred  dollars  for  Verley, 
whose  high-bred  ancestry  I  very  much  doubt." 

"  Three  hundred  dollars !  Oh,  what  a  shame ! 
He  was  n't  worth  anything  like  that,"  I  cried. 

He  said  after  a  moment,  during  which  he  looked 
at  me  very  steadily: 

"  Yes,  he  was  worth  that  to  me :  he  was  — 
yours" 

I  caught  my  breath,  I  was  so  happy  when  he  said 
that. 

"  Now  I  know  you  do  like  me,"  I  said,  "  else  you 
would  n't  say  things  like  that." 

"  Nonsense!  "  he  said. 

"Why  do  you  bother  about  me  at  all,  then?"  I 
asked. 

He  had  put  the  key  in  the  lock  now.     He  did  n't 


206  ME 

look  up  when  he  answered  that,  but  kept  twisting  the 
key. 

"  I  told  you  why.  I  'm  interested  in  you  —  that 's 
all,"  he  said. 

"  Is  that  —  really  —  all  ?  "   I  asked  tremulously. 

"  Yes,"  he  said  in  a  rough  whisper;  "that  is  really 
all,  little  girl." 

"  Well,  anyway,"  I  said,  "  even  if  you  don't  love 
me,  I  love  you.  You  don't  mind  my  doing  that,  do 
you?" 

I  could  feel  his  smile  in  the  darkness  of  that  little 
porch  as  he  said: 

"  No,  don't  stop  doing  that,  whatever  happens. 
That  would  be  a  calamity  hard  to  bear  —  now." 

It 's  not  much  to  have  permission  to  love  a  person, 
who  does  n't  love  you,  but  it  was  a  happy  girl  who 
slept  on  the  couch  that  night.  Lolly  came  in  after  I 
did,  but  I  made  her  sleep  inside.  She  wanted  to  know 
why  on  earth  I  had  all  the  pillows  on  the  couch.  I 
did  n't  answer.  How  could  I  tell  her  that  I  wanted 
them  about  me  because  he  had  put  them  there  ? 

In  the  morning,  on  the  table,  I  found  half  a  cigar 
that  he  had  smoked.  I  rolled  it  up  in  tissue-paper  and 
put  it  in  the  drawer  where  I  kept  only  my  most  cher 
ished  treasures. 


XX 

NOW  that  the  lights  no  longer  went  out  at  ten, 
I  did  considerable  writing  at  night.  I  had  to 
work,  however,  under  difficulties,  for  Lolly  had  no 
end  of  men  callers.  She  had  discouraged  men  calling 
on  her  at  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.,  but  now  that  we  had  a 
place  of  our  own,  she  liked  them  to  come.  As  she 
gaily  put  it  to  me  one  day :  "  Beaux  make  great  meal 
tickets,  Nora." 

And  then,  too,  she  liked  men.  She  told  me  once 
I  was  the  only  girl  chum  she  had  ever  had,  though  she 
had  had  scores  of  men  chums,  who  were  not  neces 
sarily  her  admirers  as  well. 

Lolly  was  a  born  flirt.  Hermann  was  her  slave  and 
her  shadow  now,  and  so  were  several  newspaper  men 
and  editors  who  seemed  devoted  to  her.  There  was 
only  one  man,  however,  for  whom  she  cared  a  "  but 
ton,"  so  she  told  me,  and  that  was  Marshall  Chambers ; 
and  yet,  she  quarreled  with  him  constantly,  and  never 
trusted  him. 

Lolly's  men  friends  were  kind  to  me,  too.  They 
tried  many  devices  to  entrap  me  to  go  with  them.  It 
was  all  I  could  do  to  work  at  night,  for  even  when  I 
shut  myself  into  the  inner  room,  Lolly  was  always 
coming  in  with  this  or  that  message  and  joke,  and  to 

207 


208  ME 

urge  me  to  "  come  on  out,  like  a  good  fellow,  just  for 
to-night."  Though,  to  do  Lolly  justice,  many  a  time, 
when  she  thought  the  story  I  was  working  on  was 
worth  while,  she  would  try  to  protect  me  from  being 
disturbed,  and  sometimes  she  'd  say : 

"Clear  out,  the  whole  bunch  of  you!  Nora's  in 
the  throes  of  creation  again." 

However,  I  really  don't  know  how  I  managed  to 
write  at  all  there.  Hermann  came  nearly  every  night 
in  those  days,  and  even  when  Lolly  was  out,  he  used 
to  sit  in  that  outer  room  and  wait,  poor  fellow,  for  her 
to  return.  He  never  reproached  Lolly,  though  he 
certainly  knew  she  did  not  return  his  love.  Hermann 
just  waited,  with  a  sort  of  untiring  German  patience 
and  determination  to  win  in  the  end.  He  was  no 
longer  the  gay  and  flippant  "  lady-killer."  In  a  way 
I  was  glad  to  have  Hermann  there  at  nights,  for  I  was 
afraid  of  Chambers.  Whenever  he  found  me  alone, 
he  would  try  to  make  love  to  me,  and  tell  me  he  was 
mad  about  me  and  other  foolish  things. 

I  asked  him  once  what  he  would  do  if  I  told  Lolly. 
He  replied,  with  an  ugly  smile,  that  he  guessed  Lolly 
would  take  his  word  before  mine. 

That  marked  him  as  unprincipled,  and  I  hated  him 
more  than  ever.  Of  course  I  never  told  him  I  disliked 
him.  On  the  contrary,  I  was  always  very  civil  and 
joking  with  him.  It 's  queer,  but  I  have  a  good  streak 
of  the  "  Dr.  Fell  "  feeling  in  me.  Hermann  and  I 
once  talked  over  Marshall  Chambers,  and  his  efforts 


ME  209 

to  make  love  to  me.  Hermann  said  that  that  was  one 
of  the  reasons  he  was  going  to  be  there  when  he  could. 
He  said  that  some  day  Lolly  was  going  to  find  out, 
and  he  (Hermann)  wanted  to  be  there  to  take  care  of 
her  when  that  day  came.  Such  was  his  dog-like  af 
fection  for  Lolly,  that,  although  he  knew  she  loved 
this  man,  he  was  prepared  to  take  her  when  she  was 
done  with  the  other. 

Occasionally  Fred,  too,  came  to  see  me  in  the  even 
ing,  but  if  I  was  writing,  he  would  go  away  at  once. 
My  writing  to  Fred  loomed  as  something  very  impor 
tant.  He  believed  in  me.  Hamilton  had  called  me  a 
wonderful  girl,  but  Fred  believed  I  was  an  inspired 
genius.  He  let  me  copy  all  my  stories  on  the  type 
writer  at  the  office,  and  would  literally  steal  time  for 
me  in  which  to  do  it,  making  Red  Top  do  work  I 
should  have  done. 

Fred  was  "  in  bad  "  at  the  yards.  It  seems  that  his 
last  "  drunk "  had  completely  exasperated  certain 
heads  of  the  firm,  and  there  was  a  general  opinion, 
so  Hermann  told  me,  that  Fred's  head  might  "  come 
off  "  any  day  now. 

I  was  so  worried  about  this  that  I  tried  to  warn 
him.  He  stuck  his  tongue  in  one  cheek  and  winked 
at  me.  Then  he  said: 

"  Nora,  I  have  an  A  No.  i  pull  with  old  man  Smith, 
and  there  ain't  nobody  going  to  get  my  job  here ;  but 
I  'm  working  them  for  the  New  York  job.  I  want 
to  go  east." 


210  ME 

That  made  me  feel  just  as  badly,  for,  if  Fred  was 
transferred  to  the  New  York  branch,  what  would  be 
come  of  me?  I  could  not  go,  too,  and  I  disliked  the 
thought  of  working  under  another. 

I  felt  so  badly  about  it  that  I  wrote  to  Mr.  Hamil 
ton,  who  had  not  been  to  see  me  for  three  weeks.  I 
suppose  if  I  had  not  been  working  so  hard,  I  should 
have  felt  worse  about  that,  because  I  had  thought  he 
would  be  sure  to  come  and  see  me  again  soon.  But 
he  did  not;  nor  did  he  even  write  to  me,  though  I 
wrote  him  four  letters.  My  first  letter  was  a  very 
foolish  one.  It  was  this: 

I  know  you  do  not  love  me,  but  I  do  you. 

NORA. 

I  felt  ashamed  of  that  letter  after  I  mailed  it.  So 
then  I  sent  another  to  say  I  did  n't  mean  it,  and  then 
I  sent  another  immediately  to  say  that  I  did. 

Then,  for  a  time,  as  I  received  no  answers,  I  did  n't 
write  to  him,  but  tried  to  forget  him  in  my  writing. 
It 's  a  fact  that  I  was  fairly  successful.  Once  I  started 
upon  a  story,  my  mind  centered  upon  nothing  else; 
but  as  soon  as  I  was  through  with  it,  I  would  begin  to 
think  about  him  again,  and  I  suppose  he  really  was  in 
my  mind  all  the  time. 

But  to  get  back  to  Fred.  I  wrote  Mr.  Hamilton 
that  Fred  was  likely  to  be  transferred  to  the  New  York 
office,  and  in  that  event  he  would  take  me  with  him. 
Of  course  it  would  be  a  fine  opportunity  for  me,  as 


ME  211 

all  the  best  publishing  houses  and  magazines  were  in 
New  York,  and  I  would  have  a  chance  to  submit  my 
work  directly  to  the  editors.  Then,  too,  if  Fred  was 
placed  in  charge  of  the  New  York  offices,  it  would  be 
much  pleasanter  than  in  the  stock-yards,  since  there 
would  be  merely  a  handful  of  clerks.  He  never  an 
swered  that  letter,  either.  I  wondered  why  he  never 
wrote  to  me.  His  silence  made  me  blue  and  then 
reckless. 

Lolly,  who  by  this  time  knew  all  about  Mr.  Hamil 
ton,  offered  me  her  usual  consolation  and  advice.  The 
consolation  was  a  cigarette,  but  I  did  n't  care  for  it  at 
all.  Cigarettes  choked  me  every  time  I  tried  to  smoke 
them,  and  I  couldn't  for  the  life  of  me  understand 
why  she  liked  them.  She  must  have  smoked  a  dozen 
packages  a  day,  for  she  smoked  constantly.  Her 
pretty  fingers  were  nicotine-stained,  and  I  've  known 
her  even  in  the  night  to  get  up  and  smoke.  So  I  could 
not  accept  Lolly's  consolatory  cigarette.  I  did,  how 
ever,  follow  her  advice  in  a  way.  She  said : 

"  Nora,  the  only  way  to  forget  one  man  is  to  in 
terest  yourself  in  another  —  or  many  others." 

So  toward  the  end  of  the  month  I  began  to  go  about 
with  some  of  Lolly's  friends. 

They  took  me  to  dinners,  theaters,  and  some  social 
and  Bohemian  clubs  and  dances.  At  one  of  these 
clubs  I  met  Margaret  Kingston,  a  woman  lawyer,  who 
became  my  lifelong  friend.  I  don't  know  how  old 
she  was,  but  to  me  then  she  seemed  very  "  grown-up." 


212  ME 

I  dare  say  she  was  no  more  than  forty  or  forty-five, 
though  her  hair  was  gray.  She  was  a  big  woman 
physically,  mentally,  and  of  heart.  Good-humored, 
full  of  sentiment,  and  with  a  fine,  clear  brain,  I  could 
not  but  be  attracted  to  her  at  once.  She  was  talented, 
too.  She  wrote,  she  painted,  she  was  a  fine  musician, 
and  a  good  orator.  She  was  a  socialist,  and  when 
very  much  excited,  declared  she  was  also  an  anarchist. 
With  all  her  talents,  possibly  because  of  a  certain  im 
practical  and  sort  of  vagabond  streak  in  her,  she  was 
always  poor,  hard  up,  and  scraping  about  to  make  both 
ends  meet. 

She  came  over  to  the  table  where  I  was  sitting  with 
Lolly  and  Hermann  and  a  newspaper  man,  and  she 
said  she  wanted  to  know  the  "  little  girl  with  the  black 
eyes."  That  was  I.  We  liked  each  other  at  once, 
just  as  Lolly  and  I  had  liked  each  other.  I  form  at 
tachments  that  way,  quickly  and  instinctively,  and  I 
told  her  much  about  myself,  my  writing,  etc.,  so  that 
she  became  at  once  interested  in  me  and  invited  me 
to  her  house.  She  said  she  "  kept  house  "  with  another 
"  old  girl." 

I  went  to  see  them  that  very  next  night.  They  had  a 

pretty  house  on  G Avenue.  Mrs.  Kingston  took 

me  through  the  place.  I  suppose  I  looked  so  longingly 
at  those  lovely  rooms  that  she  asked  me  if  I  would  n't 
like  to  come  and  live  with  them.  She  said  she  needed 
a  couple  of  "  roomers  "  to  help  with  the  expenses,  and 
offered  me  a  dear  little  room  —  so  dainty  and  cozy ! — 


ME  213 

for  only  seven  dollars  a  week,  with  board.  There 
were  to  be  no  other  boarders,  so  she  said;  but  there 
was  a  suite  of  two  rooms  and  a  bath  in  front,  and  these 
she  intended  to  rent  without  board.  She  laughingly 
said  that  as  these  rooms  were  so  specially  fine,  she'd 
"  soak  the  affluent  person  who  took  them  "  enough  to 
carry  our  expenses.  I  wanted  badly  to  move  in  at 
once,  but  I  was  afraid  Lolly  would  be  offended,  so  I 
said  I  'd  see  about  it. 

On  that  very  first  visit  to  Mrs.  Kingston,  who 
asked  me,  by  the  way,  to  call  her  "  Margaret " — she 
said  she  felt  younger  when  people  called  her  that ;  and 
if  it  did  n't  sound  so  ugly,  she  would  even  like  to  be 
called  "  Mag  "-  - 1  met  Dick  Lawrence,  a  Tribune  re 
porter. 

One  never  knows  why  one  person  falls  in  love  with 
another.  See  how  I  loved  Hamilton  despite  his 
frankly  telling  me  he  was  only  "  interested  "in  me. 
Dick  Lawrence  fell  in  love  with  me,  and  just  as  Her 
mann  was  Lolly's  shadow,  so  Dick  became  mine.  He 
was  as  ambitious  as  I,  and  quite  as  impractical  and 
visionary.  He  wrote  astonishingly  clever  things,  but 
never  stuck  at  anything  long  enough  to  succeed  finally. 
He  was  a  born  wanderer,  just  like  my  father,  and  al 
though  still  in  his  early  twenties,  had  been  well  over 
the  world.  At  this  time  the  woes  of  Cuba  occupied 
the  attention  of  the  American  press,  and  Lawrence  was 
trying  to  get  out  there  to  investigate  conditions.  This 
was  just  prior  to  the  war. 


214  ME 

I  never  really  thought  he  would  go,  and  was  much 
astonished  when  only  two  weeks  after  I  met  him  he 
turned  up  one  night  for  "  two  purposes,"  as  he  said. 
The  first  was  to  tell  me  that  he  loved  me,  and  the 
second  to  bid  me  good-by.  Some  newspaper  syndicate 
was  sending  him  to  Cuba.  Dick  asked  me  if  I  would 
marry  him.  I  liked  him  very  much.  He  carried  me 
away  with  his  eloquent  stories  of  what  he  was  going  to 
do.  Moreover  I  was  sorry  to  think  of  his  going  out  to 
hot  and  fever-wracked  Cuba,  among  those  supposedly 
fiendish  Spaniards;  also  he  reminded  me  of  Verley 
Marchmont,  so  that  I  could  not  help  accepting  him. 
You  see,  I  had  given  up  all  hope  of  hearing  from  Mr. 
Hamilton  again.  He  had  not  answered  my  letters. 
I  was  terribly  lonesome  and  hungry  for  some  one  to 
care  for  me.  Dick  was  a  big,  wholesome,  splendid- 
looking  boy,  and  his  tastes  were  similar  to  mine. 
Then  he  said  he'd  "move  mountains,"  if  only  I'd 
become  engaged  to  him.  He  appeared  to  me  a  ro 
mantic  figure  as  I  pictured  him  starting  upon  that 
perilous  journey. 

The  long  and  short  of  it  is,  that  I  said,  "  All  right." 
Whereupon  Dick  gave  me  a  ring  —  not  a  costly  one, 
for  he  was  not  rich  —  and  then,  yes,  he  kissed  me 
several  times.  I  won't  deny  that  I  liked  those  kisses. 
I  would  have  given  anything  in  the  world  to  have  Mr. 
Hamilton  kiss  me;  but,  as  I  said,  I  had  reached  a 
reckless  stage,  where  I  believed  I  should  not  see  him 
again,  and  next  to  being  kissed  by  the  man  you  love, 


ME  215 

it 's  pleasant  to  be  kissed  by  a  man  who  loves  you. 
However,  that  may  be  with  his  strong  young  arms 
about  me  and  his  fervent  declaration  that  he  loved  me, 
I  felt  comforted  and  important. 

Meantime  Lolly  came  in  soon  after  we  were  en 
gaged,  and  she  had  a  party  of  men  with  her.  Dick 
made  me  promise  to  tell  no  one.  He  sailed  the  next 
morning  for  Cuba.  I  never  saw  him  again. 

When  I  told  Lolly  about  my  engagement  she 
laughed,  and  told  me  to  "  forget  it."  She  said  Dick 
had  been  on  her  paper  a  while,  and  she  knew  him 
well.  She  said  he  never  took  girls  seriously,  and  al 
though  he  did  seem  "  hard  hit "  by  me,  he  'd  soon 
get  over  it  once  he  got  among  the  pretty  Cuban  and 
Spanish  senoritas.  That  was  a  dubious  outlook  for 
me,  I  must  say.  Just  the  same,  I  liked  to  wear  his 
ring,  and  I  felt  a  new  dignity. 

It 's  queer,  but  in  thinking  of  Mr.  Hamilton  at  this 
time  I  felt  a  vindictive  sort  of  satisfaction  that  I  was 
now  engaged.  It  was  good  to  know  that  even  if  he 
did  n't  love  me  enough  to  answer  my  letters,  some 
one  did. 

One  day  Fred  came  in  very  late  from  luncheon. 
I  thought  at  first  from  something  strange  in  his  atti 
tude  that  he  had  been  drinking  again,  but  he  suddenly 
swung  around  in  his  seat  and  said : 

"Do  you  know  Mott?" 

"No.     Who  is  he?" 

"  Manager  of  the  Department." 


216  ME 

"  I  don't  know  him  by  name,"  I  said.  "  Point  him 
out  to  me." 

Fred  said  ominously : 

"  That 's  him;  but  he  's  not  looking  quite  his  usual 
handsome  self." 

I  saw  a  man  several  departments  off  who  even  from 
that  distance  looked  as  if  his  face  and  nose  were 
swollen  and  cut. 

"Then  you  never  went  out  with  him?"  demanded 
Fred. 

"  Why,  of  course  not,"  I  declared.  "  I  Ve  never 
been  out  with  any  yards  men  except  you  and  Hermann. 
You  know  that." 

"  I  thought  so.  Now  look  a-here,"  and  he  showed 
me  his  fists.  The  skin  was  off  the  knuckles,  and  they 
had  an  otherwise  battered  look. 

"  That  son  of  a  blank,"  said  Fred,  "  boasted  that 
you  had  been  out  with  him.  I  knew  that  he  lied,  for 
no  decent  girl  would  be  seen  with  the  likes  of  him; 
so  I  soaked  him  such  a  swig  in  the  nose  that  he  '11 
not  blow  it  again  for  a  month." 

I  tell  this  incident  because  it  seems  to  be  a  charac 
teristic  example  of  what  certain  contemptible  men  say 
about  girls  whom  they  do  not  even  know.  I  have 
heard  of  men  who  deliberately  boasted  of  favors  from 
girls  who  despised  them  and  who  assailed  the  char 
acter  of  girls  who  had  snubbed  them.  This  was  my 
first  experience,  and  my  only  one  of  this  kind.  That 
a  man  I  had  not  known  existed  would  titlk  lightly 


ME  217 

about  me  in  a  bar-room  full  of  men  seemed  to  me  a 
shameful  and  cruel  thing.  That  a  man  who  did  know 
me  had  defended  me  with  his  fists  thrilled  and  moved 
me.  At  that  moment  I  almost  loved  Fred. 

This  incident,  however,  thoroughly  disgusted  me 
with  everything  connected  with  the  yards.  I  made  up 
my  mind  that  I  would  go  with  Fred  to  New  York. 
We  talked  it  over,  and  he  said  that  even  if  the  firm 
would  not  send  me,  he  himself  would  engage  me  after 
he  was  settled  there.  So  I  began  to  plan  to  leave 
Chicago,  though  when  I  paused  to  think  of  Mr.  Hamil 
ton  I  grew  miserable.  Still,  the  thought  of  the  change 
excited  me.  Lolly  said  I  'd  soon  forget  him  —  I 
knew  I  would  n't  —  and  that  there  was  nothing  like 
a  change  of  scene  to  cure  one  of  an  infatuation  of 
that  kind.  She  always  called  my  love  for  Hamilton 
"  infatuation,"  and  pretended  never  to  regard  it  as 
anything  serious.  She  said  I  was  a  hero-worshipper, 
and  made  idols  of  unworthy  clay  and  endowed  them 
with  impossible  attributes  and  virtues.  She  said  girls 
like  me  never  really  loved  a  man  at  all.  We  loved  an 
image  that  we  ourselves  created. 

I  knew  better.  In  my  love  I  was  simply  a  woman 
and  nothing  else,  and  as  a  woman,  not  an  idealist,  I 
loved  Hamilton.  I  never  pretended  he  was  perfect. 
Indeed,  I  saw  his  faults  from  the  first,  but  despite  his 
faults,  not  because  of  them,  I  loved  him. 


XXI 

FRED  was  to  leave  for  New  York  on  the  first  of 
November,  and  that  was  only  a  week  off.  The 
firm  had  decided  to  retain  me,  after  all,  in  the  Chicago 
offices,  but  I  was  determined  I  would  not  remain  there, 
and  planned  to  go  to  New  York  as  soon  as  possible, 
when  Fred  would  immediately  engage  me.  He  said 
he  'd  "  fire  "  any  girl  he  had  then  for  me. 

I  had  been  saving  from  week  to  week  for  my  fare 
and  a  set  of  furs.  My  suit,  though  only  two  months 
old,  had  already  begun  to  show  wear,  and  it  was  thin, 
as  Mr.  Hamilton  had  said.  The  girls  at  the  yards 
were  already  wearing  furs,  but  furs  were  beyond  my 
purse  for  months  to  come.  Lolly  had  beautiful  furs, 
black,  silky  lynx,  that  some  one  had  given  her  the 
previous  Christmas. 

It  was  now  five  weeks  since  I  had  seen  Mr.  Hamil 
ton,  and  two  since  Dick  had  gone.  I  had  had  a  few 
letters  from  Dick.  They  were  not  exactly  love-let 
ters.  Dick's  letters  were  more,  as  it  were  —  well, 
written  for  publication.  I  don't  know  why  they  seemed 
like  that  to  me.  I  suppose  he  could  not  help  writing 
for  effect,  for  although  he  said  tender  things,  and  very 
brilliantly,  too,  somehow  they  did  not  ring  true  to 
me. 

218 


ME  219 

I  did  not  think  very  seriously  of  our  engagement, 
though  I  liked  my  ring,  and  showed  it  to  all  the  girls  at 
the  yards. 

My  stories  came  back  with  unflattering  regularity 
from  the  magazines  to  which  I  sent  them.  Lolly, 
however,  gave  two  of  my  stories  to  her  paper,  and  I 
was  to  be  paid  space  rates  (four  dollars  a  column,  I 
think  it  was)  on  publication.  I  was  a  long  time  wait 
ing  for  publication. 

Dissatisfied,  unhappy,  and  restless,  as  I  now  really 
was,  I  did  not  even  feel  like  writing  at  night.  I  now 
no  longer  ran  up-stairs  to  my  room,  with  an  eager, 
wishful  heart,  hoping  that  he  might  be  there.  Alas! 
I  felt  sure  he  had  abandoned  me  forever.  He  had 
even  ceased,  I  told  myself,  to  be  interested  in  me. 

Then  one  night  he  came.  I  had  had  a  hard  day  at 
the  yards.  Not  hard  in  the  sense  of  work;  but  Fred 
was  to  leave  the  following  day,  and  a  Mr.  Hopkins 
was  to  take  his  place.  We  had  spent  the  day  going 
over  all  the  matters  of  our  department,  and  it 's  im 
possible  for  me  to  say  how  utterly  wretched  I  felt  at 
the  thought  of  working  under  another  "  boss  "  than 
Fred. 

So  I  came  home  doleful  enough,  went  out  and  ate 
my  solitary  dinner  in  a  nearby  restaurant,  and  then  re 
turned  to  the  house. 

He  called,  "  Hello,  little  girl !  "  while  I  was  opening 
the  door. 

I  stood  speechlessly  staring  at  him  for  a  moment, 


22O  ME 

so  glad  was  I  to  see  him.  It  seemed  an  incredible  and 
a  joyous  thing  to  me  that  he  was  really  there,  and 
that  he  appeared  exactly  the  same  —  tall,  with  his 
odd,  tired  face  and  musing  eyes. 

"  Well,  are  n't  you  glad  to  see  me?  "  he  asked,  smil 
ing,  and  holding  out  his  hand. 

I  seized  it  and  clung  to  it  with  both  of  mine,  and  I 
would  n't  let  it  go.  That  made  him  laugh  again,  and 
then  he  said: 

"  Well,  what  has  my  wonderful  girl  been  doing?  " 

That  was  nearly  always  his  first  question  to  me. 

"  I  wrote  to  you  four  times,"  I  said,  "  and  you 
never  answered  me  once." 

"  I  'm  not  much  of  a  hand  at  letter- writing,"  he  said. 

"  I  thought  that  you  'd  forgotten  me,"  I  told  him, 
"  and  that  you  were  never  going  to  come  and  see  me 
again." 

He  put  his  hand  under  my  chin,  raised  my  face,  and 
looked  at  it  searchingly. 

"  Would  it  have  mattered  so  much,  then  ?  "  he  asked 
gently. 

'  You  know  very  well  I  'm  in  love  with  you,"  I  told 
him  desperately,  and  he  said,  as  always: 

"  Nonsense ! "  though  I  know  he  liked  to  hear  me 
say  that. 

Then  he  wanted  to  inspect  me,  and  he  held  me  off  at 
arm's-length,  and  turned  me  around,  too.  I  think  it 
was  my  suit  he  was  looking  at,  though  he  had  seen  it 
before.  Then  he  made  me  sit  down,  and  said  we  were 


ME  221 

going  to  have  a  "  long  talk."  Of  course  I  had  to  tell 
him  everything  that  had  happened  to  me  since  I  had 
seen  him.  I  omitted  all  mention  of  Dick! 

I  told  him  about  Fred's  wanting  me  to  join  him  in 
New  York,  and  he  remarked : 

"  Fred  can  jump  up.     You  're  not  going." 

I  did  not  argue  that  with  him.  I  no  longer  wanted 
to  go.  I  was  quite  happy  and  contented  now  that  he 
was  here.  I  did  n't  care  whether  he  returned  my  love 
or  not.  I  was  satisfied  as  long  as  he  was  with  me. 
That  was  much. 

He  always  made  me  tell  him  every  little  detail  of  my 
life,  and  when  I  said  I  found  it  difficult  to  write,  be 
cause  of  so  many  men  coming  to  see  Lolly, —  I  did  n't 
mention  that  they  were  coming  to  see  me,  too !  —  he 
said: 

"  You  're  going  to  move  out  of  this  place  right  away. 
We  '11  look  about  for  rooms  to-morrow." 

So  then  I  knew  he  was  not  going  back  that  night, 
and  I  was  so  glad  that  I  knelt  down  beside  him  and 
cuddled  up  against  his  knee.  I  wished  that  he  would 
put  his  arm  about  me,  but  all  he  did  was  to  push  back 
the  loose  hair  that  slipped  over  my  cheek,  and  after 
that  he  kept  his  hand  on  my  head. 

He  was  much  pleased  with  my  description  of  the 
rooms  at  Mrs.  Kingston's.  He  said  we  'd  go  there 
the  next  day  and  have  a  look  at  them.  He  said  I  was 
to  stay  home  from  work  the  next  day,  but  I  protested 
that  I  could  n't  do  that  —  Fred's  last  day !  Unless  I 


222  ME 

did  just  what  he  told  me,  it  exasperated  him  always, 
and  he  now  said : 

"  Then  go  away  from  me.  I  don't  want  anything 
to  do  with  a  girl  who  won't  do  even  a  trifling  thing 
to  please  me." 

I  said  that  it  was  n't  trifling,  and  that  I  might  lose 
my  position ;  for  the  new  man  was  to  take  charge  to 
morrow,  and  I  ought  to  be  there. 

"  Damn  the  new  man !  "  he  said. 

He  was  a  singularly  unreasonable  man,  and  he  could 
sulk  and  scowl  for  all  the  world  like  a  great  boy.  I 
told  him  so,  and  he  unwillingly  laughed,  and  said  I 
was  beyond  him.  To  win  him  back  to  good  humor,  I 
got  out  some  of  my  new  stories,  and,  sitting  on  the 
floor  at  his  feet,  read  them  to  him.  I  read  two  stories. 
When  I  was  through,  he  got  up  and  walked  up  and 
down,  pulling  at  his  lower  lip  in  that  way  he  had. 

"Well,"  I  challenged,  "can  I  write?" 

He  said : 

"  I  'm  afraid  you  can."  Then  he  took  my  manu 
scripts  from  me,  and  put  them  in  his  pocket. 

It  was  late  now,  for  it  had  taken  me  some  time  to 
read  my  stories,  but  he  did  not  show  any  signs  of 
going.  He  was  sitting  in  our  one  big  chair,  smoking, 
with  his  legs  stretched  out  in  front  of  him,  and  although 
his  eyes  were  half  closed,  he  was  watching  me  con 
stantly.  I  began  to  yawn,  because  I  was  becoming 
sleepy.  He  said  he  supposed  I  wanted  him  to  get  out. 
I  said  no,  I  didn't;  but  my  landlady  probably  did. 


ME  223 

She  did  n't  mind  our  having  men  callers  as  long  as 
they  went  before  midnight.  It  was  nearly  that  now. 
He  said: 

"  Damn  the  landlady !  "  just  as  he  had  said,  "  Damn 
the  new  man !  "  Then  he  added,  "  You  're  not  going 
to  be  run  by  every  one,  you  know." 

I  said  mischievously: 

"Just  by  you?" 

"  Just  by  me,"  he  replied. 

"  But  when  you  stay  away  so  long  — " 

It  irritated  him  for  me  to  refer  to  that.  He  said 
that  there  were  certain  matters  I  would  n't  understand 
that  had  kept  him  in  Richmond,  and  that  he  had 
come  as  soon  as  he  could.  He  added  that  he  was 
involved  in  some  lawsuit,  and  that  he  was  being 
watched,  and  had  to  be  "  careful."  I  could  n't  see  why 
he  should  be  watched  because  of  a  lawsuit,  and  I  asked : 

"Would  you  be  arrested?" 

He  threw  back  his  head  and  laughed,  and  said  I  was 
a  "  queer  little  thing,"  and  then,  after  a  while,  he  said 
very  seriously: 

"  It 's  just  as  well,  anyway.  We  must  n't  get  the 
habit  of  needing  each  other  too  much." 

I  asked: 

"  Do  you  think  it  possible  you  could  ever  need  me?" 
To  which  he  replied  very  soberly : 

"  I  need  you  more  than  you  would  believe." 

Mr.  Hamilton  never  made  a  remark  like  that,  which 
revealed  any  sentiment  for  me,  without  seeming  to  re- 


224  ME 

gret  it  a  moment  later.  Now  he  got  up  abruptly  and 
asked  me  which  room  I  slept  in.  I  said  generally  in 
the  inner  one,  because  Lolly  came  in  late  from  her  night 
work  and  engagements. 

"  I  want  to  see  your  room,"  he  said,  "  and  I  want  to 
see  what  clothes  you  need." 

He  knew  much  about  women's  clothes.  I  felt 
ashamed  to  have  him  poking  about  among  my  poor 
things  like  that,  and  I  grew  very  red;  but  he  took  no 
notice  of  me,  and  jotted  down  some  things  in  his  note 
book.  He  said  I  would  need  this,  that,  and  other 
things. 

I  said  weakly : 

"  You  need  n't  think  I  'm  going  to  let  you  get  me 
clothes.  Honestly,  I  won't  wear  them  if  you  do." 

He  tilted  up  my  chin,  and  spoke  down  into  my  face : 

"  Now,  Nora,  listen  to  me.  Either  you  are  going 
to  live  and  dress  as  I  want  you  to,  or  I  am  positively 
not  coming  to  see  you  again.  Do  you  understand?  " 

"  Well,  I  can  get  my  own  clothes,"  I  said  stub 
bornly. 

"  Not  the  kind  I  want  you  to  have,  not  the  kind  7  am 
going  to  get  you." 

He  still  had  his  hand  under  my  chin,  and  I  looked 
straight  into  his  eyes. 

"  If  you  tell  me  just  once,"  I  said,  "  that  you  care 
for  me,  I  '11  —  I  '11  —  take  the  clothes  then." 

"  I  '11  say  anything  you  want  me  to,"  he  said,  "  if 
you  '11  do  what  I  tell  you." 


ME  225 

I  took  him  up  at  that. 

"  All  right,  then.  Say,  '  I  love  you,'  and  you  can 
buy  pearls  for  me,  if  you  want  to." 

He  gave  me  a  deep  look  that  made  me  thrill,  and  I 
drew  back  from  his  hand.  He  said  in  a  low  voice : 

'  You  can  have  the  pearls,  anyway." 

"  But  I  'd  rather  have  the  words,"  I  stammered,  now 
ashamed  of  myself,  and  confused  under  his  look. 

"  Consider  them  said,  then,"  he  said,  and  he  laughed. 
I  could  n't  bear  him  to  laugh  at  me,  and  I  said : 

"  You  don't  mean  it.  I  made  you  say  it,  and  there 
fore  it  has  no  meaning.  I  wish  it  were  true." 

"  Perhaps  it  is,"  he  said. 

"  Is  it  ?  "  I  demanded  eagerly. 

"Who  knows?"  said  he. 

Lolly  came  in  then.  She  did  not  seem  at  all  pleased 
to  see  Mr.  Hamilton  there,  and  he  left  soon  after. 
When  he  was  gone,  she  told  me  I  was  a  very  silly 
girl  to  have  taken  him  into  my  room.  I  told  her  I 
had  n't ;  that  he  had  just  walked  in.  Lolly  asked  me, 
virtuously,  whether  I  had  ever  seen  her  let  a  man  go 
in  there,  and  I  confessed  I  had  not.  She  wanted  to 
know  whether  I  had  told  Mr.  Hamilton  about  Dick. 
Indeed,  I  had  not!  The  thought  of  telling  him  fright 
ened  me,  and  I  besought  Lolly  not  to  betray  me.  Also 
I  took  off  Dick's  ring.  I  intended  to  send  it  back  to 
him.  It  was  impossible  for  me  to  be  engaged  to  him 
now. 

Lolly   said   if  she  were  I,   she  wouldn't  let  Mr. 


226  ME 

Hamilton  buy  clothes  for  her.  She  said  once  he 
started  to  do  that,  he  would  expect  to  pay  for  every 
thing  for  me,  and  then,  said  Lolly,  the  first  thing  I 
knew,  people  would  be  saying  that  he  was  "keeping" 
me.  She  said  that  I  could  take  dinners,  flowers,  even 
jewels  from  a  man, —  though  in  "  high  society  "  girls 
couldn't  even  do  that;  but  working-girls  were  more 
free, —  and  I  could  go  to  the  theater  and  to  other  places 
with  him ;  but  it  was  a  fatal  step  when  a  man  began  to 
pay  for  a  girl's  room  and  clothes.  Lolly  added  that 
once  she  had  let  a  man  do  that  for  her,  and  —  She 
blew  out  a  long  whiff  of  smoke  from  her  lips,  saying, 
"  Never  more !  "  with  her  hand  held  solemnly  up. 

So  then  I  decided  I  could  n't  let  him  do  it,  and  I  felt 
very  sorry  that  I  had  even  weakened  a  little  bit  in  my 
original  resolve  not  to  let  him  spend  money  on  me.  I 
went  to  sleep  troubled  about  the  matter. 


XXII 

AS  soon  as  I  got  up  next  day  I  called  him  on  the 
telephone.     It  was  so  early  that  I  probably  woke 
him  up,  but  I  had  to  tell  him  what  was  on  my  mind. 

"  It 's  Nora,"  I  said. 

He  replied : 

"  Last  time  you  telephoned  to  me  you  were  in 
trouble ;  do  you  remember  ?  Are  you  in  trouble  now, 
little  girl?" 

I  said  I  was  n't,  but  I  just  wanted  to  say  I  could  n't 
and  would  n't  let  him  buy  clothes  for  me. 

I  knew  just  as  well  as  if  I  could  see  him  how  he  was 
looking  when  I  said  that.  He  was  used  to  having  his 
own  way,  and  that  I  dared  to  set  my  will  against  his 
always  made  him  angry.  After  a  moment  he  said : 

"  Will  you  do  something  else  to  please  me,  then?  " 

"What?" 

"  Don't  go  to  work  to-day." 

"  I  Ve  got  to;  truly  I  have." 

"  You  only  think  that.  Call  up  O'Brien  and  ask  to 
be  excused.  If  you  don't,  I  will.  Now  I  '11  be  up  at 
your  place  about  ten.  I  've  something  special  to  give 
you,  anyway." 

"What?" 

227 


228  ME 

"  I  can't  tell  you  on  the  'phone." 

"  We-ell,"  I  weakened;  "  all  right,  then." 

I  was  rewarded  beautifully  for  that. 

"  That 's  my  little  girl !  "  he  said. 

Then  he  rang  off.     I  never  would  have. 

So  I  stayed  home  from  work,  the  first  time  since  I 
had  been  at  the  yards  —  and  Fred's  last  day!  Mr. 
Hamilton  came  over  about  ten.  Lolly  was  still  sleep 
ing,  so  I  had  to  see  him  down-stairs  in  the  parlor. 
As  soon  as  I  saw  him,  I  held  out  my  hands  and  said : 

"  Where  's  the  special  thing?  " 

He  laughed.  I  could  make  him  laugh  easily  now, 
though  I  don't  believe  any  one  else  could.  He  pinched 
my  chin  and  said : 

"  Get  your  hat  on.     We  're  going  shopping." 

"  Now,  Mr.  Hamilton,  I  am  not  going  to  let  you  buy 
things  for  me." 

"  Did  I  say  I  was  going  to  do  that?  "  he  demanded. 

"  Well,  then,  how  can  we  shop?  " 

;'  You  have  some  money  of  your  own,  have  n't 
you?" 

'  Yes,  but  I  was  saving  it  for  furs  and  to  go  to  New 
York." 

"  Well,  you  can  get  the  furs  later,  and  you  're  not  go 
ing  to  New  York.  The  main  thing  is  you  need  a  decent 
suit  and  a  —  er  —  heavy  coat  to  wear  to  work,  since 
you  will  work ;  and  you  need  gloves  and  —  let  me  see 
your  shoes  -  [I  showed  them]  "  and  shoes,  a  hat 
and—" 


ME  229 

"  I  have  n't  the  money  for  all  those  things." 

"  Yes,  you  have.  I  know  a  place  where  you  can  get 
all  kinds  of  bargains.  Ever  hear  of  bargain-shops?  " 

No,  I  had  never  heard  of  bargain-shops,  though  I 
had  of  bargain-sales,  I  told  him.  Well,  it  was  the 
same  thing,  he  said,  except  that  this  particular  shop 
made  a  specialty  of  selling  nothing  but  bargains. 

That,  of  course,  tempted  me,  and  I  went  up  to  my 
room  and  put  on  my  coat  and  hat.  I  had  thirty  dollars, 
and  I  borrowed  ten  from  Lolly.  So  I  was  not  so  badly 
off.  He  was  right ;  I  really  needed  new  things,  and  I 
might  as  well  let  him  choose  them  for  me. 

That  was  a  happy  morning  for  me !  All  girls  love 
to  "  shop,"  and  there  was  a  joy  in  trying  on  lovely 
things,  even  if  I  could  n't  afford  them.  It  was  a  small 
shop  to  which  he  took  me,  but  the  things  there  were 
really  beautiful  and  astonishingly  cheap.  He  made 
them  try  many  things  on  me,  not  only  suits,  but  negli 
gees  and  evening  gowns. 

Then  he  chose  a  soft  dark-blue  velvet  suit,  trimmed 
with  the  loveliest  gray  fur  at  the  neck  and  sleeves.  I 
thought  it  must  be  very  expensive,  but  the  saleswoman 
said  it  was  only  fifteen  dollars.  I  had  never  heard  of 
such  a  bargain,  especially  as  a  hat,  trimmed  with  the 
fur,  and  a  muff  also  went  with  the  suit.  I  made  up 
my  mind  I  'd  bring  Lolly  here.  I  told  the  lady  who 
owned  the  store  that  I  would  bring  a  friend.  That 
made  her  laugh,  but  she  stopped,  because  Mr.  Hamil 
ton  frowned  and  looked  very  angry.  He  liked  to 


230  ME 

laugh  at  me  himself,  but  he  did  n't  want  others  to  do 
so,  and  I  liked  him  for  that. 

Still,  I  felt  uncomfortable.  The  woman's  laugh  had 
been  peculiar,  and  the  saleswomen  were  watching  me. 
I  bought,  too,  a  heavy  navy-blue  coat,  with  a  little  cape, 
and  belted,  just  the  thing  for  every  day,  and  gloves  and 
two  pairs  of  shoes.  She  said  that,  as  I  'd  bought  so 
much,  she  'd  give  me  silk  stockings  to  go  with  the 
shoes. 

Of  course  I  know  now  that  1  was  a  blind  fool;  but 
then  I  was  only  seventeen,  and  nine  months  before  I 
had  never  been  outside  my  home  city,  Quebec.  For 
that  matter,  I  hardly  knew  Quebec,  so  limited  and  con 
fined  is  the  life  of  the  poor.  I  thought  my  forty  dol 
lars  paid  for  all ;  I  did  think  that ! 

Mr.  Hamilton  was  in  a  fine  humor  now,  and  he  made 
me  wear  the  velvet  suit  and  the  hat  to  go  to  luncheon 
with  him,  and  where  do  you  suppose  he  took  me? 
Right  to  his  own  hotel.  There  he  introduced  me  to  a 
man  named  Townsend  who  was  waiting  for  him.  I 
did  n't  at  all  like  the  way  Mr.  Townsend  looked  at  me ; 
but  Mr.  Hamilton  did  not  seem  to  mind  it,  though  he 
was  quick  to  notice  such  things.  When  I  had  dined 
with  him  before,  if  any  man  stared  at  me,  he  used  to 
lean  over  and  say,  without  the  slightest  suggestion  of  a 
smile : 

"  Well,  what  shall  I  do  to  him?  Turn  the  seltzer  on 
him  or  push  his  face  in?" 

Mr.  Townsend,  however,  was  not  trying  to  flirt  with 


ME  231 

me,  as,  for  instance,  Mr.  Chambers  always  was.  He 
studied  me  curiously  and,  I  thought,  suspiciously.  He 
talked  in  an  undertone  to  Mr.  Hamilton,  and  I  am  sure 
they  were  talking  about  me.  I  did  hope  that  Mr. 
Townsend  had  not  noticed  any  mistakes  I  made  about 
the  knives  and  forks. 

I  was  glad  when  luncheon  was  over.  We  entered  a 
cab  again,  and  Mr.  Hamilton  directed  the  driver  to 
take  us  to  Mrs.  Kingston's.  I  asked  him  who  Mr. 
Townsend  was.  He  said  he  was  his  lawyer,  and  be 
gan  to  talk  about  something  else.  He  wanted  to  know 
if  I  was  n't  curious  to  know  what  that  special  thing  was 
he  had  to  give  me.  I  had  forgotten  about  it.  Now, 
of  course,  I  wanted  to  know. 

"  Well,"  he  said,  "  '  open  your  mouth  and  shut  your 
eyes,  and  in  your  mouth  you  '11  find  a  prize.' ' 

I  thought  he  was  going  to  give  me  a  candy,  so  I 
shut  my  eyes  and  opened  my  mouth,  just  like  a  foolish 
child ;  and  then  he  kissed  me.  It  was  n't  like  a  kiss  at 
all,  because  my  mouth  was  open;  but  he  seemed  to 
think  it  very  funny,  and  when  I  opened  my  eyes,  he 
was  sitting  back  in  the  carriage,  with  his  arms  folded, 
laughing  hard.  I  think  he  thought  that  a  good  joke 
on  me,  because  I  dare  say  he  knew  I  wanted  him  to 
kiss  me.  I  did  n't  think  it  a  good  joke  at  all,  and  I 
would  n't  speak  to  or  look  at  him,  and  my  face  grew 
hot  and  red,  and  at  last  he  said  teasingly : 

"  I  '11  have  to  keep  you  angry  all  the  time,  Nora. 
You  look  your  prettiest  then." 


232  ME 

I  said  with  dignity : 

"  You  know  very  well  I  'm  not  even  a  little  bit 
pretty,  and  I  wish  you  would  n't  make  fun  of  me,  Mr. 
Hamilton." 

He  was  still  laughing,  and  he  said : 

"  You  know  very  well  you  are  pretty,  you  little  fraud, 
and  my  name  is  Roger." 

I  never  called  him  Mr.  Hamilton  after  that. 


XXIII 

WHEN  I  introduced  Mr.  Hamilton  to  Mrs. 
Kingston,  she  put  on  her  glasses  and  examined 
him  curiously,  and  he  said,  with  a  rather  formal  smile, 
not  at  all  as  he  smiled  at  me : 

"  I  've  heard  quite  a  lot  about  you  from  Miss  As- 
cough,  and  am  very  glad  to  meet  you." 

"  I  Ve  known  all  about  you  for  some  time,"  she 
said,  chuckling.  And  then  she  added,  "  I  don't  know 
what  I  expected  to  see,  but  you  don't  quite  measure  up 
to  Nora's  extravagant  ideal." 

"No,  I  suppose  not,"  he  said,  his  eyes  twinkling. 
"  I  doubt  if  any  man  could  do  that." 

We  were  all  laughing,  and  I  said : 

"  Oh,  well,  I  know  he  's  not  much  to  look  at ;  but 
I  'm  crazy  about  him,  anyhow,  and  he  wants  to  see  the 
rooms." 

He  did  n't  think  the  little  room  nearly  good  enough 
for  me,  but  he  said  that  big  suite  of  rooms  in  front  was 
just  the  thing.  That  made  me  laugh.  Did  he  suppose 
any  stenographer  could  afford  a  luxurious  suite  of 
rooms  like  that?  There  was  a  long  room  that  ran 
across  the  front  of  the  house,  with  big  bay-windows 
and  a  great  fireplace,  and  opening  out  from  this 
room  was  a  large  bedroom,  with  a  bath-room  adjoin- 

233 


234 

ing  it.  As  one  may  see,  they  weren't  exactly  the 
rooms  a  girl  getting  fifteen  dollars  a  week  could  af 
ford. 

I  said : 

"  Tell  him  just  how  much  you  intend  to  '  soak  '  your 
prospective  roomer  for  these  palatial  chambers." 

She  started  to  say,  "  Twenty-five  dollars  a  week," 
which  was  what  she  had  told  me  she  expected  to  charge, 
when  I  saw  him  make  a  sign  to  her,  and  she  hesitated. 
Then  I  knew  he  intended  to  get  her  to  name  a  cheap 
price  just  for  me,  and  pay  the  difference  himself.  But 
now  I  was  too  quick  for  him.  He  had  actually  de 
ceived  me  about  those  clothes.  I  had  not  the  remotest 
idea  till  months  afterward  that  he  had  paid  for  them 
and  for  many  other  things  I  subsequently  bought,  or 
thought  I  bought ;  but  Mrs.  Kingston  had  already  told 
me  the  price  of  that  room.  So  I  said : 

"  It 's  no  use.     I  know  the  price." 

"  Yes,  but  for  a  friend,"  he  replied,  "  I  'm  sure  Mrs. 
Kingston  would  make  —  er  —  a  considerable  reduc 
tion." 

She  said  nothing.  I  don't  know  how  she  felt.  Of 
course  she  knew  that  I  was  in  love  with  him,  but,  as 
she  told  me  afterward,  she  could  n't  quite  make  out  just 
what  our  relations  were. 

"  That 's  all  very  well,"  I  said,  "  but  Mrs.  Kingston 
has  to  get  her  rent." 

Then  he  said : 

"  Well,  but  —  er  —  I  'm  sure  her  practice  is  going 


ME  235 

to  soar  from  now  on.  A  great  lawyer  like  Mrs.  Kings 
ton  need  not  rent  rooms  at  all." 

Still  she  said  nothing;  but  I  saw  her  watching  us 
both.  He  went  on  to  urge  me  to  have  these  rooms,  but 
of  course  the  idea  was  absurd.  It  was  really  provok 
ing  for  him  to  keep  pressing  me  to  have  things  I 
simply  could  not  afford  and  did  not  greatly  want.  I 
said  all  this.  Besides,  I  added,  it  would  be  foolish 
for  me  to  make  any  change  at  this  time.  Things  were 
uncertain  with  me  at  the  yards,  now  that  Fred  was 
leaving,  and  I  should  have  to  speak  to  Lolly,  anyhow. 

He  argued  that  if  I  expected  to  write,  I  should  have 
to  move.  No  one  could  write  in  such  disturbing  cir 
cumstances.  Of  course  that  was  true  enough,  and  I 
said  I  'd  talk  it  over  that  night  with  Lolly. 

He  took  out  some  money  then,  and  wanted  to  pay 
Mrs.  Kingston  so  much  down  on  the  rooms,  when  I  ex 
claimed  that  even  if  I  did  leave  Lolly,  I  did  n't  mean  to 
take  these  rooms,  but  the  little  one,  if  Mrs.  Kingston 
was  still  willing  to  let  me  have  it.  She  said  she  cer 
tainly  was ;  that  she  badly  wanted  me  to  come.  Both 
she  and  Mrs.  Owens  (the  woman  with  her)  needed  a 
young  person  about  the  place  to  make  them  forget 
what  old  fogies  they  were,  and  that  it  would  be  like 
a  real  home  to  have  me  there,  and  we  'd  all  be  very 
happy. 

It  ended  like  this :  he  took  that  suite  of  rooms.  He 
said  they  'd  be  there  for  me  to  have  at  any  time  I 
wanted  them.  I  told  him  it  was  just  a  waste  of  money, 


236  ME 

for  I  simply  would  not  let  him  pay  for  my  room  any 
more  than  I  would  let  him  pay  for  my  clothes,  and 
that  was  all  there  was  to  it. 

He  smiled  curiously  at  that,  and  asked  Mrs.  Kings 
ton  what  she  thought  of  my  clothes.  She  said  : 

"  I  have  n't  been  able  to  take  my  eyes  off  them. 
Nora  is  wonderful!  Does  it  seem  possible  that  clothes 
can  make  such  a  difference?  " 

She  wanted  to  know  where  I  got  them.  I  told  her, 
and  how  cheap  they  were.  She  was  amazed  at  the 
price,  and  Mr.  Hamilton  went  over  to  the  window  and 
looked  out.  How  clearly  this  all  comes  back  to  me 
now! 

All  the  way  back  to  my  rooms  he  argued  with  me 
about  the  matter.  He  said  if  I  had  a  pleasant  place 
like  that  to  live  in,  I  'd  soon  be  writing  masterpieces 
(ah,  he  knew  which  way  my  desires  ran!),  and  soon 
I  'd  not  have  to  work  in  offices  at  all.  To  take  rooms 
like  those,  he  said,  was  really  an  investment.  Business 
men  all  did  things  that  way.  It  was  part  of  the  game. 
He  wanted  me  to  try  it,  for  a  while,  and  at  last  I  said 
in  desperation : 

"  What 's  the  use  of  talking  about  it?  I  tell  you,  I 
have  n't  got  the  money." 

Then  he  said  (I  never  knew  a  man  who  could  so  per 
sist  about  a  thing  on  which  he  had  set  his  heart)  : 

"  Now,  look  here,  Nora,  I  've  got  more  money  than 
is  decent  for  any  one  person  to  have,  and  I  want  to 
spend  it  on  you.  I  want  to  give  you  things  —  com- 


ME  237 

forts  and  luxuries  and  all  the  pretty  things  a  girl  like 
you  ought  to  have.  If  you  could  see  yourself  now, 
you  'd  realize  what  a  difference  even  clothes  make. 
And  so  with  other  things.  I  want  to  take  hold  of  you 
and  make  you  over.  I  never  wanted  to  do  anything 
so  much  in  my  life  before.  Now  you  're  going  to  be  a 
good  girl,  are  n't  you,  and  not  deny  me  the  pleasure  — 
the  real  joy  it  gives  me  to  do  things  for  you,  dear  little 
girl?"  ' 

By  this  time  I  was  nearly  crying,  but  I  set  my  teeth 
together,  and  determined  not  to  be  won  over  to  some 
thing  I  knew  was  not  right. 

"  You  told  me  once,"  I  said,  "  that  all  any  one  had 
ever  wanted  of  you  was  your  money  —  your  'dirty 
money,'  you  called  it;  and  now,  just  because  I  won't 
take  it  from  you,  you  get  angry  with  me." 

"  Well,  but,  confound  it !     I  did  n't  mean  you  then." 

"  Oh,  yes,  you  did,  too ;  because  you  said  I  'd  be 
sending  for  more  money  in  a  week,  and  you  said  that  I 
was  made  to  have  it,  and  men  would  give  — " 

He  put  a  stop  to  my  too  vivid  recollections. 

"  But,  child,  I  had  no  idea  then  of  the  kind  of  girl 
you  were," — he  lowered  his  voice,  and  added  tenderly, 
he  was  trying  so  hard  to  have  his  way !  — "  of  the  ex 
ceptional,  wonderful  little  girl  you  are." 

"  But  I  would  n't  be  exceptional  or  wonderful,"  I 
protested,  "  if  I  took  your  money.  I  'd  be  common. 
No ;  I  'm  not  going  to  let  people  say  you  keep 
me!" 


238  ME 

", Where  did  you  hear  that  word?"  he  demanded 
roughly. 

11  From  Lolly  —  and  the  girls  at  the  Y.  W.  C.  A. 
Oh,  don't  you  suppose  I  know  what  that  means?  "  I 
was  looking  straight  at  him  now,  and  I  saw  his  face 
turn  red,  but  whether  with  anger  or  embarrassment,  I 
do  not  know.  He  said  in  a  sort  of  suppressed  way : 

"  Don't  you  know  that  men  who  keep  women  are 
their  lovers?  " 

I  nodded. 

He  sat  up  stiffly  now,  and  he  gave  me  a  cold,  almost 
sneering,  look  that  made  me  shiver.  Then  he  said : 

"  Have  I  ever  given  you  the  slightest  reason  to  sup 
pose  I  wanted  to  be  your  lover?" 

I  shriveled  up  not  only  at  his  words,  but  at  his  look, 
and  I  turned  my  face  away,  and  looked  out  of  the  win 
dow  of  the  cab  without  seeing  anything.  It  was  true 
he  had  never  pretended  to  care  for  me.  I  was  the  one 
who  had  done  all  the  caring,  and  now  it  almost  seemed 
as  if  he  were  throwing  this  up  to  me  as  something  of 
which  to  be  ashamed.  But  though  my  face  was  burn 
ing,  I  felt  no  shame,  only  a  sort  of  misery. 

"  Well  ?  "  he  prompted  me,  for  I  had  not  answered 
that  last  brutal  query.  Without  looking  at  him,  I  said, 
in  a  shaking  little  voice,  for  I  was  heartbroken  to  think 
that  he  could  use  such  a  tone  to  me  or  look  at  me  in 
that  way : 

"  No,  you  have  n't.  In  fact,  if  you  had,  perhaps  I 
might  have  done  what  you  wanted." 


ME  239 

He  came  closer  to  me  in  the  carriage  when  I  said 
that,  but  I  shrank  away  from  him.  I  was  nearer  to 
disliking  him  then  than  at  any  time  in  my  acquaintance 
with  him. 

"  You  mean,"  he  said,  "  that  if  I  were  your  lover, 
you  would  be  willing  to  —  live  with  me  —  like  that? 
Is  that  what  you  mean,  Nora  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I  don't  know  what  I  mean,"  I  said.  "  I  don't 
pretend  to  be  respectable  and  good  in  the  way  the 
women  of  your  class  are.  I  suppose  I  have  no  morals. 
I  'm  only  a  girl  in  love  with  a  man;  and  if  —  if  —  he 
cared  for  me  as  I  did  for  him,  I  'd  be  willing  to  do  any 
thing  in  the  world  he  wished  me  to.  I  'd  be  willing  to 
die  for  him.  But  if  he  did  n't  —  if  he  did  n't  care  for 
me,  don't  you  see,  I  could  n't  take  anything  from  him. 
I  should  feel  degraded." 

It  was  a  tangled,  passionate  sort  of  reasoning.  For* 
a  long  time  after  that  we  rode  along  in  silence,  I  look 
ing  out  of  the  window,  and  he  looking  constantly  at  me. 
I  could  feel  his  eyes  on  me,  and  I  did  not  dare  to  turn 
around.  Then  presently  he  said : 

"  I  'm  all  kinds  of  a  rotter,  Nora,  but  I  'm  straight 
about  you.  You  're  my  wonderful  girl,  the  oasis  in  my 
life.  I  would  n't  harm  a  hair  of  your  precious  little 
head.  If  I  were  to  tell  you  I  loved  you,  I  would  precipi 
tate  a  tragedy  upon  you  that  you  do  not  deserve.  So 
I  am  not  going  to  say  any  such  thing  to  you."  He 
cleared  his  throat,  and  as  I  said  nothing,  he  went  on 
strongly,  it  seemed  to  me : 


240  ME 

"  Your  friend,  Lolly,  is  right  about  men,  and  I  'm 
not  different  from  other  men  as  far  as  women  are  con 
cerned  ;  but  in  your  case  I  am.  My  desire  to  do  things 
for  you  is  based  on  no  selfish  design.  I  assure  you  of 
that.  I  simply  have  an  overwhelming  desire  to  take 
care  of  you,  Nora,  to  help  you." 

I  said  with  as  much  composure  as  I  could  com 
mand: 

"  Thank  you,  I  don't  need  help.  I  'm  not  so  badly 
off  as  you  think.  I  make  pretty  good  money,  and, 
anyway,  I  'm  independent,  and  that 's  a  big  thing." 

"  But  you  have  to  work  like  a  slave.  I  can't  bear  to 
think  of  that,  and  as  for  being  independent,  you  won't 
be  any  the  less  so  if  you  let  me  do  things  for  you.  You 
may  go  on  with  your  life  in  your  own  way.  I  '11  never 
interfere  or  try  to  dictate  to  you  about  anything." 

Almost  hysterically  I  cried  out : 

"  Oh,  please  stop  talking  about  this !  Every  time 
you  come  here  you  scold  me  about  something." 

"  Why,  Nora,"  he  said  aggrievedly,  "  I  have  never 
asked  you  to  do  anything  but  this.  That 's  the  only 
thing  I  ever  scolded  you  about." 

"  Look  how  you  acted  that  first  night,  when  you  saw 
me  with  Lolly  and  Mr.  Chambers,  and  then  the  night  I 
was  up  with  Fred.  You  wanted  to  beat  me !  I  saw  it 
in  your  face.  You  could  no  more  help  dictating  to  and 
scolding  me  than  you  can  help  coming  to  see  me 
now." 

The  last  sentence  slipped  out  before  I  knew  it,  and 


ME  241 

he  sat  up  sharply  at  that,  and  then  laughed,  uncomfort 
ably. 

"  I  am  a  dog  in  the  manger  as  far  as  you  are  con 
cerned,"  he  said;  "but  I'll  turn  over  a  new  leaf  if 
you  '11  let  me  do  these  things  for  you." 

I  smiled  ruefully,  for  I  was  beginning  to  know  him 
so  well  now,  and  I  sighed.  He  asked  me  why  I  sighed, 
and  then  I  asked  him  in  turn  just  why  he  wanted  to 
do  these  things  for  me.  He  paused  a  moment,  and 
then  said  slowly,  and  not  without  considerable  emo 
tion: 

"  I  've  told  you  why  before,  Nora.  I  'm  interested 
in  you.  You  're  my  find,  my  discovery.  I  take  a 
special  pride  in  everything  connected  with  you. 
You  're  the  one  thing  in  life  I  take  a  real  interest  in, 
and  I  want  to  watch  you,  and  see  you  develop.  I 
haven't  the  slightest  doubt  of  your  eventual  suc 
cess." 

"  Hum !  You  look  upon  me  as  a  sort  of  curiosity, 
don't  you?" 

"  Nonsense !     Don't  talk  so  foolishly !  " 

But  I  knew  that  that  was  just  how  he  did  regard  me, 
and  it  made  me  sick  at  heart.  My  beautiful  day  had 
clouded  over.  I  supposed  that  nothing  in  the  world 
would  ever  induce  this  man  to  admit  any  feeling  for  me 
but  interest.  Well,  I  wanted  to  love  and  to  be  loved, 
and  it  was  a  cold  sort  of  substitute  he  was  offering  me 
—  pretty  clothes  and  fine  rooms.  I  could  earn  all  those 
things  myself  in  time. 


242  ME 

"  Now,  then,"  he  said,  "  you  are  going  to  be  my  darl 
ing,  reasonable  little  girl,  aren't  you?  After  all,  it 
is  n't  so  much  I  am  asking  of  you.  All  I  want  you  to 
do  is  to  leave  your  position  and  go  to  live  with  this  Mrs. 
Kingston.  She  struck  me  as  being  all  right,  and  the 
rooms  are  exceedingly  attractive,  though  we  '11  furnish 
them  over  ourselves.  And  then  you  are  going  to  let 
me  get  you  the  proper  kind  of  clothes  to  wear.  I  '11 
choose  them  myself  for  you,  Nora.  Then,  since  you 
won't  go  to  school, —  and,  you  see,  I  'm  willing  to  let 
that  go, —  why,  we  can  arrange  for  you  to  take  special 
lessons  in  languages  and  things  like  that,  and  there  are 
certain  English  courses  you  can  take  up  at  North 
western.  And  I  want  you  to  study  music,  too,  piano 
and  vocal  —  the  violin,  too,  if  you  like.  I  'm  specially 
fond  of  music,  and  I  think  it  would  be  a  good  thing  for 
you  to  take  it  up.  Then  in  the  spring  you  shall  go 
abroad.  I  have  to  go  myself  about  that  time,  and  I 
want  to  see  your  face  when  you  see  Europe,  honey." 
That  was  the  only  Southern  endearing  term  he  ever  ap 
plied  to  me,  and  I  had  never  heard  it  used  before.  "  It 
will  be  a  revelation  to  you.  And  now  the  whole  thing 
is  settled,  isn't  it?" 

I  hated,  after  all  this,  to  have  to  refuse  again,  so  I 
did  n't  answer  him,  and  he  said,  taking  my  hand,  and 
leaning,  oh,  so  coaxingly  toward  me: 

"  It 's  all  settled,  is  n't  it,  dear?  " 

I  turned  around,  and  shouted  at  him  almost  hysteri 
cally  : 


ME  243 

"  No,  it  is  n't.  And  I  wish  you  'd  shut  up  about 
those  things.  You  only  make  me  miserable." 

If  I  had  stung  him,  he  could  not  have  drawn  back 
from  me  more  sharply. 

"  Oh,  very  well,"  he  said,  and  threw  himself  back  in 
his  seat,  his  face  looking  like  a  thunder-cloud. 

He  did  n't  speak  another  word  to  me,  and  when  the 
carriage  stopped  at  my  door,  he  got  out,  assisted  me 
from  the  carriage,  and  then  immediately  got  in  again 
himself.  I  stood  at  the  curb,  my  hand  on  the  door 
of  the  carriage,  and  I  said: 

"  Please  don't  go  like  this." 

"  I  'm  sorry,  but  I  am  taking  the  6 109  train." 

"  Take  a  later  train." 

"  No,  thank  you." 

"Please!" 

"  Sorry.     Good-by." 

"  Please  don't  be  angry  with  me !  " 

He  did  n't  answer.  It  was  terrible  to  have  him  go 
like  that,  and  I  asked  him  when  he  was  coming  back. 

"  I  can't  say,"  was  his  curt  response.  Then  his 
angry  glance  fixed  me,  and  he  said  slowly: 

"  You  can  let  me  know  when  you  take  those  rooms 
I  chose  for  you.  I  '11  come  then  —  at  once." 

And  that  is  the  cruel  way  he  left  me.  I  was  heart 
broken  in  a  way,  but  I  was  angry,  too.  I  went  up  to 
my  room,  and  sat  on  the  couch,  and  as  I  slowly  pulled 
off  my  new  gloves,  I  was  not  thinking  kindly  of  Mr. 
R.  A.  Hamilton.  No  man  had  a  right  to  impose  his 


244 

will  in  this  way  on  a  girl  and  to  demand  of  her  some 
thing  that  she  could  not  do  without  losing  her  self-re 
spect.  I  asked  myself  whether,  because  I  loved  this 
man,  I  was  willing  to  make  of  myself  a  pusillanimous 
little  door-mat,  or  if  I  had  enough  pride  to  stand  by 
my  own  convictions? 

I  had  humbled  myself  enough  to  him;  indeed,  I  had 
virtually  offered  myself  to  him.  But  he  did  not  want 
me.  He  had  made  that  clear  enough.  If,  in  the  cir 
cumstances,  I  took  from  him  the  gifts  he  offered  me, 
I  would  roll  up  a  debt  I  could  never  wipe  out.  Now, 
although  poor  and  working,  I  was  a  free  woman. 
What  I  had,  I  honestly  earned.  I  was  no  doll  or 
parasite  who  needed  to  be  carried  by  others.  No! 
To  retain  my  belief  in  my  own  powers,  I  must  prove 
that  they  actually  existed.  Only  women  without  re 
sources  in  themselves,  without  gifts  or  brains,  were 
"  kept "  by  men,  either  as  mistresses  or  wives  or  from 
charity,  as  Hamilton  wished  to  "  keep  "  me.  I  had 
the  youthful  conviction  that  /  was  one  of  the  excep 
tional  souls  of  the  world,  and  could  carry  myself. 
Was  I,  then,  to  be  bought  by  the  usual  foolish  things 
that  attract  the  ordinary  woman?  No!  Not  even 
my  love- could  alter  my  character. 

Now,  there  really  was  a  fine  streak  in  me,  for  I  did 
want  pretty  things  (what  young  girl  does  not?),  I 
hated  my  work,  and  I  loved  this  man,  and  wanted 
above  all  things  on  earth  to  please  him. 

Lolly  said,  to  jerk  one's  mind  from  too  much  brood- 


ME  245 

ing  over  one  man,  one  should  think  of  another.  I  dis 
covered  another  method  of  distraction.  Pretty  clothes 
are  a  balm  even  to  a  broken  heart,  and  although  I  was 
clever,  I  was  also  eternally  feminine.  My  things  had 
arrived  from  the  shop,  and  they  were  so  lovely, —  so 
much  lovelier  than  I  had  thought, —  that  I  was  en 
chanted.  Lolly  came  in  while  I  was  lifting  the  things 
from  the  boxes.  I  had  n't  taken  off  my  suit,  and  she 
turned  me  around  to  look  at  me. 

"Isn't  it  stunning,  Lolly?"  I  asked.  "And,  just 
think,  it  was  only  fifteen  dollars,  suit,  hat,  muff,  and 
all." 

Lolly's  unbelieving  glance  swept  me,  then  she  threw 
her  cigarette  down,  and  said  spitefully : 

"  For  the  love  of  Mike,  Nora,  cut  it  out !  You  're  a 
poor  little  liar !  " 

"  Liar !     What  do  you  mean,  Lolly  Hope  ?  " 

I  was  furious  at  the  insult,  capping  all  I  had  gone 
through. 

"That  suit  you  have  on  never  cost  one  penny  less 
than  $150.  The  fur  alone  is  easily  worth  half  of  that. 
It 's  silver  fox,  an  inch  of  which  is  worth  several  dol 
lars,  and  that  muff — "  She  laughed  disgustedly. 
"What  do  you  take  me  for,  anyhow,  to  try  to  spring 
that  fifteen-dollar  gag  on  me?  " 

"  It  was  marked  down,  I  tell  you,  at  a  bargain 
sale." 

"Oh,  come  off,  Nora!  Don't  try  that  on  me.  I 
know  where  you  got  those  clothes.  That  man  Hamil- 


246  ME 

ton  gave  them  to  you.  You  did  n't  follow  my  advice, 
I  see."  She  shrugged  her  shoulders.  "Of  course 
it 's  your  own  affair,  and  I  'm  the  last  to  blame  you  or 
any  other  girl  for  a  thing  like  that,  but,  for  heaven's 
sake,  don't  think  it  necessary  to  make  up  fairy-tales  to 
me!" 

"  Lolly,  I  swear  to  you  that  I  paid  for  these  myself." 

"  Tell  it  to  the  marines !  "  said  Lolly. 

"  Then  see  for  yourself.  Here  are  the  price-tags, 
and  here  's  the  bill,"  I  cried  excitedly,  and  I  thrust 
them  upon  her.  Everything  came  to  exactly  forty 
dollars.  Lolly  looked  the  bill  over  carefully ;  then  she 
put  her  cigarette  in  her  mouth,  and  looked  at  me.  All 
of  a  sudden  she  began  to  laugh.  She  threw  her  head 
back  upon  the  sofa  pillows  and  just  laughed  and 
laughed,  while  I  became  angrier  and  angrier  with  her. 
I  waited  till  she  was  through,  and  then  I  said,  very 
much  injured: 

"  Now  you  can  apologize  to  me,  Lolly  Hope." 

"  You  blessed  infant,"  she  cried,  "  I  'm  in  the  dust 
at  your  feet.  One  thing 's  sure,  and  I  guess  friend 
Hamilton  is  wise  to  that :  there  's  no  one  like  you  in 
this  dull  old  world  of  ours !  " 


XXIV 

MY  new  "  boss  "  at  the  yards  was  a  sharp-nosed, 
sharp-eyed  old-young  man  who  seemed  to  think 
that  his  chief  mission  in  life  was  to  crack  a  sort  of 
mental  whip,  like  an  overseer,  over  the  heads  of  those 
under  him,  and  keep  us  all  hustling  and  rushing  like 
frightened  geese. 

I  had  been  accustomed  to  answer  the  correspondence 
of  the  soap  department  myself,  Fred  merely  noting  a 
few  words  in  pencil  on  each  letter,  giving  the  gist  of 
what  he  wanted  said ;  but  Mr.  Hopkins  dictated  every 
thing,  and  as  soon  as  I  was  through  one  batch  of  corre 
spondence,  he  would  find  something  else  for  me  to  do. 
It  seemed  to  give  him  a  pain  for  my  typewriter  to 
be  idle  a  moment.  I  think  I  was  on  his  mind  all  the 
time  except  when  he  was  thinking  up  work  for  Red 
Top. 

My  position,  therefore,  had  become  a  very  hard  one. 
I  worked  incessantly  from  nine  till  six.  Fred  had  let 
me  off  at  five-thirty  and  often  at  five;  but  Mr.  Hopkins 
kept  me  till  six.  I  think  he  'd  have  made  it  seven,  but 
the  bell  rang  at  six,  and  the  office  was  supposed  to  close 
after  that. 

Many  a  time  I  Ve  seen  him  glance  regretfully  at  the 

247 


248  ME 

clock  or  make  an  impatient  movement  with  his  shoul 
ders  at  the  clanging  of  the  bell,  at  which  moment  I  al 
ways  banged  my  type-writer  desk,  and  swiftly  de 
parted. 

How  I  missed  Fred !  He  had  made  life  at  the  yards 
tolerable  and  even  amusing  for  me  with  his  jokes  and 
confidences.  And,  then,  there  's  a  pleasure  in  working 
for  some  one  you  know  approves  of  you  and  likes  you. 
Fred  did  like  me.  In  a  way,  I  don't  think  any  one 
ever  liked  me  better  than  poor  Fred  did. 

It  makes  me  sad  to  think  that  the  best  girl  friend 
I  ever  had,  Lolly,  and  the  best  man  friend,  Fred,  are 
now  both  gone  out  of  this  world,  where  I  may  have 
still  such  a  long  road  to  travel. 

I  hated  my  position  now.  I  was  nothing  but  an 
overworked  machine.  Moreover,  the  routine  of  the 
work  was  deadening.  When  I  answered  the  letters 
myself,  it  gave  a  slight  diversion;  but  now  I  simply 
took  dictation  and  transcribed  it,  and  when  I  was 
through  with  that,  I  copied  pages  of  itemized  stuff. 
My  mind  became  just  like  a  ticker  that  tapped  off  this 
or  that  curt  and  dry  formula  of  business  letter  in  which 
soap,  soap,  soap  stood  out  big  and  slimy. 

I  now  neither  wrote  at  night  nor  went  out.  I  was 
too  tired  from  the  incessant  labor  at  the  type-writer, 
and  when  I  got  to  sleep, —  after  two  or  three  hours,  in 
which  I  lay  awake  thinking  of  Mr.  Hamilton  and 
wondering  whether  I  would  ever  see  him  again;  I  al 
ways  wondered  about  that  when  he  was  away, —  I  de- 


ME  249 

clare,  I  would  hear  the  tap-tapping  of  that  typewriter 
all  night  long!  Other  type-writists  have  had  the  same 
experience.  One  ought  to  escape  from  one's  treadmill 
at  least  in  sleep. 

But  this  is  a  world  of  miracles ;  doubt  it  who  can. 

There  came  a  glorious  day  late  in  the  month  of  Nov 
ember  —  to  be  exact,  it  was  November  24.  No,  Mr. 
Hamilton  did  not  come  again.  He  was  still  waiting 
for  my  capitulation  anent  the  rooms  at  Mrs.  Kings 
ton's. 

This  is  what  happened:  I  was  type-writing,  when 
Red  Top  came  in  with  the  mail.  He  threw  down  on 
my  desk  some  personal  letters  that  had  come  for  me. 
Although  Mr.  Hopkins  was  at  his  desk,  and  I  knew  it 
was  a  criminal  offense  to  stop  any  office  work  to  at 
tend  to  a  personal  matter,  I  reached  over  and  picked 
up  my  letters.  I  heard  my  "  boss  "  cough  significantly 
as  I  glanced  through  them.  Two  were  from  home, 
and  I  put  them  down,  intending  to  read  them  at  noon. 
One  was  from  Fred.  I  put  that  down,  too.  And  the 
other!  Oh,  that  other!  It  was  from  —  listen!  It 
was  from  the  editor  of  that  great  magazine  in  New 
York !  I  opened  it  with  trembling  fingers.  The  words 
jumped  up  at  me  and  embraced  me!  My  story  was 
accepted,  and  a  check  for  fifty  dollars  accompanied 
that  brief,  but  blessed,  note. 

Mr.  Hopkins  was  clearing  his  throat  so  pronouncedly 
now  that  I  turned  deliberately  about  in  my  chair  and 
grinned  hard  at  him.  He  glared  at  me  indignantly. 


250  ME 

Little  idiot!  He  thought  I  was  trying  to  flirt  with 
him! 

"  Are  you  through,  Miss  Ascough?  "  he  asked. 

"  No,  Mr.  Hopkins,"  I  responded  blandly,  "  and  I 
never  will  be  now.  I  Ve  just  come  into  some  money, 
and  I  'm  not  going  to  work  for  you  any  more." 

"  What!  What! "  he  said  in  his  sharp  little  voice, 
just  like  a  duck  quacking. 

I  repeated  what  I  had  said,  and  I  stood  up  now,  and 
began  gathering  my  things  together  —  my  pocketbook, 
handkerchief,  odds  and  ends  in  my  desk,  and  the  rose 
that  Mr.  Smith  had  given  me  that  day. 

Mr.  Hopkins  had  a  nasal,  excitable,  squeaking  sort 
of  voice,  like  the  querulous  bark  of  a  dog  —  a  little 
dog. 

"  But,  Miss  Ascough,  you  don't  mean  to  say  you  are 
leaving  now  ?  " 

"  Yes,  I  do  mean  to  say  it,"  I  replied,  smiling  glo 
riously. 

"  But  surely  you  '11  finish  the  letter  on  the  ma 
chine." 

"  I  surely  will  not,"  said  I.  "  I  don't  have  to  work 
any  more.  Good-by."  And  out  I  marched,  or,  rather, 
flew,  without  waiting  to  collect  three  days'  pay  due  me, 
and  resigning  a  perfectly  good  fifteen-dollar-a-week 
job  on  the  first  money  I  ever  received  for  a  story! 

I  did  not  walk  on  solid  ground,  I  assure  you.  I  flew 
on  wings  that  carried  me  soaring  above  that  Land  of 
Odors,  where  I  had  worked  for  four  and  a  half  hard 


ME  251 

months,  right  up  into  the  clouds,  and  every  one  knows 
the  clouds  are  near  to  heaven. 

Mr.  Hamilton  ?  Oh,  yes,  I  did  remember  some  such 
person.  Let  me  see.  He  was  the  man  who  thought 
I  was  incapable  of  taking  care  of  myself,  and  who 
grandiloquently  wanted  to  "  make  me  over " ;  who 
once  said  I  was  "  ignorant,  uncivilized,  undisciplined," 
and  would  never  get  anywhere  unless  I  followed  his 
lordly  advice.  How  I  laughed  inwardly  at  the  thought 
of  the  effect  upon  him  of  those  astounding  conquests 
that  /  was  to  make  in  the  charming  golden  world  that 
was  smiling  and  beckoning  to  me  now. 

As  soon  as  I  got  to  my  room,  I  sat  down  and  wrote 
a  letter  to  him.  I  wanted  him  to  know  right  away. 
In  fact,  I  had  a  feeling  that  if  he  did  n't  know,  then  all 
the  pleasure  of  my  triumph  might  go.  This  is  what 
I  said  to  him : 

Dear  Roger: 

[Yes,  I  called  him  Roger  now.] 

Read,  mark,  learn,  and  inwardly  digest  the  inclosed  thrill 
ing,  extraordinary,  and  absorbing  indorsement  of 

Your  abused  and  forsaken 

NORA. 

How  had  he  the  heart  not  to  answer  that  letter  of 
mine,  I  wondered. 

Girls  love  candies,  pretty  clothes,  jewelry,  geegaws, 
and,  as  the  old  song  has  it,  "  apples  and  spices  and 
everything  nicest,"  they  like  boys  and  men  and  all  such 


252  ME 

trifling  things.  Those  are  the  things  that  make  them 
giggle  and  thrill  and  weep  and  sometimes  kill  them 
selves  ;  but  I  tell  you  there  is  n't  a  thrill  comparable 
with  that  electric  and  ecstatic  shock  that  comes  to  a 
young  girl  writer  when,  after  many  rebuffs,  her  first 
story  is  accepted.  Of  course,  alas!  that  thrill  is  brief, 
and  soon  one  finds,  with  wonder,  that  the  world  is 
actually  going  on  just  the  same,  and,  more  wonder  of 
wonders!  there  are  still  trouble  and  pain  and  tragedy 
and  other  ugly  things  crawling  about  upon  the  face  of 
the  earth.  Ah  me!  They  say  the  weird,  seeking 
sound  of  a  new  soul  is  the  most  beautiful  music  on 
earth  to  the  ears  of  a  mother.  I  think  a  poet  feels 
that  way  toward  his  first  poem  or  story  that  comes 
to  life.  The  ecstasy,  the  pain,  and  thrill  of  creating 
and  bearing  —  are  they  not  all  here,  too  ?  I  know  that 
often  one's  "child"  is  unworthy,  uncouth,  sometimes 
deformed,  or,  worse,  a  misshapen  and  appalling  mon 
ster,  a  criminal  product,  as  it  were ;  but  none  the  less  he 
is  one's  own,  and  one's  love  will  accompany  him,  even 
as  a  mother's,  to  the  gallows. 

"  It  never  rains  but  it  pours,"  says  a  homely  old 
adage.  I  thought  this  was  the  case  with  me  now. 
Within  a  few  days  after  I  got  that  letter  and  check,  lo 
and  behold!  I  had  three  stories  accepted  by  a  certain 
Western  magazine.  I  was  sure  now  that  I  was  not 
only  going  to  be  famous  immediately,  but  fabulously 
wealthy. 

Three  stories,   say,   at  fifty  dollars  each,  made  a 


ME  253 

hundred  and  fifty;  add  the  fifty  I  had  from  the  New 
York  magazine,  and  you  perceive  I  would  possess  two 
hundred  dollars.  Then  do  not  forget  that  I  had  as 
well  a  little  black  suitcase  full  of  other  stories  and 
poems,  and  an  abortive  effort  at  a  novel,  to  say  noth 
ing  of  a  score  of  articles  about  Jamaica.  Besides,  my 
head  was  teeming  with  extraordinary  and  unusual 
plots  and  ideas, —  at  least  they  seemed  extraordinary 
and  original  to  me, —  and  I  felt  that  all  I  had  to  do 
•was  to  shut  myself  up  somewhere  alone,  and  out  they 
would  pour. 

I  now  sat  down  on  the  floor,  with  my  suitcase  before 
me,  and  I  made  a  list  of  all  my  stories,  put  prices  oppo 
site  them,  added  up  the  list,  and,  bedad!  as  O'Brien 
would  say,  I  was  a  rich  girl ! 

In  fact  I  felt  so  confident  and  recklessly  happy  that 
nothing  would  do  but  I  must  treat  Lolly  and  Hermann 
to  a  fine  dinner  and  the  theater.  My  fifty  dollars 
dropped  to  forty.  But  of  course  I  was  to  get  one  hun 
dred  and  fifty  for  those  other  three  stories.  It 's  true, 
the  letter  accepting  them  did  not  mention  the  price, 
but  I  supposed  that  all  magazines  paid  about  the  same, 
and  even  though  in  the  case  of  the  Western  magazine 
I  was  to  be  "paid  upon  publication,"  I  was  sure  my 
stories  would  be  published  soon.  In  fact,  I  thought 
it  a  good  thing  that  I  was  not  paid  all  at  once,  because 
then  I  might  be  tempted  to  spend  the  money.  As  it 
was,  it  would  come  in  just  about  the  time  I  was  through 
with  the  fifty. 


254 

If  my  ignorance  in  this  matter  seems  infantile,  I 
think  I  may  confidently  refer  my  readers  to  certain 
other  authors  who  in  the  beginning  of  their  careers 
have  been  almost  as  credulous  and  visionary  as  I.  It 's 
a  matter  of  wonder  how  any  person  who  is  capable  of 
writing  a  story  can  in  other  matters  be  so  utterly  im 
practical  and  positively  devoid  of  common  sense. 

I  never  saw  fifty  dollars  fly  away  as  quickly  as  that 
fifty  dollars  of  mine.  I  really  don't  know  what  it 
went  for,  though  I  did  swagger  about  a  bit  among 
my  friends.  I  took  Mrs.  Kingston  and  Mrs.  Owens, 
the  woman  who  lived  with  her,  to  the  theater,  and  I 
went  over  to  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.  several  times  and  treated 
Estelle  and  a  lot  of  my  old  acquaintances  to  ice-cream 
sodas  and  things  like  that. 

I  avidly  watched  the  news-stands  for  the  December 
number  of  that  Western  magazine  to  appear,  and  when 
it  did  come  out,  I  was  so  sure  at  least  one  of  my  stories 
was  in  it,  that  I  was  confounded  and  stunned  when  I 
found  that  it  was  not.  I  thought  some  mistake  must 
have  been  made,  and  bought  two  other  copies  to  make 
sure. 

I  was  now  down  to  my  last  six  dollars.  I  awoke  to 
the  seriousness  of  my  position.  I  would  have  to  go  to 
work  again  and  immediately.  The  thought  of  this 
hurt  me  acutely,  not  so  much  because  I  hated  the  work, 
but  because  I  realized  that  my  dream  of  instant  fame 
and  fortune  was  in  fact  only  a  dream. 

The  December  number  of  the  New  York  magazine 


ME  255 

also  was  out,  but  my  story  was  not  in  it.  I  wrote  to 
the  editors  of  both  the  Eastern  and  Western  maga 
zines,  and  asked  when  my  stories  would  appear.  I 
got  answers  within  a  few  days.  The  New  York  maga 
zine  said  that  they  were  made  up  for  several  months 
ahead,  but  hoped  to  use  my  story  by  next  summer, — 
it  was  the  first  week  in  December  now, —  and  the 
Western  magazine  wrote  vaguely  that  they  planned  to 
use  my  stories  in  "  the  near  future." 

I  wrote  such  a  desperate  letter  to  the  editor  of  that 
Western  magazine,  imploring  him  to  use  my  stories 
very  soon,  that  I  must  have  aroused  his  curiosity,  for 
he  wrote  me  that  he  expected  to  be  in  Chicago  "  some 
time  next  month,"  and  would  be  much  pleased  to  call 
upon  me  and  discuss  the  matter  of  the  early  publication 
of  my  stories  and  others  he  would  like  to  have  me  write 
for  them. 

I  said  my  fifty  dollars  flew  away  from  me.  I  except 
the  last  six  dollars.  I  performed  miracles  with  that. 
I  paid  my  share  of  our  room-rent  for  a  week  —  three 
dollars  —  and  lived  eleven  days  on  the  other  three. 
At  the  end  of  those  eleven  days  I  had  exactly  ten 
cents. 

For  two  reasons  I  did  not  tell  Lolly.  In  the  first 
place,  while  I  had  not  lied  to  her,  I  had  in  my  ego 
tistical  and  fanciful  excitement  led  her  to  believe  that 
not  only  had  I  sold  the  four  stories,  but  that  they  had 
been  paid  for.  And  in  the  second  place,  Lolly  at  this 
time  was  having  bitter  troubles  of  her  own.  They 


256  ME 

concerned  Marshall  Chambers.  She  was  suffering  un 
told  tortures  over  that  man  —  the  tortures  that  only  a 
suspicious  and  passionately  jealous  woman  who  loves 
can  feel.  She  had  no  tangible  proof  of  his  infidelities, 
but  a  thousand  little  things  had  occurred  that  made 
her  suspect  him.  They  quarreled  constantly,  and  then 
passionately  "made  up."  So  I  could  not  turn  to 
Lolly. 

I  had  not  heard  a  word  from  Mr.  Hamilton,  and 
after  that  glowing,  boastful  letter  I  had  written,  how 
could  I  now  appeal  to  him?  The  mere  thought  tor 
mented  and  terrified  me. 

Toward  the  end,  when  my  money  had  faded  down 
to  that  last  six  dollars,  I  had  been  desperately  seeking 
work.  I  think  I  answered  five  hundred  advertisements 
at  least,  but  although  now  I  was  well  dressed,  an  asset 
to  a  stenographer,  and  had  city  references  (Fred's), 
I  could  get  nothing.  My  strait,  it  will  be  perceived, 
was  really  bad,  and  another  week's  rent  had  fallen 
due. 

I  did  n't  have  any  dinner  that  evening  when  I  went 
over  to  Mrs.  Kingston's,  but  I  had  on  my  beautiful 
blue  velvet  suit.  My  luncheon  had  been  a  single  ham 
sandwich.  Mrs.  Kingston  had  called  me  up  on  the 
telephone  early  in  the  day,  and  invited  me  over  for 
the  evening,  saying  she  had  some  friends  who  wished 
to  meet  me. 

Her  friends  proved  to  be  two  young  men  from 
Cincinnati  who  were  living  and  working  in  Chicago. 


ME  257 

One,  George  Butler,  already  well  known  as  a  Socialist, 
was  head  of  a  Charities  Association  Bureau  (I  hys 
terically  thought  it  an  apropos  occasion  for  me  to  meet 
a  man  in  such  work),  and  the  other,  Robert  Bennet, 
was  exchange  editor  of  the  News.  Butler  was  ex 
ceedingly  good-looking,  but  he  had  a  thick,  baggy- 
looking  mouth,  and  he  dressed  like  a  poet, —  at  least 
I  supposed  a  poet  would  dress  something  like  that, — 
wearing  his  hair  carelessly  tossed  back,  a  turn-over 
soft  collar,  flowing  tie,  and  loose-fitting  clothes  that 
looked  as  if  they  needed  to  be  pressed. 

Bennet  had  an  interesting  face,  the  prominent  at 
tribute  of  which  was  an  almost  shining  quality  of 
honesty.  It  illuminated  his  otherwise  rugged  and 
homely  countenance,  and  gave  it  a  curious  attraction 
and  strength.  I  can  find  no  other  word  to  describe 
that  expression.  He  wore  glasses,  and  looked  like  a 
student,  and  he  stooped  a  little,  which  added  to  this  im 
pression.  Both  boys  were  in  their  early  twenties,  I 
should  say,  and  they  roomed  together  somewhere  near 
Jane  Addams's  Hull  House,  where  both  worked  at 
night,  giving  their  services  gratuitously  as  instructors 
in  English.  They  were  graduates  of  Cornell. 

Butler  talked  a  great  deal  about  Socialism,  and  he 
would  run  his  hand  through  his  hair,  as  Belasco  does 
on  first  nights.  Bennet,  on  the  other  hand,  was  a  good 
listener,  but  talked  very  little.  He  seemed  diffident 
and  even  shy,  and  he  stammered  slightly. 

On  this  night  I  was  in  such  a  depressed  mood  that, 


258  ME 

despite  Mr.  Butler's  eloquence,  I  was  unable  to  rouse 
myself  from  the  morbid  fancies  that  were  now  flood 
ing  my  mind.  For  the  imagination  that  had  carried 
me  up  on  dizzying  dreams  of  fame  now  showed  me 
pictures  of  myself  starving  and  homeless ;  and  just  as 
the  first  pictures  had  exhilarated,  now  the  latter  terri 
fied  and  distracted  me. 

Mrs.  Kingston  noticed  my  silence,  and  asked  me  if 
I  were  not  feeling  well.  She  said  I  did  not  seem  quite 
myself.  I  said  I  was  all  right.  When  I  was  going, 
she  asked  me  in  a  whisper  whether  I  had  heard  from 
Mr.  Hamilton,  and  I  shook  my  head;  and  then  she 
wanted  to  know  whether  he  knew  of  my  "  success." 
Something  screamed  and  cried  within  me  at  that  ques 
tion.  My  success !  Was  she  mocking  me  then  ? 

Bennet  had  asked  to  see  me  home,  and  as  it  was  still 
early, —  only  about  nine, —  he  suggested  that  we  take 
a  little  walk  along  the  lake. 

It  was  a  beautiful  night,  and  though  only  a  few 
weeks  from  Christmas,  not  at  all  cold.  Mrs.  Kingston 
had  apparently  told  Mr.  Bennet  of  my  writing,  for 
he  tried  to  make  me  talk  about  it.  I  was  not,  how 
ever,  in  a  very  communicative  mood.  I  talked  dis- 
jointedly.  I  started  to  tell  him  about  my  stories,  and 
then  all  of  a  sudden  I  remembered  how  I  was  fixed, 
and  then  I  could  n't  talk  at  all.  In  fact,  I  pitied  my 
self  so  that  I  began  to  cry.  It  was  dark  in  the  street, 
and  I  cried  silently ;  so  I  did  n't  suppose  he  noticed  me 
until  he  stopped  short  and  said : 


ME  259 

"  You  're  in  trouble.  Can't  you  tell  me  what  is 
the  matter?" 

"  I  've  got  only  ten  cents  in  the  world,"  I  blurted 
out. 

"What!" 

"  Just  ten  cents,"  I  said,  "  and  I  can't  get  work." 

"  Good  heavens ! "  he  exclaimed.  "  You  poor 
girl!" 

He  was  so  sorry  for  me  and  excited  that  he  stam 
mered  worse  than  ever,  and  I  stopped  crying,  because, 
having  told  some  one  my  secret,  I  felt  better  and  knew 
I  'd  get  help  somehow. 

So  then  I  told  him  all  about  how  I  had  come  down 
to  such  straits;  how  I  had  worked  all  those  months, 
and  my  implicit  belief  that  that  fifty  dollars  would  last 
till  I  was  paid  for  the  other  three  stories. 

When  I  was  through,  Bennet  said: 

"  N-now,  1-look  here.  I  get  thirty  dollars  a  week. 
I  don't  need  but  half  of  that,  and  I  'm  going  to  give  you 
fifteen  a  week  of  it  till  you  get  another  place." 

I  protested  that  I  wouldn't  think  of  taking  his 
money,  but  I  was  joyfully  hailing  him  in  my  heart  as 
a  veritable  savior.  Before  we  had  reached  my 
lodging-place,  I  had  not  only  allowed  him  to  give  me 
ten  dollars,  but  I  agreed  to  accept  ten  dollars  a  week 
from  him  till  I  got  work. 

It  is  curious  how,  without  the  slighest  compunction 
or  any  feeling  even  of  hurt  pride  or  shame,  I  was  will 
ing  to  accept  money  like  this  from  a  person  whom  I 


260  ME 

had  never  seen  before;  yet  the  thought  of  asking 
Hamilton  filled  me  with  a  real  terror.  I  believe  I 
would  have  starved  first.  It  is  hard  to  explain  this. 
I  had  liked  to  think  of  myself  as  doing  something  very 
unusual  and  fine  in  refusing  help  from  Hamilton,  and 
yet  where  was  my  logic,  since  without  a  qualm  I  took 
money  from  Bennet?  Our  natures  are  full  of  contra 
dictions,  it  seems  to  me.  Perhaps  I  can  explain  it  in 
this  way,  however.  There  was  something  so  tre 
mendously  good  about  Bennet,  so  overpoweringly  hu 
man  and  great,  that  I  felt  the  same  as  I  would  have 
felt  if  a  woman  had  offered  to  help  me.  On  the  other 
hand,  I  was  desperately  in  love  with  Hamilton.  I 
wanted  to  impress  him.  I  wanted  his  good  opinion. 
I  unconsciously  assumed  a  pose  —  perhaps  that  is  it  — 
and  I  had  to  live  up  to  it.  Then  I  have  often  thought 
that  almost  any  woman  would  have  confidently  ac 
cepted  help  from  Bennet,  but  might  have  hesitated  to 
take  anything  from  Mr.  Hamilton. 

Some  men  inspire  us  with  instant  confidence ;  we  are 
"  on  guard  "  with  others.  I  can  write  this  analysis 
now;  I  could  not  explain  it  to  myself  then. 


XXV 

NOW  my  life  assumed  a  new  phase.  No  man  like 
Bennet  can  come  into  a  woman's  life  and  not 
make  a  deep  impression.  I  have  said  that  Dick  was 
my  "  shadow."  Bennet  was  something  better  than 
that.  He  was  my  protector,  my  guide,  and  my  teacher. 
He  did  not,  as  Dick  had  done,  begin  immediately  to 
make  love  to  me,  but  he  came  persistently  to  see  me. 
Always  he  brought  some  book  with  him,  and  now  for 
the  first  time  in  my  life  the  real  world  of  poetry  be 
gan  to  open  its  doors  for  me.  I  a  poet !  Oh,  me ! 

Hamilton  had  filled  my  bookshelves  with  novels, 
chiefly  by  French  authors.  They  were  of  absorbing 
interest  to  me,  and  they  taught  me  things  just  as  if  I 
had  traveled ;  but  Bennet  read  to  me  poetry  —  Keats, 
Shelley,  Byron,  Browning,  Tennyson,  Heine,  Milton, 
and  others.  For  hours  I  sat  listening  to  the  jeweled 
words.  No,  I  could  not  write  poetry, —  I  never  shall, 
-  but  I  had  the  hungry  heart  of  the  poet  within  me.  I 
know  it;  else  I  could  not  so  vividly,  so  ardently  have 
loved  the  poetry  of  others. 

I  cannot  think  of  my  acquaintance  with  Bennet  with 
out  there  running  immediately  to  my  mind,  like  the  re 
frain  of  an  old  song,  some  of  those  exquisite  poems  he 

261 


262  ME 

read  to  me  —  read  so  slowly,  so  clearly,  so  subtly,  that 
every  word  pierced  my  consciousness  and  understand 
ing.  Else  how  could  a  girl  like  me  have  gasped  with 
sheer  delight  over  the  "  Ode  to  a  Grecian  Urn "  ? 
What  was  there  in  a  poem  like  that  to  appeal  to  a  girl 
of  my  history? 

When  we  did  not  stay  in  and  read,  Bennet  would 
take  me  to  some  good  theater  or  concert,  and  I  went 
several  times  with  him  to  Hull  House.  There  twice 
a  week  he  taught  a  class  in  English  poetry.  The  girls 
in  his  class  were  chiefly  foreigners, —  Russian  Jew 
esses,  Polish  and  German  girls, —  and  for  the  most 
part  they  worked  in  factories  and  stores;  but  they 
were  all  intelligent  and  eager  to  learn.  They  made 
me  ashamed  of  my  own  indolence.  I  used  to  fancy 
that  most  of  his  pupils  were  secretly  in  love  with  Ben- 
net.  They  would  look  at  his  inspired  young  face  as 
if  they  greatly  admired  him,  and  I  felt  a  sense  of  flat 
tering  pride  in  the  thought  that  he  liked  only  me.  Oh, 
I  could  n't  help  seeing  that,  though  he  had  not  then  told 
me  so. 

Sometimes  he  took  me  over  to  his  rooms.  They 
were  two  very  curious,  low-roofed  rooms  down  in  the 
tenement-house  district,  completely  lined  with  books. 
Here  Butler,  with  his  pipe  in  his  loose  mouth,  used  to 
entertain  me  with  long  talks  on  Socialism,  and  once 
he  read  me  some  of  Kipling's  poems.  That  was  my 
first  acquaintance  with  Kipling.  It  was  an  unforget- 
able  experience.  In  these  rooms,  too,  Bennet  read  me 


ME  263 

"  Undine,"  some  of  Barrie's  stories,  and  Omar  Khay 
yam. 

Those  were  clean,  inspiring  days.  They  almost 
compensated  for  everything  else  that  was  sad  and  ugly 
in  my  life.  For  sad  and  ugly  things  were  happening 
to  me  every  day,  and  I  had  had  no  word,  no  single 
sign,  from  Mr.  Hamilton.  I  tried  to  shut  him  from 
my  mind.  I  tried  hard  to  do  that,  especially  as  I  knew 
that  Robert  Bennet  was  beginning  to  care  for  me  too 
well.  Through  the  day,  it  was  easy  enough.  I  could 
do  it,  too,  when  Bennet  read  to  me  from  the  poets; 
but,  ah,  at  night,  that  was  when  he  slipped  back  in 
sidiously  upon  me!  Sometimes  I  felt  that  if  I  did 
not  see  him  soon,  I  should  go  mad  just  from  longing 
and  desire  to  see  his  dear  face  and  hear  the  sound  of 
his  cruel  voice. 

I  got  a  position  about  two  weeks  after  I  met  Bennet. 
It  was  in  a  steel  firm;  I  stayed  there  only  two  days. 
There  were  two  other  stenographers,  and  the  second 
day  I  was  there,  the  president  of  the  firm  decided  to 
move  me  from  the  outer  to  his  private  office,  to  do  his 
work.  Both  of  the  girls  looked  at  each  other  so  sig 
nificantly  when  my  desk  was  carried  in  that  I  asked 
them  if  anything  was  the  matter.  One  of  them 
shrugged  her  shoulders,  and  the  other  said: 

"  You  '11  find  out  for  yourself." 

Within  ten  minutes  after  I  entered  that  inner  office 
I  did.  I  was  taking  dictation  at  a  little  slat  on  the 
desk  of  the  president  when  he  laid  a  photograph  upon 


264  ME 

my  book,  and  then,  while  I  sat  dum  founded,  trying  to 
look  anywhere  save  at  what  was  before  me,  he  laid 
more  photographs,  one  after  the  other,  on  top  of  that 
first  one,  which  was  the  vilest  thing  I  have  ever  seen 
in  my  life. 

The  girls  at  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.  and  the  girls  at  the 
stock-yards  used  to  talk  about  their  experiences  in  of 
fices,  and  we  used  to  laugh  at  the  angry  girls  who  de 
clared  they  did  this  or  that  to  men  who  insulted  them. 
As  I  have  written  before,  I  had  become  hardened  to 
such  things,  and  when  I  could,  I  simply  ignored  them. 
They  were  one  of  the  dirty  things  in  life  that  working- 
girls  had  to  endure.  But  now,  as  I  sat  at  that  desk, 
I  felt  rushing  over  me  such  a  surge  of  primitive  and 
outraged  feeling  that  I  could  find  no  relief  save  in 
some  fierce  physical  action.  I  seized  those  photo 
graphs,  and  slammed  them  into  the  face  of  that  leering 
old  satyr. 

After  that  I  went  from  one  position  to  another.  I 
took  anything  I  could  get.  Sometimes  I  left  because 
the  conditions  were  intolerable ;  sometimes  because  they 
did  not  pay  me;  usually  I  was  allowed  to  go  after  a 
brief  trial  in  which  I  failed  to  prove  my  competence. 
I  was  very  bad  at  figures,  and  most  offices  require  a 
certain  amount  of  that  kind  of  work  from  their  stenog 
raphers.  These  were  the  places  where  I  failed. 

Of  course,  changing  my  position  and  being  out  of 
work  so  much,  I  made  little  progress,  and  although  I 
had  had  only  twenty  dollars  from  Bennet,  I  was  un- 


ME  265 

able  to  pay  him  back.  I  had  hoped  to  by  Christmas, 
now  only  a  week  off. 

And  now  something  happened  that  caused  a  big 
change  in  my  life;  that  is,  it  forced  me  at  last  to  sepa 
rate  from  Lolly.  For  some  time  she  had  been  most 
unhappy,  and  one  evening  she  confided  to  me  her  sus 
picions  of  Chambers.  She  said  she  had  "  turned 
down "  Hermann,  who  wanted  to  marry  her,  for 
Chambers,  though  friends  had  warned  her  not  to  trust 
him;  but  that  though  he  had  at  times  been  brutal  to 
her,  she  adored  him.  Pacing  up  and  down  the  room, 
she  told  me  that  she  wished  she  knew  some  way  to 
prove  him.  It  was  then  that  I  made  my  fatal  offer.  I 
said : 

"  Lolly,  I  could  have  told  you  long  ago  about  Cham 
bers.  I  know  he  is  no  good.  If  I  were  you,  I  'd  have 
nothing  more  to  do  with  him." 

Lolly  stopped  in  her  pacing,  and  stared  at  me. 

"  How  do  you  know?  "  she  demanded. 

"  Because,"  I  said,  "  he  's  tried  several  times  to  make 
love  to  me." 

"  You  lie,  Nora  Ascough !  "  she  cried  out  in  such  a 
savage  way  that  I  was  afraid  of  her.  If  I  had  been 
wiser,  perhaps,  I  might  have  reassured  her  and  let  her 
think  I  did  lie.  Then  the  matter  would  have  ended 
there ;  but  I  had  to  plunge  in  deeper. 

"  Lolly,  I  '11  prove  it  to  you,  if  you  wish." 

"  You  can't,"  retorted  Lolly,  her  nostrils  dilating. 

"  Yes,  I  can,  I  say.     He  's  coming  to-night,  is  n't 


266  ME 

he?  Well,  you  stay  in  that  inner  room,  by  the  door. 
Let  me  sec  him  alone  here.  Then  you  '11  see  for  your 
self." 

She  considered  the  suggestion,  with  her  eyes  half 
closed,  blowing  the  smoke  slowly  from  her  lips,  and 
looking  at  the  tip  of  her  cigarette.  Then  she  shrugged 
her  shoulders  and  laughed  sneeringly. 

"  The  trouble  with  you,  Nora,  is  that  because  a  lot 
of  muckers  at  the  Union  Stock- Yards  got  '  stuck  '  on 
you,  a  few  poor  devils  of  newspaper  men  are  a  little 
smitten,  and  a  fast  rich  man  tried  to  keep  you,  you  im 
agine  every  other  man  is  after  you." 

I  could  n't  answer  that.  It  was  untrue.  None  the 
less,  it  hurt.  I  had  never  in  my  life  boasted  to  Lolly 
about  men.  I  supposed  she  knew  that,  like  every  other 
girl  who  is  thrown  closely  into  contact  with  men,  I 
naturally  got  my  share  of  attention.  I  had  long  ago 
realized  the  exact  value  of  this.  The  girls  at  the 
yards,  for  instance,  used  to  say  that  the  men  would 
even  go  after  a  hunchback  or  a  girl  that  squinted  if  she 
gave  them  any  encouragement.  And  as  for  Robert 
Bennet  and  Dick,  it  was  mean  of  Lolly  to  refer  to  them 
in  that  contemptuous  way.  Lolly,  I  think,  regretted 
a  moment  later  what  she  had  said.  She  was  as  gener 
ous  and  impulsive  as  she  was  hasty  in  temper.  Now 
she  said : 

"  Forget  I  said  that,  Nora.  Just  for  fun  I  '11  try 
your  plan.  Of  course,  it 's  ridiculous.  Marshall  has 
never  looked  upon  you  as  anything  but  a  joke.  I  mean 


ME  267 

he  thinks  you  're  a  funny  little  thing ;  but  as  for  any 
thing  else — "  Lolly  blew  forth  her  cigarette  smoke 
in  derision  at  the  notion. 

Chambers  came  about  eight-thirty.  They  never  an 
nounced  him,  but  we  knew  his  double  knock,  and  Lolly 
slipped  into  the  inner  room,  but  did  not  close  the  door 
tight. 

I  had  taken  up  Lolly's  mandolin,  and  now  I  painfully 
tried  to  pick  out  a  tune  on  the  strings.  Chambers 
stood  watching  me,  smiling,  and  when  I  finally  did 
manage  "  The  Last  Rose  of  Summer,"  he  said : 

"  Bully  for  you !  " 

Then  he  looked  about  quickly  and  said : 

"Lolly  out?" 

I  nodded.     Whereupon  he  sat  down  beside  me. 

"  Want  to  learn  the  mandolin  ?  "  he  asked. 

I  nodded,  smiling. 

"  This  is  the  way,"  he  said.  He  was  on  my  left 
side,  and  putting  his  arm  about  my  waist,  and  with  his 
right  hand  over  my  right  hand,  he  tried  to  teach  me  to 
use  the  little  bone  picker;  but  while  he  was  doing  this 
he  got  as  close  to  me  as  he  could,  and  as  I  bent  over 
the  mandolin,  so  did  he,  till  his  face  came  right  against 
mine,  and  he  kissed  me. 

Then  something  terrible  happened.  Lolly  screamed. 
She  screamed  like  a  person  gone  mad.  Chambers  and 
I  jumped  apart,  and  I  felt  so  weak  I  was  afraid  to  go 
inside  that  room.  Just  then  Hermann  came  rushing 
in  with  the  landlady.  She  had  heard  Lolly's  screams, 


268  ME 

and  she  wanted  to  know  what  was  the  trouble.  I  said 
Lolly  was  ill ;  but  as  soon  as  she  went  out,  I  told  Her 
mann  the  truth.  When  Chambers  realized  that  he  was 
the  victim  of  a  trap,  and  while  Lolly  was  still  crying, 
—  a  moaning  sort  of  cry  now, —  he  picked  up  his  hat 
and  made  for  the  door.  There  he  encountered  Her 
mann,  all  of  whose  teeth  were  showing.  Hermann's 
hand  shot  up  to  Chambers's  collar,  and  he  threw  him 
bodily  from  the  room.  How  he  did  this,  I  am  sure 
I  don't  know,  for  Chambers  was  a  larger  and  seem 
ingly  much  stronger  man  than  Hermann.  Then  Her 
mann  went  in  to  Lolly,  and  I,  feeling  like  a  criminal, 
followed. 

I  had  never  seen  a  woman  in  hysterics  before.  Lolly 
was  lying  on  her  back  on  the  bed,  with  her  arms  cast 
out  on  each  side.  Her  face  was  convulsed,  and  she  was 
gasping  and  crying  and  moaning  and  laughing  all  at 
the  same  time.  Hermann  put  his  arms  about  her, 
and  tried  to  soothe  and  comfort  her,  and  I,  crying  my 
self  now,  begged  her  to  forgive  me.  She  screamed  at 
me,  "  Get  out  of  my  sight !  "  and  kept  on  upbraiding 
and  accusing  me.  She  seemed  to  think  that  I  must 
have  been  flirting  with  Chambers  for  some  time,  and 
she  said  I  was  a  snake.  She  said  she  hated  me,  and 
that  if  I  did  not  go  "  at  once  !  at  once !  at  once !  "  she  'd 
kill  me. 

I  did  n't  know  what  to  do,  and  Hermann  said : 

"  For  God's  sake !     Nora,  go !  " 

I  packed  my  things  as  quickly  as  I  could.     I  had  no 


ME  269 

trunk,  but  two  suitcases,  and  I  made  bundles  of  the 
things  that  would  not  go  into  them.  I  told  Hermann 
I  'd  send  for  the  things  in  the  morning.  Then  I  put 
on  my  coat  and  hat,  and  took  the  suitcase  with  my 
manuscripts  and  my  night  things.  Before  going,  I 
went  over  to  the  bed  and  again  begged  Lolly  to  forgive 
me,  assuring  her  that  I  never  had  had  anything  to  do 
with  Chambers  till  that  night.  I  told  her  that  I  loved 
her  better  than  any  other  girl  I  knew,  better  than  my 
sisters  even,  and  it  was  breaking  my  heart  to  leave  her 
in  this  way.  I  was  sobbing  while  I  talked,  but  though 
she  no  longer  viciously  denounced  me,  she  turned  her 
face  to  the  wall  and  put  her  hands  over  her  ears.  Then 
I  kissed  her  hand, —  women  of  my  race  do  things  like 
that  under  stress  of  emotion, —  and,  crying,  left  my 
Lolly. 


XXVI 

I  WENT  direct  to  Mrs.  Kingston's.  As  soon  as  I 
walked  in  with  my  bag  in  my  hand,  she  knew 
I  had  come  to  stay,  and  she  was  so  delighted  that  she 
seized  me  in  her  arms  and  hugged  me,  saying  I  was 
her  "  dearest  and  only  Nora."  She  took  me  right  up 
to  what  she  thought  were  to  be  my  rooms,  but  I  said  I 
preferred  the  little  one,  and  after  we  had  talked  it  over 
a  bit,  she  said  she  agreed  with  me.  It  was  much  bet 
ter  for  me  to  have  only  what  I  myself  could  afford. 

I  did  n't  tell  her  a  word  about  Lolly.  That  was  my 
poor  friend's  secret;  but  I  told  her  of  my  straitened  af 
fairs,  my  poor  position  and  that  I  owed  money  to  Ben- 
net.  When  I  ended,  she  said : 

"  That  boy  's  an  angel.  I  can't  wish  you  any  better 
luck  than  that  you  get  him." 

"Get  him?" 

"  He  is  simply  crazy  about  you,  Nora.  Can't  talk 
about  anything  else,  and  you  could  n't  do  better  if  you 
searched  from  one  end  of  the  United  States  to  the 
other.  He  's  of  a  splendid  family,  and  he  's  going  to 
make  a  big  name  for  himself  some  day,  you  mark  my 
words." 

I  agreed  with  all  her  praise  of  Bennet,  but  I  told  her 
270 


ME  271 

I  thought  of  him  only  as  a  friend,  as  I  did  of  Fred 
O'Brien  for  instance. 

She  shook  her  head  at  me,  sighed,  and  said  that  she 
supposed  I  still  cared  for  "  that  man  Hamilton,"  and  I 
did  n't  answer  her.  I  just  sat  on  the  side  of  the  bed 
staring  out  in  front  of  me.  After  a  moment  she 
said: 

"  Of  course,  if  that 's  the  way  you  feel,  for  heaven's 
sake!  let  poor  Bennet  alone;  though  if  I  were  you,  it 
would  n't  take  me  long  to  know  which  of  those  two 
men  to  choose  between." 

"You'd  take  Bennet,  wouldn't  you?"  I  asked 
heavily,  and  she  replied : 

"  You  better  believe  I  would !  " 

"  Don't  you  like  Mr.  Hamilton?  "  I  asked  wistfully. 

"  I  don't  entirely  trust  him,"  said  she.  "  Candidly, 
Nora,  that  was  a  nasty  trick  he  tried  to  play  us  here. 
I  was  '  on  to  him,'  but  I  did  n't  know  just  where  you 
stood  with  him,  and  I  'm  not  in  the  preaching  business. 
I  let  people  do  as  they  like,  and  I  myself  do  what  I 
please ;  and  then,  of  course,  Lord  knows  I  need  all  the 
money  I  can  get."  She  sighed.  Poor  woman,  she 
was  always  so  hard  up!  "  So  if  he  wanted  to  take 
those  rooms  and  pay  the  price,  I  was  n't  going  to  be 
the  one  to  stand  in  the  way.  Still,  I  was  not  going  to 
let  him  pull  the  wool  over  your  eyes,  poor  kiddy." 

"  I  suppose  not,"  I  assented  languidly.  I  was  un 
utterably  tired  and  heartsick,  with  the  long  strain  of 
those  weeks,  and  now  with  this  quarrel  with  Lolly,  and 


272  ME 

I  said,  "  Yet  I  'd  give  my  immortal  soul  to  be  with  him 
again  just  for  a  few  minutes  even." 

"  You  would  ?  "  she  said.  "  You  want  to  see  him  as 
much  as  all  that?  " 

I  nodded,  and  she  said  pityingly : 

"  Don't  love  any  man  like  that,  dear.  None  of  them 
is  worth  it." 

I  didn't  answer.  What  was  the  use?  She  said  I 
looked  tired  out,  and  had  better  go  to  bed,  and  that 
next  day  she  would  send  the  man  who  looked  after  the 
furnace  for  my  belongings. 

Mrs.  Kingston  was  really  delighted  to  have  me  with 
her.  She  said  she  could  have  had  any  number  of  girls 
in  her  house  before  this,  but  that  she  had  set  her  heart 
on  having  just  me,  because  I  was  uncommon.  She  had 
a  funny  habit  of  dismissing  people  and  things  as  "  ordi 
nary  and  commonplace."  I  was  not  that,  it  seems. 

Here  was  I  now  in  a  really  dear  little  home,  not  a 
boarder,  but  treated  like  a  daughter  not  only  by  Mrs. 
Kingston,  but  by  Mrs.  Owens,  who  quickly  made  me 
call  her  "  Mama  Owens."  She  was  a  pretty  woman  of 
about  sixty,  with  lovely  dark  eyes,  and  white  wavy  hair 
that  I  often  did  up.  She  had  periodical  spells  of  ill 
ness,  I  don't  know  just  what.  Both  Mrs.  Kingston 
and  Mrs.  Owens  were  widows. 

I  brightened  up  a  bit  after  I  got  there,  for  they 
would  n't  give  me  a  chance  to  be  blue.  We  had  a 
merry  time  decorating  the  house  with  greens  and  holly, 
and  we  even  had  a  big  Christmas-tree.  Mama  Owens 


ME  273 

said  she  could  n't  imagine  a  Christmas  without  one. 
Just  think,  though  I  was  one  of  fourteen  children  (two 
of  the  original  sixteen  had  died),  I  can  never  remem 
ber  a  Christmas  when  we  had  a  tree! 

Bennet  came  over  and  helped  us  with  the  decora 
tions,  and  he  and  Butler  were  both  invited  to  the  Christ 
mas  dinner.  Butler  could  not  come,  as  he  was  due  at 
some  Hull  House  entertainment,  but  Bennet  expected 
to  have  dinner  with  us  before  going  to  work.  He  was 
working  nights  now,  and  would  not  have  Christmas 
off. 

I  was  getting  only  twelve  dollars  a  week  at  this  time, 
so  I  had  little  enough  money  to  spend  on  Christmas 
presents.  I  did,  however,  buy  books  for  Bennet  and 
Mrs.  Kingston  and  Mrs.  Owens.  Also  for  Lolly,  to 
whom  I  had  written  twice,  begging  her  to  forgive  me. 
She  never  answered  me,  but  Hermann  wrote  me  a 
note,  advising  me  to  "  leave  her  alone  till  she  gets  over 
it." 

I  had  to  walk  to  work  for  two  days  after  that,  as 
I  did  n't  have  a  cent  left,  and  I  did  without  luncheon, 
too.  I  rather  enjoyed  the  walk,  but  it  was  hard  get 
ting  up  so  early,  as  I  had  to  be  at  the  office  at  eight. 
I  was  working  for  a  clothing  firm  not  unlike  the  one 
Estelle  was  with,  and  I  had  obtained  the  position,  by 
the  way,  through  Estelle. 

On  Christmas  eve  Margaret  had  to  go  to  the  house 
of  a  client  in  regard  to  some  case,  so  mama  and  I  were 
left  alone.  We  were  decorating  the  tree  with  strings 


274  ME 

of  white  and  colored  popcorn  and  bright  tinsel  stuff, 
and  I  was  standing  on  top  of  a  ladder,  putting  a  crown 
ing  pinnacle  on  the  tree, —  a  funny,  fat,  little  Santa 
Claus, —  when  our  bell  rang.  Our  front  door  opened 
into  the  reception  hall,  where  our  tree  was,  so  when 
mama  opened  the  door  and  I  saw  who  it  was,  I  almost 
fell  off  the  ladder.  He  called  out : 

"  Careful! "  dropped  his  bag,  came  over  to  the  lad 
der,  and  lifted  me  down.  You  can't  lift  a  girl  down 
from  a  ladder  without  putting  your  arms  about  her, 
and  I  clung  to  him,  you  may  be  sure.  He  kept  smooth 
ing  my  hair  and  cheek,  and  saying, —  I  think  he 
thought  I  was  crying  against  his  coat, — "  Come,  now, 
Nora,  it 's  all  right !  Everything  's  all  right !  "  and 
then  he  undid  my  hands,  which  were  clinging  to  his 
shoulders,  and  shook  himself  free. 

Mama  Owens  had  never  met  him,  so  I  had  to  intro 
duce  them.  She  scolded  me  dreadfully  afterward 
about  the  way  I  had  acted,  though  I  tried  to  explain  to 
her  that  it  was  the  surprise  and  excitement  that  had 
made  me  give  way  like  that. 

It  was  queer,  but  from  the  very  first  both  Margaret 
and  Mama  Owens  were  prejudiced  against  him.  Both 
of  them  loved  me  and  were  devoted  to  Bennet.  They 
were  planning  to  make  a  match  between  us.  Hamil 
ton  was  the  stumbling-block;  and  although  in  time  he 
partly  won  Margaret  over,  he  never  moved  mama, 
who  always  regarded  him  as  an  intruder  in  our  "  little 
family." 


ME  275 

I  now  hinted  and  hinted  for  her  to  leave  us  alone, 
but  she  would  n't  budge  from  the  room  for  the  longest 
time.  So  I  just  talked  right  before  her,  though  she 
kept  interrupting  me,  requiring  me  to  do  this  or  that. 
She  did  n't  ask  him  to  do  a  thing,  though  if  Bennet 
had  been  there,  she  would  have  seated  herself  com 
fortably  and  let  him  do  all  the  work. 

However,  I  was  so  happy  now  that  it  did  n't  matter 
if  all  the  rest  of  the  world  was  disgruntled.  I  hugged 
Mama  Owens,  and  told  her  if  she  did  n't  stop  being  so 
cross,  Mr.  Hamilton  and  I  would  go  out  somewhere 
and  leave  her  "  all  by  her  lonesome."  I  could  do  al 
most  anything  with  her  and  Margaret,  and  I  soon  had 
her  in  a  good  humor;  she  even  went  off  to  get  some 
Christmas  wine  for  Mr.  Hamilton. 

I  had  in  a  general  way  told  Roger  something  of 
what  I  had  been  doing  since  I  had  seen  him ;  but  I  did 
not  tell  him  of  the  straits  to  which  I  had  come,  or  of 
the  money  I  had  borrowed  from  Bennet.  He  sus 
pected  that  I  had  passed  through  hard  times,  however. 
He  had  a  way  of  picking  up  my  face  by  the  chin  and 
examining  it  closely.  The  moment  we  were  alone,  he 
led  me  under  the  gas-light,  and  looked  at  me  closely. 
His  face  was  as  grave  as  if  he  were  at  a  funeral,  and 
I  tried  to  make  fun  of  it;  but  he  said : 

"  Nora,  you  don't  look  as  well  as  you  should." 

I  said  lightly : 

"  That 's  because  you  did  n't  come  to  see  me." 

"  I  came,"  he  returned,  "  as  soon  as  you  did  what  I 


276  ME 

told  you.  As  soon  as  Mrs.  Kingston  sent  me  word 
that  you  were  here,  I  came,  though  it  was  Christmas 
eve,  and  I  ought  to  be  in  Richmond." 

I  saw  what  was  in  his  mind :  he  thought  I  had  taken 
those  rooms !  I  put  my  arm  through  his,  just  to  hold 
to  him  in  case  he  went  right  away,  while  I  told  him  I 
had  only  the  little  room. 

He  said,  with  an  expressive  motion: 

"  Well,  I  give  you  up,  Nora." 

I  said: 

"  No,  please,  don't  give  me  up.     I  '11  die  if  you  do." 

Margaret  came  in  then,  and  she  greeted  him  very 
cordially.  She  chuckled  when  I  called  her  a  "  sly 
thing  "  for  writing  to  him,  and  she  said  she  had  to  let 
him  know,  since  he  had  paid  for  the  big  room. 

"  Yes,  but  you  did  n't  tell  him  I  had  the  little  room," 
I  said. 

"  What  does  it  matter  ?  "  laughed  Margaret.  "  You 
two  are  always  making  mountains  out  of  molehills. 
Life  's  too  short  to  waste  a  single  moment  of  it  in  argu 
ment." 

Roger  said: 

"  You  are  perfectly  right  After  this,  Nora  and  I 
are  not  going  to  quarrel  about  anything.  She  's  go 
ing  to  be  a  reasonable  child." 

I  had  to  laugh.  I  knew  what  he  meant  by  my  being 
reasonable.  Nothing  mattered  this  night,  however, 
except  that  he  had  come.  I  told  him  that,  and  put  my 
cheek  against  his  hand.  I  was  always  doing  things 


ME  277 

like  that,  for  although  he  was  undemonstrative,  and 
the  nearest  he  came  to  caressing  me  was  to  smooth  my 
cheek  and  hair,  I  always  got  as  close  to  him  as  I  could. 
I  'd  slip  my  hand  through  his  arm,  or  put  my  hand  in 
his,  and  my  head  against  him ;  and  when  we  were  out 
anywhere,  I  always  had  my  hand  in  his  pocket,  and 
he  'd  put  his  hand  in  over  mine.  He  liked  them,  too, 
these  ways  of  mine,  for  he  used  to  look  at  me  with  a 
queer  sort  of  grim  smile  that  was  nevertheless  tender. 

He  was  a  man  used  to  having  his  own  way,  how 
ever,  and  he  did  n't  intend  to  give  in  to  me  in  this  mat 
ter  of  the  rooms.  So  this  is  how  he  finally  arranged 
things :  I  was  to  have  the  little  room,  and  he  would 
take  the  suite  in  front.  When  he  was  in  Chicago,  he 
would  use  these  rooms ;  but  when  he  was  not,  I  was  to 
have  the  use  of  them,  and  he  made  me  promise  that  I 
would  use  the  big  room  for  writing. 

This  arrangement  satisfied  Mrs.  Kingston  and  de 
lighted  me,  but  mama  was  inclined  to  grumble.  She 
wanted  to  know  just  why  he  should  maintain  rooms 
in  the  house,  anyway,  and  just  what  he  was  "  after  " 
me  for.  She  was  in  a  perverse  and  cranky  mood.  She 
talked  so  that  I  put  my  hand  over  her  mouth  and  said 
she  had  a  bad  mind. 

Roger  explained  to  Margaret  —  he  pretended  to  ig 
nore  mama,  but  he  was  talking  for  her  especially  — 
that  they  need  have  no  anxiety  in  regard  to  his  in 
tentions  toward  me;  that  they  were  purely  disinter 
ested  ;  in  fact,  he  felt  toward  me  pretty  much  as  they 


278  ME 

did  themselves.  I  was  an  exceptional  girl  who  ought 
to  be  helped  and  befriended;  that  he  had  never  made 
love  to  me,  and,  he  added  grimly,  that  he  never  would. 
My!  how  I  hated  mama  at  that  moment  for  causing 
him  to  say  that.  In  fact  he  talked  so  plausibly  that 
Margaret  and  I  threw  black  looks  at  mama  for  her 
gratuitous  interference,  and  Margaret  whispered  to 
me  that  it  should  not  happen  again.  Mama  "  stuck  to 
her  guns,"  however,  and  finally  said : 

"  Well,  let  me  ask  you  a  question,  Mr.  Hamilton. 
Are  you  in  love  with  Nora  ?  " 

He  looked  over  my  head  and  said : 

"  No." 

That  was  the  first  time  he  had  directly  denied  that 
he  cared  for  me,  and  my  heart  sank.  I  would  n't  look 
at  him,  I  felt  so  badly,  nor  did  I  feel  any  better  when, 
after  a  moment,  he  added  : 

"  I  'm  old  enough  to  be  Nora's  father,  and  at  my 
time  of  life  I  'm  not  likely  to  make  a  fool  of  myself 
even  for  Nora." 

"  Hm!  "  snorted  mama,  "  that  all  sounds  very  fine, 
but  what  about  Nora  ?  Do  you  pretend  that  she  is  not 
in  love  with  you?  " 

His  stiff  expression  softened,  but  he  said  very  bit 
terly,  I  thought : 

"  Nora  is  seventeen." 

Then  he  laughed  shortly,  and  added :  "  I  don't  see 
how  it  can  hurt  her  to  have  me  for  a  friend,  do  you  ? 
As  far  as  that  goes,  even  if  she  does  imagine  herself  in 


ME  279 

love  with  me,  a  closer  acquaintance  might  lead  to  a 
complete  cure  and  disillusionment,  a  consummation,  I 
presume,  much  to  be  desired." 

He  said  this  with  so  much  bitterness,  and  even  pain, 
that  I  ran  over  to  him  and  put  my  face  against  his 
hand. 

"  Wait  a  bit,  Nora.  We  'd  better  get  this  matter 
settled  once  and  for  all,"  he  said.  "  Either  I  am  to 
come  here,  with  the  understanding  and  consent  of  these 
ladies,  whenever  I  choose  and  without  interference  of 
any  sort,  or  I  will  not  come  at  all." 

"  Then  I  won't  stay,  either,"  I  cried.  "  Margaret, 
you  know  that  if  he  never  comes  to  see  me  again,  I  '11 
jump  into  Lake  Michigan." 

They  all  laughed  at  that,  and  it  broke  up  the  strained 
conversation.  Margaret  said  in  her  big,  gay  way : 

"Of  course  you  can  come  and  go  as  you  please. 
The  rooms  are  yours,  and  I  should  n't  presume  to  dic 
tate  to  you."  And  then  she  said  to  mama :  "  Amy, 
you  've  had  too  much  wine.  Let  it  alone." 


XXVII 

EVERYTHING  being  made  clear,  Roger  and  I 
went  up  to  his  rooms.  He  shut  the  door,  and 
said  that  "  the  two  old  ones  "  were  all  right  enough, 
but  he  had  come  over  250  miles  to  see  me,  and  he  did  n't 
care  a  hang  what  they  or  any  one  else  thought,  and  that 
if  they  'd  made  any  more  fuss,  he  'd  have  taken  me 
away  from  there  without  further  parley.  Then  he 
asked  me  something  suddenly  that  made  me  laugh.  He 
wanted  to  know  if  I  was  afraid  of  him,  and  I  asked : 

"Why  should  I  be?" 

"  You  're  right,"  he  replied,  "  and  you  need  never 
be,  Nora.  You  can  always  trust  me." 

I  said  mischievously: 

"  It 's  the  other  way.     I  think  you  're  afraid  of  me." 

He  frowned  me  down  at  that,  and  demanded  to 
know  what  I  meant,  but  I  could  n't  explain. 

He  lighted  the  logs  in  the  fireplace,  and  pulled  up 
the  big  Morris  chair  and  a  footstool  before  it.  He 
made  me  sit  on  the  stool  at  his  knee.  Then  we  talked 
till  it  was  pretty  late,  and  mama  popped  her  head  in 
and  said  I  ought  to  go  to  bed.  I  protested  that  as  I 
did  n't  have  to  go  to  work  next  day,  I  need  not  get  up 
early.  Roger  said  she  was  right,  and  that  he  must  be 
going. 

280 


ME  281 

I  had  thought  he  was  going  to  spend  Christmas  with 
me,  and  I  was  so  dreadfully  disappointed  that  I  nearly 
cried,  and  he  tried  to  cheer  me  up.  He  said  he 
wouldn't  go  if  he  could  help  it,  but  that  his  people 
expected  him  home  at  least  at  Christmas.  That  was 
the  first  time  he  had  ever  referred  to  his  "  people,"  and 
I  felt  a  vague  sense  of  jealousy  that  they  meant  more 
to  him  than  I  did.  But  I  did  not  tell  him  that,  for  he 
suddenly  leaned  over  me  and  said: 

"  I  'd  rather  be  here  with  you,  Nora,  than  anywhere 
else  in  the  world." 

I  sat  up  at  that,  and  said  triumphantly: 

"  Then  you  must  care  for  me  if  that's  so." 

"  Have  I  ever  pretended  not  to?  "  he  asked. 

"  You  told  them  down-stairs  — " 

He  snapped  his  fingers  as  though  what  he  had  said 
there  did  n't  count. 

"  Well,  but  you  must  be  more  than  merely  interested 
in  me,"  I  said. 

"  Interest  is  a  pretty  big  thing,  is  n't  it  ?  "  he  said 
slowly. 

"  Not  as  big  as  love,"  I  said. 

"  We  're  not  going  to  talk  about  love,"  he  replied. 
"  We  '11  have  to  cut  that  out  entirely,  Nora." 

"  But  I  thought  you  said  you  wanted  me  to  go  on 
loving  you,  and  that  I  was  not  to  stop,  no  matter  what 
happened." 

He  stirred  uneasily  at  that,  and  then,  after  a  mo 
ment,  he  said: 


282  ME 

"  That 's  true.  Never  stop  doing  that,  will  you, 
sweetheart  ?  " 

You  see,  I  was  succeeding  beautifully  with  him  when 
he  called  me  that.  He  regretted  it  a  moment  later, 
for  he  rose  and  began  fussing  with  his  bag.  I  followed 
him  across  the  room.  I  always  followed  him  every 
where,  just  like  a  little  dog.  He  took  a  little  package 
out  of  his  bag,  and  he  asked  me  if  I  remembered  the 
day  in  the  carriage,  when  he  told  me  to  open  my  mouth 
and  shut  my  eyes.  Of  course  I  did.  He  said  that  I 
was  to  shut  my  eyes  now,  but  I  need  not  open  my 
mouth.  He  'd  give  me  the  real  prize  now. 

So  then  I  did,  and  he  put  something  about  my  neck. 
Then  he  led  me  over  to  the  mirror,  and  I  saw  it  was  a 
pearl  necklace. 

At  that  time  I  had  not  the  remotest  idea  of  the  value 
of  jewelry.  I  had  never  possessed  any  except  the  ring 
Dick  had  given  me.  In  a  vague  sort  of  way  I  knew 
that  gold  and  diamonds  were  costly  things,  and  of 
course  I  supposed  that  pearls  were,  too.  It  was  not, 
therefore,  the  value  of  his  present  that  impressed  me, 
for  I  frankly  looked  upon  it  merely  as  a  "  pretty  neck 
lace  " ;  but  I  was  enchanted  to  think  he  had  remem 
bered  me,  and  when  I  opened  my  eyes  and  saw  them, 
they  looked  so  creamy  and  lovely  on  my  neck  that  I 
wanted  to  hug  him  for  them.  However,  he  held  me 
off  at  arm's  length,  to  "  see  how  they  looked  "  on  me. 

He  said  I  was  not  to  wear  them  to  work,  but  only  on 
special  occasions,  when  he  was  there  and  took  me  to 


ME  283 

places,  and  that  he  was  going  to  get  me  a  little  safe  in 
which  to  keep  them.  I  thought  that  ridiculous,  to  get 
a  safe  just  to  keep  a  string  of  beads  in;  and  then  he 
laughed  and  said  that  the  "  beads  "  were  to  be  only  the 
forerunner  of  other  beautiful  things  he  was  going  to 
give  me. 

I  had  never  cared  particularly  about  jewelry  or  such 
things.  I  had  never  had  any,  and  never  had  wanted 
any.  I  liked  pretty  clothes  and  things  like  that  —  but 
I  had  never  thought  about  the  subject  of  jewelry.  I 
told  this  to  Roger  and  he  said  he  would  change  all 
that. 

He  was,  in  fact,  going  to  cultivate  in  me  a  taste  for 
the  best  in  everything,  he  said.  I  asked  him  why.  It 
seemed  to  me  that  nothing  was  to  be  gained  by  acquir 
ing  a  taste  for  luxurious  things  —  for  a  girl  in  my  po 
sition,  and  he  replied  in  a  grim  sort  of  way : 

"  All  the  same,  you  're  going  to  have  them.  By  and 
by  you  won't  be  able  to  do  without  them." 

"  Jewels  and  such  things?  " 

"Yes  —  jewels  and  such  things."     Then  he  added: 

"  There  need  never  be  a  time  in  your  life  when  I 
won't  be  able  to  gratify  your  least  wish,  if  you  will  let 
me." 

When  he  was  putting  on  his  coat,  he  asked  me  what 
sort  of  position  I  had,  and  I  told  him  it  was  pretty  bad. 
He  said  he  wished  me  to  go  down  to  see  Mr.  Forman, 
the  president  of  a  large  wholesale  dry-goods  firm.  He 
added  that  he  had  heard  of  a  good  position  there  — 


284  ME 

short  hours  and  good  salary.  I  was  delighted,  and 
asked  him  if  he  thought  I  'd  get  the  position,  and  he 
smiled  and  said  he  thought  I  would. 

He  was  drawing  on  his  gloves  and  was  nearly  ready 
to  go  when  he  asked  his  next  question,  and  that  was 
whether  I  had  made  any  new  acquaintances ;  what  men 
I  had  met,  and  whether  I  had  been  out  anywhere  with 
any  particular  man.  He  usually  asked  me  those  ques 
tions  first  of  all,  and  then  would  keep  on  about  them  all 
through  his  visit.  I  hesitated,  for  I  was  reluctant  to 
tell  him  about  Bennet.  He  roughly  took  me  by  the 
shoulder  when  I  did  not  answer  him  at  once,  and  he 
said: 

"  Well,  with  whom  have  you  been  going  out?  " 

I  told  him  about  Bennet,  but  only  about  his  coming 
to  see  me,  his  reading  to  me,  and  of  my  going  to  his 
and  Butler's  rooms,  and  to  Hull  House.  He  stared  at 
me  so  peculiarly  while  I  was  speaking  that  I  thought 
he  was  angry  with  me,  and  he  suddenly  took  off  his 
coat  and  hat  and  sat  down  again. 

"  Why  did  n't  you  tell  me  about  this  chap  before?  " 
he  asked  me  suddenly. 

"  I  thought  you  would  n't  be  interested,"  I  quibbled. 

"  That  is  not  true,  Nora,"  he  said.  "  You  knew 
very  well  I  would." 

He  leaned  forward  in  the  chair,  with  his  hands 
gripped  together,  and  stared  at  the  fire,  and  then  he 
said  almost  as  if  to  himself : 

"  If  I  had  come  on,  this  would  n't  have  happened." 


ME  285 

"  Nothing  has  happened,"  I  insisted. 

"  Oh,  yes,  this  —  er  —  Bennet  is  undoubtedly  in 
love  with  you." 

"Well,  suppose  he  is?"  I  said.  "What  does  it 
matter  to  you?  If  you  don't  care  for  me,  why 
should  n't  other  men  ?  " 

He  turned  around  and  looked  at  me  hard  a  moment. 
Then  he  got  up,  walked  up  and  down  a  while,  and  then 
came  over  and  took  my  face  up  in  his  hand. 

"  Nora,  will  you  give  up  this  chap  if  I  ask  you  to  ?  " 

I  was  piling  up  proof  that  he  cared  for  me  more  than 
he  would  admit.  I  said  flippantly: 

"  Old  '  Dog  in  the  Manger,'  will  you  love  me  if  I 
do?" 

He  said  in  a  low  voice: 

"  I  can't." 

I  said  sadly: 

"Is  it  so  hard,  then?" 

"  Yes,  harder  than  you  know,"  he  replied. 

Then  he  wanted  to  know  what  Bennet  looked  like. 
I  painted  a  flattering  picture.  When  was  he  coming? 
To  Christmas  dinner,  I  told  him. 

It  was  now  very  late,  and  I  heard  the  clock  in  the 
hall  strike  twelve,  and  I  asked  him  if  he  heard  the  rein 
deer  bells  on  the  roof. 

"  Nora,  I  don't  hear  or  see  anything  in  the  world  but 
you,"  he  replied. 

"If  that's  so,  you  must  be  as  much  in  love  with 
me  as  I  am  with  you,"  I  told  him. 


286  ME 

He  said,  "  Nonsense,"  and  looked  around,  as  if  he 
were  going  to  put  his  things  on  again. 

"  Stay  over  Christmas !  "  I  begged,  and  after  star 
ing  at  me  a  moment,  he  said : 

"  Very  well,  I  will,  then." 

That  made  me  tremendously  excited.  Mama  came 
down  the  hall  and  called  : 

"  Nora,  are  n't  you  in  bed  yet  ?  "     I  called  out : 

"  I  'm  going  now."  Then  I  seized  his  hand  quickly, 
kissed  it,  and  ran  out  of  the  room  to  my  own. 


XXVIII 

EARLY  next  morning  while  we  were  at  breakfast, 
a  huge  box  of  flowers  and  a  Christmas  package 
from  Bennet  came  for  me.  It  was  fun  to  see  Roger's 
face  when  I  was  unwrapping  the  flowers.  I  think  he 
would  have  liked  to  trample  upon  them,  he  who  did  not 
love  me!  They  were  chrysanthemums,  and  the  other 
present  was  a  beautiful  little  painting.  Mama  asked 
Hamilton  to  hang  it  for  us,  and  he  said  curtly  that  he 
did  n't  know  anything  about  such  things. 

Christmas  morning  thus  started  off  rather  badly,  for 
any  one  could  see  he  was  cross  as  a  sore  bear,  which,  I 
don't  mind  admitting,  gave  me  a  feeling  of  wicked  joy. 
To  make  matters  worse,  mama  began  to  talk  about 
Dick.  I  tried  to  change  the  subject,  but  she  persisted, 
and  wanted  to  know  when  I  had  heard  from  him  last 
and  whether  he  was  still  as  much  in  love  with  me  as 
ever.  There  was  no  switching  her  from  the  subject, 
so  I  left  the  table,  and  pretended  to  fool  with  the  books 
in  the  library.  He  followed  me  out  there,  and  his 
face  was  just  as  black ! 

"  So,"  he  said,  with  an  unpleasant  laugh,  "  you  've 

been  having  little  affairs  and  flirtations  right  along, 

287 


288  ME 

have  you  ?  You  're  not  the  naive,  innocent  baby  child 
you  would  like  me  to  think,  eh?  " 

"  Now,  Roger,  look  here,"  I  said.  "  Did  n't  you  tell 
me  you  were  n't  going  to  scold  me  any  more,  and  you 
said  I  could  do  as  I  pleased,  and  be  independent  and  - 

"  I  supposed  you  would  be  candid  and  truthful  with 
me ;  I  did  n't  suppose  you  'd  be  carrying  on  cheap  little 
liaisons  — " 

When  he  got  that  far,  I  turned  my  back  on  him  and 
walked  out  of  the  room. 

I  adored  him,  but  I  was  not  a  worm. 

I  went  back  to  the  kitchen,  and  watched  Margaret 
clean  the  turkey  and  make  the  stuffing.  I  thought  I 
was  much  interested  in  that  proceeding,  but  all  the  time 
I  was  wondering  what  he  was  doing,  and  soon  I 
could  n't  stand  it  any  longer,  and  I  went  back  to  the 
living-room,  which  was  also  our  library,  but  he  was  not 
there.  I  went  up-stairs,  with  "  my  heart  in  my 
mouth,"  fearing  he  had  gone.  I  found  him,  if  you 
please,  in  my  room.  He  was  looking  at  the  photo 
graphs  on  my  bureau. 

I  came  up  behind  him,  slipped  my  hand  through  his 
arm,  and  rubbed  my  cheek  against  his  sleeve.  I  could 
see  his  face  in  the  mirror  opposite  us  slowly  soften 
ing. 

"  Are  you  still  angry  with  me  for  nothing,  Roger?  " 
I  asked. 

"  Was  this  fellow  Lawrence  in  love  with  you,  too  ?  " 

I  nodded. 


ME  289 

"  All  men  are  n't  like  you,"  I  said  slyly.  "  Some 
few  of  them  do  like  me." 

He  took  that  in  as  if  it  hurt  him. 

"  He  's  in  Cuba,  you  say  ?  " 

I  nodded. 

"  You  hear  from  him?  " 

"  Yes." 

"  Where  are  his  letters?  " 

I  could  n't  show  him  the  letters,  I  said.  So  then  he 
tried  to  free  himself  from  my  hand,  but  he  could  n't;  I 
held  so  tightly. 

"  It  would  n't  be  square  to  Dick  to  show  you  his  let 
ters,"  I  said. 

"  So  it 's  '  Dick,'  is  it?  "  he  sneered. 

I  nodded. 

"  Yes,  just  as  it  was  '  Fred  '  with  O'Brien." 

"  O'Brien  was  n't  in  love  with  you." 

"  Oh,  well,  maybe  Dick  is  n't  He  just  thinks  he 
is." 

"  Any  understanding  between  you?  " 

I  hesitated.  I  really  think  he  would  have  taken 
pleasure  in  hurting  me  then  for  that  long  pause.  I 
said  at  last : 

"  He  asked  me  to  wait  for  him,  but  I  'm  not  going 
to,  if  you  '11  come  lots  to  see  me." 

"  Did  you  promise  to  ?  " 

Again  I  paused,  and  this  time  he  caught  up  my  face, 
but  savagely,  by  the  chin. 

"Well?" 


290  ME 

I  lied.     I  was  afraid  of  him  now. 

"  No,"  I  said. 

For  a  man  who  did  not  love  a  girl  he  was  the  most 
violently  jealous  person  I  have  ever  known.  When  he 
got  through  questioning  me  about  Dick,  he  started  in 
all  over  again  about  Robert  Bennet.  I  foresaw  that 
we  were  to  have  a  pretty  quarrelsome  Christmas,  so  I 
tried  my  best  to  change  the  subject. 

I  showed  him  all  the  photographs  on  my  bureau,  of 
my  father,  my  mother,  and  my  thirteen  brothers  and 
sisters,  and  told  him  about  each  of  them.  He  listened 
with  seeming  politeness,  and  then  swept  the  whole 
matter  aside  with : 

"  Hang  your  family !  I  'm  not  interested  in  them. 
Now,  about  this  Bennet  — "  and  he  started  in  all  over 
again. 

Finally,  thoroughly  exasperated,  I  turned  on  him 
and  said: 

"  You  have  no  right  to  question  or  accuse  me  like 
this.  No  man  has  that  right  unless  I  specially  give  it 
to  him." 

He  said  roughly: 

"  Give  me  the  right  then,  Nora." 

"  Not  unless  you  care  for  me,"  I  said.  "  You  say 
you  are  only  interested  in  me.  Well,  say  you  love  me, 
and  then  I  '11  do  anything  you  wish.  I  won't  look 
at  or  speak  to  or  think  of  any  other  man  in  the 
world." 

"  Well,  suppose  I  admit  that.      Suppose  I  were  to 


ME  291 

tell  you  that  I  do  love  you,  what  would  you  want  then, 
Nora?" 

"  Why,  nothing,"  I  said.  "  That  would  be  every 
thing  to  me,  don't  you  see?  I  'd  go  to  school  then, 
just  as  you  want  me  to,  and  I  'd  study  so  hard,  and  try 
to  pull  myself  up  till  I  was  on  your  level  — " 

"  Oh,  good  God !  "  he  said,  "  you  are  miles  above  me 
now." 

"  Not  socially,"  I  said.  "  In  the  eyes  of  the  world 
I  'm  not.  I  'm  just  a  working-girl,  and  you  're  a  man 
in  —  in  —  fashionable  society,  rich  and  important.  I 
guess  you  could  be  President  if  you  wanted  to, 
couldn't  you?" 

"  Oh,  Nora!  "  he  said,  and  I  went  on : 

"  Yes,  you  might.  You  can't  tell.  Suppose  you  got 
into  politics.  You  said  your  grandfather  was  governor 
of  your  State.  Well,  why  should  n't  you  be,  too?  So 
don't  you  see,  to  be  your  wife,  I  'd  have  to  — " 

"To  be  —  what?"  he  interrupted  me,  and  then  he 
said  sharply  and  quickly : 

"  That 's  out  of  the  question.  Put  all  thought  of 
anything  like  that  out  of  your  head.  Suppose  we 
change  the  subject  right  now.  What  do  you  say  to  a 
little  sleigh-ride?" 

I  nodded  and  I  tried  to  smile,  but  he  had  hurt  me  as 
hard  as  it  is  possible  for  a  man  to  hurt  a  woman. 

It  was  not  that  I  looked  upon  marriage  as  such  a  de 
sirable  goal ;  but  it  was  at  least  a  test  of  the  man's  sin 
cerity.  As  he  had  blundered  on  with  his  senseless  jeal- 


292  ME 

ousy  of  men  who  did  want  to  marry  me,  I  had  dreamed 
a  little  dream. 

We  had  our  ride,  and  then  dinner  in  the  middle  of 
the  afternoon.  Bennet  was  there  for  dinner.  He 
thought  Mr.  Hamilton  was  our  new  lodger,  and  before 
him  at  least  I  did  conceal  my  real  feelings.  Anyhow, 
I  confess  that  I  felt  none  too  warmly  toward  Roger 
now.  He  had  descended  upon  me  on  this  Christmas 
day,  and  while  putting  his  gifts  on  my  neck  with  one 
hand,  he  had  struck  me  with  the  other.  Do  not  sup 
pose,  however,  that  my  love  for  him  lessened.  You 
can  soothe  a  fever  by  a  cooling  drink ;  you  cannot  cure 
it. 

Bennet  had  to  go  immediately  after  dinner,  and  I 
went  with  him  as  far  as  the  door.  All  our  rooms  on 
the  ground  floor  ran  into  one  another,  so  that  from  the 
dining-room  one  could  see  directly  into  the  reception- 
hall.  Bob  —  for  I  always  called  him  that  —  led  me 
along  by  the  arm,  and  suddenly  mama  clapped  her 
hands  loudly,  and  he  seized  me  and  kissed  me !  I  was 
under  the  mistletoe.  Roger  knocked  over  his  chair, 
and  I  heard  him  swear.  Bob  also  heard,  but  neither  of 
us  cared. 


XXIX 

THAT  Christmas  visit  of  Roger's  was  the  first  of 
many  in  that  house.  From  that  time  he  came 
very  frequently  to  see  me,  sometimes  three  or  four 
times  a  month;  in  fact,  a  week  rarely  passed  without 
his  appearing.  All  of  his  visits  were  not  so  tempest 
uous  as  the  one  I  have  described,  but  he  was  a  man 
used  to  ruling  people,  and  he  wished  to  govern  and  ab 
sorb  me  utterly.  Well,  I  made  a  feeble  enough  resist 
ance,  goodness  knows.  I  was  really  incredibly  happy. 
I  always  used  to  come  home  from  work  with  the  ex 
cited  hope  of  finding  him  there,  and  very  often  he  was, 
indeed. 

Of  course  he  was  exacting  and  at  times  even  cruel 
to  me.  He  really  did  n't  want  me  to  have  any  friends 
at  all,  and  he  not  only  chose  all  my  clothes,  but  he  tried 
to  sway  my  tastes  in  everything.  For  instance,  Ben- 
net  had  cultivated  in  me  a  taste  for  poetry.  Roger 
pretended  that  he  did  n't  care  for  poetry.  He  said  I 
would  get  more  good  from  the  books  he  had  chosen 
for  me,  and  just  because,  I  suppose,  Bennet  had  read 
aloud  to  me,  he  made  me  read  aloud  to  him,  sometimes 
my  own  stories,  sometimes  books  he  would  select;  but 
never  poetry. 

293 


294 

The  first  thing  he  would  always  say  when  he  came 
in,  after  he  had  examined  my  face,  was : 

"  What 's  my  wonderful  girl  been  reading?  " 

Then  I  'd  tell  him,  and  after  that  I  'd  have  to  tell 
him  in  detail  everything  that  had  happened  through 
the  week,  several  times  sometimes.  He  knew,  of 
course,  that  Bennet  came  regularly  to  see  me,  and  he 
used  to  ask  me  a  thousand  questions  about  those  visits ; 
and  I  had  a  hard  time  answering  them  all,  particularly 
as  I  did  not  dare  to  tell  him  that  every  day  Bennet 
showed  by  his  attitude  that  he  was  caring  more  for  me. 
He  asked  me  so  many  questions  that  I  once  asked  him 
seriously  if  he  was  a  lawyer,  and  he  threw  back  his 
head  and  laughed. 

I  had  secured  a  very  good  position  through  his  in 
fluence,  for  I  was  private  secretary  to  the  president  of 
one  of  the  largest  wholesale  dry-goods  firms  in 
Chicago.  I  had  easy  hours,  from  ten  till  about  four. 
I  had  no  type-writing  at  all  to  do,  for  another  girl  took 
my  dictation.  What  is  more,  I  received  twenty-five 
dollars  a  week. 

Besides  my  good  position,  Fortune  was  smiling  upon 
me  in  other  ways.  The  Western  magazine  began  to 
run  my  stories.  I  was  the  most  excited  girl  in  Chicago 
when  the  first  one  came  out,  and  I  telegraphed  to  Roger 
to  get  the  magazine. 

And  now  I  must  record  something  about  Robert 
Bennet.  He  had  been  pushed  from  my  pages,  just  as 
he  was  from  my  life,  by  Roger,  and  yet  during  all  this 


ME  295 

time  I  really  saw  more  of  him  than  of  Roger  himself. 
The  day  I  paid  him  back  the  money  he  lent  me  he  told 
me  he  loved  me.  Now,  I  had  for  him  something  the 
same  feeling  I  had  for  Fred  O'Brien  —  a  blind  sort 
of  fondness  rather  than  love,  and  overwhelming 
gratitude.  It  was  not  so  much  because  of  the  money 
he  had  lent  me,  but  for  the  many  things  he  was  al 
ways  trying  to  do  for  me.  In  a  way  he  and  Mr. 
Butler  tried  to  educate  me.  They  planned  a  regular 
course  of  reading  for  me,  and  helped  me  in  my 
study  of  English.  I  should  not  have  dared  to  admit 
it  to  Roger,  but  those  boys  were  really  doing  more 
for  me  than  he  was,  and  they  wished  me  to  enter 
Cornell,  and  wrote  to  certain  professors  there  about 
me. 

It 's  a  fact  that  nearly  every  man  (and  some  women) 
who  became  interested  in  me  during  this  period  of  my 
career  seemed  to  think  himself  called  upon  to  contribute 
to  my  education.  I  must  have  been  truly  a  pathetic 
and  crude  little  object ;  else  why  did  I  inspire  my  friends 
with  this  desire  to  help  me?  And  everybody  gave  me 
books.  Why,  that  Western  editor,  after  he  had  met 
me  only  once,  sent  me  all  sorts  of  books,  and  wrote  me 
long  letters  of  advice,  too. 

But  about  Bennet.  When  he  told  me  he  loved  me 
—  and  it  is  impossible  for  me  to  say  in  what  a  manly 
way  he  declared  himself  —  I  was  too  overwhelmed 
with  mingled  feelings,  and  I  was  such  a  sentimental, 
impressionable  little  fool,  that  I  did  not  have  the 


296  ME 

strength  to  refuse  him.  The  first  thing  I  knew,  there 
I  was  engaged  to  him,  too ! 

It  was  a  cruel,  dishonest  thing  for  me  to  accept  him. 
I  see  that  now;  but  somehow,  then,  I  was  simply  too 
weak  to  tell  him  the  truth  —  that  I  loved  another 
man.  Well,  then,  as  I  've  said,  I  was  engaged  to  Ben- 
net. 

In  a  psychological  way  it  might  be  interesting  to  note 
my  feelings  at  this  time  toward  both  Hamilton  and 
Bennet.  I  truly  was  more  afraid  for  Bennet  to  find 
out  about  Hamilton  than  for  the  latter  to  find  out 
about  Bennet.  To  Roger  I  could  have  defended  my 
engagement ;  but  how  could  I  have  justified  myself  to 
Robert  Bennet,  whose  respect  and  liking  I  desired  very 
much?  Indeed,  they  were  now  a  potent  influence  in 
my  life,  a  clean,  uplifting  influence. 

Robert  Bennet  had  unconsciously  given  me  a  new 
ideal  of  life.  My  own  crude,  passionate  views  were 
being  adjusted.  It  was  slowly  dawning  upon  me  that, 
after  all,  this  thing  we  call  convention,  which  I  had 
previously  so  scouted,  is  in  fact  a  necessary  and  blessed 
thing,  and  that  the  code  which  governs  one's  conduct 
through  life  is  controlled  by  certain  laws  we  cannot 
wilfully  break.  I  had  just  grown,  not  like  a  flower, 
but  like  an  unwieldy  weed.  Robert  Bennet  and 
George  Butler  were  taking  me  out  and  showing  me  a 
new  world.  I  was  meeting  people  who  were  doing 
things  worth  while,  sweet  women  and  big  men,  and 
there  were  times  in  my  life  when  I  realized  that  the  spell 


ME  297 

under  which  Roger  held  me  was  an  enchantment  that 
in  the  end  could  lead  only  to  degradation  or  tragedy. 

Nevertheless,  I  could  no  more  break  away  from  his 
influence  than  the  poor  victim  of  the  hypnotist  can 
from  the  master  mind  that  controls  him.  What  is 
love,  anyhow,  but  a  form  of  hypnotism?  It 's  an  ob 
session,  a  true  madness. 

Yet  Roger  Hamilton,  in  his  way,  had  not  deceived 
me.  He  had  never  once  professed  to  love  me.  On 
the  contrary,  he  had  denied  that  very  thing  in  the  pres 
ence  of  Mrs.  Kingston  and  Mrs.  Owens.  Perhaps  if 
he  had  cared  for  me,  if  he  had  given  me  even  some 
slight  return,  my  own  passion  for  him,  from  its  very 
force,  would  have  spent  itself.  But  he  did  not.  He 
kept  consistently  to  his  original  stand.  I  was  his 
special  protege,  his  wonderful  girl,  his  discovery, 
his  oasis,  and  compensation  for  everything  else  in  life, 
which  he  said  was  sordid,  nasty,  and  wrong.  But 
that  was  all  I  was,  it  seems,  despite  his  incompre 
hensible  jealousy,  and  his  occasional  unaccountable 
moods  of  almost  fierce  tenderness  toward  me. 

There  were  few  times  that  he  called  me  by  endearing 
terms.  Twice,  I  think,  I  was  his  "  sweetheart,"  and 
several  times  I  was  his  "  precious  girl."  Once  I  was 
his  "  poor  little  darling,"  and  I  was  always  his  "  won 
derful  girl." 

Nor  was  he  a  man  given  to  demonstrations  of  affec 
tion.  My  place  was  always  on  the  stool  at  his  knee. 
I  used  to  put  my  head  there,  and  look  with  him  into 


298  ME 

the  fire.  He  never  took  me  in  his  arms  during  those 
days,  though  I  was  always  clinging  to  his  hand  and 
arm.  He  kissed  my  hands,  my  hair,  and  once  my 
arms  when  I  was  in  a  new  evening  gown  that  he  had 
chosen  for  me;  but  he  never  kissed  my  lips. 

I  loved  him  blindly  and  passionately.  I  used  to 
save  things  that  he  had  touched  —  absurd  things,  like 
his  cigar-butts,  a  piece  of  soap  he  had  used,  his  gloves, 
and  a  cap  he  wore  on  the  train.  He  hunted  every 
where  for  it,  but  I  did  not  give  it  up.  I  was  like  a 
well-fed  person,  with  an  inner  craving  for  something 
impossible  to  possess. 

On  my  eighteenth  birthday  Roger  gave  me  a  piano. 
He  had  already  given  me  many  jewels,  some  of  them 
magnificent  pieces  that  I  never  wore  except  when  he 
was  there.  I  kept  them  locked  up  in  the  little  safe. 
The  piano,  however,  troubled  me  more  than  the  jewels. 
It  was  big  and,  therefore,  impressed  me.  When  I 
protested  to  him  about  accepting  it,  he  declared  that 
he  had  bought  it  for  himself  as  much  as  for  me,  but 
he  arranged  with  a  German  named  Heinrach  to  give 
me  vocal  lessons,  and  with  a  Miss  Stern  to  teach  me 
the  piano.  Heinrach  said  I  had  an  exceptionally  fine 
contralto  voice,  but  I  think  Roger  told  him  to  say 
that.  However,  I  enjoyed  the  lessons,  though  I  soon 
realized  that  my  voice  was  just  an  ordinarily  good 
contralto.  Roger  said  it  was  good  enough  for  him, 
and  that  he  wanted  me  to  sing  to  him  only.  He  chose 
all  my  songs,  French,  German,  and  English. 


ME  299 

If  I  stop  here  to  tell  of  the  attentions  and  proposals 
I  received  from  other  men  at  this  time,  I  'm  afraid 
you  will  agree  with  Lolly  that  my  head  was  a  bit 
turned.  But,  no,  I  assure  you  it  was  not.  I  realized 
that  almost  any  girl,  thrown  among  men  as  I  was, 
half-way  good-looking,  interesting,  and  bright,  was 
bound  to  have  a  great  many  proposals.  So  I  '11  just 
heap  all  mine  together,  and  tell  of  them  briefly. 

One  of  the  chief  men  in  the  firm  where  I  worked 
asked  me  to  marry  him.  He  was  a  divorce,  a  man  of 
forty-five,  but  looked  younger.  He  said  he  made  fif 
teen  thousand  dollars  a  year.  He  wanted  me  to  marry 
him  and  accompany  him  on  a  trip  he  was  to  make  to 
England  to  buy  goods.  I  refused  him,  but  —  away 
from  Roger,  I  confess  there  were  the  germs  of  a  flirt 
in  me  —  I  told  him  to  ask  me  again  as  soon  as  he  got 
back.  I  might  change  my  mind.  Before  sailing,  he 
brought  his  young  son,  a  youth  of  twenty,  to  see  me. 
Papa  had  scarcely  reached  the  English  shores  before 
the  son  also  proposed  to  me !  He  was  a  dear  child. 

An  insurance  agent  offered  himself  to  me  as  a  life 
policy. 

An  engineer,  a  politician  (Irish),  and  two  clerks  in 
our  office  were  willing  to  take  "  chances  "  on  me. 

A  plumber  who  mended  our  kitchen  sink  proposed 
to  me  just  because  I  made  him  a  cup  of  tea. 

I  had  a  proposal  from  a  Japanese  tea  merchant  who 
years  before  had  been  my  father's  courier  in  Japan. 
Now  he  was  a  Japanese  magnate,  and  papa  had  told 


300  ME 

me  to  look  him  up.  He  made  a  list  of  every  person 
•he  had  ever  heard  me  say  I  did  not  like,  and  he  told 
me  if  I  would  marry  him,  he  would  do  something  to 
every  one  of  them. 

A  poet  wrote  lovely  verse  to  me,  and  the  Chicago 
papers  actually  published  it.  Finally,  that  Western 
editor  proposed  to  me  upon  his  fourth  visit  to  Chicago, 
and  I  am  ashamed  to  confess  that  I  accepted  him,  too. 
You  see,  he  had  accepted  my  stories,  and  how  could 
I  reject  him?  He  lived  far  from  Chicago,  and  the 
contemplated  marriage  was  set  for  a  distant  date,  so 
I  thought  I  was  safe  for  the  present. 

I  was  now,  as  you  perceive,  actually  engaged  to 
three  men,  and  I  was  in  love  with  one  who  had  flatly 
stated  he  would  never  marry  me.  I  lived  a  life  of  not 
un joyous  deceit.  I  had  only  a  few  qualms  about  de 
ceiving  Roger,  for  with  all  these  other  men  proposing 
to  me,  I  resented  his  not  doing  so,  too.  However,  I 
was  by  no  means  unhappy.  I  had  a  good  position, 
a  charming  home,  good  friends,  a  devoted  admirer  in 
Bennet,  and  was  not  only  writing,  but  selling,  stories, 
with  quite  astonishing  facility.  Add  to  this  my  secret 
attachment  to  Roger,  and  one  may  perceive  that  mine 
was  not  such  a  bad  lot.  But  I  was  dancing  over  a 
volcano,  and  even  dead  volcanos  sometimes  unexpect 
edly  erupt. 

Bob  was  not  an  exacting  fiance.  As  he  worked  at 
night,  he  could  not  often  come  to  see  me ;  but  he  wrote 
me  the  most  beautiful  letters  —  letters  that  filled  me 


ME  301 

with  emotion  and  made  me  feel  like  a  mean  criminal, 
for  all  the  time  I  knew  I  could  never  be  more  to  him 
than  I  was  then. 

Like  me,  he  was  an  idealist  and  hero-worshiper,  and 
in  both  our  cases  our  idols'  feet  were  of  clay.  I  de 
liberately  blinded  myself  to  every  little  fault  and  flaw 
in  Roger.  His  selfishness  and  tyranny  I  passed  over. 
It  was  enough  for  me  that  for  at  least  a  few  days  in 
the  month  he  descended  like  a  god  into  my  life  and 
permitted  himself  to  be  worshiped. 

I  made  all  sorts  of  sacrifices  and  concessions  to  his 
wishes.  Time  and  again  I  broke  engagements  with 
my  friends,  with  Bob  and  with  others,  because  unex 
pectedly  he  would  turn  up.  He  never  told  me  when 
he  was  coming.  I  think  he  expected  some  time  to  sur 
prise  me  in  doing  some  of  the  things  he  often  accused 
me  of  doing,  for  he  was  very  suspicious  of  me,  and 
never  wholly  trusted  me. 


XXX 

IT  was  Bennet's  letters  that  finally  got  me  into  trou 
ble  with  Roger.  I  had  been  engaged  to  him  only 
a  little  more  than  two  weeks,  and  I  must  have  dropped 
one  of  his  letters  in  Roger's  sitting-room,  for  on  ar 
riving  home  from  work  one  afternoon  I  found  that 
he  had  come  in  my  absence,  and,  as  Margaret  warned 
me  before  I  went  up-stairs,  seemed  to  be  in  a  "  tower 
ing  rage  "  about  something. 

He  was  walking  up  and  down,  and  he  swung  around 
and  glared  at  me  savagely  as  I  stood  in  the  doorway. 
He  had  a  paper  in  his  hand  (Bennet's  letter),  and  his 
face  was  so  convulsed  and  ugly  and  accusing  that  in 
voluntarily  I  shrank  back  as  he  came  toward  me.  I 
have  never  seen  a  man  in  such  an  ungovernable  rage. 
He  did  not  give  me  a  chance  to  say  anything.  There 
was  nothing  of  which  he  did  not  accuse  me.  I  was  a 
thing  whose  meaning  I  did  not  even  know.  He,  so 
he  said,  had  been  a  deluded  fool,  and  had  let  himself 
be  led  along  by  a  girl  he  had  supposed  too  good  to  take 
advantage  of  him.  Yet  all  the  while,  while  I  was 
taking  gifts  —  yes,  the  clothes  on  my  back  —  and 
other  favors,  even  my  position,  which  I  kept  only  be 
cause  of  Mr.  Forman's  obligations  to  him,  I  had,  it 
seems,  given  myself  to  another  man! 

302 


ME  303 

The  accusations  were  so  gross  and  monstrous  and 
black  that  I  could  not  answer  him.  I  knew  what  was 
in  Bennet's  letter  —  terms  of  endearment,  expressions 
of  undying  love,  and  (this  is  where  I  came  under  the 
judgment  of  Roger)  the  desire  to  see  me  soon  again 
and  hold  me  in  his  arms. 

Yes,  Bob  had  held  me  in  his  arms, —  he  believed 
I  was  to  be  his  wife, —  but  I  was  not  the  thing  Roger 
accused  me  of  being.  My  relations  with  Bennet  were 
as  pure  as  a  girl's  can  be.  It  would  have  been  impos 
sible  for  a  girl  to  have  any  other  kind  of  relations  with 
a  man  like  Bennet.  I  stood  bewildered  under  the 
storm  of  his  accusations  and  cruel  reproaches,  and  the 
revelation  of  the  things  he  had  done  for  me  without 
my  knowledge  or  consent.  At  first,  as  he  denounced 
me,  I  had  flinched  before  him,  because  I  was  aware 
of  having  really  deceived  him,  in  a  way;  but  as  he 
continued  to  heap  abuse  upon  me,  some  rebellious 
spirit  arose  in  me  to  defy  him.  I  had  not  had  an  Irish 
grandmother  for  nothing. 

I  waited  till  he  was  through,  and  then  I  said : 

"  You  think  you  are  a  man,  but  I  declare  you  are 
a  brute  and  a  coward.  Yes,  it  is  true,  I  am  engaged 
to  Mr.  Bennet,  and  I  defy  you  to  say  to  him  what  you 
have  said  to  me." 

Then  I  fled  from  his  room  to  my  own.  I  locked 
myself  in  there.  He  came  knocking  at  my  door,  and 
rattling  at  the  handle,  but  I  would  not  open  it,  and 
then  he  called  out: 


304  ME 

"  Nora,  I  am  going  away  now  —  forever  —  never 
to  come  back,  you  understand.  You  will  never  see  my 
face  again  unless  you  come  out  and  speak  to  me  now." 

But  I  would  not  open  my  door.  I  heard  him  going 
down-stairs  and  the  slam  of  the  front  door.  Now  I 
realized  what  had  happened.  He  had  actually  gone ! 
Never  before  had  he  left  me  like  this.  I  opened  my 
door,  went  down-stairs,  and  then  I  saw  him  waiting 
for  me  in  the  living-room.  I  tried  to  run  back,  but 
he  was  too  quick  for  me.  He  sprang  after  me,  caught 
me  in  his  arms,  and  half  carried  me  up  to  his  room. 
There  he  locked  the  door,  and  put  the  key  into  his 
pocket.  I  would  n't  look  at  him,  I  would  n't  speak  to 
him.  He  came  over,  and  tried  to  put  his  arms  about 
me,  but  I  shoved  him  away,  and  he  said  in  a  voice 
I  had  never  heard  from  him  before : 

"  So  I  've  lost  you,  have  I,  Nora?  "  And  then,  as 
I  would  not  answer  him :  "  So  Bennet  cut  me  out. 
That's  it,  is  it?" 

I  said: 

"No;  no  one  cut  you  out  but  yourself.  You've 
shown  yourself  to  me  just  as  you  are,  and  you're  ugly. 
I  hate  you !  "  and  I  burst  into  tears. 

He  knelt  down  beside  me.  I  was  sitting  on  the  edge 
of  the  big  Morris  chair,  and  all  the  while  he  talked  to 
me  I  had  my  face  covered  with  my  hands. 

"  Listen  to  me,  Nora.  I  know  I  've  said  things  to 
you  for  which  I  ought  to  be  horsewhipped ;  but  I  was 
nearly  insane.  I  am  still.  I  don't  know  what  to 


ME  305 

think  of  you,  what  to  do  to  you.  The  thought  that 
you-,  whom  I  have  cherished  as  something  precious  and 
different  from  every  one  else  in  my  life,  have  been 
deceiving  me  all  these  months  drives  me  distracted. 
I  could  kill  you  without  the  slightest  compunction." 

I  looked  at  him  at  that,  and  I  said: 

"  Roger,  you  don't  think  I  've  done  anything  wrong, 
do  you  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know  what  to  think,"  he  said.  "  It  is  a 
revelation  to  me  that  you  were  capable  of  deceiving 
me  at  all." 

"  But  I  am  only  engaged  to  Bob;  that 's  all." 

"  Only  engaged!  In  heaven's  name!  what  do  you 
mean  ?  Do  you  intend  to  marry  this  man  ?  " 

"  No,  I  never  did;  but — " 

I  was  beginning  to  soften  a  bit  to  him.  I  could  see 
his  point  of  view.  He  was  holding  me  by  the  arms 
so  I  could  n't  get  away  from  him,  and  when  you  are 
very  close  like  that  to  a  man  you  love  (almost  in  his 
arms)  you  cannot  help  being  moved.  I  was,  anyway, 
and  I  said: 

"  I  '11  try  and  explain  everything  to  you,  if  you 
won't  be  too  angry  with  me." 

"  Go  on." 

"  Well,  you  know  when  I  got  that  fifty  dollars,  and 
gave  up  my  position?  Well,  I  spent  it  all  and  got 
down  to  ten  cents,  and  I  could  n't  get  work,  and  I  was 
nearly  starving  —  honestly  I  was.  That  last  day  I 
did  n't  have  any  dinner  and  hardly  any  luncheon  or 


306  ME 

breakfast.  Well  then,  I  met  Bob,  and  I  told  him  — 
that  very  first  night  —  and  he  lent  me  ten  dollars,  and 
insisted  that  I  should  take  something  from  him  each 
week  till  I  got  a  position." 

"  In  God's  name,  why  did  you  not  ask  me?3' 

"I  couldn't,  Roger;  I  couldn't." 

"Why  not?     Why  not?" 

"  Because  —  because  —  I  loved  you.  I  could  take 
help  from  a  man  I  did  n't  love,  but  not  from  one  I 
did." 

I  began  to  sob,  and  he  sat  down  in  the  Morris  chair, 
and  lifted  me  up  on  his  knee,  but  he  held  me  off,  so 
I  could  continue  with  my  story. 

"  Go  on  now." 

So  then  I  told  him  everything:  how,  later,  when  I 
at  last  returned  the  money  to  Bennet,  he  had  proposed 
to  me,  and  how  I  could  n't  help  accepting  him.  "  And, 
anyway,"  I  finished,  "  engagements  are  nothing.  I  'm 
engaged  to  two  other  men  as  well." 

I  thought  this  was  my  chance  to  make  a  reckless 
clean  breast  of  everything. 

He  tumbled  me  out  of  his  lap  at  that,  stared  at  me, 
gasped,  threw  back  his  head,  and  burst  into  a  sort  of 
wild  laughter,  almost  of  relief.  Then  suddenly  he 
pulled  me  up  into  his  arms,  and  held  me  hard  against 
his  breast  for  the  longest  time,  just  as  if  he  were  never 
going  to  let  me  go  again,  and  then  I  knew  just  as  well 
as  anything  that  he  did  love  me,  even  though  he 
would  n't  admit  it.  So,  with  that  knowledge,  I 


ME  307 

was  ready  to  forgive  him  for  anything  or  everything. 

You  see,  things  were  all  turned  about  now,  and  I 
was  in  the  position  of  the  accuser  and  not  of  the  ac 
cused,  and  that  despite  the  attitude  he  pretended  to 
assume.  He  wanted  to  know  if  all  three  of  my 
friends  had  kissed  me,  and  I  had  to  admit  that  they 
had,  and  tell  him  just  how  many  times.  Dick  had 
kissed  me  just  that  one  time,  Bob  four  times,  and  the 
Western  editor  just  once.  It  was  a  bitter  pill  for 
Roger  to  swallow,  and  he  said: 

"  And  I  have  been  afraid  to  touch  you." 

"  That 's  not  my  fault,"  I  said.  "  You  can  kiss  me 
any  time  you  wish." 

He  did  n't  accept  my  hint  or  invitation.  He  was 
walking  up  and  down  now,  pulling  at  his  lip,  and  at 
last  he  said : 

"  Nora,  get  your  things  all  packed.  I  '11  have  to 
take  you  with  me." 

"Where?" 

"  I  'm  obliged  to  go  abroad  on  a  certain  pressing 
matter.  I  came  here  to-day  specially  to  be  with  you 
before  leaving.  I  see  I  can't  leave  you  behind." 

"  Do  you  mean  — "  I  said,  and  for  one  delirious  mo 
ment  I  imagined  something  that  was  impossible. 

"  I  mean  simply  that,  though  it  will  be  devilishly 
inconvenient,  I  shall  be  obliged  to  take  you  with  me. 
I  can't  trust  you  here." 

That  thought  still  persisted  in  my  foolish  head,  and 
I  said: 


308  ME 

"  Roger,  do  you  mean  that  we  are  going  to  be  mar 
ried?" 

He  stared  at  me  a  moment,  and  then  said  shortly : 

"  No.     That 's  impossible." 

I  swallowed  a  lump  that  came  up  hard  in  my  throat, 
and  I  could  not  speak.  Then  after  a  moment  I  said : 

"  You  want  to  take  me,  then,  because  you  are  afraid 
some  other  man  might  get  me,  not  because  you  want 
me  yourself." 

He  said,  with  a  slight  smile: 

'*  The  first  part  of  your  statement  is  certainly  true; 
the  second  part  is  questionable." 

"  I  'm  not  going,"  I  told  him. 

"  Oh,  yes,  you  are." 

"  Oh,  no,  I  'm  not." 

"  Are  we  to  have  another  combat?  " 

"  I  'm  not  going." 

"  Can't  leave  your  fiance?  "  he  asked. 

"  I  'm  just  not  going,  that 's  all." 

"  What  do  you  intend  to  do,  then,  while  I  'm  gone?  " 

"  Just  what  I  'm  doing  now." 

"  You  intend  to  continue  your  —  er  —  engage 
ment?" 

"No;  I'll  break  that  off."  I  looked  at  Roger. 
"  I  owe  that  to  him." 

"  H-m!     Owe  nothing  to  me,  eh?  " 

My  eyes  filled  up.  I  did  owe  much  to  him.  He 
came  over,  picked  my  face  up  by  the  chin,  and  then 
drew  me  back  to  the  seat  by  the  fireplace,  seating  him- 


ME  309 

self  in  the  Morris  chair,  with  me  on  the  stool.  He 
talked  very  gently  to  me  now,  and  as  if  he  were  speak 
ing  to  a  child;  but  I  could  think  only  of  one  thing  — 
that  he  was  going  away  and  I  could  not  go  with  him. 
Why,  he  had  not  even  told  me  he  loved  me,  and  though 
a  few  moments  before  I  had  believed  he  did,  now  the 
torturing  doubts  came  up  again.  If  he  loved  me, 
would  he  not  want  to  marry  me?  Other  men,  like 
Bob  and  Dick,  did. 

"  Roger,  tell  me  this,"  I  said.  "  Suppose  I  went  to 
school  and  then  to  college,  would  I  be  like  —  other 
girls  —  I  mean  society  girls  —  girls  in  your  class  ?  " 

"  You're  better  than  they  are  now.  You  are  in  a 
class  all  by  yourself,  Nora." 

"  Don't  answer  me  like  that.  You  know  what  I 
want  to  know.  Would  I  be  socially  their  equal,  for 
instance?  " 

"  Why,  naturally.  That 's  a  foolish  question, 
Nora." 

"  No,  it  is  n't.  I  just  want  to  know.  Now,  sup 
posing  I  got  all  that  —  that  —  culture  —  and  every 
thing,  and  I  had  nice  manners,  and  dressed  so  I  looked 
pretty  and  everything  —  and  you  would  n't  be  a  bit 
ashamed  of  me,  and  we  could  say  my  people  were  all 
sorts  of  grand  folks, —  they  really  are  in  England  — 
my  father's  people, —  well,  suppose  all  this,  and  then 
suppose  that  you  really  loved  me,  just  as  I  do  you, 
then  would  n't  I  be  good  enough  to  be  your  wife?  " 

"  Nora,  why  do  you  persist  about  that?     I  tell  you 


310  ME 

once  and  for  all  that  that  is  absolutely  out  of  the  ques 
tion.  I  'm  not  going  to  marry  you.  In  fact,  I 
can't." 

"Why?" 

"  I  won't  go  into  details.  Let  it  suffice  that  there 
are  reasons,  and  put  the  idea  out  of  your  head." 

So,  after  that,  there  was  nothing  more  for  me  to 
say;  but  he  realized  I  would  not  go  with  him.  When 
he  at  last  resigned  himself  to  this,  he  made  me  promise 
that  while  he  was  gone  I  would  not  only  break  my 
engagements  with  Bennet  and  the  Western  editor  and 
Dick,  but  that  I  would  in  no  circumstances  let  any  man 
kiss  or  touch  me,  or  make  love  to  me  in  any  way.  He 
said  if  I  'd  promise  him  that,  he  'd  be  able  to  make  his 
trip  to  Europe  without  undue  anxiety,  and  that  he 
would  come  back  just  as  soon  as  he  could. 

"  All  right,  then,"  I  said ;  "  I  cross  my  neck." 

I  wrote  three  letters  that  night,  all  of  which  he  read. 
If  he  had  had  his  way,  I  would  have  rewritten  them 
and  worded  them  differently.  He  thought  I  ought  to 
say:  "Dear  Mr.  Bennet,"  "Dear  Mr.  Lawrence," 
etc.,  instead  of  "  Dear  Bob,"  "  Dear  Dick."  My  let 
ters  were  virtually  the  same  in  each  case.  I  asked  to  be 
released  from  my  engagement;  but  I  begged  Bob  to 
forgive  me,  and  I  said  I  should  never  forget  him  as 
long  as  I  lived.  Roger  argued  with  me  a  whole  half- 
hour  to  take  that  out.  But  I  did  n't,  and  I  even  cried 
at  the  thought  of  how  I  was  hurting  this  boy  who 
loved  me.  I  was  so  miserable,  in  fact,  that  Roger  said 


ME  311 

we  'd  go  out  and  hear  some  music,  and  that  would 
cheer  me  up. 

Conscience  is  a  peculiar  thing.  We  can  shut  it  up 
tightly,  and  delude  ourselves  with  diversions  that  in 
fatuate  and  blind  us.  I  did  not  think  of  Bob  while 
Roger  was  with  me.  I  put  on  my  prettiest  dress,  one 
of  the  dresses  I  now  knew  that  he  had  paid  for!  It 
was  a  shimmering,  Oriental-looking  thing  that  had  the 
stamp  of  Paquin  upon  it,  and  I  had  a  wonderful 
emerald  necklace,  and  a  wreath  of  green  leaves,  with 
little  diamonds  sprinkled  like  dew  over  it,  in  my  hair. 
Roger  said  that  there  was  no  one  in  the  world  like  me. 
I  suppose  there  was  not.  I  certainly  hope  there  was 
not.  I  was  a  fine  sort  of  person! 

I  think  it  was  the  Thomas  Orchestra  we  heard.  I 
forget.  I  should  have  enjoyed  it,  I  suppose,  in  ordi 
nary  circumstances,  but  I  could  not  think  of  anything 
that  night  except  that  Roger  was  going  away  and  that 
I  might  never  see  him  again.  And  I  thought  of  all 
the  accidents  that  occurred  at  sea,  and  even  though 
he  was  holding  my  hand  under  the  program,  I  felt  that 
I  was  the  most  unhappy  girl  in  the  world. 

We  could  n't  stop  to  have  even  a  little  supper  after 
the  theater,  for  he  was  taking  a  train  to  New  York, 
whence  he  was  to  sail. 

His  man  Holmes  (it  was  the  first  time  I  had  ever 
seen  him)  was  at  the  house  when  we  got  back,  and 
had  his  bag  and  everything  ready,  waiting  for  him. 
I  thought  as  he  was  going  away  on  such  a  long  trip 


312  ME 

he  would  at  least  kiss  me  good-by,  and  I  could  not 
keep  from  crying  when,  after  we  got  in,  he  said  right 
before  Holmes,  who  would  n't  leave  the  room : 
"  I  '11  have  to  rush  now.  Be  a  good  girl." 
Then  he  said  I  was  to  go  down  to  Mr.  Townsend's 
(his  lawyer's)  office,  and  he  would  tell  me  about  some 
arrangements  he  himself  had  made  for  me,  and  I  was 
to  write  to  him  every  day,  though  he  said  nothing 
about  writing  to  me.  He  wrote  down  an  address  in 
London  where  I  was  to  send  my  letters.  The  only 
thing  he  did  that  approached  a  caress  was  that,  when 
his  man  went  ahead  of  him  down  the  stairs,  he  stopped 
in  the  upper  hall,  lifted  my  face,  and  gave  me  a  long, 
searching  look.  Then  he  said: 

"  I  'm  not  likely  to  think  about  anything  but  you, 
darling."  Then  he  went  quickly  down  the  stairs,  leav 
ing  me  sobbing  up  there. 


XXXI 

I  HAD  enough  to  occupy  my  thoughts  now  without 
thinking  of  Bennet.  Passionately  as  I  loved 
Roger,  I  perceived  that  night,  in  a  dim  sort  of  way 
and  with  a  burning  remembrance  of  his  brutality  to 
me,  that  I  was  fast  becoming  the  infatuated  victim  of 
one  who  was  utterly  unworthy.  He  had  not  hesitated 
to  denounce  and  accuse  me  of  things  of  which  I  was 
certainly  incapable  of  being  guilty.  Though  he  had 
said  I  was  his  cherished  and  precious  girl,  and  he  knew 
I  was  a  good  girl  (in  the  sense  the  world  calls  good), 
yet  he  did  not  consider  me  worthy  of  being  his  wife. 
It  irritated  him,  that  poor  aspiration  of  mine.  Yet 
other  men,  better  men  than  he,  men  who,  I  do  not 
doubt,  though  not  possessing  his  great  wealth,  were 
his  social  equals, —  Bennet  and  my  editor, —  had  not 
thought  me  beneath  them.  I  puzzled  and  tortured  my 
self  over  it,  but  I  could  find  no  answer. 

No  one  could  deny  that  I  was  a  clever  girl.  I  was 
not  the  genius  O'Brien  and  perhaps  Roger  believed, 
but  I  certainly  was  above  the  average  girl  in  intelli 
gence.  Not  many  girls  of  eighteen  are  writing  stories 
and  having  them  accepted  by  the  magazines.  And  yet, 

313 


314  ME 

queerly  enough,  beyond  my  one  precocious  talent,  I  was 
in  many  ways  peculiarly  gullible  and  stupid.  Why, 
the  girls  at  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.  teased  me  in  all  sorts  of 
ways  because  of  this,  and  Estelle  used  to  say  a  blind 
beggar  could  sell  me  a  gold  brick  at  any  street  corner, 
and  I  would  believe  every  word  he  said.  This  peculiar 
streak  of  credulousness  in  me  was,  I  suppose,  the  rea 
son  I  never  found  out  anything  about  Mr.  Hamilton. 

He  never  talked  to  me  about  his  business  or  home 
affairs.  I  knew  he  was  president  of  half  a  dozen  big 
firms,  because  I  saw  his  name  on  stationery.  Some 
times  he  talked  to  me  about  his  horses  and  dogs, —  he 
had  many  of  these, —  but  he  always  said  my  little  dog 
Verley,  which  he  had  never  given  back  to  me,  and 
which  was  not,  after  all,  a  thoroughbred,  was  his  in 
separable  companion.  Even  Mrs.  Kingston  and  Mama 
Owens  and  Lolly  knew  more  about  this  man  than  I 
did. 

Love,  it  seems,  is  not  only  blind,  but  deaf,  dumb, 
and  paralyzed.  I  heard  nothing,  I  knew  nothing,  and, 
what  is  more,  I  would  have  believed  nothing  that  was 
not  good  of  him.  Surely  a  faith  like  that  is  deserving1 
of  some  reward ! 

There  is  an  adage  of  my  mother's  land  something 
like  this,  "  Our  actions  are  followed  by  their  conse 
quences  as  surely  as  a  body  by  its  shadow."  That 
proverb  recurred  to  me  in  the  days  that  followed. 

The  morning  after  Roger  went,  our  bell  rang  before 
I  was  up.  Our  servant  "  slept  out,"  and  had  not  yet 


ME  315 

arrived.  So  Margaret  went  down,  grumbling  about 
the  girl,  supposing  she  had  lost  her  key.  As  I  did  n't 
have  to  be  at  my  office  till  ten,  and  as  I  had  been  up 
late,  I  turned  over  to  go  to  sleep  again,  when  I  heard 
Margaret  at  my  door.  She  came  in  in  her  bath-robe. 
She  said  Mr.  Butler  was  down-stairs,  and  wanted  to 
see  me  at  once. 

I  don't  know  what  I  thought.  I  know  I  felt  panic- 
stricken  and  afraid.  Roger  had  sent  my  note  to  Bob 
by  messenger  the  previous  evening,  so  he  had  had  it 
over  night.  I  slipped  on  a  dressing-gown  quickly  and 
went  down-stairs. 

Butler  was  sitting  stiffly  in  the  middle  of  the  recep 
tion-hall,  and  as  I  came  down  he  stood  up,  though  he 
did  not  touch  the  hand  I  held  out  to  him.  He  said 
abruptly : 

"  What  did  you  do  to  Bennet?  " 

I  felt  like  an  overtaken  criminal.  I  could  not  say 
a  word.  I  could  not  look  at  the  face  of  Bennet's 
friend.  He  said: 

"  Bob  had  a  dinner  engagement  with  me  at  a  friend's 
house  last  night.  He  did  n't  turn  up.  I  feared  some 
thing  was  wrong.  In  fact,  I  've  feared  for  Bob  ever 
since  he  became  infatuated  with  you."  Butler  did  not 
mince  his  words ;  he  just  stabbed  me  with  them.  "  He 
has  been  walking  about  the  city  like  a  madman  all 
night  long.  What  did  you  do  to  him?  " 

"  Oh,  George,"  I  said  falteringly,  "  I  had  to  break 
it  off." 


316  ME 

As  if  distinctly  to  cut  me  for  calling  him  "  George  " 
(I  had  always  called  him  that),  he  addressed  me  as 
"  Miss  Ascough." 

"  Miss  Ascough,  were  you  ever  really  engaged  to 
Bennet?" 

He  asked  that  as  if  the  thought  of  it  was  something 
not  at  all  to  his  liking.  I  nodded. 

"  And  you  broke  it  off,  you  say  ?  " 

Again  I  nodded. 

"Why?" 

"  Because  I  didn't  love  him,"  I  said  truthfully. 

I  was  so  nervous  and  conscience-smitten  and  un 
happy,  and  the  room  was  so  cold,  that  I  was  seized 
with  a  shivering  fit,  and  could  hardly  keep  my  teeth 
from  chattering;  but  Butler  did  not  seem  at  all  moved 
by  my  condition. 

"  May  I  ask  if  you  were  '  in  love,'  as  you  call  it, 
with  him  when  you  accepted  him  ?  " 

I  shook  my  head.     I  could  not  trust  myself  to  speak. 

"  Why  did  you  accept  him,  then?  " 

"  He  had  been  good  to  me,"  I  faltered. 

"  Oh,  I  see.  It  was  his  reward,  eh  ?  "  He  sneered 
in  my  face.  "  I  came  here,"  he  said,  "  with  some  idea 
of  patching  up  things.  I  wanted  to  help  Bennet. 
He  's  in  a  bad  way." 

What  could  I  say?     After  a  while  he  said: 

"Will  you  go  back  with  me?  I  have  him  at  our 
rooms." 

"  It  would  do  no  good." 


ME  317 

"  You  mean  you  could  not  be  made  to  reconsider 
the  thing  ?  You  may  be  mistaken.  You  may  care  for 
him,  after  all.  There  are  few  like  him,  I  assure  you. 
You  're  dead  lucky  to  have  a  man  like  poor  Bennet 
care  for  you.  He 's  of  the  salt  of  the  earth." 

"  I  know ;  but  —  I  can't  deceive  him  any  longer. 
I  'm  —  in  love  —  with  another  man." 

There  was  a  long  silence  after  that,  Butler  just  star 
ing  at  me.  Then  he  asked : 

"  Been  in  love  long?  " 

I  nodded. 

"  Before  you  met  Bennet?" 

Again  I  nodded. 

He  laughed  bitterly. 

"  Personally  I  suspected  you  from  the  first.  I  had 
an  intuitive  feeling  that  there  was  something  under 
cover  about  you.  I  never  could  see  what  Bennet  saw 
in  you.  He  was  head  and  shoulders  above  you  in 
every  way.  You  're  not  in  his  class  at  all.  I  don't 
mean  that  in  the  cheap  social  sense  —  simply  morally. 
Bennet 's  been  my  friend  for  years.  I  know  him. 
There  's  no  one  like  him.  It 's  damned  hard  luck,  I 
can  tell  you,  for  me  to  see  him  come  up  against  a 
proposition  like  you.  According  to  your  own  story, 
you  must  have  deceived  him  from  the  first  Wpmen 
like  you  — " 

He  stopped  there,  for  I  was  crying  so  bitterly  that 
mama  came  in  to  see  what  the  trouble  was.  Margaret 
was  listening  all  the  time  at  the  head  of  the  stairs. 


3i8  ME 

Butler  then  just  clapped  his  hat  on  his  head,  picked 
up  his  stick,  and  went. 

And  that  was  the  opinion  of  me  of  one  of  the 
brightest  men  in  the  United  States,  a  man  who  subse 
quently  became  internationally  famous.  Nothing 
could  have  equaled  the  contempt  of  his  looks  or  his 
cutting  words.  He  had  stripped  me  bare.  For  one 
startling  moment  the  scales  dropped  from  my  eyes. 
I  saw  myself!  And  I  shrank  before  what  I  saw  — 
shrank  as  only  a  weak  coward  can. 

O'Brien  had  called  me  a  "  dead-game  sport  "  ;  Roger 
once  said  I  was  a  "  mongrel  by  blood,  but  a  thorough 
bred  by  instinct  " ;  Lolly  had  called  me  a  "  snake  " ; 
but  George  Butler,  that  keen-sighted,  clear-headed 
man,  knew  me  for  something  to  be  despised!  What 
did  I  think  of  myself?  Like  every  one  else,  I  was 
capable  of  staring  wide-eyed  at  my  own  shortcomings 
only  for  a  little  while,  and  then,  like  every  one  else, 
I  charitably  and  hastily  and  in  fear  drew  the  curtains 
before  me,  and  tried  to  hide  myself  behind  them. 

I  pitied  Bennet,  whom  I  had  hurt ;  but  I  had  a  vaster 
pity  for  myself,  whom  Roger  had  hurt. 

Perhaps  it  will  not  be  out  of  place  for  me  to  say 
here  that  Bennet  achieved  all  that  I  tried  to  do.  Such 
fame  (if  fame  I  may  call  it)  as  came  to  me  later  was 
not  of  a  solid  or  enduring  kind.  My  work  showed 
always  the  effect  of  my  life  —  my  lack  of  training,  my 
poor  preparation  for  the  business  of  writing,  my  dense 
ignorance.  I  can  truly  say  of  my  novels  that  they  are 


ME  319 

strangely  like  myself,  unfulfilled  promises.  But  Ben- 
net  !  He  climbed  to  the  top  despite  me,  and  there  he 
will  always  be. 

It  may  well  be  believed  that  the  days  that  followed 
were  unhappy  ones  for  me.  Not  only  had  I  lost  my 
two  best  friends,  Bennet  and  Lolly,  but  Roger  had  dis 
appeared,  as  it  were,  completely  from  my  life. 

I  went  to  Mr.  Townsend's  office,  as  he  had  told  me 
to  do,  but  I  did  not  accept  the  "  arrangements  "  that 
Roger  had  made  for  me,  and  this  despite  the  very 
earnest  exhortations  of  his  lawyer.  I  did  not  want, 
and  I  would  not  touch,  the  money  that  Roger  had 
directed  should  be  put  in  banks  for  me.  He  ought  to 
have  known  I  would  not  do  that. 

All  day  long  my  face  burned.  Something  within 
me,  too,  was  burning  like  a  wild-fire.  A  thousand 
thoughts  and  ideas  came  rushing  upon  me.  Every 
thing  that  Roger  had  ever  done  for  or  said  to  me  re 
curred  to  my  mind,  and  jumbled  with  these  thoughts 
came  others  of  Bennet. 

His  was  the  most  honest  heart  in  the  world.  The 
little  he  had  done  for  me  had  all  been  open  and  above 
board.  He  had  not  even  declared  his  love  for  me 
until  the  day  I  was  out  of  his  debt,  and  free,  there 
fore,  to  give  him  an  honest  answer. 

But  Roger !  When  I  would  not  take  what  he  tried 
to  force  upon  me,  he  had  found  tricky  channels 
through  which  they  would  fall  upon  me,  anyway,  and 
then  had  taunted  me  with  their  possession ! 


320 


ME 


When  I  got  home  from  work  that  night  I  asked 
Margaret  if  she  knew  that  Roger  had  been  paying  for 
most  of  my  clothes.  She  answered,  with  a  chuckle : 

"  Naturally." 

"  What  made  you  think  that?  "  I  asked. 

"  Because  no  girl  working  as  you  are  could  afford 
such  things.  That  Paquin  gown  alone  is  easily  worth 
two  hundred  dollars,  if  not  more." 

"  I  paid  twenty  for  it,"  I  said. 

She  laughed.  I  told  her  about  the  shop  where 
there  were  "  bargains,"  and  she,  as  Lolly  had  done, 
laughed  in  my  face. 

"  No  shop,"  she  said,  "  could  give  you  a  bargain  in 
sables  such  as  you  have." 

I  had  a  brown  fur  set.  I  did  not  know  they  were 
sables.  I  had  been  less  than  a  year  in  America.  I 
was  just  eighteen.  I  came  from  a  large,  poor  family. 
I  did  not  know  the  value  of  clothes  or  jewels  any  more 
than  poor,  green  Irish  or  Polish  immigrant  girls  would 
know  it  in  that  time.  What  could  I  know  of  sables? 

We  lived  very  quietly  now.  I  had  to  stay  at  home, 
as  I  had  promised  Roger  to  go  out  with  no  one  till  he 
returned.  And  then,  of  course,  Bennet  and  Butler  no 
longer  came,  and  I  abandoned  my  music  lessons.  I 
had  never  taken  more  than  a  half-hearted  interest  in 
them. 

A  restless  spirit  possessed  me  at  this  time,  and  I 
could  not  settle  my  mind  to  anything.  I  used  to  wan 
der  about  Roger's  rooms,  with  my  thoughts  disjointed 


ME  321 

and  jumbled.  I  thought  I  was  brooding  over  his  ab 
sence,  and  then  again  I  thought  I  was  worrying  about 
Bob.  Then  one  day  as  I  stood  staring  into  the  leaping 
flames  of  that  fireplace,  almost  like  an  inspiration  there 
came  to  me  a  great  idea  for  a  story. 

For  an  hour  I  sat  staring  into  the  flames,  the  story 
slowly  taking  root  in  my  mind,  and  the  fascinating  plot 
and  characters  unraveling  before  me.  It  was  ten 
o'clock  at  night  when  I  began  to  write,  and  I  worked 
without  stopping  till  the  dawn. 

That  was  how  I  began  to  write  my  first  novel.  I 
lived  now  with  only  one  avid  thought  in  my  mind  — 
the  story  I  was  writing.  It  infatuated  me  as  nothing 
I  had  ever  done  before  had  infatuated  me. 

I  resigned  my  position,  and  took  a  half-day  place. 
I  had  a  little  over  a  hundred  dollars  saved,  and  the 
new  position  paid  me  seven  dollars  a  week.  As  I  sup 
plied  my  own  type-writer,  I  had  the  privilege  of  taking 
outside  work  in  the  afternoons. 

I  think  Mr.  Forman  was  really  relieved  when  I  told 
him  I  had  decided  to  go,  though  he  asked  me  anxiously 
whether  I  had  consulted  Mr.  Hamilton  about  it.  I 
said  that  I  had  written  and  told  him.  I  had  done  my 
work  there  adequately  (he  gave  me  an  excellent  ref 
erence),  but  he  had  dismissed  a  faithful  secretary,  to 
whom  he  was  attached,  to  make  a  place  for  me  at  Mr. 
Hamilton's  request.  I  never  knew  this  when  I  took 
that  position,  else  I  would  not  have  taken  it. 

I  left  because  of  what  Roger  had  said,  for  one  thing. 


322  ME 

I  preferred  not  to  be  under  obligations  to  him  for  my 
position.  Besides,  I  wanted  a  little  more  time  in 
which  to  write  my  novel.  The  seven  a  week  just  paid 
for  my  board,  and  I  had  enough  saved  to  carry  me 
along  otherwise. 

My  new  position  was  in  a  school,  a  sort  of  dramatic 
school  where  calisthenics,  fencing,  and  other  things 
were  also  taught.  I  had  a  chance  to  see  something  of 
the  young  men  and  women  who  were  studying  there, 
mostly  of  wealthy  families.  The  courses  were  very 
expensive.  A  great  many  Chicago  society  women 
took  fencing  lessons  there,  and  one  of  them  was  kind 
enough  to  offer  to  pay  for  lessons  for  me.  I  would 
have  liked  to  learn,  but  I  could  not  afford  the  time. 
Every  minute  that  I  had  away  from  the  school  I  gave 
to  my  precious  novel.  I  used  to  get  home  about  two. 
I  'd  have  a  glass  of  milk  and  a  cracker  for  my 
luncheon,  and  then  I  would  write  until  six.  Then 
came  dinner,  and  then  again  I  wrote,  sometimes  till  as 
late  as  midnight.  I  wrote  my  novel  in  twenty-two 
days.  It  is  impossible  for  me  to  describe  my  delight 
and  satisfaction  when  I  put  the  last  word  to  my  manu 
script. 

Then  for  a  long  time  I  sat  by  the  fire  and  re-read 
my  story,  and  it  seemed  to  me  I  had  created  a  treasure. 
Roger,  who  professed  to  know  something  about  palm 
istry,  had  averred  there  was  a  gold-mine  in  my  hand, 
and  he  said  that  it  was  he  who  was  going  to  put  it 
there;  but  when  I  read  my  story  that  night  I  had  a 


ME  323 

prophetic  feeling  that  my  mine  would  be  of  my  own 
creating. 

I  now  had  to  revise  and  type-write  my  story,  no 
light  task. 

Outside  of  the  work  I  did  for  the  school,  I  had 
secured  bits  of  copying  for  a  few  people  in  the  build 
ing;  but  I  had  made  very  little  above  my  salary.  The 
head  of  the  school  was  an  imposing  and  majestic 
woman  of  about  fifty,  very  handsome  and  charming 
and  gracious  in  her  manner,  though  I  always  resented 
the  difference  between  her  tone  to  me  and  that  she  as 
sumed  to  her  pupils  and  the  people  who  frequented  her 
studios  —  she  called  them  studios.  She  had  a  little 
salon  in  a  way.  Nearly  all  Chicago's  important  peo 
ple,  and  especially  the  celebrities,  came  to  her  "  after 
noons."  I  had  a  chance  to  see  authors  who  had 
"  arrived." 

There  was  one  very  tall  woman  who  wore  glasses 
and  talked  through  her  nose.  She  was  very  well 
known  at  that  time,  having  had  a  witty  serial  published 
in  the  very  magazine  that  bought  my  first  little  story. 
She  was  much  sought  after,  and  was  suffering  from  a 
bad  case  of  what  O'Brien  always  called  "  the  big 
head."  She  looked  and  talked  as  if  she  were  a  per 
sonage  of  great  superiority,  and  her  sharp  retorts  and 
witty  comments,  always  a  bit  malicious,  were  quoted 
everywhere  in  Chicago.  I  think  she  believed  me  to  be 
one  of  her  many  silent  admirers.  I  was  not.  I  knew 
that  when  one  has  reached  a  stage  of  complete  satis- 


324 


ME 


faction  with  oneself,  one  has  reached  one's  limitation. 
Chicago's  popular  writer  at  the  zenith  of  her  fame 
was  not  to  me  a  particularly  attractive  object. 

Then  there  was  a  celebrated  Western  author  who 
was  a  giant  in  size  and  a  giant  in  heart.  I  secretly 
adored  him  both  as  a  writer  and  as  a  man.  He  wore 
his  straight  hair  rather  long,  and  though  his  face  was 
becoming  florid  and  full,  he  had  a  fine,  almost  Indian- 
like,  profile.  He  was  tremendously  popular  in  Chi 
cago,  and  Mrs.  Martin,  my  employer,  flattered  and 
courted  him  despite  his  careless  and  rather  grimy 
clothes  and  utterly  unmanicured  nails.  Behold  the 
measure  of  my  sophistication!  I  who  knew  not  the 
meaning  of  the  word  "  manicure  "  less  than  a  year  be 
fore,  took  pride  in  my  own  shining  nails  now,  and  re 
marked  the  condition  of  those  of  a  great  author! 

There  was  another  le^s  famous,  but  more  exclusive, 
author  who  fascinated  me  chiefly  because  he  had  a 
glass  eye.  I  had  never  before  seen  a  glass  eye. 

I  have  mentioned  the  authors  because  they  interested 
me  more  than  the  artists,  sculptors,  musicians,  and 
actors  and  actresses  who  also  came  to  these  studios 
where  I  worked.  The  building  itself  was  full  of 
artists'  studios. 

Do  not  think  of  me  as  being  one  of  this  distin 
guished  "  set."  I  was,  in  fact,  simply  on  the  outskirts, 
a  rather  wistful,  perhaps  envious,  and  sometimes 
amused  observer  of  these  great  people  who  had  obvi 
ously  "  arrived." 


ME  325 

Few  of  these  celebrities  noticed  me.  Several  of  the 
artists  asked  me  to  pose  for  them.  I  did  not  pose, 
because  I  had  no  time.  I  did  go  up  to  the  studio  of 
a  hunchback  artist  who  painted  divinely  and  had  a 
pretty  wife  and  an  adorable  baby.  I  became  very 
friendly  with  that  lovely  family,  and  even  shyly  con 
fessed  to  them  that  I  wrote.  Just  fancy!  I,  who 
only  a  few  months  before  had  forced  every  one  to 
listen  to  my  poems,  now  when  I  was  in  contact  with 
people  who  did  the  very  things  I  wished  to  do,  experi 
enced  a  panic  at  the  thought  of  their  finding  out  about 
it  or  of  revealing  myself  to  them ! 

Even  Mrs.  Martin  never  suspected  me.  I  was  sim 
ply  a  stenographer  who  had  come  to  her  from  a  mer 
cantile  firm.  The  only  thing  about  me  that  ever 
appealed  to  her  was  my  looks.  Think  of  that!  She 
said  to  me  one  day  as  I  was  going  out : 

"  Miss  Ascough,  you  look  like  a  poster  girl.  Where 
did  you  get  your  hat?  " 

I  told  her,  and  she  raised  her  eyebrows. 

"  Well,"  she  said,  studying  me  through  her  lorgnon, 
"  your  hair  looks  astonishingly  well  against  that  silver 
fur.  Have  you  ever  thought  of  going  on  the 
stage?" 

I  replied  that  I  had  not. 

She  regarded  me  speculatively  a  moment,  and  then 
said: 

"  There  are  worse-looking  girls  than  you  in  the 
choruses." 


326  ME 

I  told  her  I  could  sing  a  little.  Whereupon  she 
said: 

"  Oh,  I  don't  mean  sing  or  act.  However,  you  'd 
better  stick  to  what  you  're  doing  until  my  season 
closes,  and  then,  if  you're  a  good  girl" — she  smiled 
very  graciously — "  I  '11  see  what  I  can  do  for  you." 

Her  season  ended  in  June.  You  perceive  I  had 
something  to  look  forward  to ! 

And  now  I  come  to  the  author  who  was  the  cause 
of  my  discharge  from  this  place. 

Mrs.  Martin  herself  had  brought  him  to  my  desk 
and  introduced  him  to  me.  He  had  with  him  a  thick 
manuscript  when  he  asked  me,  with  a  very  charming 
smile,  if  I  would  type-write  for  him.  You  may  be 
sure  I  was  glad  to  get  this  extra  work,  as  my  funds 
were  running  low.  So  I  put  aside  the  copying  of  my 
own  novel,  and  went  hard  to  work  upon  the  play  of 
this  Chicago  author.  It  was  a  closely  written  manu 
script,  a  play  in  six  acts.  He  required  eight  copies, 
only  four  of  which  were  to  be  carbons.  In  order  to 
get  the  work  done  as  soon  as  possible  and  resume  the 
copying  of  my  own  story,  I  went  down  to  the  office 
three  nights  and  worked  till  eleven. 

As  I  have  said,  there  were  six  acts,  and  each  was 
of  forty  pages.  So,  you  see,  it  was  a  fairly  big  manu 
script.  A  public  stenographer  would  have  charged  at 
the  rate  of  five  cents  a  folio, —  that  is,  one  hundred 
words, —  and  there  were  about  two  hundred  and 
eighty  words  to  a  page.  She  would  also  have  charged 


ME  327 

about  two  cents  a  page  for  the  carbon  copies.  I  made 
out  my  bill  for  five  cents  a  page,  and  did  not  charge 
for  the  carbon  copies. 

The  author  had  been  coming  every  day  and  going 
over  the  work  as  I  did  it,  and  he  had  me  not  only 
bind  his  play,  but  rule  parts  of  it  in  red  ink  —  the 
descriptive  parts.  I  felt  mightily  pleased  when  I 
handed  him  the  completed  manuscript.  Rather  apolo 
getically  I  proffered  him  my  bill. 

He  took  the  latter,  and  looked  at  it  as  if  much  sur 
prised  and  pained,  and  then  said : 

"  Why,  Miss  Ascough,  I  brought  this  to  you  as  a 
friend  of  Mrs.  Martin." 

I  said : 

"  Yes,  that 's  why  I  did  not  charge  for  the  carbons, 
and  made  you  just  a  half-rate." 

"  There  seems  to  be  some  mistake,"  he  replied.  "  I 
understood  from  Mrs.  Martin  that  you  would  do  this 
work  just  as  if  it  were  for  her." 

"  Do  you  mean,"  I  said,  "  for  nothing?  " 

He  made  a  gesture  with  his  hands,  as  much  as  to 
say,  "  Don't  put  it  so  baldly." 

I  stared  at  him.  I  could  not  believe  that  any  one 
would  be  mean  enough  to  let  me  do  all  that  work  for 
nothing.  He  was  a  greatly  admired  author.  His 
play  seemed,  in  my  youthful  judgment,  a  fine  thing, 
and  yet  was  it  possible  that  he  would  impose  upon  a 
poor  working-girl?  Could  he  really  believe  that  I, 
who  was  being  paid  only  seven  dollars  a  week  for  my 


328  ME 

morning  services,  would  have  worked  afternoons  and 
evenings  to  type-write  his  play  without  charge  ? 

He  put  his  play  in  a  large  envelop,  and  then  he 
said: 

"  I  appreciate  very  much  what  you  have  done,  and 
I  am  pleased  with  your  work.  I  shall  make  a  point 
of  recommending  you  to  friends  of  mine."  He 
cleared  his  throat.  "  I  've  also  brought  you  a  little 
present  in  token  of  my  appreciation."  He  took  from 
his  coat  pocket  a  book,  one  of  his  own.  "  It 's  auto 
graphed,"  he  said,  smiling,  and  gave  it  to  me. 

I  held  his  book  with  a  thumb  and  forefinger,  as  if  it 
were  something  unclean,  and  then  I  deliberately 
dropped  it  into  the  waste-paper-basket. 

He  turned  violently  red  and  walked  into  Mrs.  Mar 
tin's  studio. 

I  had  started  in  aimlessly  to  change  the  ribbon, —  I 
had  worn  out  one  for  his  play, —  when  Mrs.  Martin 
sailed  majestically  from  her  room  and  up  to  my  desk. 

"  Miss  Ascough,"  she  said,  "  I  won't  require  your 
services  any  further.  You  may  leave  at  once." 

I  shrugged  my  shoulders,  sneered,  and  laughed  right 
up  in  her  face,  as  if  the  loss  of  such  a  job  as  that  was 
a  matter  of  supreme  indifference  to  me.  She  became 
as  red  as  her  friend,  and  walked  haughtily  back  to  her 
private  quarters. 


XXXII 

I  CARRIED  my  machine  home.  Machines  are 
heavy  things.  A  sort  of  rainy  snow  was  falling, 
and  though  it  was  only  four  in  the  afternoon,  it  was 
beginning  to  grow  dark.  The  streets  were  in  a  bad 
state  with  slush  and  mud  and  ice,  and  I  got  very  wet 
on  my  way  to  the  car,  for  I  could  n't  put  up  an  um 
brella,  as  I  had  to  carry  my  machine  under  one  arm 
and  my  manuscript  under  the  other. 

As  soon  as  I  walked  into  our  house,  Margaret  called 
out  from  the  dining-room: 

"  Mr.  Hamilton  is  here."  Then  he  got  up  —  he 
was  having  tea  with  them  —  and  came  over  to  me.  I 
had  the  type-writer  in  my  hand,  and  I  don't  know 
whether  I  dropped  it  or  set  it  down  on  the  floor. 

I  had  n't  had  any  luncheon,  I  was  soaked  through. 
I  had  worked  for  weeks  on  my  novel,'  and,  besides  the 
office  work,  I  had  type-written  that  long  play.  I  had 
been  working  day  and  night,  and  I  had  been  insulted 
and  discharged.  I  was  tired  out,  cold,  and  wet.  Add 
to  this  the  sudden  shock  of  seeing  Mr.  Hamilton,  and 
you  will  understand  why  even  a  healthy  girl  of  eighteen 
may  sometimes  faint. 

It  was  only  a  little  faint,  and  I  came  to  while  Roger 
329 


330 


ME 


was  carrying  me  up-stairs ;  but  I  did  not  move,  for  his 
face  was  against  mine. 

Mama  had  come  up  with  us,  and  when  Roger  set  me 
on  the  couch,  she  said  she  'd  take  charge  of  me.  She 
told  him  to  go  down-stairs  and  have  Margaret  make 
me  a  toddy,  and  to  bring  it  up  on  a  tray  with  my  din 
ner.  I  felt  like  a  big  baby  to  have  her  fussing  over  me 
and  taking  off  all  my  wet  things.  I  had  a  lovely  pink 
eider-down  dressing-gown  that  she  had  made  me,  and 
she  forced  me  to  get  into  that  and  into  dry  stockings 
and  slippers. 

By  this  time  Roger  and  Margaret  came  up  with  the 
tray,  and  all  three  were  doing  things  for  me.  Roger 
himself  mixed  me  a  drink.  It  was  hot,  with  brandy 
and  lemon  in  it.  As  soon  as  I  drank  it,  it  went  right 
to  my  head,  for  I  had  eaten  nothing  since  morning, 
and  I  tried  to  tell  them  about  Mrs.  Martin's  discharg 
ing  me,  and  how  that  author  had  not  paid  me  for  all 
my  work. 

Cloudy  as  my  head  was  and  stumblingly  as  I  talked, 
I  won  their  sympathies.  Roger  said  that  the  author 
was  a  mean  little  sneak,  a  cursed  small  cur,  and  that 
he  'd  like  to  kick  him  all  over  the  town. 

Then,  because  I  started  to  cry,  they  tried  to  make  me 
eat  something  and  drink  some  coffee;  but  I  was  so 
sleepy  I  could  not  keep  my  eyes  open.  The  first  thing 
I  knew,  I  was  in  my  bed. 

I  slept  and  slept ;  I  slept  till  ten  o'clock  the  next  day. 
The  first  thought  I  had  was  that  Roger  must  have  gone. 


ME  331 

I  never  dressed  so  quickly,  and  I  ran  to  his  room  and 
knocked ;  but  he  was  not  there. 

Margaret  also  had  departed  for  work,  but  I  found 
mama  in  the  kitchen.  She  was  making  me  an  oyster 
stew,  a  thing  for  which  I  had  acquired  a  liking.  As 
soon  as  I  appeared,  she  cried : 

"You  bad  girl,  what  did  you  get  up  for?  Here's 
a  note  for  you." 

With  hands  trembling  with  excitement,  I  read 
Roger's  first  letter  to  me.  It  was  like  him,  those  two 
brief,  laconic  sentences : 

Back  by  noon.     Stay  in  bed. 

ROGER. 

Stay  in  bed!  I  never  felt  better  in  my  life.  I  had 
my  stew,  and  then  I  went  up-stairs  and  finished  copying 
my  novel. 

At  noon  to  the  minute  Roger  returned.  He  had  all 
sorts  of  things  for  me:  flowers, —  orchids,  mind  you! 
—  squab,  fruit,  jelly,  and  magazines.  One  would 
think  I  was  an  invalid,  and  I  had  to  laugh  at  his  look  of 
disapproval  when  he  discovered  me  busy  at  work.  He 
said  I  was  incorrigible. 

He  made  no  effort  that  day  to  conceal  his  feelings 
from  me.  It  was  not  that  he  petted  or  caressed  me; 
but  he  fussed  over  me  all  day,  kept  me  right  by  the  fire, 
and  brought  up  my  luncheon  to  me,  as  he  said  the  lower 
floor  was  draughty.  He  kept  feeling  my  head  to  see 
if  I  was  feverish.  I  think  I  gave  him  a  good  fright  the 


332 


ME 


night  before.  He  said  he  ought  to  have  returned  to 
Richmond  the  previous  night,  as  there  was  important 
business  there  that  needed  his  attention.  He  'd  been 
obliged  to  keep  the  wires  scorching  all  the  morning. 
He  would  have  to  get  away  that  night,  however;  but 
he  wanted  to  make  absolutely  certain  that  I  had  re 
covered. 

He  said  that  he  had  been  obliged  to  hasten  his  re 
turn,  neglecting  certain  business  in  Europe,  because  I 
had  not  written  to  him  as  I  promised  to  do.  I  did 
write  him  once,  but  the  letter  must  have  miscarried. 
However,  he  was  not  in  a  scolding  mood  that  day,  and 
every  minute  I  thought  he  was  going  to  pick  me  up  in 
his  arms. 

He  wanted  to  know  if  I  had  missed  him,  and  I  tried 
to  pretend  that  I  had  n't,  that  I  had  been  absorbed  in 
my  writing.  He  looked  so  solemn  over  that  and  so  far, 
far  away  from  me  that  I  wanted  instantly  to  put  my 
arms  about  his  neck,  and  I  debated  with  myself  how  I 
could  reach  him.  I  pulled  up  the  stool  in  front  of  him, 
stood  on  it,  and  in  that  way  reached  his  face.  I  gave 
him  a  quick  kiss,  and  then  jumped  down.  I  thought  he 
would  laugh  at  that,  but  he  did  n't.  I  did  though ;  but 
while  I  was  laughing  I  suddenly  thought  of  something 
that  frightened  me,  and  I  asked  him  if  he  had  had  a 
fine  time  in  Europe,  and  added  that  I  supposed  he  had 
seen  many  lovely  women. 

I  had  a  vague  idea  that  France  was  simply  brimming 
with  fascinating,  irresistible,  and  beautiful  sirens  whom 


ME  333 

no  man  could  possibly  resist,  and  the  thought  that 
Roger  had  been  there  made  my  heart  almost  stop  beat 
ing  ;  but  not  for  long,  for  he  said  very  gravely : 

"  I  never  noticed  anything  nor  any  one.  My  mind 
was  engrossed  with  one  thought  only  —  my  own  little 
girl  in  Chicago." 

Then  he  asked  me  if  I  realized  that  he  had  spent 
fewer  than  ten  days  in  Europe,  and  that  he  had  come 
here  to  me  before  even  going  to  his  home. 

"  Goodness !  "  I  said  slyly,  "  you  are  interested  in 
me,  aren't  you?  " 

He  looked  at  me  queerly  then,  and  he  said : 

"  Nora,  I  'm  '  dippy  '  about  you." 

"  Is  that  slang  for  love,  Roger  ?  "  I  asked,  which 
made  him  laugh,  and  then  he  tried  to  frown  at  me ;  but 
he  could  not.  So  he  changed  the  subject  abruptly, 
and  made  me  tell  him  about  all  the  things  that  had  hap 
pened  to  me  while  he  was  away. 

He  said  I  was  a  "  precious  angel  "  for  giving  up 
Bennet,  and  that  Butler  was  a  "  conceited  pup,"  and 
I  was  a  "  little  idiot "  to  mind  anything  he  said.  He 
wished  he  had  been  there.  He  said  Mrs.  Martin  was  a 
sycophant  and  a  kowtowing  old  snob,  and  that  he  knew 
her  well;  and  as  for  my  going  on  the  stage!  One 
would  think  I  was  considering  jumping  off  the  face  of 
the  earth. 

I  told  him  he  was  pretty  nearly  as  bad  as  the  little 
Japanese,  and  he  laughed  and  said : 

"  That  Jap  's  all  right.     By  George !     I  like  his  idea. 


334  ME 

It  would  give  me  peculiar  satisfaction  to  wring  the 
necks  of  one  or  two  people  we  know,"  and  he  clapped 
his  fist  into  his  hand. 

I  said  mischievously: 

"  Well,  you  know  that  Jap  hated  those  enemies  of 
mine  because  he  loved  me." 

Roger  chuckled,  and  said  I  might  sit  on  that  stool 
and  hint  till  doomsday,  but  he  was  not  going  to  tell  me 
he  loved  me  till  he  was  good  and  ready. 

"  When  will  that  be?  "  I  asked,  and  he  said  solemnly, 
with  mock  gravity : 

"  '  I  'm  sure  I  don't  know,' 
Said  the  great  bell  of  Bow." 

"  My  father  always  said  that  there  was  no  time  like 
the  present,"  I  replied. 

He  laughed,  but  said  seriously: 

"  Nora,  if  you  play  with  fire,  you  '11  be  burned. 
Burns  leave  scars.  Scars  are  ugly  things,  and  I  love 
only  pretty  things,  like  my  precious  little  girl." 

"  Aha !  "  I  said  triumphantly,  "  then  you  admit  it  at 
last." 

He  burst  out  laughing  and  said: 

"Trapped!     Help!" 

After  a  while  he  wanted  to  hear  my  novel.  So  then 
I  read  it  to  him,  my  beautiful  story. 

I  read  it  well,  as  only  an  author  can  read  his  own 
work  —  not  well  in  the  sense  of  elocution,  but  with 
every  important  point  brought  out.  It  took  me  two 


ME  335 

and  a  half  hours  to  read  it,  and  when  I  was  through, 
twilight  had  settled.  I  had  read  the  last  words  chiefly 
by  the  light  of  the  blazing  fire.  Roger  got  up,  and 
walked  up  and  down  the  room.  I  watched  him  from 
my  seat  on  the  stool  by  the  fire.  Then  he  suddenly 
came  back  to  me,  seized  my  manuscript,  and  made  a 
motion  as  if  he  would  consign  it  to  the  flames.  At  that 
I  screamed,  like  an  outraged  mother,  and  caught  at  it, 
and  he  stood  towering  over  me,  watching  me  curiously. 

"  I  wanted  to  try  you  then,  Nora,"  he  said.  "  Now 
I  know  that  I  have  a  bigger  rival  in  your  work  than  any 
man.  What  am  I  to  do  ?  " 

I  held  my  novel  out  to  him. 

"  Burn  it  if  you  wish  to,  then.  It  represents  only 
the  product  of  my  fancy;  but  you  are  my  life,"  I  said. 

"  Do  you  mean  that?  "  he  asked  me,  and  I  replied : 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  do,  I  do." 

"  If  I  asked  you  to  give  up  your  writing,  as  I  asked 
you  to  give  up  Bennet,  would  you  do  it  for  me?  " 

"  Yes,  everything  and  every  one,  Roger,"  I  replied, 
"  if  only  you  will  love  me.  Won't  you?"  In  a  voice 
full  of  emotion,  he  then  said: 

"Can  you  doubt  it?" 

A  moment  later  he  seemed  to  regret  having  revealed 
himself  like  that,  and  he  swiftly  made  ready  to  go.  He 
was  taking  an  early  train  for  Richmond.  His  man 
was  waiting  for  him  at  some  hotel.  I  wanted  to  go 
down  to  the  door  with  him,  but  he  would  not  let  me, 
and  we  said  good-by  before  mama,  who  had  come  up  to 


336  ME 

say  dinner  was  ready.  He  did  n't  kiss  me,  but  I  kissed 
him  right  before  mama,  on  his  hand  and  sleeve.  If  I 
could  have  reached  his  face,  I  would  have  kissed  him 
there.  He  kept  smoothing  my  hair.  He  said  he 
would  be  back  very  soon,  that  he  would  never  stay 
away  from  me  long  now. 

I  watched  him  from  the  window.  The  rain  of  the 
previous  day  had  frozen  on  the  trees,  and  everything 
was  glistening  and  slippery.  A  wind  was  coming  from 
the  north,  and  the  people  went  along  the  street  as  if 
blown  against  their  will. 

Roger  looked  up  before  getting  into  the  cab  and 
waved  to  me  at  the  window,  and  I  thought,  as  once 
before  I  had  thought,  as  I  watched  his  carriage  disap 
pear,  that  perhaps  it  would  always  be  like  this.  He 
would  always  go.  Would  there  ever  come  a  day  when 
he  would  not  come  again  ? 

That  was  on  the  twenty-sixth  of  February.  He 
could  not  have  stayed  in  Richmond  more  than  a  few 
hours,  for  at  ten  o'clock  the  following  night  he  came 
back  to  me. 

I  was  running  over  some  new  pieces  at  the  piano 
when  I  heard  the  bell  ring ;  but  I  had  no  idea  it  was  he 
until  he  came  into  the  room  without  knocking.  There 
was  something  about  his  whole  appearance  and  attitude 
that  startled  me.  His  face  had  a  grayish,  haggard 
look,  as  if  he  had  not  slept.  I  ran  up  to  him,  but 
he  held  me  back  and  began  to  speak  rapidly : 

'  Nora,  I  've  only  a  few  minutes  in  Chicago.     I 


ME  337 

must  catch  the  n  :  09  back  to  Richmond.  It 's  after 
ten  now.  My  cab  's  at  the  door.  This  is  what  I  've 
come  for.  I  want  you  to  go  to-morrow,  on  as  early 
a  train  as  you  can  get,  to  a  little  hunting-lodge  of  mine 
in  the  Wisconsin  woods.  Holmes  [his  valet]  will 
come  and  take  you,  and  I  want  you  to  stay  there  for  a 
week  or  ten  days." 

The  oddness  of  his  request  naturally  puzzled  me, 
and  of  course  I  exclaimed  about  it,  and  wanted  to  know 
why  he  wished  me  to  go  there.  He  said  irritably : 

"  What  does  it  matter  why  ?  I  want  you  to  go.  I 
insist  upon  it,  in  fact." 

"  But  what  will  I  do  up  there?  "  I  asked. 

"  Anything  you  wish.  Write,  if  you  like.  I  've 
a  man  and  woman  there.  You  '11  not  be  entirely  alone. 
The  change  will  do  you  good." 

"  Are  n't  you  going  to  be  there,  too  ?  " 

"  I  'm  afraid  not.  I  '11  try  to  get  there  for  the  week 
end  if  I  possibly  can." 

"  But  I  don't  want  to  go  to  a  place  all  alone, 
Roger." 

"  I  tell  you,  you  won't  be  alone.  I  have  a  man  and 
a  woman  there,  and  Holmes  will  take  you." 

"  But  I  don't  see  the  sense  in  going  away  out  there 
in  the  middle  of  winter." 

"  I  particularly  want  you  to  go.  Are  my  wishes 
nothing  to  you,  then?  I  want  you  out  of  Chicago  for 
a  few  days.  You  've  not  been  well  and  — " 

"  I  never  felt  better  in  my  life." 


33«  ME 

"  Nora,  I  want  you  to  go.  You  must  go.  Do 
this  thing  to  please  me." 

As,  puzzled,  I  still  hesitated,  he  began  to  promise 
that  he  would  join  me  there  the  next  day,  and  when  I 
still  did  not  assent,  he  tried  coaxing  me  in  another  way. 
He  said  he  'd  bring  Verley  and  a  hunting-dog,  and  he  'd 
teach  me  how  to  ride  horseback  and  to  shoot.  He  had 
horses,  too,  somewhere  near  there ;  a  big  stock  farm,  I 
think.  I  told  him  I  did  n't  want  to  shoot  or  kill  things. 

By  this  time  he  had  worked  himself  up  to  a  state  of 
exasperation  at  my  stubbornness,  and  his  request  really 
seemed  to  me  so  ridiculous  and  capricious  that  I  began 
to  laugh  at  him,  saying  jokingly: 

'  You  're  worse  than  a  dog  in  a  manger:  you  're  a 
Turk.  You  want  to  shut  me  up  in  a  box." 

"  That 's  true  enough,"  he  replied.  "  I  wish  I  'd 
done  it  long  ago." 

He  was  standing  very  tall  and  stiff  by  the  door,  with 
his  coat  still  on,  and  his  arms  folded  grimly  across  his 
breast.  I  looked  at  him,  and  a  half-mischievous,  half- 
tender  impulse  overwhelmed  me.  I  went  closer  to  him, 
and  put  my  hands  on  his  folded  arms  as  I  said : 

"  I  '11  go,  Roger,  if  you  '11  take  me  in  your  arms  and 
kiss  me." 

He  gave  me  such  a  look  at  that,  and  then  his  face 
broke,  and  he  opened  his  arms.  I  went  into  them.  I 
don't  know  how  long  I  was  in  his  arms.  I  never 
wanted  to  leave  them  again. 

I  presently  heard  his  voice,  low  and  husky,  and  felt 


ME  339 

he  was  trying  to  release  himself  from  my  hands.  He 
said: 

"  I  must  go.     I  '11  miss  my  train." 

"  O  Roger,  please  don't  leave  me  now !  "  I  begged. 

"  I  must,"  he  replied,  and  then  he  went  quickly  out 
of  the  room.  I  followed  him  into  the  hall,  though  he 
was  striding  along  so  swiftly  I  could  not  keep  pace 
with  him.  Just  where  the  stairs  began,  I  caught  at 
his  arm  and  held  him. 

"O  Roger,  you  do  love  me,  don't  you?"  I  asked 
sobbingly,  and  he  said  hoarsely : 

"  Yes,  I  do." 

Then  he  went  down  the  stairs,  and  I  after  him.  At 
the  door  he  said  I  must  go  back ;  but  I  was  still  clinging 
to  his  hand,  and  when  he  opened  the  door  I,  too,  went 
out. 

Snow  was  falling  densely,  and  the  great  north  wind 
had  brought  on  its  wing  a  blizzard  and  storm  such  as 
Chicago  had  seldom  known ;  but  Roger  and  I,  in  that 
porch,  saw  nothing  but  each  other. 

He  kept  urging  me  to  go  in,  saying  I  would  catch 
my  death  of  cold,  and  stooping  down,  and  without  my 
asking  him  this  time,  he  took  me  in  his  arms  and  kissed 
me  again  and  again. 

"  I  love  you,  Nora,"  he  said.  "  You  're  the  only 
thing  in  the  world  I  have  ever  loved.  I  swear  that  to 
you,  darling." 

Then  he  kissed  me  again,  opened  the  door,  and 
turned  me  back. 


340 


ME 


"  Roger,  tell  me  just  this,  at  least,"  I  pleaded.  "  Is 
there  any  other  woman  in  your  life?  " 

The  question  was  out  now.  Like  a  haunting  shadow 
that  I  dared  not  face  there  had  always  been  that  hor 
rible  thought  in  my  mind,  and  now  for  the  first  time  I 
had  voiced  it.  With  his  arms  still  about  me,  looking 
down  into  my  face,  he  said: 

"  No ;  no  one  that  counts.     I  swear  that,  too,  Nora." 

Then  I  went  in.  I  was  like  one  in  a  beautiful  trance. 
That  room  seemed  to  me  the  loveliest  place  on  earth. 
Everything  about  it  spoke  of  him.  He  had  chosen  the 
softly  tinted  Oriental  rugs,  the  fine  paintings, —  there 
were  paintings  by  great  masters  there, —  my  piano,  and 
the  great  long  table  where  I  wrote.  He  had  chosen  all 
these  things  for  me,  and  now  I  knew  why  he  had  done 
it.  He  loved  me ;  he  had  said  so  at  last. 

I  went  about  the  room  touching  everything,  and 
gathering  up  little  things  of  his  —  papers  and  books ;  I 
went  into  his  bedroom,  and  found  his  bath-robe.  I  put 
it  on,  and  for  the  first  time  —  though  he  had  said  the 
rooms  were  mine,  I  had  not  used  them  —  I  threw  my 
self  down  there  in  the  room  where  he  had  slept  and  all 
night  long  I  lay  dreaming  of  him. 


XXXIII 

THE  next  day  found  Chicago  enveloped  in  one  of 
the  worst  snow-storms  that  had  ever  come  out  of 
the  north.  Of  course  the  idea  of  my  going  to  the 
Wisconsin  woods  was  out  of  the  question.  It  was  im 
possible  even  to  leave  the  house.  All  the  trains  were 
stalled,  and  many  wires  were  down.  I  could  not  have 
gone,  even  had  I  tried.  So  I  was  obliged  to  remain  at 
home,  and  even  Holmes  did  not  appear  at  the  house, 
though  he  telephoned  to  say  he  would  be  up  as  soon  as 
the  storm  stopped. 

Shut  in  as  we  were  in  a  great  city  caught  in  the 
paralyzing  grip  of  a  snow-storm,  I  did  not  come  out  of 
my  exalted  mood  of  intense  happiness.  All  through 
that  long  day,  when  I  had  nothing  to  do  but  to  watch 
the  blinding  snow  and  the  vehicles  and  people  that  had 
dared  to  venture  out,  I  was  with  Roger,  alone,  this 
time,  never  to  be  parted  again.  All  the  barriers  were 
down  between  us.  All  we  knew  was  that  we  loved 
each  other.  What  did  anything  else  matter?  My 
work  ?  Ah,  it  was  a  poor,  feeble  little  spark  that  had 
fluttered  out  before  this  vast  flame  in  my  heart.  I  had 
no  room,  no  thought,  for  anything  else. 

34i 


342  ME 

I  loved.  I  had  loved  for  many  months  in  hunger 
and  work  and  pain,  and  now  at  last  the  gods  had  re 
warded  me.  My  love  was  returned;  Roger  loved  me. 
That  was  the  most  wonderful,  the  most  beautiful,  the 
most  miraculous  thing  that  had  ever  occurred  in  the 
world. 

The  telephone  was  ringing  all  day,  and  so  was  the 
door-bell.  Mama,  who  wandered  in  and  out  to  chat 
with  me  about  the  storm  or  other  things,  kept  grum 
bling.  She  said  some  one  had  been  trying  to  get  Mar 
garet  on  the  long-distance  telephone  all  day,  but  Mar 
garet  had  to  go  out  on  a  case.  Whoever  it  was,  he 
would  leave  no  message. 

Once  I  answered  the  telephone  myself,  and  though 
the  voice  sounded  as  if  it  was  far  away,  I  fancied  the 
voice  was  Roger's.  Oh,  I  had  only  him  on  my 
mind!  It  was  some  one  for  Margaret,  and  when  I 
said: 

"  I  'm  Miss  Ascough.  Can't  I  take  a  message  ?  "  he 
replied : 

"  No,"  and  rang  off. 

Margaret  came  in  about  five,  and  when  we  told  her 
about  the  telephone,  she  seemed  much  mystified,  and 
called  up  the  information  bureau  and  asked  who  had 
called  her,  and  the  bureau  said  Richmond  had  been 
calling. 

Naturally,  we  were  surprised  that  the  calls  were 
really  from  Richmond,  and  we  were  sure  it  must  be 
Roger.  Mama  said  he  was  probably  anxious  about 


ME  343 

me,  but  I  could  not  help  wondering  why,  if  it  was  he 
on  the  telephone,  he  had  not  spoken  to  me.  Margaret 
said  it  was  probably  his  secretary  or  a  clerk,  and  when 
I  spoke  of  the  voice,  she  said  all  Southern  voices  were 
alike. 

She  was  called  out  again  as  soon  as  she  had  changed 
her  clothes;  but  it  was  only  in  the  neighborhood,  and 
she  had  only  thrown  a  shawl  about  her  and  run  out, 
saying  I  was  to  take  any  messages  that  came. 

So  when  a  telegram  came,  I  signed  for  it,  and  then, 
though  it  was  addressed  to  Margaret,  I  opened  and 
read  it,  thinking  it  might  be  important.  I  could  n't  for 
the  life  of  me  understand  it,  and  I  handed  it  to  mama. 
She  read  it,  glanced  at  me,  and  then  said  that  Margaret 
would  probably  understand. 

It  was  really  from  Roger,  but  why  he  should  tele 
graph  Margaret  not  to  let  me  see  some  papers,  I  could 
not  understand.  This  was  the  telegram: 

On  no  account  let  Nora  see  the  papers. 

While  I  was  puzzling  over  this,  Margaret  came  in, 
and  I  gave  her  the  telegram.  She  took  a  long  time  to 
read  it,  and  then  she  said  carelessly  that  he  referred  to 
some  papers, —  deeds  and  things  like  that, —  and  he 
probably  wished  to  surprise  me. 

It  was  a  poor  sort  of  explanation,  but  it  satisfied  me. 
I  was  too  far  up  in  the  clouds  to  give  the  matter  much 
thought,  so  Margaret  and  mama  and  I  had  dinner  to 
gether.  I  prepared  spaghetti,  a  dish  of  which  they 


344  ME 

were  fond,  and  which  I  made  better  than  any  one  else. 
However,  I  burned  the  spaghetti, —  let  it  go  dry, —  and 
mama  said: 

"  You  're  a  nice  cook,  with  your  mind  away  off  in 
Richmond." 

Margaret  was  in  the  pantry,  but  I  knew  she  was 
listening.  I  said,  after  giving  mama  a  squeeze  for 
forgiving  me  about  the  spaghetti : 

"  You  're  going  to  find  out  a  thing  or  two  about  him 
soon.  You  don't  know  what  a  beautiful  character  he 
has,  and  you  know  very  well  no  man  ever  had  a  nicer 
smile  than  Roger." 

Mama  nodded,  and  went  on  stirring  what  she  was 
cooking. 

"  You  're  a  foolish  old  angel,"  I  went  on.  "  You 
just  don't  like  him  because  you  're  fond  of  me.  Well, 
if  it  were  n't  for  me,  you  would  like  him,  would  n't 
you,  Mama?" 

She  said : 

"  It  may  be  a  case  of  prejudice,  dearie,  but  he  's  got 
to  '  show  '  me  first,  though." 

"Oh,  he  will,"  I  assured  her.  "You'll  see." 
Then  I  added :  "  Anyhow,  you  '11  admit  that  he  does 
care  for  me,  won't  you?  " 

"  Any  one  can  see  with  half  an  eye  that  he  's  head 
over  heels  in  love  with  you ;  but  - 

Margaret  had  come  out  of  the  pantry,  and  she 
banged  some  things  down  so  noisily  that  we  both 
jumped. 


ME  345 

"  For  heavens'  sake !  don't  talk  about  that  man !  "  she 
said. 

Then  mama  and  I  laughed,  and  we  had  dinner.  I 
had  been  up-stairs  only  a  few  minutes  after  dinner 
when  I  heard  Margaret  at  the  telephone  again.  I  went 
down  to  learn  what  the  trouble  was.  As  I  was  going 
down  I  heard  her  say : 

"  It 's  impossible.  A  dog  could  n't  go  out  in  a  storm 
like  this."  Then  after  a  moment,  she  added,  "  I  said 
I  'd  do  what  I  could,"  and  then :  "  You  need  n't  thank 

me.  It 's  not  on  your  account,  d you !  "  She 

hung  up  the  receiver. 

"  Who  was  that  ?  "  I  asked.  She  answered  savagely 
—  she  had  never  spoken  so  crossly  to  me  before : 

"  None  of  your  business !  "  and  slammed  out  into  the 
kitchen. 

The  storm  abated  during  the  night,  and  by  morning 
it  had  ceased ;  but  the  city  was  still  snow-bound,  though 
workers  were  out  all  night  clearing  the  streets,  and  an 
army  of  snow-shovelers  went  from  house  to  house  as 
soon  as  daylight  came.  They  began  ringing  our  door 
bell  as  early  as  six  o'clock,  and  that  awoke  me;  so  I 
dressed  and  went  down-stairs.  Margaret  was  ahead 
of  me.  I  went  to  the  porch  to  get  the  papers,  but  she 
was  irritable  because  I  opened  the  door  and  let  in 
the  cold.  She  said  she  wished  to  goodness  I  'd  stay 
in  my  own  room. 

At  breakfast  we  were  without  the  papers,  and  Mar 
garet  told  mama  they  had  not  come.  The  storm  had 


346  ME 

probably  prevented  their  delivery.  I  said  I  did  n't 
mind  running  out  to  the  nearest  newsstand,  but  she 
said: 

"  For  heaven's  sake !  Nora,  find  something  to  amuse 
yourself  with  without  chasing  wildly  round!  Now 
the  storm  's  over,  that  man  Holmes  will  be  here,  and 
you  'd  better  get  ready." 

So,  though  I  thought  we  'd  have  some  difficulty  in 
getting  a  train, —  none  was  running  on  time, —  I 
packed  the  few  things  I  intended  to  take  with  me. 

If  any  one  sees  anything  particularly  immoral  in  my 
calmly  preparing  to  go  on  a  trip  with  this  man,  I  beg 
him  to  recall  all  of  my  previous  experiences  with  him. 
He  had  never  done  anything  that  caused  me  to  fear 
him,  and  now  he  could  do  nothing  that  would  have 
been  wrong  in  my  eyes. 

I  was  love's  passionate  pilgrim.  I  could  not  look 
ahead ;  I  turned  not  a  glance  back ;  I  only  thrilled  in 
the  warmth  of  the  dear  present. 

About  ten,  Holmes  arrived.  He  said  we  could  get 
a  train  at  eleven  and  one  at  four.  The  four  o'clock 
one  would  be  better,  as  by  that  time  the  snow  would  be 
cleared  off;  but  Mr.  Hamilton  had  telephoned  and  tele 
graphed  instructions  that  we  should  take  the  very  first 
train. 

So,  then,  with  my  bag  packed,  I  came  down-stairs, 
and  went  to  the  kitchen  to  say  good-by  to  Margaret 
and  mama.  When  I  opened  the  door,  they  sprang 
apart,  and  I  saw  the  morning  paper  in  their  hands; 


ME  347 

mama  was  crying.  All  of  a  sudden  I  had  a  horrible 
fear  that  something  had  happened  to  Roger,  and  I 
sprang  over  and  tried  to  take  the  paper  from  mama. 
She  tried  to  put  it  behind  her,  and  we  struggled  for  the 
sheet,  but  Margaret  cried  out : 

"  For  God's  sake !  let  her  have  it !  We  may  as  well 
end  this." 

And  then  I  had  the  paper. 

It  was  on  the  front  page,  so  important  was  he,  that 
vile  story.  I  saw  his  face  looking  up  at  me  from  that 
sheet,  and  beside  him  was  a  woman,  and  under  her  pic 
ture  was  another  woman.  The  type  danced  before  me, 
but  I  read  on  and  on  and  on. 

And  this  was  my  love,  my  hero,  my  god  —  this  mar 
ried  man  whose  wife  was  divorcing  him  because  of  an 
other  woman ;  whose  husband  in  turn  had  divorced  her 
because  of  him,  Roger  Avery  Hamilton.  I  read  the 
sordid  story ;  I  read  the  woman's  tale  in  court,  of  his 
many  infidelities,  which  had  begun  soon  after  their 
marriage,  of  the  fast  life  he  had  led,  and  of  his  being 
named  as  co-respondent  by  his  best  friend  in  Rich 
mond,  whose  wife  had  admitted  the  truth  of  the 
charge,  and  had  been  cast  out  by  her  husband. 

This  wife  of  his,  of  whose  existence  I  had  never 
even  dreamed,  said  in  an  interview  that  although  she 
did  not  believe  in  divorce  and  had  endured  her  hus 
band's  infidelities  for  years,  she  was  now  setting  him 
free  for  the  sake  of  the  other  woman,  whom  he  was  in 
honor  bound  to  marry.  They  had  all  been  friends, 


348  ME 

they  were  of  the  same  social  set,  and  the  relations  be 
tween  this  woman  and  Hamilton,  his  wife  declared, 
had  existed  for  three  years,  and  still  continued. 

If  one's  body  were  dead,  and  the  mind  still  alive, 
how  might  that  vital,  mysterious  organ  find  utterance 
through  the  paralyzed  body?  I  have  often  wondered. 
Now  I  was  like  one  dead.  There  was  no  feeling  in 
any  part  of  my  body  but  my  poor  head,  and  through  it 
surged,  oh,  such  a  long,  long,  weird  procession  of  all 
the  scenes  of  my  life  since  I  had  left  my  home!  It 
seemed  as  if  every  one  I  had  ever  known  danced  like 
fantastic  shades  across  my  memory,  each  one  in  turn 
beckoning  to  me  or  beating  me  back.  And  through 
that  throng  of  faces,  blotting  out  the  black  one  of  Bur- 
bank,  the  sensual  one  of  Dr.  Manning,  the  kind,  gro 
tesque  face  of  O'Brien,  and  the  rough,  honest  mask 
of  Bennet,  like  a  snake  his  bitter  face  rose,  and  stared 
at  me  with  his  half-closed,  cruel  eyes. 

I  was  before  the  fireplace  where  I  had  often  sat  with 
him.  Some  one,  mama  or  Margaret,  had  brought  me 
there.  They  fluttered  in  and  out  of  the  room  like 
ghosts,  and  they  spoke  to  me  and  cried  over  me,  but  I 
do  not  know  what  they  said.  I  had  lost  the  power  of 
hearing  and  of  speech.  I  tell  you  I  was  dead - 
dead. 

Then  that  little  valet  of  his  came  up  to  the  room  and 
asked  me  if  I  was  ready! 

"  Go  away !  Go  away !  "  I  murmured  peevishly 
when  he  came  around  in  front  of  me  and  looked  at  me 


ME  349 

curiously.  Then  Margaret  came  in  and  called  shrilly 
at  him : 

"  You  get  out  of  here  —  you  and  your  d 

master ! " 

That  commotion,  I  think,  roused  me  slightly,  for  I 
went  to  my  room,  and  I  took  from  my  lower  drawer  all 
of  the  foolish  little  things  of  his  that  I  had  collected  at 
various  times  and  treasured.  I  gathered  them  up  in  a 
large  newspaper,  carried  them  into  his  room,  and 
dumped  them  into  the  fire. 

Then  I  took  that  newspaper  and  spread  it  out  on  the 
desk,  and  I  read  the  story  all  over  again,  slowly,  be 
cause  my  brain  worked  like  a  clock  that  has  run  down 
and  pulls  itself  to  time  only  in  spasmodic  jerks.  I 
found  myself  studying  the  picture  of  that  woman  who 
was  not  his  wife.  I  cared  nothing  about  the  wife,  but 
only  of  that  other  one,  the  woman  his  wife  said  he  still 
loved. 

She  was  all  the  things  that  I  was  not,  a  statuesque 
beauty,  with  a  form  like  Juno  and  a  face  like  that  of  a 
great  sleepy  ox.  Beside  her,  what  was  I?  Women 
like  her  were  the  kind  men  loved.  I  knew  that. 
Women  like  me  merely  teased  their  fancy  and  curi 
osity.  We  were  the  small  tin  toys  with  which  they 
paused  to  play. 

I  crushed  that  accursed  sheet.  No,  no,  she  was  not 
better  than  I.  Strip  her  of  her  glittering  clothes,  put 
her  in  rags  over  a  wash-tub,  and  she  would  have  been 
transformed  into  a  common  thing.  But  I?  If  you 


350 


ME 


put  me  over  a  wash-tub,  I  tell  you  7  would  have  woven 
a  romance,  aye,  from  the  very  suds.  God  had  planted 
in  me  the  fairy  germs ;  that  I  knew. 

But  rage!  What  has  it  ever  done  to  heal  even  the 
slightest  hurt  or  wound?  Oh,  I  could  tramp  up  and 
down,  up  and  down,  and  wring  my  hands  till  they  were 
bruised,  but,  alas!  would  that  bring  me  any  comfort? 

I  went  back  to  my  own  room,  and  I  packed  not  my 
clothes  —  those  clothes  he  had  paid  for,  but  my  manu 
scripts.  They  at  least  were  all  my  own.  They  filled 
my  little  old  black  bag  —  the  bag  I  had  brought  from 
Canada. 

Margaret  came  to  my  door,  and  when  she  knocked  I 
controlled  my  voice  and  said : 

"  I  am  busy.     Go  away." 

"  O  Nora  dear,  Mr.  Hamilton  is  on  the  'phone,"  she 
said.  "  He  is  calling  from  Richmond.  He  wants  to 
speak  to  you,  dearie." 

"  I  will  never  speak  to  him  again,"  I  declared. 

"  O  Nora,"  she  said,  "  he  is  coming  to  you  now. 
He  is  taking  a  special  train.  I  am  sure  he  can  explain 
everything.  He  says  that  he  can,  dear." 

"  Everything  is  explained.  I  know  now"  I  replied. 
Yes,  that  was  true.  I  did  know  now. 

I  went  stealing  down  the  stairs  on  tiptoe.  They  had 
relaxed  their  guard,  and  I  had  watched  for  this  mo 
ment  as  craftily  as  only  one  can  who  is  insane,  as  in 
deed  I  was. 

Outside  the  cold  wind  smote  me.      Snow  was  piled 


ME  351 

high  on  all  sides.  I  passed  along  through  great  banks 
of  it,  and  I  climbed  over  sodden  drifts  and  gigantic 
balls  that  children  had  rolled,  and  with  my  little  black 
bag  I  went  down  to  the  beach.  Where  it  began,  I  do 
not  know,  for  I  thought  the  white  caps  on  the  water, 
breaking  against  the  shore,  were  great  drifts  of  snow; 
and  I  went  plodding  on  and  on  till  I  came  to  the  water. 

A  policeman  who  had  spoken  to  me  when  I  turned 
down  toward  the  lake  must  have  followed  me,  for  sud 
denly  he  came  behind  me  and  said  roughly : 

"  Now,  none  of  that,"  and  I  turned  around  and 
looked  at  him  stupidly,  only  half  seeing  him. 

He  took  me  by  the  arm  and  led  me  away,  and  he 
asked  me  what  was  my  trouble,  and  when  I  did  not  an 
swer  (how  could  I,  who  could  scarcely  speak  at  all?) 
he  said : 

"  Some  fellow  ruin  you?  " 

Ruin ! 

That  word  has  only  one  meaning  when  applied  to  a 
woman.  I  had  not  been  ruined  in  the  sense  that  Chi 
cago  policeman  meant,  but,  oh,  deeper  than  that  sort 
of  ruin  had  been  the  damnatory  effects  of  the  blow 
that  he  had  dealt  me!  He  had  destroyed  something 
precious  and  fine;  he  had  crushed  my  beautiful  faith, 
my  ideals,  my  dreams,  my  spirit,  the  charming  visions 
that  had  danced  like  fairies  in  my  brain.  Worse,  he 
had  ruthlessly  destroyed  Me !  I  was  dead.  This  was 
another  person  who  stood  there  in  the  snow  staring  at 
the  waters  of  Lake  Michigan. 


352 


ME 


Where  was  the  heroic  little  girl  who  only  a  little 
more  than  a  year  before,  penniless  and  alone,  had  fear 
lessly  stepped  out  into  the  smiling,  golden  world,  and 
boldly  challenged  Fate?  I  was  afraid  of  that  world 
now.  It  was  a  black,  monstrous  thing,  a  thief  in  the 
dark  that  had  hid  to  entrap  me. 

O  Roger,  Roger !  I  loved  you  even  as  my  little  dog 
had  loved  me.  If  you  but  glanced  in  my  direction,  I 
was  awake,  alert.  If  you  smiled  at  me  or  called  my 
name,  my  heart  leaped  within  me.  I  would  have  kissed 
your  hand,  your  feet;  and  when  you  were  displeased 
with  me,  ah  me!  how  miserable  I  was!  There  was 
nothing  you  touched  I  did  not  love.  The  very  clothes 
you  wore,  the  paper  you  had  read  and  crushed,  the 
most  insignificant  of  your  personal  belongings  were 
sacred  to  me.  I  gathered  them  up  like  precious  treas 
ures,  and  I  hoarded  them  even  as  a  miser  does  his  gold. 
I  was  to  you  nothing  but  a  queer  little  object  that  had 
caught  your  weary  interest  and  flattered  your  vanity. 
You  saw  me  only  through  the  cold  eyes  of  a  cynic  —  a 
connoisseur,  who,  seeking  for  something  new  and  rare 
in  woman,  had  stumbled  upon  a  freak. 

The  policeman  said : 

"  I  could  run  you  in  for  this,  but  I  'm  sorry  for  you. 
I  guess  you  went  '  dotty  '  for  a  while.  Now  you  go 
home,  and  you  '11  feel  better  soon." 

"  I  have  no  home,"  I  said. 

'  That 's  tough,"  he  replied.  "  And  you  look  noth 
ing  but  a  kid.  Are  you  broke,  too?  " 


ME  353 

"  No,"  I  said,  though  I  really  was. 

"  Have  you  any  friends  ?  " 

I  thought  painfully.  Mama  and  Margaret  were  my 
friends,  but  I  could  not  go  back  there.  He  was  com 
ing  by  a  special  train.  O'Brien?  O'Brien  was  in 
New  York.  Bennet?  I  had  stabbed  Bennet  even  as 
Roger  had  stabbed  me. 

Who,  then,  was  there  ? 

Lolly;  there  was  Lolly. 

Drifts  of  feathery  snow  kept  flying  down  from  the 
housetops  as  the  policeman  and  I  passed  along,  and  as 
icicles  came  crashing  down  upon  the  sidewalks  he  led 
me  out  into  the  middle  of  the  road. 

We  came  to  Lolly's  door,  and  the  policeman  rang  the 
bell.  I  don't  know  what  he  said  to  the  woman  when 
she  answered  the  door,  but  I  ran  by  her  and  up  the 
stairs  to  Lolly's  room,  and  I  knocked  twice  before  she 
answered.  I  heard  her  moving  inside,  and  then  she 
opened  the  door  and  stood  there  with  her  blue  eyes 
looking  like  glass  beads,  and  a  cigarette  stuck  out  be 
tween  her  fingers.  And  I  said : 

"  O  Lolly!  Lolly!"  She  stood  aside,  and  I  went 
in  and  fell  down  on  my  knees  by  the  table,  and  threw 
out  my  arms  upon  it  and  my  head  upon  them. 

I  felt  her  standing  silently  beside  me  for  a  long  time, 
and  then  her  hand  touched  my  head,  and  she  did  a 
strange  thing :  she  went  down  on  her  knees  beside  me, 
lifted  up  my  face  with  her  hand,  just  as  Roger  used 
to  do,  and  stared  at  me.  Then  she  threw  her  arms 


354 


ME 


about  me  and  drew  me  up  close,  and  I  knew  that  at 
last  Lolly  had  forgiven  me. 

She  could  cry,  but  not  I.  I  had  reached  that  stage 
where  tears  are  beyond  us.  They  precede  the  rainbow 
in  our  lives,  and  my  rainbow  had  been  wiped  away.  I 
was  out  in  the  dark,  blindly  groping  my  way,  and  it 
seemed  to  me  that  though  there  were  a  thousand  doors, 
they  were  all  closed  to  me. 

I  was  now  sitting  on  a  chair  opposite  Lolly.  I  had 
the  feeling  that  I  was  crumpled  up,  crushed,  and  beaten. 
My  mind  was  clear  enough.  I  knew  what  had  befallen 
me,  but  I  could  not  see  beyond  the  fog. 

"  I  could  have  told  you  about  him  long  ago,"  said 
Lolly,  after  a  while. 

I  said  mechanically: 

"  You  spared  me.     I  did  not  you." 

"  No,  you  did  the  right  thing,"  Lolly  replied.  "  If  I 
had  told  you  then  what  I  knew  —  that  Hamilton  was  a 
married  man  —  I  might  have  saved  you  this." 

There  was  silence  between  us  for  a  time,  and  then 
Lolly  said: 

"  Did  you  know  that  Marshall  Chambers  is  married  ? 
He  married  a  rich  society  girl  —  a  girl  of  his  own  class, 
Nora." 

"  Lolly,  I  don't  know  what  to  do.  I  think  I  am  go 
ing  to  die,"  I  said. 

Lolly  threw  down  her  cigarette,  and  came  and  stood 
over  me. 

"  Listen  to  me,"  she  said.     "  I'll  tell  you  what  you 


ME  355 

are  going  to  do,  Nora  Ascough.  You  are  going  to 
brace  up  like  a  man.  You  're  going  to  be  a  dead-game 
sport,  as  O'Brien  said  you  were.  You  have  something 
to  live  for.  You  can  start  all  over  again.  I  wish  that 
I  could,  but  /  have  cashed  my  checks  all  in." 

I  looked  up  at  her.  There  was  something  in  her 
ringing  voice  that  had  a  revivifying  effect  upon  me. 
It  aroused  as  the  bugle  that  calls  a  soldier  to  arms. 

"  What  have  I  to  live  for  that  you  have  not  ?  "  I 
asked  her. 

"  You  can  write,"  she  said.  "  You  have  a  letter  in 
your  pocket  addressed  to  posterity.  Deliver  it,  Nora ! 
Deliver  it !  " 

"  Tell  me  how !     O  Lolly,  tell  me  how !  " 

"  Get  away  from  this  city ;  go  to  New  York.  Cut 
that  man  out  of  your  brain  as  if  he  were  a  malignant 
cancerous  growth.  Use  the  knife  of  a  surgeon,  and  do 
it  yourself.  Soldiers  have  amputated  their  own  legs 
and  arms  upon  the  battle-field.  You  can  do  the  same." 

She  had  worked  herself  up  to  a  state  of  excitement, 
and  she  had  carried  me  along  with  her.  We  were  both 
standing  up  now,  our  flashing  eyes  meeting.  Then  I 
remembered. 

"  I  have  no  money." 

She  dipped  into  her  stocking,  and  brought  up  a  little 
roll. 

"  There,  take  it !     I  '11  not  need  it  where  I  'm  going." 

Then  I  told  her  I  had  no  clothes,  and  she  filled  her 
suitcase  for  me. 


356  ME 

"  Now,"  she  said,  "  you  are  all  ready.  There  's  a 
train  leaving  about  seven.  You  '11  get  to  New  York 
to-morrow  morning.  O'Brien  will  be  there  to  meet 
you.  I  '11  telegraph  to  him  after  I  've  put  you  on  the 
train." 

"  Come  with  me,  Lolly." 

"  I  can't,  Nora.     I'm  going  far  away." 

0  Lolly!  Lolly!  little  did  I  dream  how  far.     Two 
weeks  later,  riding  in  an  elevated  train,  I  chanced  to 
pick  up  a  newspaper,  and  there  I  learned  of  Lolly's  sui 
cide.     She  had  shot  herself  through  the  heart  in  a  Chi 
cago  hotel,  leaving  a  "  humorous  "  note  to  the  coroner, 
giving  instructions  as  to  her  body  and  "  estate." 

1  was  in  the  Chicago  train  whirling  along  at  the 
rate  of  sixty  miles  an  hour.     I  lay  awake  in  my  berth 
and  stared  out  at  a  black  night ;  but  in  the  sky  above  I 
saw  a  single  star.     It  was  bright,  alive ;  and  suddenly  I 
thought  of  the  Star  of  Bethlehem,  and  for  the  first  time 
in  many  days,  like  a  child,  I  said  my  prayers. 


THE    END 


University  of  California 

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from  which  it  was  borrowed. 


Wn¥$» 
wT  I)  a  199? 

JUL  2  7  1994 

A 

tffc'D  LD-URL 
ft  OCT  1  4  199f 

A 

OCT  09  1996 

SHU  ^ 

law  lo-imt 

JAN   2  3  1998 

OflN  0  71998 

QUMn  ,  , 

C;TP  1  A  '98 

UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  UBRARYFACIUTY 


HIIIHIIHIIHlllHi"1""1 

A    000052119     5 


